Having doubts about our school - thinking of leaving

[gottaknit]

I was so excited to send DS to Montessori school (he is 3.5yrs, and just started in January), but I'm starting to think it's not a good fit for us, and that we shouldn't send him back in September.

I'll try to sum up my complaints coherently, but really I'm just thinking out loud and looking for feedback. I'm not trying to bash Montessori schools in general or anything.

1. DS was a sweet, shy, timid, little boy (some might call him a "mama's boy") and now he's..... well, bratty. At first I thought it was great that he was coming out of his shell, but it's gone too far. He is bossy, rude, demanding, and calls everyone names! He complains that things are "boring" or "stupid", and I'm fairly certain he doesn't even know what these words mean. He's just mimicking older kids. Don't even get me started on the "potty talk". I thought this stuff didn't start until they were 7 or 8?!

2. Our guide is a really nice guy, I like him a lot as a person, but this was his first year "teaching" and he seemed completely overwhelmed. The classroom is chaos. Most of the kids appear to just be wandering around aimlessly, chasing each other, playing under tables, goofing off.... Not at all what I expected. Every day I ask DS if he had a lesson today, and 9 times out of 10 he says no. Could that really be? There's also a fair amount of bullying going on in the classroom, and the guide seems oblivious to it.

3. There's a lack of feedback or communication of any kind between the parents and administration/guides. We had one 15 minute "conference" in April, but otherwise we have no idea what is going on in the classroom. DS has come home with minor injuries and no one has bothered to explain what happened - not even a note in our mailbox in the lobby. Once he had a large cut on his hand and said another kid "ran into him with scissors" when they were running around!

4. When kids get in trouble ("lose control of their emotions" etc.), they get sent to the director's office to sit on a chair and do nothing. They say it's not a "timeout", but come on, it's timeout. Often they call the parents to pick up a kid and take him home if he gets in a scuffle with another kid. (By "scuffle" I mean one 3 year old hitting/shoving/scratching another 3 year old.) It seems like these kinds of things should be worked out at the school, talked out, with the guide as moderator. ?

5. My son doesn't like going. He cried every morning the first three weeks. Now that it is summer vacation he says he never wants to go back, even though he's made some great friends. I asked our guide what I should do when he doesn't want to go to school. He said I have to make him go. Never let him stay home unless he is sick. He said his daughter complains every day, but he makes her go anyway, because she can't just NOT go. It's been 3 years and she's still complaining/crying every morning.

To me this just seems disrespectful of the child, and contrary to my commitment to attachment parenting. It's not like he has to go somewhere, I'm a SAHM. So why am I making him go??

6. It is costing a small fortune. Everyone was in an uproar a couple of months ago when our state university raised tuition again. But guess what? It's still cheaper than 3 hours a day of Montessori!! Maybe this money could be spent elsewhere.... like a family vacation once a year?

Talk to me. Would we be better off doing some kind of home-Montessori until he starts kindergarten or first grade? The plan is to send him to public school then, anyway. (The PS is one block away, and has an excellent Spanish immersion program.) I'm regretting this whole experience and feel like we've lost our sweet little boy forever.

[daytripper75]

It sounds to me like your decision has been made already. I don't think that taking him out of Montessori is a bad idea, in fact it sounds like your school just isn't right for your son and your family.
If he cries daily and isn't looking forward to returning, "listen to the child." You're right that there is no real need for him to be in school. It isn't wrong to want a preschool experience for him, even if you're home and available. Preschool can be a wonderful thing. There is still time to find a new situation for him if you want him to have preschool this year. It might take some searching but I know there are some great home-based schools out there that don't require as much of a time or finanacial commitment.


Just keep reminding yourself that nothing needs to be set in stone about this. If you don't enroll him in his old school again this year, you can either find another school or spend time doing Montessori at home. The main objective here is growing a happy, healthy little person and fostering a lifelong love of learning.

Let us know what you decide!

[BCFD]

Montessori or not it doesn't sound very organized. I agree with Daytripper.

When we were looking at Mont schools for DD, I saw a school that sounds like your son's. It was crazy chaotic and the guides in the room were as far away from Montessori as you could find. Kids would drop things, make a mess, and the "guides" (and I use that term loosely) would clean it up instead of asking the child to pick up after themselves. There were very young guides (no offense to any 20 somethings here) and you could tell that they really were only there for a job. The kids looked miserable. I drive past that school every day on the way to DD's school and I honestly shake my head every morning when I drive past their driveway. I just wonder why any parent would think that school is ok for their child. It gives REAL Montessori schools a bad name. :

My 3.5 year old tells me every day how much she loves her school, so if your 3.5 year old is telling you that he doesn't want to go back, you should definitely listen to that. It sounds like you already have a really great understanding of their operations and they don't sound very Montessori anyway. Taking them to the director's office for a time out sounds very strange to me. DD's school will do that only if a child is being completely disruptive (and it takes a lot to get to that point).

