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Hubby wants a divorce over HB - Page 3

post #41 of 103
Why not try a compromise? Birth center, maybe? I'm all for home birth, don't get me wrong. My husband said "absolutely not" when I brought up home birth the first time. I worked on him for months and he finally changed is mind when he was able to sit down with the midwife and ask her everything he wondered about.

While I DO understand the whole "It's my body, I'll do what I want." factor.... a marriage is not about what just one person wants. It never is. And this goes BOTH ways. I believe if any partner is 100% against something, a compromise of sorts should be made.

I'm glad my husband changed his mind. He really was terrified about home birth and I wouldn't have wanted to make him uncomfortable by doing it if he would be scared the whole time. I had an amazing home birth because he was well prepared and supportive. Had he not been on board... well... i'm just so glad he was.

What if your husband said "Yes, we are giving the baby the hepatitis B vaccine, circumcising, *insert something you are against here*." and then told you that you had absolutely no say? That is essentially what you are doing to him over homebirth.

Divorcing you over it is wrong... he obviously isn't communication well. But why does what you want trump what he wants?
post #42 of 103
Probably because he refuses to make an educated decision, but it's a knee-jerk reaction that appears to have many deeper issues. With me, anyone who refuses to educate themselves and stay bull-headed dosn't get a say in the decision making. There's room for discussion if both sides are discussed, but what if the other person refuses to do that? Some things are too important and one has to lean a direction. I wanted a homebirth off the bat, dh didn't want to pay for it and it didn't seem like insurance would pay up, so I compromised by going to the local freestanding birth center (which would cost the same as a hospital birth), even though it was stressful every time. Thankfully it looks like insurance will come through and it's a go for the HB. However, for the OP, perhaps it's her safety and comfort and that of her child that she feels that home is safest, all of which should come first in a pregnancy.

If there's no freestanding birth center nearby, what compromise is there? A hospital? That's not a compromise. Even if she did up and decide to go to the hospital, would he still want a divorce? Again, there's deeper issues here at work.
post #43 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by thefragile7393 View Post
Probably because he refuses to make an educated decision, but it's a knee-jerk reaction that appears to have many deeper issues. With me, anyone who refuses to educate themselves and stay bull-headed dosn't get a say in the decision making. There's room for discussion if both sides are discussed
:
post #44 of 103
Thread Starter 
i totally feel the the same way as thefragile7393. if we had a birth center around here (scheduled to open within the next year), i would have considered it but since we don't, that compromise won't work. the only compromise i came up with was to birth in the hospital if he agreed to go and TALK to a marriage counselor but he wasn't open to that idea either since "there is nothing wrong" with him. tonight has held even more excitement.....i'm not going there though since i am getting dangerously close to going into labor from stress! thanks for all of your input!
post #45 of 103
post #46 of 103
I've wondered how you were doing. I hope you two get on the road to figuring out what your problems are (the least of which is where you'll give birth).
post #47 of 103
That makes sense, I wasn't looking at it from that POV. I'm sorry. And I am sorry that he won't communicate. There are definitely issues there. Try and relax. I hope he comes to his senses.
post #48 of 103
thing is, i wouldn't consider a birth center as a safe compromise, nor do i think there should be a compromise if i'm the one who has to go through the birth and could be potentially injured in the process just because someone is afraid and unwilling to educate themselves.

fears don't trump realities of injury and potential problems coming from birthing where one doesn't feel safe and supported, and "being married" doesn't imply that an individual doesn't have soveriegnty over their own body and medical choices.

sure, i think that communication is very important, that each person should be heard, but in the end--the individual physically goign through the process with their body, their whole being, gets to make the decision.

it's not fair to 'force' someone to compromise just because you're scared and uneducated.
post #49 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
thing is, i wouldn't consider a birth center as a safe compromise, nor do i think there should be a compromise if i'm the one who has to go through the birth and could be potentially injured in the process just because someone is afraid and unwilling to educate themselves.

fears don't trump realities of injury and potential problems coming from birthing where one doesn't feel safe and supported, and "being married" doesn't imply that an individual doesn't have soveriegnty over their own body and medical choices.

sure, i think that communication is very important, that each person should be heard, but in the end--the individual physically goign through the process with their body, their whole being, gets to make the decision.

it's not fair to 'force' someone to compromise just because you're scared and uneducated.
agreed x 1000.
the same way i would agree if she was trying to force him into something that had to do with his body that he wasnt ok with.
post #50 of 103
How about if you went to a place that had a birth center and lived there until the birth? We have three birth centers here in MD. Got any friends here?
post #51 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by StrawHatBrat View Post
Why not try a compromise? Birth center, maybe? I'm all for home birth, don't get me wrong. My husband said "absolutely not" when I brought up home birth the first time. I worked on him for months and he finally changed is mind when he was able to sit down with the midwife and ask her everything he wondered about.

While I DO understand the whole "It's my body, I'll do what I want." factor.... a marriage is not about what just one person wants. It never is. And this goes BOTH ways. I believe if any partner is 100% against something, a compromise of sorts should be made.
:

It's really a shame he went to your mom and said such horrible things, but couldn't you have kept him involved in your plans?

Maybe it would have been better if he was in the loop before your mother. If my partner went and changed our birth plans without me knowing and I heard it from his parents for the first time, I could see myself reacting the same way as your husband. Granted I'm the one who's pregnant, but it's still our child—not his parents, not his friends—ours.

