Dads that play by themselves

[CO Dad]

Note: Cross Posted from Natural Family Living: Personal Growth

Hello all,
I am new to this board, but feel that I might gain some insight on what I am experiencing in my life.

DS is 1.5yo and and still bf. My DW and myself are/were very active in outdoor pursuits before ds. Now that he is a little older, I have started to go out and to do more recreation pursuits. My DW on the other hand does not express an interest in doing these things. Conflict arises when I come home from a day of play and she has had ds. I have tried to convince her that she should let me know when she needs to get out and play. I would be happy to have ds for a day, morning or afternoon so she can get out and do something fun. She believes that I am the only husband out there that takes time away from my family to go do these types of activities.

I do not travel for work and work out of the house except when I am on a job site. She is also a teacher / tutor that has Summers off and works tutoring out of the house.

Am I the only father that recreates by himself on the weekend? What are the views and perspectives of other mothers?

I will / would include the family in on activities that are safe for everybody. I just happen to enjoy some activities that are slightly more dangerous (ie: rafting whitewater in the summer and snowmobiling in the winter).

Thanks for any and all advice.

[siamesepurr771]

Sounds like the issue isn't about taking time off to do fun activities, but is more about taking time off at all. Instead of "offering" to take care of the kiddo while your wife goes out, you should just sign yourself up for all-day activities with your son. I.e. pool in the morning, naptime, then a community event. Tell her you *want* to do that, and that will give her an opportunity to get out.

Does she pump and does he take a bottle? My wife didn't do much pumping and was scared of "nipple conufusion" with a bottle, which essentially killed her ability to get away. At 1.5, there's no more chance of nipple confusion so make sure you can handle the kiddo all day.

[maxwill129]

I think that if you're going out every single weekend she has a right to be mad. I get furious when weekend after weekend my DH has something planned for himself that does not include the family. If you can find a balance between having some time to yourself and then doing family activites I don't think there should be an issue.

I DO NOT believe that it is healthy for any parent to be with their child 24/7 and never get a break. Your child is a year and a half, though, so she's right to keep a secure attatchment. However, it might do her good to have a little "me" time. I say that because after believing I HAD to be with my children constantly, I drove myself into a deep depression because I never had time to myself. I have a 5, 3, and 1 year old. I now make it a priority to take time for myself once a week, even if it's only for one hour and during that one hour I take a long bath or lock myself away and read a book. Because I do that I feel like my marriage is better and my parenting is better!

[angela&avery]

well i think its ok to go and do these things, but while your dw wants to stay attached to your ds, she probably doesnt enjoy feeling left out of YOUR life when you are away, and kind of 'stuck' home with ds. I think that on occasion its fine, but in between you should be doing things with your dw and ds as a family... he is, after all, your ds too.. things change when you get married and have kids, and unfortunately getting away to play isnt as easy bc your family feels left out if its all the time.

One way my dh and I get time away is that we both have one night a week that we go out, hang out with friends, go to a movie, dinner, shopping with friends..... he has tues and I have thurs. my friends know im always available on thurs nights and we spend our weekends altogether as a family.

One weekend a year I go scrapbooking and one full saturday two or three times a year i go scrapbooking. Occasionally ( 3 x a y ear maybe) dh will go to big movie coming out that i dont care to see with one of his friends, or a few times a year they go kayaking for an afternoon, but we are talking maybe 3 times a year.

[Rio Mama]

If you're a hardcore whitewater rafter, I strongly suggest finding a class I river with one or two class II rapids nearby & take your family with you. Cut back on the class V somewhat and teach that child to boat! That's my strategy, anyway, but I'm a mom (& former whitewater guide) whose second child boated for the first time at 11 months and whose first child knows it's time to find his PFD whenever he sees Mom in swim trunks...

Seriously, as one half of the parenting partnership, I've found it's really important to find a way to merge our passions. Happily, my husband is an avid photographer who only requires decent scenery (which my outdoor passions provide). I don't know what floats your wife's boat, but if I were you, I'd figure out how your interests complement each other & try to get some joint satisfaction that way. Of course, you'll likely always need some time just for yourself (& your class V or whatever), but there are ways to not always have it just be about you, but ways you can make it accessible to her & the kiddo, too.

[Marsupialmom]

I think the lady's have some good advice. Scale back what you are doing and make it family.

Also maybe schedule something for just you and your son. I don't know if at that age, with child nursing, I would do it all day but maybe a 4-6 hour trek/outing to a local pool, park, et could be fun for you and him. Then free up your wife.

