Help me with playful parenting

[Kirstyandgirls]

I've read the book (well am 75% of the way through it) but I really think I don't have the imagination to follow it through.

I find it really difficult to 'play' with my dd. I spend time with her reading, cooking, watching tv together, talking (she VERY verbal) going to mum and toddler groups. But I avoid places like playparks or soft play centres unless there are other children for her to play with so she doesn't need input from me (that sounds awful!)

If I try to sit on the floor and 'play' with her barbies, playdough or a board game etc I don't enjoy it and, although I try, we both get bored after a few minutes (I suspect I'm not inputting enough to keep her interested)

Any ideas - does anyone else have a problem with playing with their children? How can I learn to play with a 4 yo?

We've recently had a new baby, and with endless bfing sessions and babywearing, her behaviour is really telling me she needs to connect with me more.

tia Kirsty x

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I play with DD (3.5) but I can't say I usually enjoy it. Its a lot of work! Sometimes we really connect and those times are great.

I spend a lot of time on ebay looking for toys that both of us might enjoy.

I really like to do art projects with her, and she really likes fantasy play. She doesn't like to do art and I find fantasy play very tedious. Sigh.

I guess I've learned to play with her by: 1. Getting some scripts (anything chasing anybody is always entertaining to her) and "rescue missions" ("oh no! The baby cow is stuck in a tree! We've got to save him!"). So my two fallback scripts are: "Grrrr I hear a bear. Its coming closer. We better hide!" and "the ______ is stuck in a tree! oh no!" And 2. Just sitting down with her with some toys and following her lead. She usually lets me know what she wants me to do. Usually she runs the whole show with only minimal responses from me.

Hide and seek is a favorite.

One game she loves is I made a bunch of "footprints" on paper, cut them out, tell her to go hide, then put the footprints on the floor leading eventually to a wrapped package. Doesn't matter whats inside she just likes following the footprints then unwrapping the package.

Another game is fishing - I tie string to a stick, and tape a dixie cup to the string, then go behind the couch with some small toys and maybe a few snacks (a raisin, a cracker, a veggie booty thing, etc). She casts her pole over the couch and I tug on it like a fish. She never knows what she's going to catch next.

In play, verbalizations are hardest for me. But fun play doesn't have to consist of much more than grrrs now and then or making fishy noises. I hate coming up with funny things to say.

[earthus76]

Alot of the play that I engage in with my dd (8 y.o.) has been tangential where I am the fashion show judge, for example (she loves dressing her Barbie dolls!) and can OOh and awww while I cook or load the dishwasher. Or, I'm "big sister" when we play house, helping mom (dd) ... and I'm folding clothes. She gets my undivided attention maybe once a day but for a short period of time, like 15 minutes and she seems to be "filled up" and ok with it. Another thing I do that makes it more enjoyable for me is to insert a kind of alternative flavor to the play such as making my Barbies vegan feminists or playing organic farm and just getting really silly with it (all the animals get to live in the house because my farmers believe that animals have all the rights that people do).

[honeysesame]

phew. so nice to know we're not alone in these things. i feel like i would like to play more but i'm realizing how little it actually happens. dh is definitely more playful, so i reassure myself that at least one parent is.... i think i tend to be more of the comforting or talk about things parent and that seems to be valued as well. i feel like there are other ways i connect, like reading a story, helping with a project, going for a walk, etc. and sometimes when i do try to specifically play a game ds (6) gets frustrated if i don't always let him win.... is it an unspoken rule of parenthood that you're sposed to let them win? i am funny and playful sometimes too, but not the mama who spends hours playing by any means, and while i sometimes feel doubtful about it, mostly i think that's fine.... i think the most important thing is connecting in some way.

[Kirstyandgirls]

nak

:

[lotus.blossom]

I'm reading playful parenting right now......and its STILL so hard for me to play with my son. My mother never played with me (and she doesn't know how to play with my ds) but my dad was super playful to the extreme. I'm lucky that my husband is the same way. I had it down during the infant phase because I love the 'caring for' aspect of childrearing. Toddlers need little caring for and a lot of stimulation and play and I guess I haven't figured out how to do that yet. Seems like the routine things that I used to love about the first year and a half (bathing, feeding, dressing, etc) are a major struggle and frustrating. But I have found that relaxing and making them into a game works well with my ds.

[gosoul2soul]

just try to find something that you guys can both enjoy i know thats easier said then done
but if your daughter enjoys swimming then swim with her and im sure there are some board games that you enjoy try to get her to like them as well

[Kessed]

With the 4.5yo I babysit - I find it helpful to play my own thing to get warmed up.

So if we're doing crafts - I start with my own craft. It gets me interested. Instead of just trying to interact with her and her craft - I get engaged with mine - and the it seems like she is interested in talking to me about what I'm doing. Then I parrot her questions/comments back to her. It lets her quide the level of conversation.

Same thing with playdough. I will make a pig or a snowman (the two things I can make) and then she wants to incorporate them into what she's doing.

