Dads that play by themselves - Page 2

[sairy_gamp]

We make time for each other to do our own things when we want, but only when it's practical of course. Solo fun is not very frequent, but I'm sure to offer plenty of kid-free time to my wife. Not perfect at it, but I do keep it in mind.

In reply to 'divinedavinci' -I see 2 things going on here.

He says, "My DW and myself are/were very active in outdoor pursuits before ds. Now that he is a little older, I have started to go out and to do more recreation pursuits. My DW on the other hand does not express an interest in doing these things" (...what's unclear from this is if she just doesn't want to be away from the kids...)

Now... if his wife doesn't express a desire to go out and do things on her own, why does that mean the husband should also not be going out doing things on his own? As I read this, I don't see that it's his wife being required to stay back all the time with the kids. It sounds like a choice she's made.

[tinuviel_k]

My husband is quite athletic. If he doesn't exercise regularly and hard he gains weight, becomes easily stressed, and is not as happy a person. He NEEDS to exercise several times a week, and we've always known that this is a need I simply can't help with. I have neither the stamina, the skill, or the interest. Yes, we both love to go on a light mountain bike ride together, or a couple mile hike with the family. We all have a great time together. No, that doesn't give him what he NEEDS: an hour or two to push his limits, sweat like crazy, push himself to physical exhaustion. To spend 25 hard miles on the singletrack, several hours on a rock face, or 10 miles trail running. To many this might seem superfluous. I assure you it is not: this is something he needs to do to remain healthy in body and mind. I would never begrudge him the time he needs to get out and exercise.

Likewise: I dance once a week, sometimes twice. Aaron could come but doesn't really want to. I love the chance to get out completely on my own and have some breathing space. I also take a yoga class a couple times a week. This gives Aaron some nice one-on-one time with our daughter.

Originally Posted by divinedavinci

I would be devastated if my husband would express the need or want to go away from us for any given time. We are in this together and how not fair it is to even think to go out where we are not?

how is this love exactly?

being witha small child most of the 24 period entitles wife to support and attention and caring and going out without her is exactly opposite.

Of course it is still love. I believe it is impossible to truly love and take care of another person if you do not also love and take care of yourself. My husband needs to go out and exercise, and of course he loves me! He knows that by going out and taking the time he needs that he will come home refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to be a much more engaged and attentive husband and father. Marriage doesn't necessarily mean spending 24/7 joined at the hip. It means loving and supporting one another as best you can. If my husband or I don't take care of ourselves then how can we truly be there for one another and our daughter? To me, denying my husband the time and exercise he needs would not be love; it would be selfishness. Asking for support is not in any way selfish, but demanding and expecting every moment of his time is. Likewise, he would never dream of holding me back from the private time I need to hold my sanity together.

When Denali was 1.5 I got out less than I do now. Aaron often got a bit more "time off" than I did because Denali was still breastfeeding and was used to me for comfort. Still, it was wonderful and necessary for me to have occasional quick breaks here and there. And I have always been aware that my wonderful husband needs the same. There may have been times that I was sad (and a bit jealous) that he was able to take more time than I could, but I also put a lot of value on his needs to get out and exercise alone. Besides, he always comes home happier and refreshed, and that is great for both of us and our daughter.

[eewieew]

my 2 cents - I'm not a mom yet but will be in a matter of months. My Husband and I have always stressed the importance of alone time. In order to be good partners to each other, we need to explore lives independent of each other, which keeps things fresh by having experiences to bring home and jazz the other partner up about.

Right now we are trying to become comfortable with our future roles and are admittedly having difficulty, both within our marriage and ourselves, and have both found that time to be alone with our thoughts, or just the silence, heals so much. I agree with so many pp's , in my feeling that this should ring true once the kids are in the picture as well. It's unhealthy to wrap oneself up so completely in another person or people, and everybody deserves a break sometimes.

But, you should def initiate because mom's often suffer from martyr syndrome, and will never tell you that they really need a break.

[Kessed]

I think that significant time "away" should end when people get married. And especially when people have children. Otherwise - what was the point?

When we got married - DH started coming to my soccer games. I would go hiking and geocaching WITH him.

It is VERY important for families to play together.

