Doula problem- UPDATE AGAIN POST 22

[JennaW]

Hey Mamas,

So I just got a call from my DH who just received a long voice mail from our doula. Apparently she has received a concert opportunity in D.C. (I'm guessing for her to play because she is a singer-song writer) that she just can't pass up and is leaving town tomorrow for a week.

I'm 41 weeks, she is quite aware of how far along I am.

To be honest, I am really surprised, I did not expect this from her at all. She does not seem like a flakey person. I am not super upset about it but I do not think it is a professional or nice thing to do to a first time Mama!

On the other hand, she is a doula in training. Our birth was going to be her first birth as a doula (she has had 2 children of her own but this is the first birth of someone else she is attending). She is attending our birth for free, this was agree upon up front before we even met in person. So, I feel like maybe I shouldn't be that let down. Although I was planning on giving her a monetary gift as a thank you but she had no way of knowing that.

I just don't know how to react, you know? I mean, I can't force her to not go but also I kind of feel like, if she is willing to "drop" me like this, maybe she is not what I thought she is and I don't really want her at my birth, KWIM? In the VM she left for DH she said she is calling a bunch of people looking for a back-up. That is nice but I don't know if I want some person I have never met before...

I'm not a basket case or anything like that but DH says I need to call her back and I just really don't know what to say.

Any advice is appreciated.

[Materfamilias]

Wow. That just seems REALLY unethical and unprofessional to me. If she told you she would be there, then her first obligation is to be there.

[prairieo]

Jenna,
As a person who has been an on call babysitter for midwives for years, and doula for my buddies, I can say that my feeling about being involved in birth is that it is a very serious thing. Plans get screwed up ALL THE Time for midwives and doulas. It's part of what you accept for your life when you take on that role. I would suggest that this person is new to the field, and perhaps does not understand what kind of commitment it means to take on. If it were me, I would let her know exactly what you expressed in your post, and leave it at that. Sorry that's happening to you.

[lesmac]

She's looking for some one to take her place at the concert, right?

What a flake! TOTALLY unprofessional...perhaps you could point out that she needs to choose whether she wants to be a singer-songwriter or a doula?

[Amydoula]

As a doula myself (I can't help lurking and watching you all have your babies) that is EXTREMELY unprofessional. I would report her to her certifying agency. I couldn't imagine up and leaving a client like that. I hope you can find someone else you feel comfortable with.

[blessed_mama]

Originally Posted by Materfamilias

Wow. That just seems REALLY unethical and unprofessional to me. If she told you she would be there, then her first obligation is to be there.

Originally Posted by prairieo

I can say that my feeling about being involved in birth is that it is a very serious thing. Plans get screwed up ALL THE Time for midwives and doulas. It's part of what you accept for your life when you take on that role.

:

[rootsandwings]

If she plans to be a doula sheshould be aware of the commitment this is and the sometime sacrafice too. her 1st obligation is to you. money or no money period. paying her does not make your birth experience more valuable. those were the terms from the beginning. she should be honored that you were having her as part of your birth experience.

[pazerific]

yeah, i gotta say, that's not cool. weather she's certified and asking a fee or not, that's just not right to drop you without even having a backup yet. i don't think she should back out either way, but like i said, to do it without even lining someone else up first seems just over the top. but like you said, better now than just not showing up while you're in labor or something.

[Spark]

I feel like she should AT LEAST hook you up with another doula in training!!! : Can you talk to her "supervisor" or whoever it is that's doing her accreditation? Ask for another doula ASAP. And, I think I'd probably ask to write something to be put in her file about your experience with her - "great, until she bailed on me!"

Totally not nice to do this to a first time mama OR any mama for that matter! Grrrrr.

