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"Now, why would you want to do that?!?"

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
I've got a new one folks! So, in my effort to be very nonchalant and happy about my homebirth, rather than lie to people or try to beat around the bush, I've gotten a new response. I was on the phone w/another nosy co-worker who of course, wanted to know where I was going to deliver.

Her: So, where are you delivering?
Me: What? Where?
Her: Yes, where?
Me: **excited** Well, I'm working with a midwife. If all goes well I'm hoping to deliver this little one at home! **excited**
Her: Really? .... Now, why would you want to do that?!?
Me: Well, honestly I just think it will be wonderful!
Her: *stammering for some sort of response* [mentions doctors, machines, etc]
Me: So, yeah, I'll have to come to your building and see you soon, I'm getting huge!
Her: Yeah, we need to see you! I bet you're getting so big!

I think honestly, people just don't know what to say. Changing the subject was the BEST thing I could have done. I don't need to hear anything negative anymore! *fingers in my ears* LALALALALALALA!
post #2 of 27
give her this link....
post #3 of 27
That's a good link Orchidez!

And that's too funny Carrie! I love the way you handled that.
post #4 of 27
I know what you mean. The question I'm getting almost daily now is "do you know what you are having?" OMG I am soooo sick of people asking, not to mention I think it's a tad personal but I am always with my 2 girls and son so I guess it's a common question but it's annoying me to the end! But my midwives don't do ultrasound so unless there is something wrong and a need for an ultrasound, we don't get them, so don't find out until birth. But I don't feel the need to stand there and tell every stranger on earth that so i never do but I'm getting so sick of the question. Whenever I'm with friends who know I'm having a hb, they just wait and look at me for my reply and giggle to themselves! ug! Then when I say "no" , they always always ask, "Oh you want it to be a surprise, how wonderful". It's like they just can't settle for no, I don't know know. I just am sick of having to stop and answer questions for everyone else. I have a busy enough time with my 3 kids going to a store etc, I don't need to stop and have a conversation with some stranger.....ug. I can't even imagine if I brought up hb. I have had a stranger ask where i was delivering but I gave him a mouthful (I was preggers with my 2nd then).

anyways, kind of off topic, but kind of not. the reason behind my "no" is because of a homebirth, if i were in the medical care and had an ultrasound this time I would want to find out but we aren't and I just wish others could accept that you know? it's getting so annoying...
post #5 of 27
Thread Starter 
^ I hear that too, the whole "Do you know what you're having?" In my case I do know, but I don't just jump out there and tell them, I simply say, "Yes" and if they look like they're waiting to find out, I'll be like, "Oh, did you want to know?"


Even the Fedex guy and the mailman at my job wanted to know what I'm having. Is it any of their business? I mean, really?

Haha, talk about rude, this one guy I work with casually asked me how I was feeling one day, and I was like, fine. Then he goes, "Are you eating a lot? Are you peeing a lot?" I was just dumbfounded! That's so personal!!!
post #6 of 27
*giggles* Excellent tactic!

Alternatively, there have GOT to be a ton of smart-alec answers to that question that would also make someone stammer. Alas and alack, I am not creative enough to come up with them. Which is a shame, because I am brat enough to use them.

girlsmamma2 - My answer to the "What are you having?" question is - "We're hoping for human."
post #7 of 27
^^ I was totally just gonna say, when someone asks I would just say something smartass like, well I know it's not a spidermonkey, but other than that, who knows!
post #8 of 27
Ha, I actually said "Well, Dh really wants kittens, but I'm partial to a little chimpanzee myself." to someone!!! Should have SEEN the look on their face!

Or I'll content myself with "Well, yes of course we'll find out, I mean, when s/he comes out it'll be pretty obvious I should think."
post #9 of 27
^People will ask what we were hoping for. This is after I tell them I'm having a girl. So I always just say, "A baby."
post #10 of 27
Thread Starter 
Oh, yeah! I've gotten that too! When I say it's a girl they're like, "Is that what you wanted?"

WTF? I wanted a BABY, I don't care if it's a boy or a girl!
post #11 of 27
Hehe... my dentist was asking me really personal things like that the other day while CLEANING MY TEETH. Try explaining all that with someones hands in your mouth.
post #12 of 27
DH's cousin asked me this weekend if we were going to choose when to have this baby. At first I had no idea what she was talking about because I haven't really had any crazy questions like that. I told her I wasn't sure what she meant and she said, "Well, you know, like how some people pick a day" so I finally figured out she meant being induced. I kind of laughed it off and said, "No, no, no, we'll be letting this little come spontaneously!" She didn't judge or anything, she just genuinely wanted to know if we were going to pick our delivery date. Huh.
post #13 of 27
I have gotten some interesting responses too - but I look at it as half the fun
post #14 of 27
I think her response was fair. Doesn't sound like she was being mean, Its probably something she never really put much thought into before!