[Rose-Roget]

One of the reasons we sought a different environment for ds this year was because he was unhappy about going every day last year. Once he was there, he was fine, but he generally had bad feelings in the mornings and cried and tantrumed regularly about it, so I thought it was time to look into other settings. I agree with pp's that it does sound disorganized. When I was observing at the M we'll send ds to this year, as soon as a student wasn't engaging with the work they had, they were encouraged (or helped) to get a new one. There was no opportunity to get wild and off-task inside (and her personality was such that I am comfortable that this wasn't just for "show" because I was around).

I do have to say, though, that I'm afraid some of that "brattiness" IS present at this age - whether kids are in multi-age classrooms or not. Many 3 year olds have older siblings they pick it up from, and a lot of people aren't as diligent about teaching and enforcing use of kind language and empathy.

Also, the directress at the Montessori ds will be attending in the fall has written up a lot of information to guide parents at home. One specific thing she says is that young children often have a hard time "reporting" about things that they learned in school, so she encourages parents not to ask "what did you do today?" or "what did you learn?" type questions. She says instead that often you'll hear it come out spontaneously. While some other things she wrote home about seemed a little bossy and directive, I really appreciated this one, and I have seen it to be true in my ds's brief-to-date Montessori experience, and his previous traditional preschool experience.

I don't know what your community is like, but try not to let this negative experience taint your view of Montessori in general. It sounds like the room is just not run very well (even if the guide is a nice person). If there is another M in the area, and you like other aspects of the philosophy, maybe check it out and ask questions about some of your specific areas of concern and see if he can try it out for a little while. Even if you decide that staying at home with you is best, maybe it would leave you with a more positive impression. (Just my little plug for Montessori - from what I know so far...which isn't much.)

[KBecks]

I'm sorry your school is not working out. It's incredibly disappointing.

I would look into other non Montessori preschools to see if there is something that may be acceptable, if you want a preschool experience.

Given your situation, I would leave the school, no doubts. I prefer M schools but it sounds like your school is poorly run and not accomplishing what it should. If our M school does not work out (I expect it to be fantastic), there is another preschool that was our runner up that I would seriously consider as an alternate. I also have the contact info for another M school but have not visited.

Leave the school, your son is not getting what he needs and you are not getting what you paid for. I hope you find something else that is better for you and your son.

[nkm1968]

I would totally leave that school, unless they have a classroom with an awesome director/directress who has a clue. Just my opinion, not a fact.

But I would NOT use this bad Montessori experience as my total overall impression of Montessori-- I'd just recommend, as I have before (umm and been criticized for posting) that you observe, observe, observe before putting your kid into any classroom, Montessori or not. Three to 10 hours per day is so long in the life of a little kid, considering 80% of brain development (plus who knows how much empathy or conscience development) is finished by age 5. If you observe a class, whether eclectic, Montessori, Waldorf, Reggio, experiential, or just "regular", and you wonder, "Huh, this doesn't seem a good fit for me, or partner, or child" that is a red flag. A flag to look elsewhere. I love Montessori, but I have definitely observed many classrooms where I would NOT EVER put one of my children. Not because of Montessori, but because of that classroom.

Again, my opinion, not fact, no need to respond if responding to me personally rather than the observation.

[Flor]

A chaotic classroom is bad. Montessori or not, it doesn't sound like it is working out. Are their options for a different teacher? I also complain that there is no communication with parents, so I just observe frequently and put myself in there. It isn't really offered other than at parent conferences. Some of that brattiness does happen at that age. Ds also began to mimic other children, but I talked to the teacher about it and gave him very specific things that ds had told me. He was shocked and had talks, individually and in groups, with the children about kindness and it seemed to really help. It is the kind of thing a teacher works on, but he can focus on it more when he knows there is an issue. While I love Montessori in theory, I think I wouldn't send my child back to that school either.

[GuildJenn]

My thoughts are:

#1 may just be the age, so I would not put this one on the school - sure kids pick some of it up from each other, but it is a normal thing at 3.5 (Check out the Ames series book "Your Three Year Old" for some words on 3 yr olds).

