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Any married bi mamas (or others) in open relationships? I have questions!

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
How did you approach your SO about having an open relationship?

What kind of ground rules do you follow?
post #2 of 19
:

I recently brought this idea up to DH, although it was more of a need for me then a want. And he has thoroughly freaked out. He is already insecure, so now he is convinced that I am just going to leave him. Ugh.

So, I will be watching this thread looking for some help too.
post #3 of 19
Bi here. Dh doesn't have a problem with me being involved with other women, just other men.

It wasn't really a subject that was brought up one day-he knew my orientation when we got together and he doesn't consider it a threat at all.

My ex, however, thought that if I had been with a woman it would have been worse cheating than if I was with another man. Didn't stop him, though.
post #4 of 19
It's been a few years so it's kinda hard to say how it came about. At the time I figured out I was bi, he was pretty freaked about that, but that was much earlier on and he was in an insecure place, and also still recovering from a restrictive upbringing. A few years later, "all our friends" were poly it seemed, and it made sense to talk about it, even if from a "so what do you think of all that?" standpoint. I can't even remember who said what or anything, but we agreed to try it and keep it flexible, and it's been... almost 6 years now.
post #5 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by paquerette View Post
It's been a few years so it's kinda hard to say how it came about. At the time I figured out I was bi, he was pretty freaked about that, but that was much earlier on and he was in an insecure place, and also still recovering from a restrictive upbringing. A few years later, "all our friends" were poly it seemed, and it made sense to talk about it, even if from a "so what do you think of all that?" standpoint. I can't even remember who said what or anything, but we agreed to try it and keep it flexible, and it's been... almost 6 years now.
We have some poly friends too. Your story gives me hope. Not to take over NYCVeg's thread or anything...
post #6 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapientia View Post
It wasn't really a subject that was brought up one day-he knew my orientation when we got together and he doesn't consider it a threat at all.
However, bisexuality and non-monogamy aren't synonymous. Dh has always known I was bi and that I had serious long-term relationships with women; but we have been monogamous for the 10 years we've been together.

We don't know anyone in poly relationships, and I don't think that's even what I'm interested in (given my understanding of poly, in general and from reading the thread in this forum).
post #7 of 19
I'm bi, well, so far over to the lesbian side I fell over, but married to a man, so that outs me
DP knew when he met me I was into women (I was in a committed r/ship with a woman), but it's been a long road to him accepting an open r/ship.
now I have a Gf and we all live together, so it works out nicely.
but every individual situation is different, and open communication is really key.
post #8 of 19
I am also a married bi mom. My husband is ok with me being in a relationship with a woman. It was difficult to tell him that I really needed to be with a woman. He knew that I was bi early in the relationship so it didn't bother him too much. I am in a relationship now with an amazing woman and she moved in with us several months ago. Our kids love her and we all get along really great! Our kids only know her as a really close friend of the family and do not seem to ask any questions.

It is sooo important to keep the lines of communication open and make sure that no one is jealous. Our lives have been so crazy lately that I am finding it hard to make special time with everyone and there have been some issues here and there. Only a few people actually know the extent of the relationship and I'm not sure how people would react. I just don't want it to affect the kids in a negative way.

I wish you luck and just be honest with your husband about how you feel. I am glad that I am not the only mom in this type of a situation, but it's not always easy.

Lisa
post #9 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post
However, bisexuality and non-monogamy aren't synonymous
True true! Right now we are monogamous and most likely will be for awhile. I tend towards poly, though.
post #10 of 19
i am a bi mama married to a man, and our relationship is open to the point where he encourages me to find a gf already! lol he wants no part of that relationship, sexually or intimately, and he has no desire to partner with a man or woman besides me.

so far it is all 'theory' though because i have not 'followed through' on a physical or emotional relationship with any women since he and i have been together.

im kind of scared to death of rejection-eek!
post #11 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post

We don't know anyone in poly relationships, and I don't think that's even what I'm interested in (given my understanding of poly, in general and from reading the thread in this forum).
I'm not sure what the distinction you're making between open relationships and poly relationships is...there are many ways poly relationships can take shape. I call my relationship a poly relationship-I'm married to my husband, and have a long term relationship with another partner.

It wasn't something we approached, so much as how we came into our relationship. We both came into the relationship with experience in poly relationships previously-my relationship with my girlfriend actually sort of pre-dates my relationship with my husband. Our biggest rule or guideline is to be honest and to communicate. The next one is "don't put someone else's health, safety or welfare at risk." We don't have a lot of more formal rules going on beyond that-really it's about focusing on the relationships and taking care of them. In my case (and my girlfriend's) we use a primary-secondary relationship structure...that's not the way everyone or everything works, but it means that we put the most energy and the most care into our marriages-the person whom we live with, manage finances with co-parent with, etc-in other words, if that person got a new job and was moving miles away, we'd start packing, vs. the person who we'd say to "when can we visit"? My GF and I are the "when can we visit" type while we each have a husband who fits the "we'd start packing" type-and in fact, that's what's happened to us.