With barbies... I start with getting the ones I'm assigned () to do stuff that needs to be done around our house... So I have them pretend to unload the dishwasher or something like that. And if I get bored sitting on the floor (which is really hard for me to do - the sitting that is) then I get up and have the barbie pick up the playroom...

[Embee]

I love the book. Read it years ago and pick it up still for a refresher course. Even still (and the author attests to this as well), it's HARD HARD HARD to play. Especially this kind of special play time where you are trying to follow your child's lead and such. But still, I try. Hang in there.

The best thing for me with DS is to remember that when I'm engaging him in a PP way, I sit where he is and LET HIM LEAD ME. I don't try to guide the play in anyway and I tell ya, if I give it some time, he starts ordering me around, telling me what to say and do, what he NEEDS for me to do in order for him to play what he needs to play, work out what he needs to work through. Really, as hard as it is, I'm not doing any of the work... DS is IN CHARGE and this has wonderful payoffs for him, and for me. With DS, it's usually stuffed animals. He likes to be one and I'm the other and I play off him. If I'm not doing it right, DS let's me know. Usually, something will "come up" in this kind of special play that I can easily see DS working through something... something that scared him, confused him, a time when he broke something and felt bad, all sorts of things.

And then, when I need a break from being bossed around...

The other thing that Cohen suggest is to follow the giggle. There isn't a better way to ease tension than that. Like Kessed mentioned, when she needs to get up off the floor (as I often do as well) she might have Barbie unload the dishwasher and such. I do this too and DS LOVES it. Especially, if Barbie is having a really hard time doing it well or carefully. Anytime I can bring those "hard to be a kid in a grown up world" issues and play the "dolt" all the better. DS laughs and laughs and Barbie struggles to know where everything goes, or almost breaks a plate, or gets just plain overwhelmed. This theme is HUGE with DS and can help his confidence so much.

The other thing DS loves and that is clearly theraputic for him, are stories from DH and I's childhood. He loves to hear us tell stories, especially the ones where DH or I really screwed up and what happened, how we delt with it, etc. He gets HUGE mileage out of those and asks us often, to tell him a story about our childhood when we...

I hope this helps add to your list of ideas. It's NOT easy, but can be such a wonderful gift to learn to play with your child. Funny, how all these years of being adults, we have to teach ourselves how to play, huh?

The best,
Em

[LynnS6]

Embee said it really well. It is mostly about following their lead and following the giggle. Give yourself permission to fail. A lot of the 'games' that I play/played with my kids were a matter of trial and error, not some great idea I had ahead of time that I sat down and implemented!

Here's a few other suggestions:
-Spend 30 minutes of 'floor time' every day where you follow your child's lead. Note, this doesn't have to be pretend play. The only requirement is that your child is in charge. If you do this every day, then it helps you develop a rhythm together of what works and doesn't work.

-Ask open ended questions - "where are your trucks going?" but try not to direct the play with your questions. Make comments on the play "Gosh, look at all these dresses Barbie has!" again, without directing it.

-See what themes your child plays and suggest some of those. Some of dd's favorite themes right now (she's 4) are "birthday party", "family" and "picnic". They're pretty simple really -- for birthday party, we 'wrap' presents (toys/books) in blankets, and then the 'guest' comes to the party, is invited in, there's a 'game', then we 'open presents' and 'have cake'. Then we do it all over again! As dd gets older, more elements get added and the ones that are there become more elaborate. Ds' themes were: garbage truck driver, bus driver, fire truck driver (not firefighter, he just wanted to drive the truck!)

-Don't forget about physical play, especially for girls - chasing, tossing a balloon back and forth, swinging. Throwing a ball back and forth, kicking a soccer ball, jumping rope together are all great activities. Sometimes this leads to new 'games' that work out themes the child needs to. Ds invented a balloon game where we batted a balloon back and forth, and if it fell outside certain bounds, it "got stuck" in "the mud". That was a time for me to pretend to be less competent and let the balloon fall in the mud, and then he could rescue it! I don't know what need it filled, but he loved that game.

-I don't let my kids always win a board game, though I've been known to 'throw' a few games when I need to get doing something else and need the game to end! But my winning teaches our kids how to be graceful losers. And some kids need a lot more practice than others. Our ds is a pretty decent loser except if he's tired. My nephew was TERRIBLE. But the whole family worked with him, acknowledged his feelings, and showed him what happens when you throw tantrums after you lose (people don't want to play anymore). Now he's grown up to be a compassionate, caring, somewhat competitive young man. If losing is really an issue - look for cooperative games to connect you.

-Don't discount the value of just sitting on the floor together. Sometimes just "hanging out" has led to new games, or wrestling or whatever my kids need. Sometimes when I'm really tired, I'll lie on the bed and the kids will join me, climb on me, and we'll connect that way.

-I don't do arts and crafts. Period. Ever. I hate them. So, if you do that, and it's a great way for you to connect with your kids, then substitute that for pretend play some of the time. I like pretend play. I'm good at. I hate crafts. I suck at them! But I'll bake with my kids, play with my kids, tell them stories, and just hang out.