[Danielle283]

My husband goes out about once a month with some buddies and goes 4 wheeling/mudding in his truck. Not my idea of a fun time, so DD and I don't go. I have no problem with him going, but it makes me feel even better about it when we do something the next day that is family oriented. Honestly I dont want my own time off to go play by myself, I want us all to go play. Plan a day of things that your wife and child can do too that feels like you all are getitng out and having fun.

[Pinoikoi]

It is healthy for all adults to have some "me time." I think you need to talk to your dw about her health and that she needs some "me time." I would schedule her activities for twice a month or so, and schedule my own for the same.

If you are doing more than twice a month (really once every two weeks??) then you might be creating unnecessary conflict. It is just as important though that your dw learns to take some time for herself.

My dh and I LIVE off of our calendar. I schedule what I want, he schedules what he wants, we also schedule our family activities. We have a large family so it helps us make sure we are not making scheduling conflicts.

[chirp]

i agree with pp's who say that you should be proactive in scheduling either alone time with you and your baby or family time...whichever your wife would prefer. but you have to do it...if only to prove to her that your willing. then maybe she'll start scheduling things on her own every once in a while.

it sounds like her issues might be one of thinking that you don't care enough about your family to do things with the baby, or as a family. i know i fall into that trap sometimes when dh goes out to play. but i don't want a cranky husband so i keep things in perspective. i know that when he comes home he will most likely give me a break from the kid-o. this way he doesn't have a cranky wife.

(i'm like someone else on this board who said they don't really want alone time...mostly i would just like some time to get a shower and brush my teeth...after that i want us to do things together.)

[PGTlatte]

I am a mother of two young boys and I'll share my perspective with you. I don't think it's wrong for you to go do some things once in a while that just don't work as family activities. I encourage my DH to spend some time like that because I know he needs it. Now here is the complicated part: I am a SAHM. I am literally with our kids 24/7. I will be homeschooling them so there is no future of "time off" for me to look forward to. The truth is, I desperately need some time for myself to do some things I want to do that don't work well as family activities. However.....it's not as simple as asking DH to take them for a half day or a day or whatever. Because it just doesn't work. I don't mean that as anything against him....I'm just accepting the situation for what it is.....it does not work for them to be away from me for hours. They do not do well with it. And the combination of them not being happy (which makes them much harder to deal with) and him not being accustomed to caring for both of them by himself for long periods of time and not handling the stress well....YUCK !!!!!! To quote a friend of mine, I cannot go out and do something by myself without coming home to very unhappy people and a huge pile of emotional shit. Whatever I wanted to do, it's not worth it. And knowing in advance what will happen, and what is happening while I am out, I cannot enjoy any activities on my own. Any enjoyment I might have had is spoiled by knowing what's happening with my family and feeling time pressure to get back home and the mess I'm going to have to mop up later (not physical mess - don't care about that - the mental mess).

So.....it's true it doesn't feel fair for him to go have a day of whatever when I cannot get that sort of time off in exchange. But I still want him to do it. And I do still want some time in exchange....just not in the way he understands it. I don't want to be away from them all for hours and hours...that doesn't work and it's not what I want. What I would really enjoy is to be allowed to be in charge of what I want to do....anything I want to do !!!....for a half day....and I want him to support me in whatever way I want him to help out so that I can do what I want to do. Like letting me decide where I want to go and then coming along and entertaining the kids while I make a series of short stops into places....bringing them in when it works out, or taking them through a different store or looking at the fountain....whatever....just PLEASE help me go out and do the things I want so badly to go do but are so hard to do when I have to drag the kids around by myself.....it would help so much just to have him be willing to let me be in charge and just be my assistant with the kids for a few hours. He has a habit of always wanting to take over and be in charge. Even when he's trying to give me a break, he does it by taking over the kids in a bossy way and telling me to go do xyz, whether I had planned for it or feel like it or not. It would mean so much more if he would just say "I will do whatever you want me to do, and help you however you want me to help" and not put a time limit on it, and not be annoyed by the things I want do go do. Just give me control for a few hours and then HELP me however I want to be helped. I would LOVE that.

[Degas]

Originally Posted by llp34

So.....it's true it doesn't feel fair for him to go have a day of whatever when I cannot get that sort of time off in exchange. But I still want him to do it. And I do still want some time in exchange....just not in the way he understands it. I don't want to be away from them all for hours and hours...that doesn't work and it's not what I want. What I would really enjoy is to be allowed to be in charge of what I want to do....anything I want to do !!!....for a half day....and I want him to support me in whatever way I want him to help out so that I can do what I want to do. Like letting me decide where I want to go and then coming along and entertaining the kids while I make a series of short stops into places....bringing them in when it works out, or taking them through a different store or looking at the fountain....whatever....just PLEASE help me go out and do the things I want so badly to go do but are so hard to do when I have to drag the kids around by myself.....it would help so much just to have him be willing to let me be in charge and just be my assistant with the kids for a few hours. He has a habit of always wanting to take over and be in charge. Even when he's trying to give me a break, he does it by taking over the kids in a bossy way and telling me to go do xyz, whether I had planned for it or feel like it or not. It would mean so much more if he would just say "I will do whatever you want me to do, and help you however you want me to help" and not put a time limit on it, and not be annoyed by the things I want do go do. Just give me control for a few hours and then HELP me however I want to be helped. I would LOVE that.

