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How do I stop fighting with DSD? - Page 2

post #21 of 28
Good job.

On the subject of the mother using the child as a mediator... Can you and your husband both come up with a sensitive and unified response to any "messages" your dsd has? Maybe just stop her before she gets the whole sentence out and say "sweetie, that's not your job your mom and dad can take care of that". Have your DH drop a civilized email to the mom stating that this will be the response to any attempts at mediation by dsd and then repeat repeat repeat, with no anger, as needed. It sounds like your poor dsd is in a tough spot and could use sympathy and to be let off the hook for this adult job.
post #22 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
Hah. You should see my dd's hair it looks like it's swallowing her face when she does it. At 9 a girls hair is her own and I had quit making it an issue by 7 or 8. If my dd went to visit her dad and his girlfriend made a big controlling deal about her hair I would be pissed off but I wouldn't carry the battle through the kid. She can also be polite to you and I wouldn't rise to the bait anymore. All you need to do is pick a response and then use the same boring one for the next 9 years. ...like, different people have different rules or your mother is the boss at her house and we are the bosses here, or i'm sorry you feel that way but at our house we decide things. Don't vary the answer much and don't give an emotional response. it will stop upsetting you so much and believe me both sides go through similar things.
good post.
post #23 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post

We had quite an interesting conversation yesterday though, after DSD talked to her mom and her mom asked her to relay a custody-related message to DH. I told her not to worry about it, that her mom and dad would talk about it directly. She said "My mom said that I have to ask my dad because he always does the opposite of what she says."

Oh, lovely. SO hard not to rise to the bait. I just said that I don't think that's true. I really hate the constant, negative, my mom said this or that about you/your house/your car/ etc.

O
I wouldn't be mad at your DSD for this, because it sounds like her mom is using her to be a pain in your rear. It doesn't seem like DSD at age 9 wants to hurt you, but she's being fed these hurtful messages to pass on.

I would ignore, ignore, ignore, and don't blame DSD for the crap that's coming at you.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Deep breaths. And try to find positives about DSD, because this sounds like it's not about her, it's about the ex being mean and trying to make you miserable.
post #24 of 28
Thread Starter 
Oh, I don't think it's DSD's fault at all. I think it's an awful place for her to be in. I honestly can't believe that her mom would say stuff like that to her, I don't think she understands that it's stressful for DSD to hear that kind of thing. I mean, she seems like a great mom in general, but then I hear these awful comments and : wtf? I guess we all have our moments.

On the plus side, I'm walking DSD to and from daycamp every day so that gives us time to have little conversations about stuff like this. I know that DSD finds it upsetting that her dad and mom don't get along very well... so I think we need to talk a little bit about how sometimes people who used to love each other can find it hard to communicate with each other. And that we all love her and we're doing our best. blah blah etc etc.

And on the plus side, biomom and I have been emailing a bit back and forth. It's painfully pleasant, but I'm very happy about it. I wouldn't bring up any issues, that would be up to DH, but at least I can ask her about things like food allergies and what she should bring to our house, scheduling etc. Which is SO much better because otherwise it's like a game of telephone from me to DH to her and back.
post #25 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post

And on the plus side, biomom and I have been emailing a bit back and forth. It's painfully pleasant, but I'm very happy about it. I wouldn't bring up any issues, that would be up to DH, but at least I can ask her about things like food allergies and what she should bring to our house, scheduling etc. Which is SO much better because otherwise it's like a game of telephone from me to DH to her and back.
Be cautious with this. I was in this position for years, and it came back to bite me. What ended up happening is that all communication shut down between DH and the ex and issues were not being dealt with. Neither one wanted to talk to the other. It eventually blew up with all of us. Be sure your DH is still keeping clear communication with her.
post #26 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by ma_vie_en_rose View Post
Be cautious with this. I was in this position for years, and it came back to bite me. What ended up happening is that all communication shut down between DH and the ex and issues were not being dealt with. Neither one wanted to talk to the other. It eventually blew up with all of us. Be sure your DH is still keeping clear communication with her.
We email too, and it's so much nicer than nagging DH to ask the questions and such and then nagging him to find out what the answer was. But I know what you mean -- we do have to be careful of this, as DH is all too happy to forget she exists and let me deal with her. Usually it's an improvement for us, but to make sure it doesn't go too far the other way, I do make sure to hand him the phone when she calls (if it's not for the kids at the appointed kid-call time) and if anything big comes up, I bug him to deal with it (or sometimes I just figure he can remember or forget on his own and I don't do a thing). It's a fine line, but so far we're ok.
post #27 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post

On the plus side, I'm walking DSD to and from daycamp every day so that gives us time to have little conversations about stuff like this. I know that DSD finds it upsetting that her dad and mom don't get along very well... so I think we need to talk a little bit about how sometimes people who used to love each other can find it hard to communicate with each other. And that we all love her and we're doing our best. blah blah etc etc.
I don't know if it's useful to have a lot of talks with DSD about this since it is stressful already, if anything if your goal is to ease the pressure on her, that's great. I hope you're also able to have conversations that are just about fun things and what she thinks about various stuff, like her activities and interests and friends, etc.

Anyway, I'm just interested in your thread, and passing through. Have a good summer!
post #28 of 28
Quote:
We email too, and it's so much nicer than nagging DH to ask the questions and such and then nagging him to find out what the answer was. But I know what you mean -- we do have to be careful of this, as DH is all too happy to forget she exists and let me deal with her.
I'm a stepmom to my DH's kids and a biomom to kids who have a stepmom too. I regularly email with my kids stepmom and while it sometimes nags at me that I'm blatently letting XH off the hook by doing so, it's logistically so much simpler because XH is such a scatter-brain. It works well for the three of us and most importantly, the kids' needs get met much more efficiently. There's also the pleasant fact that I really LIKE my daughters' stepmom, which makes things much easier.

Now, on the other side, my step-kids' biomom would never, in a million years, have an email conversation with me. Most of the time she behaves as if I don't exist. I recently emailed her pictures of a show her daughter was in because she wasn't able to leave work to attend. Nothing contentious - just "Here are some pics of [DSD's] show. She did great!" The next thing I know, the phone is ringing and she's on the phone, yelling at DH for allowing me to contact her.

Oh well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. It's crazy how I can have such a good relationship with one woman and such a crappy one with the other.
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