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Hubby wants a divorce over HB

post #1 of 103
Thread Starter 
I just found out this morning, through my mother, that my husband plans on divorcing me for my plans to HB. I told him about it 2 months ago and he hasn't said a word to me about it since. He just said that I couldn't do it in this house....so I made plans to birth at a friends. Not a word since but he asked my mom yesterday while I was at work what my birth plans were and she told him. I'm really glad she did becasue obviously he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about it but at least now I know. He hasn't mentioned a word about it to me today which I find amusing. Like I need more stress at 34+ weeks pregnant! Oh, and he never wanted to be at the birth of my first child or this one. Why would it matter so much to him then where I birth? He also doesn't talk about the baby, acknowledge the fact I'm pregnant, etc. Sorry, just need to vent!
post #2 of 103
wow, maybe you could get in for a counseling session before the birth?
if he is really this bottled up about it, he could interfere with your labor. even if he isnt there.
have you asked him at all what his feelings are on homebirth?

also, is there a possibility that your mom blew what he said out of proportion?

good luck, sounds tough.
post #3 of 103

I'm sorry for your husband's terrible attitude about everything. It sounds like he's fishing for excuses and trying to pin his feelings on your actions even though you've done nothing to deserve it.
post #4 of 103
What?? And it's "his house"? I'm not a big believer in divorce, but I'd be tempted to take him up on it.
post #5 of 103
You two need to talk to each other. About birthing. About pregnancy. About why it is that all this information is passing through your mother. About whether you want to stay married. You describe an astounding void in marital communications - your mom is talking to both of you, but it doesn't sound like you're speaking to each other at all. Do you want to stay married? Or do you feel like you're done?
post #6 of 103
Wow that seems so unbelievable!
post #7 of 103
oh my. I am so so sorry. I hope you are able to resolve this before your birth.
post #8 of 103
Wow. Ok, but don't stress with all the reactions you are reading here. Its some crazy communications, thats for sure, but you need to stay focused on you and that baby right now in your pregnancy. You and your babe are the most important folks at the moment, everyone elses thoughts and feelings are secondary, even when horrible words like divorce are thrown around. I had a dear friend who found herself in an eerily similar situation a couple of years ago and the stress caused her to go into early labor. Hard not to, considering, I don't doubt, but try to stay focused on a healthy you and baby.
You do really need to acknowlege to DH directly that you have heard about what he's feeling and be honest that it freaks you out and you need to stay focused on the baby right now, but that this is huge and deserves more attention and conversation than you think you can give it at the moment and keep your fingers crossed.
A counseling session can go one of 2 ways: be relaxing and freeing to get it all out in the open or terrifying as you both all start to release the truth.
Perhaps with a REALLY good counselor who could control the intensity of the sessions...
. You are a strong mama, hang in there...
post #9 of 103
Thread Starter 
thanks mamas! i know we have MAJOR communication issues in our marriage and he refuses to see a counselor or even a conversation with me in general. he likes to totally avoid conflict to "keep the peace" but it just ends up making matters worse, especially when I hear things 'through the grapevine' like this! I am still waiting for him to approach me on this. hopefully, it will be sometime today. if not, i guess i will have to bring it up but i'd rather it be his idea so maybe he would actually speak. i'm just pretending i know nothing of the convo with my mother at this point. i wasn't planning on his support or prescence for the birth so I am prepared to do this alone in any event. keep me in your thoughts/prayers!
post #10 of 103
Wow, be sure to take care of yourself and your babes in this stressful time!!

Even if he won't go to a counselor, maybe you should. This gives you a place to ground yourself and what is happening in a 3rd neutral party for you (and also a great place to vent!). I think this is really important for you to do so that you can continue to see what you need to do take care of yourself and your babes.

Honestly, while it's been mentioned already about the huge communication issues, it sounds like your Hubby has some personal issues that would benefit both of you if he worked on them: for instance, why does birth and pregnancy cause such a shut down in him, do the apparent communication issues appear most frequently with women in his life, etc...

Hugs to you!
post #11 of 103
Wow Mama you are one strong woman. I'm so glad that you are coping with this so well. Its so difficult to have a partner who won't talk about issues... my dh was pretty bad at one point but luckily he was willing to do therapy after he realized that we weren't going to make it without going in.

I'll be thinking of you! Great job taking care of you and baby!
post #12 of 103
That sounds like a cop-out to me. It sounds like there are other deeper issues and this impending home birth is just a convenient way to make it seem like the problem is you.

But now is not the time for you to be stressed and worried so do what you need to do to take care of you.

You'll definitely be in my prayers.
post #13 of 103
I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's not fair to you. To begin with, your husband seems very dettached, talk to him. Maybe this goes a bit further than just the homebirth, something else may be bothering him. As far as your birth plans, he obviously doesn't understand why you desire a homebirth. I suggest you both sit down together and watch "The Business of Being Born", the documentary be Ricki Lake. Maybe after he watches this, he will be a little more receptive to the (wonderful) idea of having a homebirth. Give him your reasons and educate him as to why a homebirth is better for your family. And like another person said, your mother may have been exaggerating somewhat. I hope everything improves and you have a wonderful birth!

post #14 of 103
wow, are you already split up prior to this? if not, I'd say good riddance. any partner that has no ability to discuss things maturely and sends info like that through the family grapevine is a coward.

good luck with your birth. distance yourself from any negativity and focus on you and your baby.
post #15 of 103
if he is going to divorce you over something like this... there are bigger problems than we obviously know of here... and if this is serious maybe this is for the best. i mean.. this is such a simple thing and actions like this over something so simple do not bode well.
post #16 of 103
Originally Posted by paphia View Post

I'm sorry for your husband's terrible attitude about everything. It sounds like he's fishing for excuses and trying to pin his feelings on your actions even though you've done nothing to deserve it.

I'm sorry.
post #17 of 103
Obviously none of us know your entire situation from this single post....but I do agree with one of the other poster's that maybe you should try to talk to your H about why pregnancy, birth, etc. causes him to shut down.

For the same reasons that women have emotional issues, men have them also and there may be something very valid that causes him to react this way.

I've never had to deal with my DH not being agreeable to a birth plan but I feel that just b/c a partner isn't agreeable doesn't mean we should get so tied up in ourselves and the baby. The baby does need and/or want a father and as much as you should avoid high stress, you should also nurture your marriage as much as possible also.
post #18 of 103
wow...i am so sorry. that sounds soo hard. i hope you are able to find a place to gestate in peace for the remainder of your pregnancy.
post #19 of 103
My husband had similar reactions to my first pregnancy and we came to realize that he was afraid! Perhaps even terrified. All of my fears about the pregnancy were magnified onto him and it manifested as anger and some resentment. Now that the baby is born the fear is gone and he can't stay away from her.
post #20 of 103
Your husband is not divorcing you over a homebirth. He sounds like he has (and the two of you have) serious issues, the least of which is a birth that hasnt even happened yet.
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