:

Absolutely! My dh and dd are pretty good together now, and I don't come home to an emotional mess most of the time anymore. He actually spends a lot of time with just her and him (since he takes her to school and used to pick her up) . But I still second the above. Sometimes I don't want time by myself, I just want him to help me out in a way that I need him helping me out, without him trying to take over or being annoyed at what I want to do. Sometimes I want to have a family outing of my choice without him being put out at my choice.

I don't mind dh taking an hour or two to go do something, but an all day or several hour outing on a regular basis would bother me. I would feel abandoned and resentful that I wasn't able to do the same. Maybe you can limit the all day or several hour outing to a couple times a year, and the rest can be short times or family outings. And if she doesn't want to trade off with an hour or two outing of her own, you can do what is suggested above (where you handle ALL baby needs - other than bf and anything else SHE says she wants to do). Also, she may not be ready to leave him for long periods or he may not be ready for her to, especially if he is still bf - sometimes pumping can take up a lot more time then just bf (so she might not be able to enjoy and relax an outing while having to pump, having sore breasts, and worrying about ds).

Also, I've noticed this about my dh, when she says no that she doesn't want you to help or doesn't want time by herself, don't take that no to mean no for the next couple weeks or months or years, she probably means no for just right then. Ask her. Because I've found when I say no, not right then, he thinks I mean no, never. I don't. I want you to ask me again. And even if she says no for the next couple months, ask her again after a few weeks and make sure she hasn't changed her mind. She might not want to ask you for some reason.

Good Luck.

[LizD]

Originally Posted by hippiekaren

I don't mind dh taking an hour or two to go do something, but an all day or several hour outing on a regular basis would bother me. I would feel abandoned and resentful that I wasn't able to do the same. Maybe you can limit the all day or several hour outing to a couple times a year, and the rest can be short times or family outings.

An hour or two is a trip to the grocery store. This seems unreasonable to me- that anyone should not have control over their time for "several hours on a regular basis." And he's offered that to his partner. If our schedules were more regular (dh freelances, has no regular schedule, and travels), I would be delighted for him to go climbing/rafting/out with friends/whatever every Saturday, written-in-stone. I'd assume if something else came up he could go without, but I think it's very healthy to have a day away. Mothers especially can get very mired in being home and indispensible- and before I get flamed, I can say I am guilty of this myself- and refuse offers to go out alone, etc.

The OP also makes clear he mostly works from home and does not travel- I mean, once a week does not seem unreasonable under those circumstances!

Suggestions: make time to go out alone together, without your child. Take your child on a Daddy-and-me errand on a regular basis- start it off as "Sundays mom sleeps in" and then maybe she can start getting together with friends or going out herself on those days. This is good for your kid, too, obviously. And, if possible, do some outdoorsy things as a family sometimes, unless your wife really can't stand that sort of thing anymore. If you just make the plans and include your child, and she can come or not, she'll probably join in and hopefully loosen up. She might be stuck and depressed and not even realize it. It can be really hard to get out of a rut like that, but you needn't climb down into it yourself.

You are far from the only husband who does this sort of thing- I feel bad that my husband doesn't get *enough* alone time for recreation! I feel bad he doesn't get enough time alone in his own house, because I'm a student so I'm always here!

As far as families in which it "doesn't work" for kids to be "left" with dad- nip that in the bud. I wish I had, the second time- through circumstances of life and work it was much more difficult to leave the little one, he became much more attached (like, not in a good way), and had trouble bonding with his dad, or staying with him. Even if the kids have a hard time for the first few occasions, it's their *father.* What is going to happen that's so terrible? Have confidence Dad can do every bit as good a job (and better!), clear off, and let them work it out. Parents owe it to each other to make sure the child has an equally secure and happy relationship with *both* parents.

[BAU3]

...Get yourself a guides license, then you're not out recreating, your making money for the family.

It sounds to me like your dw doesn't really feel much like recreating at this point. But maybe she feels a little resentful that you do.

I know i feel that way sometimes.

After 10 years of having babies and being totally immeresed in mothering, I'm just starting to desire going out and doing my own thing...

