[QUOTE=KBecks;11753544]Perhaps I'm an optimist but I don't see why step parents can't be like adoptive parents. I don't see why a stepchild can't be able to say, I have two parents and one or two step parents -- and they are all loving, supportive, and care about me. I'm so lucky! [quote]
I agree with you... I think that would be the most positive and healthy way to look at the situation... However, when I mentioned that on this forum before, a lot of the other Mother's quickly put me in my place and said I would better understand when I have my own child that it's not acceptable for someone else to parent your child.
As my child is not born yet... I cannot say if my mind will change then... but as of now, I'm also a realist and the situation is the child has two homes, therfore two families, and multile parents.
A tag line I saw here once and I wish more parents beleived... "A parent can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than one parent?"
But my ideal world would be to be loved as a Mother by my DSD as I do all the things a Mother would do for any child for her. I helped potty train her, I helped teach her to brush her teeth, I give her baths and make her dinners, kiss boo-boos, read stories, play with dolls and in the kitchen, have water balloon fights, stay up until crazy hours in the morning getting things ready for her birthday party, and to play Santa...
And then we are told we have no business doing most of that as we are not the Mother... I for one appreciate your optimism and wish more shared the same outlook.
|Lastly to spin it positive, I think it's more important to focus on what you are in a relationship, and not what you're not. If you are not the parent, then, define what you are and focus on what you can do and give and offer to the family team rather on what you can't or won't.
I think that is a really hard thing for Step-Mothers to figure out... our role is not always defined and it can change all the time as the child grows and their personality/needs/wants change. We don't have a set role in the house.
For example, my Aunt... she raised my cousin from 1 years old after her Mother walked out on them.... the Mother came back into the picture more and more, and by time she was a pre-teen, my cousin decided she only wanted to interact with her Mother and wanted absolutely nothing to do with her step-mother. It killed my Aunt. She had been raising this child as her own for years, and as soon as Mom was back in the picture she was brused aside like yesterday's trash.
Also... if you are given a certain role by your DH but the ex is constantly in the child's ear bringing you down... the child doesn't respect that role anyway...
So, it really isn't as easy as you say it is...
Originally Posted by Laggie
Maybe after you spend hours researching daycamps for your stepkid, take 1.5 hours off your workday to drive her to the best one in town (which you paid for), and then have her scream "She's NOT my MOM" when you go to pick her up, you'll have an inkling of what it's like. How about all the work of being a parent but with none of the love or appreciation? Sound fun?
Precisely... it hurts. And in my own opinion, none of the parents should let the child be that disrespectful. Teach them tact and respect.
I spent hours cleaning, cooking, decorating, getting ready for DSD's birthday party... was up ridiculously late, while being pregnant too... Did it matter? Nope... DSD didn't even want me to sit by her that day and then complained about not having enough presents.
I come from a large family and have been around tons of kids, as well as remembering my own childhood and that of my sisters.... I cannot recall a child ever not letting a parent sit next to them on their birthday... usually they are thrilled and happy...
I continue to love DSD, and continue doing things for her.... I have learned to accept that anything I do is crap and anything her Mom does is the only thing that really matters... but I am a Mom in this house and I will continue being that way. *shrugs* But that doesn't mean I don't have my low moments and that it hurts like heck at times.