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Hubby wants a divorce over HB - Page 2

post #21 of 103
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JessasMilkMama View Post
Your husband is not divorcing you over a homebirth. He sounds like he has (and the two of you have) serious issues, the least of which is a birth that hasnt even happened yet.
i realize this, obviously, but he fails to admit there are other problems. EX: total lack of communication! since i posted this, we did talk about it and he did tell me that he planned on divorcing me if i went through with the homebirth since he "didn't feel comfortable being married to someone that would put her and her childs life in danger this way". we talked more and i told him that i wish i could make him feel more comfortable with my decision but i couldn't do that if he wasn't willing to listen. i don't think he is actually going to divorce me now since i feel the convo took a turn for the better at the end. i'm bascially going to disappear for a day or so and come back with a new babe. wish me luck!
post #22 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by KatelynsMomma View Post
"didn't feel comfortable being married to someone that would put her and her childs life in danger this way".
This really sounds like he has heard too many AMA rants about 'how homebirths are unsafe'.... but has he educated himself (or have you offered) on homebirth safety.
Has he sat down with midwife and talked about normal birth, what your, her and his role is? And what the procedure is *if* an emergency occurs.

This really sounds like it can be turned around with simple education.
post #23 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by KatelynsMomma View Post
we did talk about it and he did tell me that he planned on divorcing me if i went through with the homebirth since he "didn't feel comfortable being married to someone that would put her and her childs life in danger this way".
"Obstetrical Myths vs. Research Realities" plus a few studies on the safety of homebirth would be essential reading. I'd be tempted to say "I don't feel comfortable being married to someone that would put his wife and child in danger by blackmailing his wife into a hospital birth based on ignorant assumptions and NO actual research."

I wouldn't want him at the birth, but you may want to consider filming it in case you want to show him later.
post #24 of 103
One thing that I would do here is ask my mother, as well as other relatives, to refer my husband back to me if he has questions about my plans. To not answer those questions for him.
post #25 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by KatelynsMomma View Post
we did talk about it and he did tell me that he planned on divorcing me if i went through with the homebirth since he "didn't feel comfortable being married to someone that would put her and her childs life in danger this way".
If my husband ever said this to me I would have then told him that I do not feel comfortable being married to someone who does not support me and my decision on where to have our baby. Your husband really needs some education on homebirth. The only person besides the midwife that I wanted at my birth was my husband. I can't imagine not having my husband with me. He should be loving and supporting you during this time and through the birth not saying he wants a divorce.

Take Care,
Lisa
post #26 of 103
Thread Starter 
OK--some of you are missing the point here. he won't do any research or read any info I have to offer on homebirth so i have basically given up on that idea. i packed TBOBB in his bag when he went away and told him that he should watch it and he didn't. i'm not going to force. plus, i feel that if he is soooo close-minded, why should it be my job to push, pry, poke, etc. so he feels secure? if he wanted to feel better about this he would read my info on it. his reasons for a hospital birth are simple.....everyone else does it! i don't think he even knew that people ever have homebirths nowadays before i brought it up.

good idea about taping the birth so he could watch it later if he wants!!! thanks so much!!!
post #27 of 103
Hugs--I'm sorry you're going through all this. I agree with the PP who said you should go for individual counseling even if he won't go--this is too much to have on your shoulders, and posting here (or on any internet message board) is just going to end up getting responses that will be annoying to you and maybe not tremendously supportive. Have you talked to your MW about all this? Mine always wanted to know how my life was in general throughout my pregnancy and wanted me to tell her if anything was stressing me out.

Good luck!
post #28 of 103
If he's threatening to divorce you over homebirthing, then there are a LOT of underlying problems here! I can assure you that your birth plans are NOT the cause of the problems, even if they are a trigger for things or a focus of the fighting.

The real problems are issues with trust, respect, and control, and possibly some fear as well. It sounds like he's trying to control you, and doesn't trust or respect your ability to make sound choices for yourself and your baby. There may be fear underneath that- his fears of stepping out out of the expected "normal", perhaps his fear for your safety, his own fears of being a good provider, etc.

The issue is NOT that he won't let you homebirth and is so against it that he wants to divorce you. The issue is that you can't communicate- he won't listen to why homebirth is so important to you, nor can he tell you why he's so against it- if so, you'd be able to help him work through his concerns, and possibly one or both of you would be willing to make compromises for the other.