Now that we have DD - our activities have had to change. Soccer wasn't feasible when DD was an infant. The winter (indoor) season didn't work because of how late the games were. So - we switched to other activities. I was a bit sad - but I know I can play soccer again in a few years when we don't have babies.

We did alot of hiking and geocaching the first year - but once DD got very mobile she wouldn't go in a carrier - so we've taken a brake.

Now we go swimming almost every week. We can do that as a family.

We go camping - as a family.

It wouldn't be even close to OK for DH to just take off every weekend. Even if he offered me the same choice - that's not really a choice.

Why not find things the 3 of you can do together?

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by divinedavinci

I would be devastated if my husband would express the need or want to go away from us for any given time. We are in this together and how not fair it is to even think to go out where we are not?

how is this love exactly?

being witha small child most of the 24 period entitles wife to support and attention and caring and going out without her is exactly opposite.

I would not be suprised if she would developed a depression over it.

um...i mean this in the nicest possible way, but...i don't call this love, i call it codependency. not even think to go out w/o the family? i can't fathom that. people need alone time, pure and simple. some more than others, but still.

i agree with the moms who said the thing about needing alone time in the house. and also the ones who said that DH should plan activities with the kids, thereby leaving mom to do X, not "offer" to "take" the kids as a favor to mom. he should parent the kids himself, not babysit for her.

[Kessed]

Originally Posted by mercyn

um...i mean this in the nicest possible way, but...i don't call this love, i call it codependency. not even think to go out w/o the family? i can't fathom that. people need alone time, pure and simple. some more than others, but still.

Actually - many people don't.

Or they don't need more time "alone" than a nice long shower.

I would NEVER get into a relationship with someone who needed exorbitant amounts of time "alone"... And wanted to do something every weekend qualifies. I can support a couple of work related trips a year. And maybe 1 'fun' trip. But more than that and, IMO, it's not a family anymore. It's some roommates who have kids.

I married my husband because I like spending time with him. If I had to choose between going out with him and pretty much anybody else - I would choose him every single time. Now - I do go out every month or so with a friend or my sister. And he does the same. But that's for 2 or 3 hours.

[chirp]

"alone" time and "playing" are two different things (sorry if someone has said this already). my husband takes ds for walks (he just started doing this regularly, yay!) so that i could get some alone time in the house. even if that alone time is just making dinner. i LIKE making dinner, so doing it uninterrupted and being able to clean up afterward and possibly even make dessert? that's great.

then there are times when i want to go out and PLAY. dh and ds are ALWAYS welcome to come with me. sometimes dh doesn't want to and its just plain easier to leave the baby at home with him. ds is only three months old, but there has not been a situation that has come up where they would not be invited along too. whether or not they come is a different story.

it's been important to me to remember that dh get time alone in the house too. i just realized that although he didn't have direct responsibility with the baby ALL DAY like i sometimes do, he still wasn't getting any alone time in the house. time to just unwind with no noise or just the ability to do whatever he wanted. we BOTH need this. neither one of us ever wants more than an hour or two though. we start to miss each other!

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by Kessed

Actually - many people don't.

Or they don't need more time "alone" than a nice long shower.

I would NEVER get into a relationship with someone who needed exorbitant amounts of time "alone"... And wanted to do something every weekend qualifies. I can support a couple of work related trips a year. And maybe 1 'fun' trip. But more than that and, IMO, it's not a family anymore. It's some roommates who have kids.

I married my husband because I like spending time with him. If I had to choose between going out with him and pretty much anybody else - I would choose him every single time. Now - I do go out every month or so with a friend or my sister. And he does the same. But that's for 2 or 3 hours.

well, that's true-- but by the same token, while i agree with you about never getting into a relationship with someone who needed exorbitant alone time, neither would i get into one where someone needed *all* their time with me. that would stifle me and i'd feel smothered right quick.
i think the OP didn't say he needed every weekend. i noticed that in the first response. the first response said "every" weekend and i'm pretty sure the OP didn't say *every*.

but yep-- when i've had partners, i liked spending time with them most of all, too. i'm talking balance, and it sounds like you are, too. the post i was responding to sounded WAY off balance to me. of course, you know how email is-- i might have taken it completely wrong-- but it sounded utterly smothering.

