Virtues Parenting - Page 9

[sunnysandiegan]

Welcome Super Glue Mommy!

I love what you said aways up about "control" and cooperation, etc. I can totally relate!

We have the book and my DD loves this book. In her words, LOL, "It disciplines parents." She and I took turns reading the sections before the virtues aloud and then Daddy read those sections to himself with us in the room. Then, I had the book in my lap and we had an open discussion about all of those concepts with DD (age 7) more or less guiding the discussion. WOW! That was a really good turning point for our family dynamics. DD is feeling much more heard and understood and her behavior has come a LONG way, Baby! So has ours (DH & I), according to DD.

That was back in December or January (on her winter break from school) and we have not started with the specific virtues as the book guides one to do. However, we have kept up with the general concepts presented. I think it is time for us to get the cards and start a proactive game plan for the specific virtues now.

[Super Glue Mommy]

thanks! we have been working on this since I started posting here. Gentleness and consideration seem to come up a lot... and sometimes helpfulness... but helpfulness is something my son has always been good about anyway. consideration is a tough one for him because he doesn't understand other people's personal space at all (ASD). DD is REALLY picking up on the gentleness. When she starts to hit I stop her and tell her to use her gentleness. she starts petting the person nicely saying "Gentle gentle gentle"

also, doing better with using time in. it's tough to impliment sometimes, but when I am able to I get way better results then with time out.

today though, my daughter was jumping on me and instead of using that as a chance to teach about consideration I said "stop jumping on me!" she went from laughing to crying and walked into the other room. I apologized for hurting her feelings. I felt terrible

we've also been using kindness.

[PrennaMama]

Long time no see....

Hello Virtues Parents! I have been gone for a long time... I am so glad to see that folks are still here, checking out Virtues Parenting.

My own Steadfastness in Virtues Parenting was tested last winter, and I needed to take a break from my online communications.

My husband and I have divorced, and the circumstances were very unfortunate.

But through the storm of emotions, I stayed Steadfast with my gentle parenting, and worked very hard to cultivate a loving and supportive atmosphere for Prenna as we transition through these hard times.

The divorce was finalized March 23, exactly 2.5 years from our wedding date.

Some of the things that stick out as valuable and notable from this whole experience:

1. A child's concept of their own ability to navigate through change and trauma is very malleable, and the slightest mis-step can undermine the very core of the foundation of Virtue... I have had to strive extra carefully to maintain a level of honesty, patience, understanding, and support with her in the face of the "good-time dad", as well as remain supportive of HIS parenting, in ways that enable HIM to remember what parenting is, what it looks like, and what we have set out to provide for our child.
2. As she transitions into her new life, and observes other children (many of whom have older siblings and main-stream families whose lives are extremely different from hers), she "tries on" phrases and behaviors, some of which I really have had to work around. I use the most challenging moments as opportunities to accept her experimentation first, and then follow up with a process of inquiry as to what Virtues are involved, aren't involved, or ought to be involved.
3. When things go really south, and they do... I am firm with her about using the Virtues inside of her... I might remind her "I suspect there is a Virtue here that is not being used... Would you consider taking a minute to reflect on how you want things to go and what Virtues are involved in that?" She sometimes gets pretty frustrated, but will invariably walk away, reflect, and sometimes comes to me with a hug, an I love you, and even sometimes what Virtue she has decided to use. I usually respond that even just coming up and being loving after a conflict shows that she has HUGE Virtues, and is very grown-up, using her Virtues without being prompted.
4. The no-prompt acknowledgement has been epic. I find myself saying things like "I didn't know you were already using that Virtue, that Virtue is _______." And "You were really using your _______ and I didn't have to ask you or remind you. Wow, hon! That's really thinking!"
5. Lastly, when I am having my own hard time, being patient or kind or peaceful, etc, I OWN it. I usually let her know, "I am running out of my patience" or something, ask her to give me some space, and then take a moment to calm down. Then I speak to her about it. I TELL her outright, "Mama has had a hard time today. Thank you so much for using your understanding, and giving me some space... I love you too much to yell at you and I really don't like feeling impatient with you, so when you give me space, it gives me time to build up my patience (etc) again... I am so sorry to have hurt your feelings (if feelings were hurt by a frustrated mama) and I want to know what you think we can do to work on that?" One break thru conversation involved Prenna telling me outright that if I seemed to be losing my temper, she would hold up her hand like a stop, and say "Mama, remember we talked about being steadfast in our Virtues? Do you need a minute?" She is a genius! It has happened... it works. Giving her a voice and a say in how we handle our conflicts has really had an impact on our relationship... it's amazing.

