Struggling watching my foster daughter parent

[Ary99]

My DFD is visiting with her husband and daughter. They live in another state so we haven't spent that much time watching them interact with their 20 month old daughter. It's worth mentioning that I have a 22 month old son and an almost 6 year old son.

They are so. . .exasperated with her. They yell at her. Every other word is no. The threaten to spank and I saw my FD swat at her this morning.

I have to proceed soooooo cautiously here. I obviously need to talk to her, but I risk alienating her. Gosh. . .I just don't know what to to do. I printed out some stuff for her explaining why spanking is wrong and offering alternatives, but I know she probably won't read it. Also her husband and his parents (with whom they live) also are pro spank.

It just breaks my heart!

[SeekingJoy]

I am so sorry. I have no advice, but

[langyork]

I would not tell her how to do anything differently even if her house was burning down unless it is blatently against the law.


Just be a model for what works.

I have the same issue with step daughter and her kids but I don't think I am allowed to talk about specific people, not about spanking but smoking in the house with young ones. Any way, I just tell her I cannot take my dd into her house. It's not sinking in that it might be bad for her lo's.

smoking around lo's is not against the law. so, i've dropped the giant hint by never going in her house, but it will not change the smoking.

[pookel]

Toddlers that age can be a handful. If I were you, I'd try to come up with helpful suggestions in the form of "here is something you can do that might ease your frustration with her," so it doesn't come across as a criticism of their parenting decisions. It's more effective to be pro "techniques other than spanking" than merely anti-spanking, if that makes sense.

[GoBecGo]

Could you tell her about your friend who "used to feel frustrated like you seem to be feeling" until she started doing....well, whatever you think - i agree that it's hard to see kids and parents really NOT enjoying one another and easing the frustration and "on-guard to punish" thinking is a BIG first step!

I've done it VERY cautiously with friends who seem this way. After the moment has passed i say "you know my friend xx's kid used to be JUST that way, and she read this book, can't remember the name, and it gave her all these different strategies, and you know, they're like a different family! Oh, i need to think of that title...." and then a few days later produce the book and read a few really relevant excerpts and leave it with her.

I don't know why she was in foster care or how long you had her, but remember that child abuse is VERY hard to overcome to the point that you can be a totally different parent to the one's you first experienced. It's pretty awful to have already had the state recognise that the toolbox your own parents used (and thus gave you) is so bad they were prevented from using it by the law.

[SkyMomma]

I feel for you...my brother just recently came back into our family after disapearing for a while. His wife is super-sensitive to any real or imagined critism, & we have very different parenting styles. I also need to tread very carefully, we don't want to lose contact again. Some thoughts:

* What can you see that they are doing successfully? What are they proud of? Compliment them like crazy! Particularly if there are places where you can encourage them to continue with parenting that embraces a more gentle discpline method. But anything. Let them know you appreciate them as parents before introducing anything that could be viewed as critical.

* Commiserate. Show your compassion for how hard it its to travel with a toddler, etc. Then, perhaps, offer the solutions you have found. "It's so tough when babies aren't napping & get really fussy. This is what we've found helpful..." I agree with pp, offering alternatives to spanking, rather than just saying spanking is wrong is the way to go.

* Model GD practices...which I'm sure you're already doing

Good luck!