Sharing custody/taking a nursling away from mama

[NewMama2007]

I'm just looking for more information -

A case came to my attention about a mother whose 8 mo old baby is exclusively breastfed - minimal solids - and won't take a bottle.

The mother went to court for custody, and the judge ruled that the mama needed to allow the father of the baby to have the baby every other weekend (Fri, Sat, Sun). The judge was aware that the mama is bfdg. The father lives over 50 miles away in another state, and the mother is not allowed to stay with the father/father's family during the weekends he has baby.

The mama has no milk in storage, and isn't able to pump extra since she's not away from baby. From what I understand, the father has had minimal contact with baby, and baby and mama have not been separated overnight, so it's very traumatic.

The search function still isn't working, but as of several pages back, this was not addressed, so I'm sorry if I'm missing a previous thread. I just feel so badly for this baby! And come on - if babies can be kept with mama in JAIL, what's the issue here?

A co-worker called our local LLL rep, whose only advice was on how to get baby to take a bottle and how to pump better

Is there any chance of getting this judge to recant? Do you know of any similar situations and what happened to keep the nursing pair together and still nursing?

[menomena]

Can your friend call the LLL 800 number? 1-800-LALECHE and see if you can get a more helpful response? Or call your local Leader back and ask that she talk to aPL (Professional Liaison) Leader - basically another Leader with experience with law and/or medical issues as pertaining to BFing.

A PL Leader from the mom's area should theoretically be knowledgeable about local judges/court systems/etc and what might be helpful.

Does your friend have a lawyer who is pro-breastfeeding? Can your friend stress that it is the highest priority? If the lawyer doesn't press the issue to the judge, the judge won't know how important it is to the mom.

to that mom & baby.

I have also heard the following suggested: mom "lets" dad take baby for the weekend. once dad realizes that baby is just going to scream the whole time and fight the bottle, he will be eager to off-load baby back to mom. mom can stay near-by (in a hotel perhaps?) so that it isn't a huge ordeal to get the baby in the middle of the night. not always practical or possible, but it's an option to consider...

[momofmine]

Originally Posted by NewMama2007

A co-worker called our local LLL rep, whose only advice was on how to get baby to take a bottle and how to pump better

That is absolutely insane. That is ludicrous! I can't believe that is the best advice an LLL leader can offer. I don't know what state you are in, but some states have laws that say things that are sort of generic like, "no one may interfere with the right of a mother to breastfeed her child", while Utah, for example, specifically addresses custody issues:

Utah Code Ann. § 30-3-34 (1997) provides that in determining child custody
and visitation schedules, the best interests of the child. The lack of reasonable
alternatives of a nursing child is a factor that the court can consider in determining
whether the standard parenting (custody) schedule would apply.

The above quote is from:
http://maloney.house.gov/documents/o...5CRSReport.pdf

which summarizes state laws.

You could try and get a doctor's note. A woman with an 8 month old, who exclusively breastfeeds? If she can't nurse for three whole days and has to pump for 72 hours solid, I would think she would be at risk for decreased supply, or getting engorged, which could lead to mastitis, etc, etc, etc. Iy's just ridiculous! I can't believe a judge would do that. I would most definitely appeal that. Maybe contact the person who is supposed to be the child advocate in those cases. I can't think of the word.

My heart aches for this mother. I hope you can help her. Please try! Call a lawyer or a doctor or someone! How about Jack Newman?? Copy some things that show how important it is to breastfeed, how the WHO recommends breastfeeding for at least 2 years, etc, etc.

Good luck!

[miche28]

I'm sorry that's the response she received from LLL - if she's willing, she can call back (or call the main line) and ask specifically to be referred to Area Professional Liason (APL) who has expertise in legal matters as they relate to custody.

While pumping and bottlefeeding may end up being part of the solution, it's not a solution to the immediate problem.

[jaidymama]

This is sad to hear. LLL actually can be used as a credible resource during custody issues in SUPPORT of maintaining a nursing relationship.

Depending on when the ruling has been made, or how that state's court system works it could be a while before something could be done about it... Although, it is urgent... so Maybe she could make a case for the urgency of it all. Not wanting to wean the baby and all.

At the very least, they should give her 6 months or something to gradually introduce a bottle and get some pumping in (assuming the dad would use it).

[SallyN]

No direct experience, but go to API's website (www.attachmentparenting.com) and search the site (upper right corner) for "custody" or "infant custody"... there's several articles and some forum discussions that may be helpful.

Does the mom have a bf-supportive ped. Since AAP is on board with breastmilk for the first year, maybe the ped can write a 'script'? Removing an infant from it's food source is just so absurd.

[blessedwithboys]

go to lll.org and search for liz baldwin's writings.

[NewMama2007]

So far, we have contacted LLL for an APL, w/ no answer from them (left 2 messages). The pedi is writing a letter on their behalf.

I found a ton of stuff to give to her lawyer from LLL and the attachment parenting website.

Hopefully there will be a change, but it's not looking promising.

Thank you all so much for your help though, it's been greatly appreciated.

[sheilajolene]

She can, and should, file an ex parte motion for reconsideration. There should be special consideration for breastfed children under 1, but the chances are that they won't over turn this. The opposing counsel will likely object to the letter from the ped if the ped isn't there to testify and so the letter isn't worth all that much.

