Am I selfish for wanting a baby?

[EarthMamaToBe]

DH is 28 and I am 37 and we have been TTC for about 2 1/2 years. At our 4th of July picnic I was discussing TTC with a few other ladies when I was told I was "selfish for taking such a risk" and "how was I going to feel when we got a handicapped baby?" Recently I've also been told (by a mom) that I should "be glad we have no kids because we can do whatever we want"

Am I nuts for wanting a baby at 37? Are the risks REALLY that big?

[JustJamie]

No, you're not selfish.

[motherofphilosophy]

Big hugs. You are NOT selfish! The person who said that to you was incredibly inconsiderate! You've had 37 years to do whatever you want, right?! I'm so sorry and I'm sending you lots of good, fertile vibes!

[EarthMamaToBe]

Yeah, DH and I have had 10 years to do whatever we wanted!

[Dena]

No, you are absolutely not being selfish. You are being a normal woman whose bio clock is ticking. I'm so sorry you had to hear that. And surprised that those prejudices are still out there. My mom was told similar things almost 40 years ago when she waited for me to make my debut - she was 39 at the time. While some might disagree, I think I turned out ok.

I had my first child at almost 36 (would have been sooner, but IF had other plans for us) and my second at 39. Both are very healthy, bright, and normal girls. And a good friend of mine just had her second at 41 - again a normal, healthy child. For that matter, we are hoping for another, if the fates are willing and our IVF pocketbooks hold out. Yes, some risks are heightened, but not by a whole lot, imo.

As for the people who seem to believe that when you can't get pg you should automatically adopt or you are being selfish, well, that is a whole nother thread, but I always like to ask them why they didn't adopt.

And to the woman who said you could be glad you could do whatever you want, what is her answer when you say all you want to do is take care of your baby?

One final thought, if it helps, I am willing to bet that if you had gone up to that group and announced you were never going to have children because you and dh like your freedom, well, guess what they would have called you?

ETA: Totally OT, but I just clicked on your store link in your siggie, and oh, my goodness, what beautiful stuff!!

[EarthMamaToBe]

Thanks Ladies! I love to hear about people "my age" who have had healthy pregnancies!

BTW I told this lady in answer to "how would I feel..." that I would FEEL like a MOTHER!

[dandelionsrflowers]

you are not selfish! i can not believe the things that come out of peoples' mouths. that was entirely rude and uncalled for. big hugs!

[SunShy]

No you aren't selfish! Whoever made that comment was out of line.

[trying for #1]

you are not selfish. You ar e a woman who wants to start a family and you have the right to do so. There are women having babies in their 50's these days so I say do it!

[kristenok18]

I'm sorry you had to endure that.

[corikodjo]

Just so you know. I'm 39 and TTC. But on top of that I'm a doula in NYC and I would say that a majority of my clients are in their late 30s early 40s.

[Angi]

Well, if you are selfish, then I am too. I'm 38 and will be TTC via donor in a couple of weeks.

I say we start a "You say selfish, I say stable" thread.

[hope4light]

I would say that everyone who made those horrible comments to you have no idea what it is like to want a baby, but not have an easy time just getting pg, regardless of the reason. I agree with all the PP that it was out of line.

I think that a lot of people here would agree that people who make comments like those, it is best to steer clear of them whenever you are truly down about it, or are going through treatments. I would avoid the topic like the plague when you are around them.... and I understand that is difficult with a parent, as my mom has made the horrible comments as well. There are some resources on resolve.com to help those that you want to keep in the loop to be more understanding. GL in this journey, I hope that the outcome is exactly what you decide you want.

[Dena]

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

Thanks Ladies! I love to hear about people "my age" who have had healthy pregnancies!

BTW I told this lady in answer to "how would I feel..." that I would FEEL like a MOTHER!

Great answer!

[barose]

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

Thanks Ladies! I love to hear about people "my age" who have had healthy pregnancies!

BTW I told this lady in answer to "how would I feel..." that I would FEEL like a MOTHER!

I live in a whole community of women who don’t start having their first (healthy babies) until they are in the late 30s and early 40s. It’s so common hear, I’m shocked women are still getting crap for it. I would pay those people no mind. Its none of their business anyway! :

[biomama]

I can't believe how rude people can be. Well, actually I can. I haven't told a soul (other than doctors & medical people) that we are TTC. I don't think I could handle all the insensitive comments I know people would make.

GL and keep your chin up!

[Tandy]

I think it is a perfectly natural thing to want a baby. Especially in your late 30s. Especially if you haven't had one yet. I am told that when women go through menopause it's the complete opposite. They lose all interest in babies. Part of it is hormonal and part emotional but perfectly natural.

As others have said, that person was a complete idiot. But I have to admit that I have wondered that very thing about myself a time or two. I worked through it and have realized that it's not selfish. I want to be pregnant, nurse and rear a child. At least one. My body/soul/mind yearns for this very natural human experience. And that is why I am not adopting yet. I want to be pregnant etc...

I hope you will work through this too in your own way. It's definitely something worth looking at deeply.

Hugs to you...

[angiepants]

stick to your guns

I think that you are being honest with yourself and that women like you who choose and try to get pregnant turn into the most dedicated, loving mothers. On the flip side, we dealt with infertility at a young age (22-24) and had loads of guilt being surrounded by people who had been trying for years and years. (my mother had also warned me that we were 'fertile people' when I was a teenager) In the end we decided not to share our intentions with many and I was glad to not have loads of people asking when it will happen. Choosing to have a baby is a completely personal, introspective choice between you and your partner. The comments you heard were rude, tactless and representative of the beginnings of the judgements people feel are ok to pass on mothers. Stick to your guns, and know that becoming a mother is the ultimate choice in selflessness. Best of luck.

ps. We know have a 4 1/2 yr old and a 2 yr old -well worth it all!

[Sri Radha]

Right on, Dena! People can be such buttholes! The odds are on your side to have a perfectly healthy child. How rude, ignorant, and inconsiderate that person was. Sorry you had to deal with that!

[attached2mason]

Great replies so far - ITA - not at all selfish. Those comments are just so wrong on so many levels, GAH!

I find the reasoning that women shouldn't TTC in their 30's and 40's b/c of risks of health issues totally bizarre. Even if we concede that, say, the "risk" of Downs is higher, so what? Is that child any less a wonderful addition to a family? Why on earth would we want to avoid having children who are different, yk? Besides . . . I am in my late 20's and ttc - we have a family history of heart disease - does that mean I should not ttc because there is a higher risk of passing that on? Creating new life is always "risky" in one way or another, regardless of age.

Anyway, I'll stop ranting now . I'm sorry to hear that you had to hear all that garbage. The selfish comments are just so hurtful . . . sort of like when people hint that they think DH and I are selfish for wanting a second one when we already have a son. Stupid.