How are you doing Jenna?

[huskermommy]

I'm just thinking about you. How are you doing?

[JennaW]

Thanks for thinking of me. I would say I'm doing "back and forth"

I don't think the castor oil did anything but make my bum very sore but it wasn't that horrible either.

So here I am, I just don't think my body is ready for labor right now.

I am trying to stay positive but to be totally honest I am feeling very discouraged. I feel like I am stuck in between wanting to just trust my body and wanting this baby out NOW, just so I don't have to worry about her anymore.

We have another NST tomorrow at 10am. DH and I talked about it and assuming things look the same as Thursday, we think we will see if we can get the CNM to work with us on having as gentle an induction as possible and holding off on said induction until at least Monday. I know the CNM I saw the other day will not be on duty this weekend, I am really hoping I will get one of the CNM's I have already met.

Sometimes I feel like having a little kid temper tantrum and just screaming "I WANT THE BIRTH I WANT!"

I am also in a sense grieving the lost opportunity of a homebirth, even though I was never planning one. I can't help but to think "If I was having a homebirth would this even be an issue?" But I will never know and DH and I could have never afforded one anyway so its pretty much a mute point but the though crosses my mind.

It used to be when my baby moved, I would just get a smile on my face at the reminder she is growing and thriving, now I feel a rush of relief like "Oh good she is still alive." Who wants to think that way?

So I am still just praying that labor starts soon, tonight before the NST tomorrow.

And I can't help it, I have to ramble a little more. I also get upset when I think about how much having a natural birth means to me and the very real situation staring me in the face that it might not happen. I think about all the women who just don't give a crap about their birth, who would just love to be induced. I find myself pitying myself, "Why me? I care!" It's pathetic but it's the truth.

So anyway, that is how I am in one big rambly nut shell.

[pazerific]

you're doing so wonderfully. i know how effin difficult it is to just trust, but you really are doing a great job. please don't beat yourself up over what-ifs. even when you plan for something like a homebirth, it's certainly no guarantee everything will go as you had hoped. keep your chin up and stay as positive as you can. you're going to do this, and it's going to be great.

[Mom2Lex&Cay]

I was wondering as well. I so hoped it would be it for you today, Jenna!

You're doing such a great job!! Glad you shared some of what you're feeling, that's what we're here for!! Hope this stubborn little one gives you some relief and cooperates soon. You must have done one heck of a good job for her to be so comfy in there!

[huskermommy]

I wish I could just reach thru this screen and squeeze you! Hey! Maybe that would get your labor going!

I know what you mean about the homebirth thing. I desperately wanted one w/dd but it was an impossible choice at the time. It was hard not to think about what the difference would've been.

I am glad you got some of this off your chest! We are all here for you. I know it's hard to trust your baby and your body esp when you have to worry about the cnm's. Have you been talking to Caroline like you normally do? Maybe just give her some encouraging thoughts.

I have been so impressed with your amount of patience and willingness to go with the flow. It just goes to show that you will be an amazing mama! I can not wait to see pics of that beautiful baby!!

[JennaW]

Thanks to everyone for your support. I'm having a hard time right now. My DH is so amazing though, he has so much faith in my abilities and is keeping such a positive attitude about the NST tomorrow.

I'm still praying labor starts tonight, I was just praying with DH and about all I could say in between the tears is "I just don't want to worry anymore." I told DH I feel like the joy has been taken out of my pregnancy and replaced with worry.

Sorry to be such a downer.

[Kidzaplenty]

Don't worry about being worried. Everyone has that sometimes. And we are all here for you.

[Spark]

Sending lots and LOTS of support.

[njbeachgirl]

Hey mama, just wanted to send you are so strong and level-headed especially for a first time mama. You have obvious done your research and know what you want.

if it makes you feel any better I am planning a homebirth and am still under lots of pressure to have baby born by 42 weeks. If not by then my MW drop me

[JennaW]

Hey everyone, check out my list of talking points for my NST today, let me know what you think! Thanks


•Natural childbirth is very important to us for reasons of safety. We feel like the “synthetic” methods of induction come with a set of risks that shouldn’t be taken lightly.
•My body doesn’t seem to be ready to go into labor, making the chances of a failed induction that would end up in an emergency c-section higher.
•As every CNM I have seen at Kaiser so far has said, the “risks” to the baby in terms of being post date go up at 42 weeks. I’m not even there yet. After 42 weeks the perinatal mortality rate goes from 4 to 7 per 1,000 births.
•I would like to know the grade level of the placenta. It seems at this gestation, a grade II-grade III placenta is to be expected. How do my results compare to other pregnant women at 41 weeks?
•While the results of the NST and BPP should be taken into consideration, I can’t ignore the fact that I have a baby with a strong heartbeat that demonstrates strong, frequent movements throughout the day. As I was told by Debra Leise, CNM at my 40 week appointment “Baby movement is baby well being.”
•Given the information I have, I think the best course of action would be to continue to closely monitor fetal activity. We could do another NST, however, these tend to make me feel very stressed and anxious, there has not been a study to prove that these types of tests improve outcomes in post date pregnancies.
•If I have not gone into labor on my own by 42 weeks, induce labor starting with a cervical ripening agent (cervidil). Receive up to 2 hours of monitoring to make sure uterine hyperstimulation is not happening (the ACOG recommends an observation period of 30 minutes to 2 hours) and then allow me to go home for the ripening process. If this does not induce labor alone (we can specify a time for me to come back in if labor is not induced by the cervidil) start a low dose oxytocin regimen, 30 minutes between dose increases along with a fluid IV that contains salts. Once (if) I am actively dilating, I would like to try turning off the oxytocin to see if labor continues to progress on its own once “jump started”.

[Spark]

[lorelei]

Jenna,
Glad you're hanging in there. I think you're really smart to make yourself a list of stuff to go over- I always forget something I'd wanted to discuss during my appointments! lol

Hope your test goes well, and I hope they can give you good answers to your questions. I also hope they'll hold off and give you some more time before considering induction.

I know how you feel, dd1 was 14 days 'late' and dd2 was 10 days 'late.' Those last few weeks were so much more stressful, I remember getting really paranoid about the baby moving enough, and also having to be induced/sectioned. I am thinking good vibes your way for a wonderful birth and some peace until your babe is ready to meet the world.

Big hugs to you, mama. You're doing great, and babe will be here soon. You've already made it through 40 weeks, you can definitely make it a little longer! Go do something nice for yourself today- you deserve it.

[huskermommy]

What an excellent idea, Jenna! I always seem to sound like an idiot if I don't have something in front of me!

You are very well informed for a first time mama! I hope that today's appt goes well. : We'll all be thinking of you and waiting for an update!