I went through this. I did everything short of skipping town to keep it from happening. Letters from AP experts and psychologists, LLL, API, the judicial review board, local media and DHS couldn't stop the judge's orders. Good luck, and expect a long week of recovery when that babe returns. It is heartbreaking and I don't understand fathers who can do this to their children.

[goodheartedmama]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to post and offer my support for this mama. I know that's not much, but it's all I have. How long until this decision goes into effect?

[mamajake]

FYI, the LLL Helpline is no longer 1-800-LA-LECHE. It is 1-877-4-LA-LECHE. See http://www.breastfeedinghelpline.com/

[Lil'M]

Here are some resources that might be helpful:

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/normal/bf-law.html

[mamajake]

Originally Posted by Lil'M

Here are some resources that might be helpful:

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/normal/bf-law.html

Please note the "resources" on that page are quite old and out of date. I think good medical reference on extended breastfeeding can be found in http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detletter.htm though the letter itself is not evidence.

[Lil'M]

Originally Posted by mamajake

Please note the "resources" on that page are quite old and out of date. I think good medical reference on extended breastfeeding can be found in http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detletter.htm though the letter itself is not evidence.

The Kathy Dettwyler letter WAS one of the resources in that link. And even though Elizabeth Baldwin is sadly not living anymore, her writings are still relevant, IMO.

I said some of the resources might be helpful, not that they were all perfect and written yesterday.

[mamajake]

Originally Posted by Lil'M

The Kathy Dettwyler letter WAS one of the resources in that link. And even though Elizabeth Baldwin is sadly not living anymore, her writings are still relevant, IMO.

I said some of the resources might be helpful, not that they were all perfect and written yesterday.

Yes, Dettwyler's link is there. However, legal information becomes dated like any other. I mean no disrespect to Liz but one should not rely on ten year old research in this, or any other, area.

[Lil'M]

I guess I was just coming from a different perspective. I'm not a lawyer, and I understand that old articles perhaps would not adequately represent the state of custody law and breastfeeding today, but if I needed a place to start, I would perhaps at least use the information to find out some general information on the topic and who to contact--for example Liz Baldwin's co-author or Kathy Dettwyler. So when I suggested the resources in the link, I suggested them as a place to begin research.

And I am echoing the suggestion to contact a local LLL Leader and ask for the number of the Area Professional Liason. In our state, we have different Associate Area Professional Liasons who specialize in medical OR legal questions, depending on their background and professional expertise.

[mamajake]

Originally Posted by Lil'M

I guess I was just coming from a different perspective. I'm not a lawyer, and I understand that old articles perhaps would not adequately represent the state of custody law and breastfeeding today, but if I needed a place to start, I would perhaps at least use the information to find out some general information on the topic and who to contact--for example Liz Baldwin's co-author or Kathy Dettwyler. So when I suggested the resources in the link, I suggested them as a place to begin research.

And I am echoing the suggestion to contact a local LLL Leader and ask for the number of the Area Professional Liason. In our state, we have different Associate Area Professional Liasons who specialize in medical OR legal questions, depending on their background and professional expertise.

I hear you, Lil'M. The problem I have found too often is that people take old articles at face value and don't do more research. Also, last I checked neither Liz's co-author (her widower) nor Dettwyler are available to answer queries. Dettwyler's letter, for example, contains medical references which are hopefully of use to some women in custody cases but which require further research, probably by their lawyers, as to how they can be used in any individual legal case. Dettwyler's letter is written as a letter to use in court cases but unfortunately one cannot print a letter from the Internet and use it as expert evidence (though Dettwyler herself is unquestionably an expert). In my experience, far too many women walk into custody hearings woefully unprepared for what may await them and with the belief that breastfeeding affords them a special status which in virtually every state it does not. It leads women to be blindsided by court orders and wait too long to get the professional help that they need.

Few Areas have LLL Associate Area Professional Liaisons who are lawyers (New Jersey, I know, currently does) but every APL currently has access to someone who can help find what public resources are available. There are, sadly, few resources however.

Custody/family law is a highly specialized area and Elizabeth Baldwin was both an expert in family law and someone with a great deal of expertise in breastfeeding. Her untimely death left a gaping hole in our world. I have not yet heard of someone else who could combine these areas of practice but if anyone does know of someone, please PM me. The need is great.

[One_Girl]

I think that there may have been other stuff going on because this is a lot of custody for another parent to have unless he wanted it. If he wanted a lot of custody but hasn't had much to do with the baby that would seem to point to her keeping him out of the babies life. I doubt she would admit to that in court or to the news, but it is something that some women do to get even with the father they hate for splitting up with them. I have heard of parents who did successfully limit the non-custodial parents visitation to just day visits until the baby was three whether they nursed or not.

She may be able to get around this for a few months while the baby is young, but it will probably depend on who made the choice to move out of state and other factors that haven't been posted about that may have influenced the decision. If she moved out of state and he still wanted custody he still has the right to custody and she may have to absorb all transportation costs to provide him with that custody or move back to where she was living before she moved and took the baby without his consent. If she was withholding the baby from him deliberately that may have influenced how much visitation the judge gave the father. She may also have cut off his families willingness to work with her in any way by her behavior while they were together and they aren't willing to have her with them and asked the judge to enforce their decision by making that ruling. Probably if she moved back and lived in the same city then made the appeal it would be more effective than it is if she was the one who moved, but that really depends on how much sympathy the judge has for her overall and how convincing her witnesses are about the benefits of breastfeeding.