I wanted to bring this up especially because of your statement that you have "lost your sweet boy forever." Three and a half is a critical time for a child to rebel against his or her mother, and I wouldn't want you to think that the decision to send him to Montessori for a few days a week is what has produced the change.

#2 Dealbreaker for me

#3 Dealbreaker if you have brought it up and it hasn't improved. It does go both ways.

#4 Dealbreaker

#5 Again this may be an age and stage thing - a lot of kids at 3.5 resist parts of their routine. (But not all do.) But you know your child, so you probably know whether this is part of a larger pattern or just related to the school.

#6 Family decision

If it were me, I would not return my son to a school that I described as chaotic.

[Koloe]

I agree with pp - I would probably not send my child back to that specific school either.

[gottaknit]

Thank you for your replies. The school is AMI, so.... it seems like it should be "real Montessori". *sigh* I never got to observe until after he started school. It should have tipped me off from the beginning; we made an appointment for a tour/interview/observation before moving here, but when we arrived at the school, they had somehow double-booked our appointment with another family. We ended up talking to another employee (who has since left), not the director, and only DH got to observe because they only allow one adult in the classroom at a time, and there wasn't time for all of us to get a chance to observe. I realize now that not observing was a big mistake.

There are two other classrooms for DS's age group, with more experienced guides. I don't hear any complaints about those rooms. But, it says right on our contract that room changes are basically not an option. The other two rooms are full, anyway.

I like our guide, but he seems to have bought in so heavily to some of the Montessori teachings that he has lost touch with reality. One day he mentioned to a group of us parents picking up our children that, "they aren't capable of lying at this age". And he meant it. Um, yeah. We all had to try hard to keep straight faces.

The guide is so earnest and calm, but he almost seems too nice to handle that many kids at once. He's a pushover, so then DS comes home and thinks he can act like the big kids at school and we'll just roll over and take it.

When he plays with his old friends who don't go to Montessori, he bosses them around and tells them they aren't doing things "the right way" or using the toys correctly. He won't let them play with most of his stuff and says "it's not available". He's become a control freak and melts down when they don't want to go along with it. Maybe it's just the age and he'll grow out of it. But I have seen the older kids acting this way in his class and no one corrects them. It's just not how I expected the kids would teach each other, you know? There's all this talk about social graces and respect, but the kids aren't reflecting it at all.

[Zadee]

I wouldn't send him back. That has not been my (AMI) Montessori experience at all. I'm sorry it's been yours.

[MattBronsil]

Originally Posted by gottaknit

1. DS was a sweet, shy, timid, little boy (some might call him a "mama's boy") and now he's..... well, bratty.

I've read so much that this usually happens in 1/2 year cycles for a while. Great six months, pain in the !@#*( the next 6 months. And on and on. I'd love to know how that cycle lines up with Christmas time. :-)

2. Our guide is a really nice guy, I like him a lot as a person, but this was his first year "teaching" and he seemed completely overwhelmed. The classroom is chaos.

A lot of what you said is an experience thing. No amount of training can prepare you for being thrown into the trenches.

I think you have to follow your gut. If it seems like the school year just hasn't gotten better, you'll have to weigh your options and think of what chance there is that it will get better.

Sorry this year wasn't ideal.

Matt

[boatbaby]

Originally Posted by gottaknit

1. DS was a sweet, shy, timid, little boy (some might call him a "mama's boy") and now he's..... well, bratty. At first I thought it was great that he was coming out of his shell, but it's gone too far. He is bossy, rude, demanding, and calls everyone names! He complains that things are "boring" or "stupid", and I'm fairly certain he doesn't even know what these words mean. He's just mimicking older kids. Don't even get me started on the "potty talk". I thought this stuff didn't start until they were 7 or 8?!



(The PS is one block away, and has an excellent Spanish immersion program.) I'm regretting this whole experience and feel like we've lost our sweet little boy forever.

I had the same thing happen in Montessori with my DS. Sweet, shy, empathetic and he came home each day wavering between mimicking the terrible/ sassy/ rude things the older kids did or crying because he was not wanting to go to school and scared of said kids.

I like the mixed age idea in theory, it seems like when it works well, it would be ideal. But for us it DID NOT WORK. It was terrible. There are other factors at play , but the long and short of it is we're going to a Reggio Emilia school this fall, small class (6 kids) single age. I think it will work better for us.

If I had a Spanish immersion class I would JUMP at it!

Best of luck!