I think in the end, it's more about watching what your kids' needs are. My kids are really into pretend play, but then,they're my kids -- and a lively imagination has been a gift and a curse my whole life! Some kids don't do a lot of pretend play (one of my nephews didn't do a lot). Instead they're more physical, more social, or more into goal oriented play.

[rzberrymom]

I find it really difficult to 'play' with my dd. I spend time with her reading, cooking, watching tv together, talking (she VERY verbal) going to mum and toddler groups. But I avoid places like playparks or soft play centres unless there are other children for her to play with so she doesn't need input from me (that sounds awful!)

If I try to sit on the floor and 'play' with her barbies, playdough or a board game etc I don't enjoy it and, although I try, we both get bored after a few minutes (I suspect I'm not inputting enough to keep her interested)

I'm the exact same way!! I dread this part of parenting. But, I try not to beat myself up about it and instead try to find something that works for both me and my 3 year old.

What I've done is find things that I can do that allow me to intermittently participate in her play. For example, while I'm doing the dishes she'll bring me her stuffed animals that she's selling at her store--I'll ask her if she sells any animals that have wings but that aren't birds, and she'll dig around in her toys and find a bat or a butterfly. We can go on and on with this game, and all the while I'm getting the house cleaned, the laundry done, etc. We've managed to do the same game while I'm reading a book.

I often go to the playground with work, and she's learned to put up with it. I push her for a while on the swing, and then I get back to my work. We go to cafes and I get her started on a puzzle and then I get back to reading the New York Times while she sits on my lap. I read her 3 books and then encourage her to take over and read to her stuffed animals while I read my book.

She just knows that I have these limits--it took us a little while to adjust to it, but she gets it now and will make suggestions for what activities can work for both of us.

I know this might sound like neglectful parenting, but it's the only way I can do the job with love and true excitement. I just can't play Candyland for 2 hours with my kiddo--I love her to death, but I just can't do it.

Anyway, I don't know if that will help, but I thought it might.

[SkyMomma]

I loved Lyns6's reply, & do the same, wlthough I enjoy arts & crafts & we do alot of it in our house. I also really liked Cohen's book, found the part re: boys very useful. I have a few suggestions:

1.) For a short time just follow your child's lead in play (& what other's have suggested, the giggle). DS likes to play certain tickle games, stuffed animal play, etc. I let him direct the action for a while, usually not much longer than 15 minutes (what I can stand!), but that's often enough. Sometimes he wants me to participate by being the audience, or sewing a costume, figuring out how to make a stage...honestly, those are much easier for me. I love doing projects with him!

2.) Participate in your child''s play in small ways. Example: DS is crawling around on the floor meowing. I need to brush his hair. I say, "Come here little kitty, it's time to be brushed". Big smile, instead of complaints. Or just now, DS is getting ready to go to the playground with DH. He comes over to me & says "we're going mountain climbing!" I respond, "How cool, are you bringing your climbing ropes? What else are you packing for your expedition?" I think alot of playing with our children is our willingness to suspend "reality" (whatever that is) & climb into their world with them.

3.) What kind of play do you like? Follow what you love to do! Do you love to cook? Make cooking the fun giggly thing. Can you let your child take the lead in someway, picking out spices, or being in charge of telling you when to add the next ingredient? In our house we play a ton of music (sometimes cooperatively, sometimes with Skyler leading the band). I like creative work, so I set up collages, painting, sewing projects, whatever & invite Sky to join in. I love to swim, so we play in the water all summer, sometimes swimming, sometimes playing Skyler-led games ("Mama, you are a giant sea turtle & I'm riding on your back!") Find what you love, & invite your child to play with you!

[maciascl]

: I really struggle with this! Subbing to read more later!!

[schellie]

I was just thinking about this yesterday and feel awful. I need to find something we both enjoy besides bike riding. She used to garden with me, but not anymore. She does have an awesome imagination, but I never see it. I would love to see it in action, hence me trying to find things we could do.

[eli janine]

I'm reading PP, too, and while sometimes I'm really inspired and have great luck, other times I suck at it. I think the biggest hurdle for me is putting down all my other stuff and putting all of my energy into actually playing, instead of just "Uhm-hmm" all the time. I do a great job with reading together and even art projects, but the whole driving cars around the floor or Barbies or whatever leaves me feeling like I'd rather dig my own eyes out with a spork.

I'm blogging about my successes and challenges with the book, so here's a link to my three posts about the book, so far. They're in reverse order, so earliest at the bottom. I think the key is really the connection. We've started having daily wrestling matches on the living room floor, and my oldest really enjoys it. I was worried that it would make him fight more with his younger brother, but our rules were just, "We only wrestle with mom or dad. We don't tickle, bite, scratch, or jump on people. We only push or tug and use our muscles." It actually seems that he wrestles less with Avery now.

[Kirstyandgirls]

OP:

Thanks for the repies everyone. I'm glad I'm not alone. Some of the suggestions are really interesting - will have another look through the replies when the kids are in bed tonight.

Thanks again x

[Embee]

Great thread, and lots of great new ideas... I can always use some inspiration!

I'm looking back for a long dead thread which was dedicated to PP, but without the search engine, it's tricky. I'll post a link when I find it.

The best,
Em