Am I selfish for wanting a baby? - Page 2

[EarthMamaToBe]

I have a friend who just MC # 8 and the things people have said to her are just horrifying! It's like she does not have the right to grieve the loss of this child or try again. She was actually told "well, maybe you shouldn't be GREEDY!"

People are just MEAN!

[Dena]

Originally Posted by EarthMamaToBe

I have a friend who just MC # 8 and the things people have said to her are just horrifying! It's like she does not have the right to grieve the loss of this child or try again. She was actually told "well, maybe you shouldn't be GREEDY!"

People are just MEAN!

Yup. I got a fair amount of this when one of my twins died in utero. I was told to count my blessings that I had a healthy daughter. Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't grieve the one who died. I even got some flack from people who should know better - i.e., those who have experienced m/c and stillbirth, because I still got to have a baby, so somehow I was not entitled to be so sad that one of my babies died.

[zech13_9_goforgold]

Originally Posted by angiepants

we dealt with infertility at a young age (22-24)

We're also dealing with infertility at a "young" age. We get flak the other direction, "You're too young to worry about this yet." What I want to know is, what do people think is the "right" age to be infertile? I have my own ideas of what situations are best for children, but I'm not going to open my mouth and prove myself a fool to you.

I feel for all of you who have been doing this infertility thing for a long time. It sure hits us right at what it means to be a woman, doesn't it?

[Tandy]

Originally Posted by zech13_9_goforgold

It sure hits us right at what it means to be a woman, doesn't it?

i couldn't have said it better myself...

i feel less of a woman...

and that's part of why i am not up to adopting yet...

i want my body to be pregnant and nurse a babe at my breasts...

i want the whole woman experience that is sometimes so degraded in our culture...

i could go on for a long time about this...i'll start another thread if anyone is interested...

[barose]

Originally Posted by Tandy

i couldn't have said it better myself...

i feel less of a woman...

and that's part of why i am not up to adopting yet...

i want my body to be pregnant and nurse a babe at my breasts...

i want the whole woman experience that is sometimes so degraded in our culture...

i could go on for a long time about this...i'll start another thread if anyone is interested...

Totally!

I would be interested in a thread if you are.

[Dena]

Originally Posted by Tandy

i couldn't have said it better myself...

i feel less of a woman...

and that's part of why i am not up to adopting yet...

i want my body to be pregnant and nurse a babe at my breasts...

i want the whole woman experience that is sometimes so degraded in our culture...

i could go on for a long time about this...i'll start another thread if anyone is interested...

"Defective" was how I used to describe myself. I would walk through the mall and wonder if anyone could tell I was defective, that my body had so much trouble acheiving what it was supposedly designed for. The feeling still lingers, and probably always will.

[Dena]

Originally Posted by zech13_9_goforgold

We're also dealing with infertility at a "young" age. We get flak the other direction, "You're too young to worry about this yet." What I want to know is, what do people think is the "right" age to be infertile? I have my own ideas of what situations are best for children, but I'm not going to open my mouth and prove myself a fool to you.

I feel for all of you who have been doing this infertility thing for a long time. It sure hits us right at what it means to be a woman, doesn't it?

I have several friends who were young when they went through their IF journey, and these types of comments always rankled me on their behalf. Honestly, would "gosh, I'm so sorry you are having to go through such a difficult time" be such a tough thing to say?

[ChelseaW]

I can't believe someone would say that to you! -But then at the same time, I can totally believe it, because I've seen how inappropriate people can be when commenting on others' family planning choices! On the other side of the coin, I have some friends who have chosen to be childless and they get comments all the time about how selfish they are for not having kids. And apparently, you're selfish for wanting to. : It just goes to show that no matter what you choose, you can never please everyone. Just do what you feel is right for YOU and your family and don't worry about the $&!@#s who want to tell you how to live your life!

[Georgia_Julia]

I am floored... truly floored!! Exactly HOW is that "selfish"???? I am asking because I want to understand that kind of mindset!

Ya know, I wanted to have four children by the time I was 30. Well, I didn't even meet my husband until I was 30... then it took several years of trying to conceive... three miscarriages later, here I am almost 37 and still trying to have baby #1. That is "selfish" because I'm so elderly??? I don't get it. I'm so sorry someone was so unspeakably RUDE to you!!!

[Pookietooth]

I got pregnant at 36 and had a son, and he's not handicapped. I'm TTC #2 at 42 and hoping for the best. The people who make those comments have never been in your shoes.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I don't think it's selfish of anyone, at any age, to have the strong desire to birth a child; and I cringe at the idea that a "defective" child, a "handicapped" child* is so horrible. I am so sorry that people are as unkind and insensitive as they are.

Originally Posted by Tandy

i feel less of a woman...
and that's part of why i am not up to adopting yet...
i want my body to be pregnant and nurse a babe at my breasts...
i want the whole woman experience that is sometimes so degraded in our culture...

I'd like to gently point out, though, and I know you all know this (or, I hope you all know this), that being a mother biologically is not what makes you a woman. I can't even begin to describe the pain that I continue to feel when I dream about carrying and breastfeeding a babe of my (biologically) own, but I also know in my heart of hearts that I am no less of a woman because of my inability to carry a child to term. Being an adoptive mom is definitely different than if I'd carried my daughter, but in the end, I'm still a mom, I'm still a whole woman. Our culture would love for us to be "only moms" and "only pregnant" - it is, in fact, what we do on the other end of the journey to find (whatever it means for each of us) our child/ren that society is/should be really afraid/respectful of.

I wish us all peace in every stage of the journeys that we find ourselves.



*FWIW, the term that most people feel more comfortable with these days is child with disabilities instead of disabled/handicapped child - kind of like the difference between barren woman and woman with fertility issues - they're children/we're women first.

[quantumleap]

I actually think that it *is* selfish to want a child. In this day and age, not everyone *needs* to reproduce in order to assure the continuation of the species. What says we'll be better parents than other people? I've struggled with all of this on a personal level ever since we found out, three years ago, that we weren't able to have children. It is, in a way, selfish to invest so much time, energy, money and thought into achieving pregnancy.
I am in no way saying that the comment to the OP was called for or anything other than heartless and cruel. I am also not saying that people struggling with infertility are any more selfish than those who don't have this particular battle. I really think that we all have the right to certain basic things, childbearing included, but that doesn't mean that it is an entirely selfless decision. Infertility sucks, and it does rip away an essential part of our humanity.
As mentioned by a pp, there are inherant risks to all pregnancies. You, OP, and all the rest of us, are actually better prepared for such things, just because we have to *think* about all of this stuff before we find a child in our arms. We make educated decisions, we research and read and discuss and come to conclusions about how we want to parent and what choices we will make in pregnancy, labour and birth.
I love the response to "why don't you just adopt?" from above. I am totally going to use that one! (although, I doubt I'll be getting the question once our brown child is in our white family).
Hopefully that was clear and not offensive. Cause I totally want to go rip into that woman (and possibly tp her house? )

[ttc81304]

I do not feel it was selfish at all. My mom just had a baby at the age of 43. And he is just fine and healthy.

I say go for whatever your heart desires. And remember this is YOUR life not theirs to live.

[Snapdragon]

omg! not all all! I am 35 and dh is 26 and we have been ttc for a year. So many people I know have babies in theri late 30s. It can be harder to conceive I am discoverin::::
but of course it is not selfish!!!!!

[EarthMamaToBe]

Ladies, I can't tell you how much all your responses mean to me. Just knowing I'm not alone is a wonderful (not that I'd wish infertility on anyone of course). Seeing some of you put down exactly how I feel had me crying on my keyboard. THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!: