Reward Chart?

[Purple Cat]

I recently started a "reward chart." My daughter had quickly mastered peeing in the potty, but categorically refused to poop in the potty. I sensed she felt uncomfortable or afraid doing so, but could't get her to try it.

I bought loads of cool mini-pens, gel pens, twistable crayons, animal scissors, mini-notebooks, scented paints, etc. as rewards as well as a ladybug hairbrush and comb. I told her that if she went poop on the potty 3 times she could have the coveted ladybug brush and comb. I also let her pick one of the pens, etc., so she has an immediate reward.

Success was instantaneous. Nearly a week later, she has only had one semi-"accident," pooping once in her nighttime diaper.

I've started using the instant rewards and stars to earn the larger rewards for helping with clean up, which I hadn't really worked with them on.

I try to make it so they can be "successful." I have twins. If my girl is being very cooperative and my son refuses to help with clean up and thus stands not to get a prize, I may let him do an additional task to have the opportunity to be successful.

Thoughts? I'm a single mom. My greatest stressor, I think, is our house getting turned upside down faster than I can clean it. I want to teach them responsibility.

[mamaduck]

I have not used rewards much with my kids, except with potty training which I think is a whole catagory unto its own. My preference would be that they learn positive behaviors because they see the intrinsic value in them, and I see a risk of them missing the bigger picture if they start working toward arbitrary rewards instead. That said, I can see some value in the tool for changing very specific behaviors, if it is kept simple and used short term. Particularly when it is used where there are special needs or extenuating circumstances -- and I think the challenge of twins would qualify! I think the way you are using it is okay -- one specific goal at a time -- short term. I can see that it might help to create a positive tone in your household. The sticker chart sounds like its kind of a fun way for the kids to set goals and meet challenges.

[AaronsMommy]

I'm not a gentle discipline expert, but before I decided to stay home with my son, I was an early childhood teacher who specialized in behavior management and I believe very heavily in rewards. However, I do think it is important not to train to children to "do something - get something." Once the little ones buy into the tangible rewards, you may want to try and switch to more intangible rewards for things they enjoy like a "free pass to not clean up after dinner" or a trip to get ice cream or computer time or whatever makes sense in your family. As they get older, I would also phase out instant rewards in exchange for having them work for things and they can help keep track of their progress. You can also have them set goals and reward them for achieving their own goals rather than yours. For instance, they can decide how long they want it to take to clean the kitchen after dinner, time themselves, graph it and then try to beat their own record the next night.

As far as responsibilities around the house, letting them choose their own tasks will go a long way. If you pick 5 things that absolutely have to get done and you let them each pick one and assign the other three to you, they will be much more likely to be invested in it. And, if you can be REALLY clear about what it means to have accomplished the task, i.e. lay out exactly what clean the kitchen means (wash dishes, sweep floors, wash counters) they will be more likely to achieve it to a level you are happy with. After all, it won't relieve your stress if they "help" and then you have to come behind them and finish or re-do it after they go to sleep

Sorry if that is lots more info than you wanted. So many people poo-poo reward systems without giving them a fair shot and I really believe they can work, so I get excited. Best of luck and congrats on your potting training

[boheime]

It wouldn't be something I would be comfortable with. We do not use punishments or rewards. We feel behavior management is very manipulative. We'd rather work with our children to find solutions which work for everyone.

[ZoshaMosha]

I have not had success with reward charts. I tried one once to influence my dd to go sleep at night without drama. It worked like a charm while she was earning her prize, but as soon as she got it, she was back to her old ways.

[Purple Cat]

Wow!!! Thank you for the great feedback. I appreciate the suggestions and believe I will incorporate many of them. I, too, am skittish of getting too much into a mindset of "we only do something if we get something." I'm now quietly dropping back on my daughter's instant rewards every time she poops in the potty, esp. with multiple daily occurrences!!!!. She seems to have mastered that and isn't protesting receiving verbal praise instead of instant rewards for that.

I really appreciate the suggestion of letting them pick their own tasks. That probably would be more successful and less stressful.

Boheime, thank you for sharing your viewpoint, too. I respect and envy the principal of not rewarding and not punishing. Would you mind sharing how you handle behavioral management issues, like cleaning up? I'd love to learn and hear more. How do you handle hitting, shoving, etc. ? I do timeouts for those "big, bad" offenses. e.g. ("You need to quiet yourself for biting."), but am curious how you have managed those without punishment.

[soybeansmama]

I just wanted to chime in here and say that we aren't big punishers/rewarders, BUT for potty learning a sticker chart worked. We allowed him to pick a sticker and stand on a chair to put it on the chart on his bedroom wall. It just made the process more positive and enjoyable for him...

[Hoopin' Mama]

Originally Posted by Purple Cat

Boheime, thank you for sharing your viewpoint, too. I respect and envy the principal of not rewarding and not punishing. Would you mind sharing how you handle behavioral management issues, like cleaning up? I'd love to learn and hear more. How do you handle hitting, shoving, etc. ? I do timeouts for those "big, bad" offenses. e.g. ("You need to quiet yourself for biting."), but am curious how you have managed those without punishment.

I know you aren't addressing me, but thought I'd share:
If I am on the 3rd time of asking ds to clean up, I calmly explain that he can clean up or I can do it, and if I clean it up the toys will be put up for a while. Then I ask him which would he prefer.

I also use the idea for big messes which I think I got on MDC - throw a hoola hoop across the mess and make a game of cleaning up what is inside the hoop.

I am trying to be more playful but I am home alone with ds until 9pm and sometimes I'm just not feeling so playful.

[mummy marja]

We tend to not use rewards and punishments--although we just recently did the reward thing for encouraging highly sensitive to new things DS to use the toilet! But not something we want to do on a regular basis. I'm not interested in managing their behaviour.

About cleaning up--I used to make them clean up. It wasn't fun, it was a huge battle sometimes. We did time-outs, we did rewards, we did, "I'll clean up but the toys will be put away." It did make DD clean up sometimes, but she was learning to clean up so that she could keep her toys, not so that we could enjoy a tidy room. I asked myself--who is the one that NEEDS the clean room? It's me. The kids are happy, fulfilled, completely at peace with their things strewn about! So that changed my outlook on tidiness a bit. And when I clean up after them I'm really doing it for ME! The best part is that eventually DD learned to enjoy having a tidy room, and she would say to me, "Can we clean my room today? I want to be able to find my toys!" or say, "Let's clean up the livingroom because I know Daddy likes it clean." Now, when she tidies up, it's for these reasons: To find stuff, to organize stuff, and to make Daddy happy!

Another way to keep the mess down was to put all the groups of toys in their own bin. The kids can't open the bins on their own, so it gives me a little bit of control. I'll say, ok, I'll open the bin but let's clean up this bin first. I'll start doing it and usually they join in.

It's not always as smooth and happy as this sounds--sometimes the mess gets out of control and I'm not always absolutely thrilled to tidy it. But we are generally much, much happier together than we were before when we were fighting this all the time.

[boheime]

I break things down in to why the behavior is occurring, what really is important, and how can we work together to make certain everyone's needs are met.

As far as picking up goes, the biggest way for me to get the kids to help is to use the word "let's." Let's pick up the toys. I also explain why we pick up toys. Let's pick up the toys so no one trips over them. Let's pick up the toys so the baby doesn't choke on them. I don't make it a struggle. I don't expect them to do it all without adult help. They do it on their own sometimes, but they are still young. If they see that I help, they understand that we help each other in our family and are willing to help when someone else needs assistance.

As far as hurting each other, it really isn't an issue. We treat each other respectfully and for the most part, the kids get along really well. Now, that isn't to say they never argue or accidentally hurt one another. They are young. They get tired, hungry cranky, etc. They are still learning how to handle stuff. When something happens, I help the person who is hurt. I point out to the other one that someone is hurt. We talk about the situation (or not depending on what everyone needs). If there are arguments going on taht the kids don't seem to be able to handle, I step in to help. We listen to everyone's side. We figure out what the real reasoning behind things is, and we brainstorm to see if we can find a good solution. As they get older, there is less and less of a need for me to help them.

There is always a reason for behavior. I ask myself why a behavior is occurring. What need is not being met? What is happening to cause that behavior? How can I help my child so that his/her need is met and so that everyone's needs are met?