[BirthFree]

(crashing from above DDC)
I would give her some serious talking to (esp. as a doula myself). That is not only unprofessional, but NOT OK. NO ONE should ever leave a mama without previous (as in when interviewed/contacted) notice of plans - she CAN pass up this event and she should. Did you sign any contract at all? Sooner she realizes the "awww, wish I could, but I can't" of being a doula, the better. Is she thinking she could do this to a paying customer or that b/c she's training it's not a big deal??

That is soooooooo bad!!! I'd be SO exceedingly angry! She needs to know she should be staying, wow. I wish I could help you, that's terrible.

[JennaW]

Thanks everyone for your responses and support.

I did call "our" doula tonight. I decided before I made the call that I wanted to keep things positive FOR MY SAKE. I am the type of person that can really get worked up about stuff like this and that is not what I need right now.

So when I called her, I just let her know I had gotten her VM and that I understood her situation. She kept apologizing and I would say "Yes, I'm sorry too." I tried to keep an even but gentle tone. I made sure not to say "It's okay" or use any type of permissive language.

She did find another doula who is experienced that would be able to attend our birth. I am going to be meeting with her tomorrow, hopefully we are a good fit.

Just for the record, ITA that this is unprofessional and just plain wrong but I have decided that I don't want to waste my energy on it. What is done is done. I won't be wasting my time tracking down her superior and writing letters. I would hope she would think better of asking me for a reference but if she does I will open up the doors of brutal honesty and let her know that she let me down.

So anyway, that's the dealio....

[robertandenith]

hopefully you'll like your new doula... so sorry this is happening to you

[prairieo]

good job for taking care of yourself!

[jennykilbo]

Originally Posted by JennaW

Thanks everyone for your responses and support.

I did call "our" doula tonight. I decided before I made the call that I wanted to keep things positive FOR MY SAKE. I am the type of person that can really get worked up about stuff like this and that is not what I need right now.

So when I called her, I just let her know I had gotten her VM and that I understood her situation. She kept apologizing and I would say "Yes, I'm sorry too." I tried to keep an even but gentle tone. I made sure not to say "It's okay" or use any type of permissive language.

She did find another doula who is experienced that would be able to attend our birth. I am going to be meeting with her tomorrow, hopefully we are a good fit.

Just for the record, ITA that this is unprofessional and just plain wrong but I have decided that I don't want to waste my energy on it. What is done is done. I won't be wasting my time tracking down her superior and writing letters. I would hope she would think better of asking me for a reference but if she does I will open up the doors of brutal honesty and let her know that she let me down.

So anyway, that's the dealio....

Jenna, good for you for not letting this "trigger" you. I think you did exactly the right thing. When you look back on it, it will be clear that her presence was not right for your birth and you'll be glad you did not waste precious energy on it.

[catnap70]

I really believe that the universe works in mysterious ways. I would try to believe that, for some reason, the other doula wasn't a good fit for you and you "need" the new one. Maybe she will be amazing and even better than your first choice! And it sounds like you did a great job of handling it--way to keep your energy positive for yourself and your babe!!

[lorelei]

Good job, mama- it sounds like you handled that crummy situation really well.
I hope you new doula is a wonderful match for you!!

[Spark]

I bet you'll like the new doula even better! And, I bet you'll get a really experienced doula for free this way.

Originally Posted by JennaW

Just for the record, ITA that this is unprofessional and just plain wrong but I have decided that I don't want to waste my energy on it. What is done is done. I won't be wasting my time tracking down her superior and writing letters. I would hope she would think better of asking me for a reference but if she does I will open up the doors of brutal honesty and let her know that she let me down.

You are just SO wise.

[desilou]

this is absolutely the time for picking battles carefully and preserving energy. kudos for taking the high road!

[HulaJenn]

Sounds to me like she needs to decide what career she wants to pursue. If she is a singer songwriter then perhaps this was a "can't pass up" opportunity and she wasn't meant to be your doula then? (I;m not excusing her behaviour - it was EXTREMELY unprofessional), but hopefully this new person can commit the way a doula is supposed to. Good luck!

[pazerific]

good for you jenna!