I've rambled too much. What I'm wondering here is what you perceive to be the difference between poly and open relationships and what you're actually wondering about.
post #12 of 19
Married bi mama here...

DH is very accepting of all parts of who I am, for which i am very grateful lol. We have talked seriously about me having a g/f as well. We, ahhh, had one threesome lol. I am not sure how to classify us at this point .
post #13 of 19
Well I'm not yet a mama and not officially married (practically are though), but I am 'pansexual' and in an open/poly relationship.
From the start of my relationship with dp he said he was happy for me to have external relationships with women. He always thought of it as, if she goes off with a woman there isn't much I can do because I can never be a women. We didn't really discuss the logistics of that set up.
I always threw in the comment that he was free to see other women too, which I think at first he saw as a joke. Finally he asked if I was serious and we discussed that I'd always liked the idea of an open relationship and he went away and thought about it. Over the next 8 months he asked questions and we talked about it, and mostly he spent the time soul searching and deciding if he could really deal with it (I have always been very unconventional, but he was of the strictly monogamous mind-set due to social conditioning). Finally he decided that yes he was ready for all it entails and we opened our relationship up.
It most definitely hasn't been plain sailing for many reasons, but it has also been wonderful as individuals and as a couple.
We have the rule of always use protection and always being honest with each other. We communicate until the cows come home and we don't hide things from each other. I think this really is the key for a successful open relationship.
For us we were suddenly not playing by societies rules. Hell there were no rules anymore! and so we had to constant assess where the goal posts were and if we were both happy with them.
Another thing I imagine helps is to make sure the other person realizes it isn't about them not being good enough, but about wanting to get the most out of life. Especially when it is about feeling more complete as a bisexual - as my dp says 'he can't be a women to me and so he is happy that I can satisfy that side of me by our relationship dynamic'.
post #14 of 19
We are here, not quite sure where that is, but this thread has been interesting to read. Nice to know I'm not alone.

I am excited about the journey I am about to take.
post #15 of 19
Bi mama here, dh knows and encourages me to have a gf, I'm just nervous to tread into those waters! I wonder where to find someone though.
post #16 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Surfacing View Post
Bi mama here, dh knows and encourages me to have a gf, I'm just nervous to tread into those waters! I wonder where to find someone though.


good gfs usually can't be "found", they just appear when you least expect it
post #17 of 19
I have been in an open/poly lifestyle for over 10 years now. One of the resources that I have found to be so valuable has been NVC (Non-Violent Communication). My favorite book is Don't be Nice, Be Real by Kelly Bryson. On of my partners and I also did some private sessions with him and found it to be priceless. I know another couple who was really struggling with Poly and they have had great success in working with him.

It all comes down to getting your needs met, which can be horribly difficult. We live in a society where we compromise ourselves all the time and that can sometimes take us out of our joy. It's about enjoying either shift or synergy in relating.

Another great resource is Tristian Taoromino's book Opening UP. This book can help both you and your partner find out if this lifestly is right for you. It talks about some of the real benefits and challenges and there are alot of questionaires that can help you to work out what arrangement would be best for you.

Overall, take it slow, get support, be transparent and communitate clearly.
Hope that helps.
post #18 of 19
I'm a bi mama married to a bi daddy. We're also poly. I've been poly for 16 years, he's learned poly through me in our 10+ years together. It began as a problem between us when he thought I'd change my ways, magically, once I was pregnant. After a few years of talking and building our relationship, he was on the same page. We've refined our ground rules over the years and I swear they change with every new relationship's beginning and end. Basically we put respect of all people, including children, at the top. Second, protection, which can also fall under respect. We have strict rules about STD testing and fluid bonding, other than that it all falls under respect and open, honest communication. When communication breaks down, we yell "Whoa! Time out!! What's going on here?!" and we talk it through. Basically, all love should feed each other. My love for my partner is fed by his love for his girlfriend and vise versa. We gauge the value of remaining polyamorous by how much heart/soul food everyone is receiving or losing. Does that make sense?
post #19 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Surfacing View Post
Bi mama here, dh knows and encourages me to have a gf, I'm just nervous to tread into those waters! I wonder where to find someone though.
It's been very challenging to find someone. I first wen to craigslist, still searching. I have a starting point but we mostly have an intellectual connection.
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