I've been lurking on all of the MDC boards for a while, and I have learned so much from this community! I am hoping some of you might have some suggestions or insights for my situation.
My DS is 3.5, and we also have a DD who is almost 1. DS has always been a very intense person, and since about age 2 we have had a lot of really tough periods with him. He is very smart and verbal, and can be amazingly perceptive, loving, and fun to be around. He has amazing focus for things and can be very empathetic (especially with his sister). The problem is that much of the time he is very very difficult to get along with.
He has always been a kid who says "No!" to anything and everything as his immediate response. On days where he is really in that mood, everything is a huge struggle, even doing things that he likes and wants to do! For example, he will ask to go to the park, and we will say 'sure!' but then he will absolutely refuse to do the things that need to be done to make that happen (put on shoes, sunscreen, get in the carseat).
We try to make a game out of it. We give him simple instructions, not long lists of things (we just say 'sit down in front of me, please' for the shoes, or whatever). We help him where he needs help. But it can be *such* fight. Sometimes he'll run away midway through. Other times he'll sit on his feet. When that happens, we get up and tell him that when he is ready to go to the park, he can let us know and we will put his shoes on. Then we get up and go read the newspaper or do something else. The problem is that this can go on *forever* and it is not fair to anyone when we can't go out to do things we all enjoy.
He can be a very anxious kid, so we suspect sometimes things like this have to do with his anxiety about going out (I have anxiety disorder, so I understand the apprehension about going new places, but this happens for very familiar places that we go every day). So we try to have a clear schedule (I write it out and draw pictures for him of what we will do every day, with his input so we are making decisions together about how we spend our time--to a point at least!). I don't call attention to his anxiety but if he is acting like this I try to figure out if there is something that is worrying him. But it can be so frustrating because sometimes it seems like he's just doing it to be ornery! I would understand if this happened sometimes (he's 3, after all, I expect a power struggle now and then!) or for things he didn't enjoy as much (running errands) but it is for things he enjoys!
The other major issue is that he can get very wound up and even aggressive. Sometimes it is out of the blue (although I suspect it has to do with times he is overwhelmed or anxious) and other times it is when we set and enforce a limit. We never say "if you do x again, then y" without following through with y when he does x. We have been utterly consistent since day 1 about that. The problem is that if he is getting worked up, and I say, "DS, if you throw another toy (in a busy library play room) we will need to leave (or step outside to calm down, or play with different toys, or whatever)," and he throws again, I cannot physically get him out. He throws a fit, and he is a *big* kid. At that point he will hit, kick, and even scratch. He is unable to calm himself down when he has a big fit.
Some things really set him off, like he's obsessed with pulling out huge handfuls of grass and cannot stop himself when he's started. We cannot get him to stop without picking him up and taking him off the grass, but then he turns on us with hitting/kicking. Little things like that can get him into a real tizzy that is hard to get out of. Putting on sunscreen (which is a non-negotiable for us) can devolve into a battle of kicking, hitting, etc. (even when we let him put it on himself, or put it on us, or make a game out of it).
We believe in respecting him as a person and try so hard to understand where he is coming from. We try to keep lots of creative ideas so that we can encourage him in the right direction without ordering him around (and inviting a power struggle). It feels like we've tried everything (time outs--he would be in and out of time out for 3 straight hours if we let him because there was no way to make him stay put; time ins--this could make things worse because of the physical contact; making sure consequences are natural, etc.). But some days are *so* exhausting as everything is such a struggle, and we (especially me, as I am home with them most of the time) are running out of energy!
We are (and always have been) very careful to make sure he gets enough sleep, eats high-protein, low-starch meals/snacks every 2 hours. He watches no tv. We try to keep things low-key and model calm behavior and problem solving skills (although I admit I have yelled when I've gotten frustrated, although I am not proud of it). He's not as bad at preschool but is very tentative there (not argumentative like at home).
We have had him into the pediatrician, and she agrees that there is something going on and has recommended a psychologist for us to take him to to help give us more tools to get through the day. We'll do that, but
I'd also love to know if this just seems like a typical 3 year old stuff, or if we need to be more concerned for his ability to get along in the world! Does anyone have any suggestions of things we should be doing that are different from our current strategies? Thanks so much!
