My 6 yo's treatment of my 3 yo . . .

[Mizelenius]

I know some people say to "stay out" of sibling relationships. However, for those of you that do not, what do you do when your older child is being insensitive to the younger one? My older child will ignore my younger child when she is talking, put her down, say she doesn't like her, etc. It can be very hurtful to my 3 yo. She will tell me in private, "F doesn't like me."

Both DH and I are the 2nd child in our families, so maybe that is why it especially bothers us.

We've told her other ways of phrasing things (say, "I don't like what you're doing" or "I'm mad" instead of "I don't like you") but it doesn't work. We try to get her to listen when her sister is talking, but she gets resentful. Of course, when SHE wants to play/talk, she is insistent on her sister's attention, but it is easy to be one-sided when you're 6.

[chaimom]

I have 6 yr old twins and a 2 yo dd. There are plenty of times when they have been insensitive to my dd, and I always call them on it. I ask them to speak in a more polite way to her. I'll point out that she's trying to say something to them. I'll tell them that rude talk hurts her feelings.

For the most part, they remember to treat her nicely. But one of the boys definitely does it from the heart, while the other one does it because he knows he should (and I'm fine with that, too).

One thing that has helped is making them my special helpers with her. Sometimes when we're out, I'll put one of them in charge of her (wink, wink). They like that responsibility and I'm always pleasantly surprised at how good they are with her. I'll also ask one or the other to play with her for 15 or 20 minutes sometimes when I'm getting dinner ready, which also helps. It's hard in our house because the boys have each other, so we have to create ways for them to have fun playtimes together.

HTH!

p.s. I don't believe in staying out of it. IMHO, kids don't instinctively know how to interact with each other; they need help figuring out the right ways. That's why I always step in when they're younger and it's only now that my boys are older that I've started telling them to work it out on their own.

[kacymoose]

Many times, I will use an indirect approach. When one of my kids is upset about something the other did, I talk with the upset child about what they are upset about, and how they wish the sibling would treat them. Often the sibling will overhear. They will then want to tell their side of the story. He was in my way or trying to play with my stuff or whatever. Because they are already wanting to talk about it, they are more open to hearing suggestions about better way to handle things.

When I go in demanding that the sibling talk nicer or share, that sibling is not very receptive. They just feel defensive and don't want to hear what I have to say.

[LynnS6]

There's a difference between "staying out of it" and "not taking sides". I'm in the "don't take sides" camp. As a younger sister myself, I also know that the young one isn't always "innocent". (My view may also be jaded a bit because I have a very persistent, some would say 'bossy', 4 year old, and a somewhat laid back 7 yo.)

I do try to stay out of it until they are clearly unable to solve it themselves. The older they get, the easier it becomes. A 3 yo isn't able to solve many problems herself, a 4 yo is becoming able to, with a lot of support. By 7, I suspect she'll be pretty good at it. (Especially dd. Heck, she can out-argue dh and me, even now!)

What I do for our kids (same age span, now 7 (ds) and 4 (dd) is:
A lot of reflective listening "Oh, he did that? Hm.. .how did you feel? What can you tell him? Can you think of another way to do it?"

A lot of brainstorming with them to give them the tools to come to a solution.

Reminding of the older one that his sister can't always keep up, or that if he doesn't ever play what she wants to play, she'll eventually stop wanting to play with him (hard to him to really understand because she's much more interested in playing with him that he is with her).

Reminding of the younger one that her older brother sometimes likes to do his own thing, and that he'll be happier to play with her if he's had a break.

Engaging them in games where they can both play - I see this as sort of the reverse of intervening. If the 3 of us can play together, I think that spills over when it's just the 2 of them.

When I do intervene, I try to make it about both of them, so that I'm not taking sides. "both of you, stop screaming!"

Making sure I spend one-on-one time with each of them. The kind of time each of them needs is very different. Dd needs a lot of physical contact. Ds needs a lot of time doing things together. Both need 'acts of service' to feel loved. When I can do that (and it's hard), life moves much more smoothly.

[bscal]

I think that part of my responsibilities as a parent is to teach my children how to work well with others, use a nice tone of voice, and be kind to others. I also think I should be responsible for teaching my younger one to use her voice and speak up if she is upset with her big sister. If big sis is being rather bossy, then I sometimes intervene to help my younger one put her feelings into words instead of whining or screaming. I tend to act as mediator often in their squabbles. I don't walk in and just hand the toy they are fighting over to the younger child (that's how my mom did things... I was the older one and felt cheated)... I talk with them and see if we can find a compromise.

If I left them completely alone it would escalate to physical violence at some point. They are getting better at it... if I hear them starting to argue I give them time to work it out but listen carefully... if they end up yelling or name calling then I go ahead in there. Every now and then they work it out themselves and I make sure to tell each of them that I am proud of how they used words to find a good solution.

Beth