That said, my husband was terrified of the idea of not going to a hospital at first. He's not stupid—just a firm believer of doing things safely and protective of those he loves. I can't fault him for that. I am the same way.

So I made a compromise. I told him I'd consider a hospital birth but only if he watched some Youtube births with me (both hospital and natural) and if he came with me to a birthing center's open house. He agreed to it. Now he's very excited and confident that we are going through the birthing center.
post #52 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by StrawHatBrat View Post
Divorcing you over it is wrong... he obviously isn't communication well. But why does what you want trump what he wants?
Ummm, because SHE is the one who gives birth, not him? This seems obvious to me.
post #53 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Lil_Mamma View Post
So I made a compromise. I told him I'd consider a hospital birth but only if he watched some Youtube births with me (both hospital and natural) and if he came with me to a birthing center's open house. He agreed to it. Now he's very excited and confident that we are going through the birthing center.
Again, if there's no birthing center nearby? Free-standing birth centers aren't a dime a dozen in the US, and many hospitals even call their L&D areas "Birthing Centers." Heck, even some women don't feel safe at one anyway. This time I sure didn't--their rules and regulations make it almost impossible to birth there again.
post #54 of 103
I am certain that I am in the minority here, but if my DH were SO uncomfortable with a homebirth, and willing to be open minded, I wouldn't have one. But that's just how I tick.

HOWEVER, this is obviously not about discomfort, Threatening divorce IS abusive, and I'd stand my ground or this may become a pattern - him saying "I'll divorce you" and you relent

If he can't "fight fair" don't fight

best wishes
post #55 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by thefragile7393 View Post
Again, if there's no birthing center nearby? Free-standing birth centers aren't a dime a dozen in the US, and many hospitals even call their L&D areas "Birthing Centers." Heck, even some women don't feel safe at one anyway. This time I sure didn't--their rules and regulations make it almost impossible to birth there again.
With all due respect, I didn't know if OP has BCs near her or not, but that isn't totally my point.

If we didn't have a BC near us, I'd at least see if DH would meet and "grill" midwives with me with the idea introducing him to "both sides." Likewise, I'd tour hospitals he may suggest. The idea is to expose him to natural birthing respectfully—not force him or trick him into it or make him feel like an idiot bc he's afraid of it. You never win that way. No one does.

Yes, birthing impacts a mother's body, but it also impacts the baby. That baby isn't just the mother's but her partner's, too—not the grandparents or the parents' friends. Unless you are separated or in an abusive relationship (which should end in separation), it is not cool not to cut your partner out and it's not cool to drag others in. It's pretty much taking all parenting power away from your partner, and that kind of thing is very destructive to a relationship.
post #56 of 103
Wow, I am so sorry! That seems pretty over the top. I agree with MeepyCat, and JessasMilkMama. I hope you get this figured out. You don't need more stress! Be gentle with yourself, okay?
post #57 of 103
Just representin' that any DH of mine can hop on board or watch my fly train leave the station. I am totally capable of making informed health decisions for our family. OP, I believe you are too!

My DH was actually MORE comfortable with HB than me even. What he wasn't that comfortable with was a male OB 'examining' my Yoni!

I do feel that I would try to compromise with a DH who was being reasonable and having a discussion that involved facts, but that is it! It is hard enough to have a natural birth in a culture that does not support that choice w/o a DH who is just responding emotionally all up in your grill. If he is like this about HB, I would be REALLY reluctant to allow him to be my L&D Coach, kwim?
post #58 of 103
I don't think this is about the birth. This is about control. He wants absolute control...no ifs, ands, or buts. For me that does not represent a healthy relationship. I'd be thinking seriously about staying in such a relationship.
post #59 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Lil_Mamma View Post

Unless you are separated or in an abusive relationship (which should end in separation), it is not cool not to cut your partner out and it's not cool to drag others in.
The OP is in an abusive relationship. Her partner is emotionally abusive.
post #60 of 103
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unoppressed MAMA Q View Post
The OP is in an abusive relationship. Her partner is emotionally abusive.
Yes, threatening a divorce is abusive, but based on what OP said in her original post I could see it being an understandable reaction as it sounds like maybe there was abuse on both ends.

We don't know all of OP's background, but it appears her husband's input and feelings weren't included the birth plans and he didn't even know everything that was going on until he talked to her mother. While maybe he didn't reach out to her, there was no reason she couldn't have talked to him—even if he didn't seem thrilled about it.

While our bodies are a big part of birthing, I can't imagine making decisions about it without being sure our partners are 100% educated and on board. That only happens from communication, and it has to be both parties talking AND listening.

If OP pretty much overruled her dh on everything without giving him a say or meeting him part-way, I could understand where his anger is coming from.

In that sense, his statement about divorce may not be abuse. It could be two other things:

A) a last ditch resort to protecting his child (in his eyes) bc he doesn't know all the facts and his fears were never heard out.

Or

B) Not a threat, but an actual promise.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but this is possibly where OP's husband's mindset is.

BTW, none of this means that OP or her husband are bad people or need to divorce. It sounds like there's major miscommunications, fear, and hurt going on, and both parties need to back down and recognize that. It would be good for them to sit down together and talk and listen—without any outside influence (family, friends, etc) with the exception of maybe a therapist.
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