[PGTlatte]

Originally Posted by mercyn

....... neither would i get into one where someone needed *all* their time with me. that would stifle me and i'd feel smothered right quick.

LOL, BTDT !!!!!! Never again !!!!

I actually think it's healthy for partners to have their own things that they go do without each other sometimes. As long as it is kept in balance. And once there are children, it's really important that one person doesn't feel they are just presumed to be there to care for the children while the other person can just go do whatever they want, whenever, for long periods of time.

[AdinaL]

Hi folks, friendly neighborhood mod here. Let's remember we are playing in the Dads forum. Try and temper your posts accordingly. We all know that having someone come into our playground and tell us we are doing things wrong makes us angry, and the MDC fathers need a place to chat too. Give your input, sure, but watch your tone. Thanks.

[triplex]

everyone is different, and every couple has it's unique dynamic, exemplified by the wide range of feelings expressed in this thread about you spending time away from the fam.

don't let anyone outside your relationship make you feel guilty, or tell you your "wrong". the only person outside of yourself you need to worry about is your wife (assuming you spend quality time with your child).

that said, while i feel first and foremost your responsibilities lie with being a part of your family, i feel it's extremely important for people to retain their personal identities. i think it's unreasonable for anyone to expect their partner to completely abandon their individual interests/pursuits/passions completely in any relationship. as i said though, your a dad and a husband first, so there has to be some compromise. i also think its very important for you two to keep sight of the husband/wife relationship outside of being parents.

if i read your post correctly, you've waited till your child is well over a year old before you started rekindling your playtime, which i interpret as you being very willing to do what needs to be done for the family.

i think your wife may need a gentle nudge to get back in touch with her self identity, so my humble, worthless internet advise is threefold:

1) give her time to herself without the baby. take your child out for a chunk of the day a couple times a month. if she doesn't have a breast pump, get one. i highly recommend the automated ones after seeing multiple women get frustrated with the manual pumps. most hospitals rent them at very reasonable rates, and insurance often covers the fee. personally give your child the breast milk in a bottle a few times before going out for your first daddy and baby day, and don't write it off as not working if it takes just a little time/energy to smooth out. as a father of two, i can tell you that you very likely will find the feeding in and of itself very rewarding, and deepen your bond with your baby.

maybe take your child for short trips, like to run errands. i know my son absolutely loves his trips with me to the supermarket, and you can fit these in between feedings.

get her a gift certificate for an hour massage at a nearby shop, or something like that, that you think she'd enjoy. and make the appointment for her so she can't procrastinate and never take advantage of it.

maybe make a lunch reservation somewhere and invite a friend of her's to go with her. give her the money to cover the bill and tell her to have a good time.

2) make time for the two of you without the baby. do you have a trusted family member or friend that you guys feel comfortable leaving the baby with for an hour or two? i imagine it would do the both of you a world of good to get out for some husband and wife time. take her to dinner, maybe a movie.

3) schedule some activities in line with your interests, (but maybe not full on adventures) for all three of you. maybe get one of those backpacks that your child sits in, and go for a short, easy hike together. maybe pack a lunch. if she's resistant to even this, tell her how important it is to you to do things outside the house as a family, how good you think it would be for the baby, and ask for her input on some activities you guys could do as a family

i have no idea how frequently your doing your own thing, but maybe scale back a bit until your guys can find a rhythm that works for everyone.

[jeteaa]

my dh still climbs mountains, mt bikes every weekend and goes to the gym every week day. BUT, he gets up at 3 am, yes 3 am to go to the gym before work. He get up at 5am on the weekend to go riding and is home by 9 ish. He took a 3 day weekend to go climbing, so now I get a 3 day weekend to travel/play. I am NOT in shape like I was pre-kids, so even if I wanted to go w/ him and leave the kids w/ a sitter, I could not keep up with him in those activities. But we are branching out and trying new activiites where we can both enjoy it. Like renting a doble kayak, or taking sailing lessons to be able to charter a boat for a vacation. So maybe you need to do some self sacrafice (sleep?) and try new activities that your dw and/or dc can participate in.