Should I do anything at all?

[verde]

Here's the situation. I have one child, 34 mos old DD. My neighbor, whom I really like and respect, has 5 kids between ages 3 and 9. DD plays with them and we go into each others' homes and play with each others' toys. Cool.

Sometimes neighbormommy is actually watching up to 10 kids because her extended family members will ask her if she can watch their kids because she's a SAHM and she always says yes. I am very conscious not to leave my DD with her unattended -- I'm always there. As a result I see that she (neighbormommy) really tries to keep an eye on all the kids.

Recently the two youngest of the kids, ages 3 and 4, have started this thing where they stand in front of their door and tell DD that she is not allowed in their house. Usually the mom is not right there when this happens. She is, well, she's sort of everywhere because she's trying to keep an eye on all the kids.

So far when they do this to DD she turns and goes and does something else. That's fine. I'm trying to decide how much, if any, to let this bother me. I don't know why this started and considering they come into my house it seems unfair, but then I realize toddlers don't really have much of a sense of fairness. What I worry about is that DD will feel somehow bullied by them since it's 2 against 1.

Should I do anything? Nothing? Leave them alone cause they'll work it out? Stop overreacting? Talk to neighbormommy?

Any advice welcome. Thanks.

[Embee]

When DS was a toddler, I found that I would be VERY bothered by this type of thing. I felt hurt for DS as if it had been me, personally. But when I really looked at the situation, I found that DS actually handled it very well and didn't let it bother him, usually. He is rarely at a loss for "what to do." In short, I was adding the drama.

Since, I've realized that there is no way to avoid these kinds of situations. Kids do things in the name of... immaturity. I decided it was better to foster some healthy resilience in DS, rather than create an atmosphere where he became overly sensitive to such situations. For me, that meant being careful of projecting my own feelings onto the situation and then, focus less on the others, and more on DS, validate HIS feelings if needed: "It hurts to feel excluded. I understand." As he got older, we were able to talk about the reasons otherwise nice people could do not-nice things and by that time, he had a few incidents of his own from which to draw. "When I told "G" he wasn't allowed in my house, it was because I was worried he would break my toys." These were powerful conversations, the first signs of empathy and understanding for others, etc. Indeed, once DS had a few of his own "rude" moments toward others, I was humbled to say the least.

If I see that DS is not terribly affected, I try not to make too much of it. "Looks like they weren't in the mood for company today." Like you said, they are toddlers and given to immature (indeed, rude) behavior. It could be that at that moment they had something going and didn't want it interrupted, but being young, lack the proper and polite way of saying so. If DS did happen to be affected and just didn't show it in the moment, he'll likely bring it into a play scenario when he and I are playing together. This is my confirmation that he's choosing to bring it up, work it through and move on. I play along (again, trying not to add my own drama) and just follow his lead until he's moved beyond it... and then we both let it go.

And then, it's always your DD's right to refuse visitors as well. Of course, because she's had this experience, and she has you to show her the polite way in which to say, "another time maybe" she can avoid making another feel bad. Sometimes it's the rude things other people do that remind me that there's a better way and resolve to remember that in the same place, I'd handle it differently and more politely.

My .02 for whatever that's worth.

The best,
Em

[verde]

Embee, Thank you for your response. That's very helpful advice. I really appreciate your comments.

[Embee]

You are most welcome.

[Kelly Jene]

Embee gave great advice!

I might add, coming from a mom who USED to watch a lot of kids, I would want to know if one of the kids in my care were being impolite. Not to make a big deal of it, but to be aware and have the opportunity to guide the little ones and help them make more polite decisions. Maybe you can bring it up casually in conversation, not as accusatory or anything, but more advisory. I hope that makes sense! Watching that many kids is a big chore and for me, any help would have been welcomed.