I hope you are all well and that you continue to find inspiration in the Virtues... I look forward to more communication... and the Facebook group WILL be up and running in the next few days.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED in joining a Facebook Virtues Parenting group, please click on the Facebook link in my signature and add me as a friend, with a note re; Mothering or Virtues.

Thank you!

See you soon!

Tara

[holyhelianthus]

Tara~ I just wanted to tell you that I think you are a beautiful spirit and so much so that it even radiates over the internet

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been sick from this pregnancy and so it has been really hard to keep up with the virtues. We had wanted to do it once a week for a year but that has not happened. So we are starting again today and are just letting it be meaning learning a new virtue hopefully weekly but mainly when we can. I also bough A Pace Of Grace but have yet to read it.

Anywho I just wanted to bump this wonderful thread and also update.

[holyhelianthus]

Bumping!

[LionTigerBear]

Just ordered the book-- also "A Pace of Grace". I started talking to my kids about virtues and so far it's been working pretty well. They are 3 and 5. Very interested to see where this might take us . . .

[Harmony08]

Hello,

I just read the whole thread. Thank you thank you thank you!

I think Prenna has one good mama

[suzywan]

Subbing. This sounds awesome!

[treehugz]

Subbing too... I'm just starting with the virtues. Anybody planning to do the one-a-week plan for the 52 virtues in 2010? I was thinking my dh and I could read through them together and then we could focus on that virtue with our 22 month dd during the week.

[pumpkinseed]

The virtue a week sounds fantastic! I am on board. Do you have a "list" of 52 virtues? I still want to order the book but haven't yet. We kind of winged it last year and it was great-then she hit 4 and everything flew out the window Hopefully this will get us back on track and back to practicing our favorite one "respect"

[Tjej]

I have the book from Amazon in my cart just waiting for me to check out . Maybe I will this afternoon!

Tjej

[treehugz]

here's the list from the family virtues guide (fvg)... i think we'll start alphabetically, beginning with assertiveness tonight and this week... that seems like a great place for us anyway. anyone have any suggestions for ways to talk with my 22mo dd about assertiveness?? the fvg seems mostly geared toward older kids on this topic... or maybe i'm just clueless about that virtue anyway!

1 assertiveness
2 caring
3 cleanliness
4 compassion
5 confidence
6 consideration
7 courage
8 courtesy
9 creativity
10 detachment
11 determination
12 enthusiasm
13 excellence
14 faithfulness
15 flexibility
16 forgiveness
17 friendliness
18 generosity
19 gentleness
20 helpfulness
21 honesty
22 honor
23 humility
24 idealism
25 joyfulness
26 justice
27 kindness
28 love
29 loyalty
30 mercy
31 moderation
32 modesty
33 obedience
34 orderliness
35 patience
36 peacefulness
37 prayerfulness
38 purposefulness
39 reliability
40 respect
41 responsibility
42 reverence
43 self-discipline
44 service
45 steadfastness
46 tact
47 thankfulness
48 tolerance
49 trust
50 trustworthiness
51 truthfulness
52 unity

[Tjej]

Well, I think the approach depends on their temperament. If the child is naturally very assertive, it could be about the definition and about being assertive in a nice way. If the child naturally hangs back and/or is a push-over, talking about what being assertive means and how it is good to say what you think. Something like"people like to hear what you think and it is important."

Tjej

[althara]

This is a great thread. I'm so glad it got revived.

With my daughter turning three soon, over the last few months I have been seeing a lot of attitude and behaviors that are not the kinds of things I feel comfortable with. Namely she's been ignoring me, yelling, demanding with "i want to"s, hitting or kick, and/or generally giving harsh negative responsiveness when someone is trying to be helpful or asking her a seemingly benign question.

I need to take some time to reflect on my own behaviors and actions to see what she is mirroring from me. I know some of it is mirroring because I have a tendency of getting frustrated and not adapting my responses. And I need think about what is being mirrored from other sources, mainly the teachers and kids at daycare. Once I've done that I'm going to start discussing virtues with her starting with calmness.