My DS is 3.5, and we also have a DD who is almost 1. DS has always been a very intense person, and since about age 2 we have had a lot of really tough periods with him. He is very smart and verbal, and can be amazingly perceptive, loving, and fun to be around. He has amazing focus for things and can be very empathetic (especially with his sister). The problem is that much of the time he is very very difficult to get along with.
He has always been a kid who says "No!" to anything and everything as his immediate response. On days where he is really in that mood, everything is a huge struggle, even doing things that he likes and wants to do! For example, he will ask to go to the park, and we will say 'sure!' but then he will absolutely refuse to do the things that need to be done to make that happen (put on shoes, sunscreen, get in the carseat).
We try to make a game out of it. We give him simple instructions, not long lists of things (we just say 'sit down in front of me, please' for the shoes, or whatever). We help him where he needs help. But it can be *such* fight. Sometimes he'll run away midway through. Other times he'll sit on his feet. When that happens, we get up and tell him that when he is ready to go to the park, he can let us know and we will put his shoes on. Then we get up and go read the newspaper or do something else. The problem is that this can go on *forever* and it is not fair to anyone when we can't go out to do things we all enjoy.
He can be a very anxious kid, so we suspect sometimes things like this have to do with his anxiety about going out (I have anxiety disorder, so I understand the apprehension about going new places, but this happens for very familiar places that we go every day). So we try to have a clear schedule (I write it out and draw pictures for him of what we will do every day, with his input so we are making decisions together about how we spend our time--to a point at least!). I don't call attention to his anxiety but if he is acting like this I try to figure out if there is something that is worrying him. But it can be so frustrating because sometimes it seems like he's just doing it to be ornery! I would understand if this happened sometimes (he's 3, after all, I expect a power struggle now and then!) or for things he didn't enjoy as much (running errands) but it is for things he enjoys!
The other major issue is that he can get very wound up and even aggressive. Sometimes it is out of the blue (although I suspect it has to do with times he is overwhelmed or anxious) and other times it is when we set and enforce a limit. We never say "if you do x again, then y" without following through with y when he does x. We have been utterly consistent since day 1 about that. The problem is that if he is getting worked up, and I say, "DS, if you throw another toy (in a busy library play room) we will need to leave (or step outside to calm down, or play with different toys, or whatever)," and he throws again, I cannot physically get him out. He throws a fit, and he is a *big* kid. At that point he will hit, kick, and even scratch. He is unable to calm himself down when he has a big fit.
Some things really set him off, like he's obsessed with pulling out huge handfuls of grass and cannot stop himself when he's started. We cannot get him to stop without picking him up and taking him off the grass, but then he turns on us with hitting/kicking. Little things like that can get him into a real tizzy that is hard to get out of. Putting on sunscreen (which is a non-negotiable for us) can devolve into a battle of kicking, hitting, etc. (even when we let him put it on himself, or put it on us, or make a game out of it).
We believe in respecting him as a person and try so hard to understand where he is coming from. We try to keep lots of creative ideas so that we can encourage him in the right direction without ordering him around (and inviting a power struggle). It feels like we've tried everything (time outs--he would be in and out of time out for 3 straight hours if we let him because there was no way to make him stay put; time ins--this could make things worse because of the physical contact; making sure consequences are natural, etc.). But some days are *so* exhausting as everything is such a struggle, and we (especially me, as I am home with them most of the time) are running out of energy!
We are (and always have been) very careful to make sure he gets enough sleep, eats high-protein, low-starch meals/snacks every 2 hours. He watches no tv. We try to keep things low-key and model calm behavior and problem solving skills (although I admit I have yelled when I've gotten frustrated, although I am not proud of it). He's not as bad at preschool but is very tentative there (not argumentative like at home).
We have had him into the pediatrician, and she agrees that there is something going on and has recommended a psychologist for us to take him to to help give us more tools to get through the day. We'll do that, but
I'd also love to know if this just seems like a typical 3 year old stuff, or if we need to be more concerned for his ability to get along in the world! Does anyone have any suggestions of things we should be doing that are different from our current strategies? Thanks so much!
? I found it gave me a great deal of insight into how to cope with our situation.
I do not have any advice but I wanted to say you sound like such wonderful parents. My DD1 is an intense and often anxious kid so I can understand the need for schedule and consistency. I hope you get some great advice here.
)