I understand why you wouldn't want people asking you personal questions, but I like it. Its my first baby and I like getting asked "do you know what your having?" I'm kind of dissapointed actually at how polite strangers are. Everyone is scared to ask about the baby for fear your not actually pregnant. (even though its obvious- everyone has heard horror stories)

We don't know if its a boy or girl, but I still like telling people its going to be a surpise They ask what we're hoping for and I just say the tried and true "happy & healthy" and that my gut feeling is a girl. I think i'm just so excited about the whole thing I like talking about it on the rare occasion someone else brings it up. I don't have a lot of girlfriends or co-workers, and I don't see family much, so random people are ok with me.
post #15 of 27
You know the one thing that annoys me (and my husband) is that when we tell people we are having a boy it is very common for people to say: well your HUSBAND must be excited. It assumes of course that he'd be less excited for a girl, and that I would be more excited for a girl. Which is very, very strange to me.

Apart from that I don't really mind all of the questions. I think it's a nice form of social interaction that people express interest and concern for pregnant women. Some people express it a bit awkwardly, but I think it's nice for them to try to say something nice rather than just avoid the topic.

Also, I have come to expect people to not understand why I'd want to go with a birthing center birth. I try to be patient and explain that I want to try to minimize my chances of getting a c-section and that the interventions in a hospital setting maximize these chances. And people generally tend to be pretty accepting of that. And plus, I find that I've been surprised by some people being very supportive and in a group of people that can be very helpful for winning over or neutralizing the impact of someone that has an issue with it.

The thing that I don't tolerate is the horror stories. If people start I usually just interrupt and say I am sorry to hear that that person had a difficult birth, but I'd rather not hear about that right now. Usually they get the message.
post #16 of 27
Thread Starter 
As for my original post, I guess it was more her tone than anything else. She was more like, "Now, why would you want to do that?!?"

Like it was disgusting and unheard of. Very inappropriate given how cheerful and excited I was when I told her what I was doing.

Originally Posted by mjd139 View Post
I try to be patient and explain that I want to try to minimize my chances of getting a c-section and that the interventions in a hospital setting maximize these chances.
This is FABULOUS. I LOVE this response. How amazing would it have been if instead of changing the subject or saying something like, "Oh I just think it would be wonderful," I said what you said above? That would shut her up AND give actual information.
post #17 of 27
I got this the other night. From MIL. Wasn't that fun? She thought we were joking at first about birthing at home. Then she asked why in the world we would do that when we have health insurance, don't we want to be in a nice sterile hospital, I should go to Dr. Q who would never give a woman an unnecessary C-section, she knows soandso and soandso who delivered there babies naturally at the hospital and loved it there... etc etc...

She means well, just has never thought outside the mainstream box and the thought of birthing outside a hospital is completely foreign to her. Sigh. I'm frustrated, not because basically DH's whole family is going to feel the same way, but because homebirthing is so unfamiliar to them that they just aren't educated on it, and I'll have to be the one trying to explain everything.
post #18 of 27
When I mentioned a homebirth to my family, before I was pregnant with this baby, they all gasped. My one sister even said, "Oh my gosh, why would you want to do that? Why on earth would you RISK that??????" I tried to educate them, then got pissed off and frustrated and walked away, they were all so ignorant about it. Funny most of it was coming from the sister who's never had a baby and who I know for a fact has never done any research on birth period, let alone a homebirth.
post #19 of 27
Thread Starter 
At my childbirth class this week we talked about our psychological issues and/or anything that was giving us pause about our births. I talked about how we hadn't told my family (Chris's family does know) that we are homebirthing. It really does give me huge hang ups b/c I don't want it to be this big huge secret, but on the other hand I really don't want to deal with their responses. If I had even an inkling that they would be supportive, then I would just throw caution to the wind and tell them, but I don't feel like they would be on our side at all. Lesley (the woman running the class) posed the idea of just not telling them before the birth at all, and after she's born call up and annouce that they have a new grand-daughter. I just don't know if that feels right either, completely leaving them out.

Ugh, I'm torn. And this was really O/T!
post #20 of 27
Sorry, I didn't mean to side track the thread so much! I just was coming from the reason we don't know this time is because we are having a homebirth, my 3rd and I feel like I am lying as people look at me strange if I choose not to know, you know? If I said "no, because we are having a homebirth" people would just freak. I will say that because it's my 4th child and my 3rd homebirth, even though I haven't been presented with the question yet, I don't have any worries about what someone else will think if I choose to answer them. My thing is that I always have my 3 sets of huge eyes looking at me to be polite to people so I have to make sure I don't get all "mother wolf" on strangers and set a good example. but anyways, I think you did the right thing and answered right, the way you did it (in a matter of fact way not leaving any room for comments) projects a kind of confidence about it. I was at a gathering for mom's from my 3.5 yo's preschool class this winter and they were all talking about how and when they got their epidurals etc. I was just sitting and listening thinking, what would they do if they knew I had two home water births! But I sat in silence, really disliking the casualness of the conversation, but decided to say nothing. It's my thing, just like it's their thing, so I try and respect everyone is different, but they gotta respect that same thing.

anyways.....oh and I totally understand the whole boy thing and your dh must be so happy thing. I got that all the time when preggers with my son, as I already had two girls and then when I had the boy they were all like "well, you got your boy". I hated that as I always felt it demeaned the girls who were standing there listening to that for the first 9 months of my ds's life whenever we went out. ug. what is up with that! \

sorry again for sidetracking!
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