[pumpkinseed]

Originally Posted by Tjej

Well, I think the approach depends on their temperament. If the child is naturally very assertive, it could be about the definition and about being assertive in a nice way. If the child naturally hangs back and/or is a push-over, talking about what being assertive means and how it is good to say what you think. Something like"people like to hear what you think and it is important."

Tjej

This is great. I have a 19 month old and a 5 year old-so I will be using different approaches for the same virtue-trying to figure out how I will do this.

Althara-3 is so hard-I felt like I was a great gentle discipline parent up until 3-that is when it got really tricky-over the next 2 years I have had many "not the best mommy moments"-3 to 5 is so hard. Definitely find out what your triggers are-and work on the calmness surrounding these. I am still working at this

[joanna0707]

I've ordered The Family Virtues Guide on amazon, can't wait for it to arrive

treehugz my ds is about your dd's age, I think they are to small to understand what virtues are, I think at this age is more about teaching them the words, so I try to use a lot of Helpfulness, Cooperation, Respect etc.
once ds will gets closer to 3 I will try to explain what virtues are and then I can tell him how he was using them before, that they are already in him.

[althara]

Originally Posted by pumpkinseed

Althara-3 is so hard-I felt like I was a great gentle discipline parent up until 3-that is when it got really tricky-over the next 2 years I have had many "not the best mommy moments"-3 to 5 is so hard. Definitely find out what your triggers are-and work on the calmness surrounding these. I am still working at this

I'm definitely having a lot more "not the best mommy" moments. I think a lot of that is not using my own virtues of flexibility, helpfulness, and respect. I tend to fall into my parents' style of "because I said so" which is really never a good reason to do anything. I think that's partially a matter of their influence while we are living with them, but also partially a matter of not filling my tool-box with better tools. KWIM? So that's something for me to work on.

It's also a good reminder that no one is, or should be, perfect all the time. And boy do I need those reminders.

[treehugz]

Originally Posted by joanna0707

treehugz my ds is about your dd's age, I think they are to small to understand what virtues are, I think at this age is more about teaching them the words, so I try to use a lot of Helpfulness, Cooperation, Respect etc.
once ds will gets closer to 3 I will try to explain what virtues are and then I can tell him how he was using them before, that they are already in him.

Yeah, I agree... we're mainly using the book just for my dh and I, and then focusing on using the words with our dd... although I'm surprised by how much she seems to understand (like explaining what a virtue is) and how quickly she's picked up using the words herself (like telling me her patience is in her toes and that it's going to help her find something else to do while she waits for mama).

Originally Posted by Tjej

Well, I think the approach depends on their temperament. If the child is naturally very assertive, it could be about the definition and about being assertive in a nice way. If the child naturally hangs back and/or is a push-over, talking about what being assertive means and how it is good to say what you think. Something like"people like to hear what you think and it is important."

Tjej

Well, dd goes both ways. She is very passive around people/kids she doesn't know. She's too busy observing and trying to figure the other people out, I think, to notice or care that they just took a toy out of her hand or shoved her out of the way. But around immediate family she can be a little aggressive and begins to do what she's seen other kids do... for example, after hanging out with her cousins, she started saying "that's mine" and grabbing whatever out of my or dh's hand.

We've been doing some doll role-play every day this week to work on assertiveness. One example is to feed three of her dolls. We take turns and each one gets a bite, but then I'll take one of the dolls and it will jump in front of one of the others... so then I have the other doll explain, firmly but kindly, "hey, it's my turn right now. you have to wait your turn little baby." We do something similar when the dolls play and one steals a toy. Not sure if this is a good approach or if it's working.

A couple tips I found:
for toddlers: http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=736,
for older kids/adults: http://cmhc.utexas.edu/booklets/assert/assertive.html

[pumpkinseed]

How is everyone doing?

I finally got my book in today and am excited to start reading it.

[treehugz]

Yay, I love new book deliveries!

This is our week on cleanliness, which seems pretty straightforward. Last week was caring, which was also an easy one for us to find examples of. One new thing I'm working on... we check out a dozen or so board/picture books every week at the library, and as I read them I'm making a list of the books and any key virtues that are addressed. I think this will be a helpful resource for me to draw from as I'm going through the weeks... and I love books (and lists, lol) so it's fun for me. Then I can just go back to the library and get those books when there's a new virtue to work on.

If anyone has suggestions of good books showing a particular virtue, I'd love to add it to my list!