If you change your birthing plans to please him, when he's making ZERO effort to understand your POV, you'll likely resent him for it for years to come. It will probably cause more long-term problems in the relationship than going ahead with your homebirth plans with him dead-set against it. When the birth is over and you're both healthy, he may come around. If you compromise your safe birth for his fears, you'll probably resent him for a very long time and he'll never truly understand what the big deal was.

Even if he files for divorce after your sucessful HB, you can be confident that you put your baby's health ahead of your husband's irrational fears, and anybody so closed-minded about this topic isn't somebody you're really compatible with anyway.
post #29 of 103
First of all, hang in there. I'm so sad for you that you have to go through this.

Just curious...how does your mom feel about your HB? If she disapproves, it's possible she exaggerated her conversation with your husband hoping you might change your mind??
post #30 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
One thing that I would do here is ask my mother, as well as other relatives, to refer my husband back to me if he has questions about my plans. To not answer those questions for him.
I was going to mention something similar. I would tell my Mother to please respect boundaries & refuse to discuss personal matters. This is between your husband & you.

I'm glad to hear he has at least communicated some with you, but he obviously has issues in that department, & needs to come to you, not go to your Mom or someone else.

He sounds very set in his ways, & for me personally, I would be highly offended if my husband didn't have enough trust in me to make a sound decision....perhaps counseling is in order for you to be able to handle his issues. That being said, I would only see someone who is not brainwashed in the birth system, & is knowledgeable in natural parenting.

My thoughts & prayers are with you....
post #31 of 103
Wow, mama. I say 'good riddance' to him, and counseling for just you to make sure you can make better choices about partners (or lack of) in future.

Sheesh!
post #32 of 103
Sounds like he's just looking for a reason, any reason. kwim?

I second the counselling comment, it can help.

Hugs,

Andrea
post #33 of 103
I am really surprised that nobody else is naming this as the emotional abuse that it is. It's totally unacceptable, beyond just 'Try counseling!'
post #34 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unoppressed MAMA Q View Post
I am really surprised that nobody else is naming this as the emotional abuse that it is. It's totally unacceptable, beyond just 'Try counseling!'
Probably because many of us have had "discussions" over homebirth that were almost that bad.
post #35 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emmeline II View Post
Probably because many of us have had "discussions" over homebirth that were almost that bad.
Yup. After reading this thread I am thankful that while my husband will never be comfortable with the idea of homebirth, he certainly isn't going to divorce me over it...he may think it's a terrible idea, but he respects my right to make a decision that I believe is a smart one and that he has no real say in it, even if he disagrees. What kind of marriage would we have if I bowed down to whatever he wanted even though he had nothing to back it up, and I had truckloads of support on my side? I'm not that kind of wife.

OP I am so very sorry all this is happening to you when you should be Gestating In Peace. I truly wish you and your baby the best...and may I be so bold as to say that I don't think any of us, yourself included, will shed a tear when this childish, closeminded man finally leaves your life.
post #36 of 103
Best wishes on your birth. I don't have advice really...just thinking of you and sending you warm wishes for the gentle home birth your looking for.
post #37 of 103
post #38 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by KatelynsMomma View Post
thanks mamas! i know we have MAJOR communication issues in our marriage and he refuses to see a counselor or even a conversation with me in general. he likes to totally avoid conflict to "keep the peace" but it just ends up making matters worse, especially when I hear things 'through the grapevine' like this! i wasn't planning on his support or prescence for the birth so I am prepared to do this alone in any event. keep me in your thoughts/prayers!
If you have time before the birth, see if you can get counselling to see how to deal with him. My second husband was like that- didn't want to talk, and after 3 months of marriage, told me one morning the marriage was over, he said he should have told me earlier, but didn't have the guts. I found another place to live, (with 2 kids) and he paid for the divorce. I still don't know what triggered it, nor does his family..and his family still loves us and has us over for visits....Wierd, huh?
PS, I am FAR better off now, happy, with a great husband who I have been married to for almost 7 years! So there is hope. But get thru the rest of this pg in peace, even for yourself, it will help you and the baby, and PLEASE have your homebirth! It's so worth it!
post #39 of 103
Divorce isn't always bad. I can't imagine being married to someone like that. He doesn't deserve a wife.
post #40 of 103
Could you cross post this in parents as partners? I think Ruthla and the others have hit the nail on the head, this goes way beyond anything with homebirthing.
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