[funkygranolamama]

Originally Posted by siamesepurr771

Sounds like the issue isn't about taking time off to do fun activities, but is more about taking time off at all. Instead of "offering" to take care of the kiddo while your wife goes out, you should just sign yourself up for all-day activities with your son. I.e. pool in the morning, naptime, then a community event. Tell her you *want* to do that, and that will give her an opportunity to get out.

get out, OR STAY IN ALONE. alot of times i'm so tired that if my dh would offer to take the kids out of the house for awhile it would be way more appreciated than a night out. to be able to knit, read, clean, sleep, wow, the possibilities!

[ecoteat]

You say you are happy to take the kid for a chunk of time so your DW can get some time for herself. And you probably tell her that. But if she's anything like me when DD was that age and I had times of feeling overwhelmed about not having time to myself (even though *I'm* the one that WOH--part time--in our family!), I would have to get to the point of feeling really crappy before I'd actually say to DH "I need Saturday to myself and you have Phoebe for the day." I just always felt like doing that was a luxury I didn't need to bother anyone else to make happen, which I know is stupid. So I would wait and wait for DH to offer to do that and I would stew about how he wasn't offering, until I'd just be pissed about it. So my advice to you: instead of general "sure, I'll take him or do family stuff when you want" say "this Saturday I'm taking him to the park and out to lunch and then I'll put him down for his nap. You take a long bath and then go out and have fun for a few hours or enjoy the empty house." Be specific and make it happen. Your DW needs it!

[Greg B]

It is important for the mom to have time alone and free from worry about the kids. It is impoartant for the dad to do the same. Of course it is much easier for the dad to get this time than the mom, usually, so it easily be unbalanced.

It is also important for the couple to have kid free time. Very important, as far as my wife and I are concerned.

The key is balance. And that is very difficult to achieve for a lot of reasons, including being tired, feeling you are the primary care giver, day to day things that throw schedules out of wack, lack of external support, lack of motivation to go out alone or with friends.

I think it helps if you do the little day to day things frequently enough that your wife becomes comfortable with you being alone with the kids. It also may take time for her to find freinds and activities to engage her enough to desire being out of the house.

No way to know if any of this applies, but these are what seemed to work with us.

Regards

[the sunshine]

What I found when I was married was that sometimes H would SAY he would be fine with me taking time for myself, but it never happened. When you're bf'ing or for other reasons it can be hard to plan far ahead, so if on a Saturday I'd really feel like I needed to get out for a few hours I couldn't because he already had plans. Usually plans he could put off, but he wasn't willing to do that.

I will emphasize what a few other moms have said - offering is great, but taking the initiative to get out for a while with the baby, or to say "I would love to hang with the kids today, you go off and do what you want" is priceless, as they say. Moms always feel like they have to put everyone else first so it can be hard to demand the time they need.

[lil_miss_understood]

I totally agree with the other moms. It's easy to say "no, I'm fine" when DH says "You should go out and do something". I *don't* want to go out and do something. What I want, what I *really really want* is for him to take the kids out of my hair and leave me alone in the house. I haven't been alone in... I think it's going on 6 years. I can hardly imagine a house empty of everyone but myself.

[Olympia177]

I think it is great that you are willing to and want to spend one-on-one time with your child and that you feel your dw should get some time to herself. TOO OFTEN I hear about mamas who can't get time for themselves, but worse than that is mamas who [I]won't[I] take time for themselves. You are doing yourself, your children and your partner a great disservice by not "allowing" them time to be the parent. I know so many moms who just can't let their babies or toddlers out of their sight for 2 seconds, let alone a couple of hours. How is any dad supposed to figure out their own parenting and develop a strong relationship if they only get "supervised visitation" with their child or children? True, there are dads who truly refuse to take any responsibilities and those are the moms I mentioned who [I]can't[I] get any time alone. But I have trouble with parenting that excludes one or the other partner. I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old - DH plays hockey 3-4 nights per week (later at night, like 10PM) and occasionally goes out with his friends and also spends TONS of time, one-on-one and with both kids as well, so I get time alone. I am a SAHM and go out with friends etc a few times a month, but for me I need "alone" time, not time to go out with other people, so I take my quiet time when DH has the kids. I also work out as often as I need or want, and DH always makes sure I get that time. I definately think some communiation is in order, but be sure to let her know you want YOUR time with the baby too, and this can be a good time forher to relax and enjoy her own activities. Good Luck!

[BellaClaudia]

I would be devastated if my husband would express the need or want to go away from us for any given time. We are in this together and how not fair it is to even think to go out where we are not?

how is this love exactly?

being witha small child most of the 24 period entitles wife to support and attention and caring and going out without her is exactly opposite.

I would not be suprised if she would developed a depression over it.