expensive hobbies...

[jennykilbo]

I'm starting to feel resentful towards my dh about something and I really need some insight.

Over the past ten years he has spent a few thousand dollars on music and recording equipment as a guitar player and studio musician.. Music is absolutely his passion, he will spend hours and hours working on tracks, is willing to play anywhere anytime with anybody, whether he makes some money at it or not. At one point I know he felt that with the right people he could make a career out of it. The first 2-3 years we were together, his gigs and musician friends WERE our social scene, and I played keyboards in their band for awhile also. So at best, this was something we did together, and really partied it up doing so, and I remained ignorant about the amount of money he spent "funding" the band/his dream.

Since I've been pregnant he has continued the same as before, just without me being a part of it - fine with me because it was truly just for fun. During this time I continued to say that I wanted him to keep playing, recording, as much as he could because I know it's something he enjoys. And he was making a little money at the same time, so, great.

Well since I have taken over managing our finances it has become clear to me the real costs of this hobby. Almost a third of our credit card debt is band-related. Most of it is from a long time ago (ie. before we ever met), but a good bit of it has been since we've been married. One reason I took over handling our money was because he doesn't have time to strategize paying off debt - for him, "handling it" has been making the minimum payments on everything. When I look over the past few years when I assumed he was buying music stuff with money earned from the band, it makes me sick to my stomach to see that he put that all on credit cards (he says, well I meant to pay cash but something always came up.) Essentially he has been treating everything music-related as a necessary, almost emergency-type of expense, especially during the time when he was really focused on making a career out of it. And the worst thing is that I was in the dark because I wasn't handling our money, and at that time I might not have known any better because I truly wanted to support what he was doing.

I could sit him down today and tell him we had to sell every last piece of equipment that he owns, but that wouldn't pay off the debt, and it certainly would be a slap in the face to something that he is truly passionate about (I have said often I wish I had the dedication to one thing like that.) But to continue doing what he is doing, requires further investment of his time and money (eg. he might not want/need any equipment right now, but if something breaks.... or, the costs associated with running their website.) I don't believe he labors under the illusion that this will somehow payoff "really big" somewhere down the road. To stop him completely seems out of the question. But I can't get over how irresponsibly he has spent our money over the years in the name of a hobby. Plus now that the baby is almost here, it seems he feels more motivated to play as many gigs as possible for the extra cash, when in truth I would really like him to cut back so he can be home more!

Ever since taking over our finances I've been silently fuming about this. Any experience ladies? Hobbies/passions/dreams that suck money out of you but you continue to justify them because they "make" a little money??? In the context of barely making ends meet, to boot?

[AnalogWife]

My DH is also a recording musician w/a studio, works as a soundguy, etc. He had most of his stuff before we met 7 years ago, and constantly tells me how much dough I have coming towards me when he dies because it's worth "sooooo" much $$. I have no idea if it does or not, but I know that DH has always been a frugal maniac and spent maybe $3 total for the 7 Hammond organs we have in our 1000 sq ft house. He never had a credit card before he met me, so no lingering debt....but his studio is $$$ per month, and he sublets, and a lot of times when people flake it comes out of OUR budget. About a year I ago I flipped out about this, I had enough, and ever since then he's been on my back to "make it work" so we can buy this small steel building a couple hundred yards away from the house. OH how much I want to do this for him, but our funds AREN'T going to "make it work" and I just feel guilty about the whole thing b/c he hates the current situation. He feels like I pressured him to buy this house and it's too small but we can't afford to leave it..... He's always "write a book and publish it so you can be a SAHM and we can buy that building." Um. OK! : I get all this pressure to succeed at uncommon goals and I'm getting stressed out about it just writing this. Anyhoo..not a lot of advice, just some commiseration, I guess. Lots of luck getting him to see the light. My DH can get incredibly sensitive about his music career...I usually just stand back and let him do it b/c I don't like conflict.

[Jilian]

My ex DH was the same and we spent a small fortune on his music hobby. It was ok at the time because we had extra money but if we were struggling I would certainly sit down and discuss setting limits. Maybe he could have a certain budgeted amount each month for music related stuff and once he spends it he has to save up again for the next thing. Or he has to sell something he already owns in order to fund something new. I know most music places take trades, although you don't get much for them.

I don't think it is right that you are struggling financially and he is still indulging in an expensive hobby. That is a priorities issue and it would make me mad too. But I do understand having a passion too. He will have to find a less expensive way to continue his passion. Do you also feel like it is a time issue? I know with my ex DH I was also really annoyed that he was going out several nights per week doing "gigs" while I was home alone pregnant or caring for our new baby. I often felt like his needs for fun came before the needs of our family.

[SuzyLee]

My DH brews beer. You wouldn't think this would be an expensive hobby, but he wants the top of the line everything. For example he just bought a deep freeze that he is turning into a "cellar temperature" thingy to brew lagers in. Ahhh!

Anyway, we handled it from the get go by saying that we each had hobbies and it wasn't fair to spend more on one of us. So we each get 100$/month for fun money. My H will save his up for a year to buy a stupid deep freeze and I will spend mine monthly getting a hair cut or a starbucks or a new shirt.
H also makes a little extra money judging beer competitions which he uses for more beer crap.

I personally think there is no way your H wouldn't be able to manage on a budget. Figure out what you can afford- maybe 100-200/month. He has to subtract out website costs, and then he ought to save the rest so that if something breaks he has the money. And if something deos break, why does he have to run out and buy a replacement? Or why can't the other guys in the band run out and buy a replacement if your H spent his money for the month?

[gentlemango]

Is he still playing & bringing in money?

JMHO: Take away the credit cards and write down a fairly tight household budget that includes snowballing away your debt. Bring him the budget and show him how long it will take to get rid of the debt with NO extra expenditures. Tell him that when all the debt is gone, you can talk about making music related purchases again.

You're not telling him to sell the stuff. You're not telling him he can't invest in new expenses. You're telling him to postpone any new expenses until the debt is paid off.

Up to you whether you want to ask him to put his gig revenue toward the debt or if he can save it for himself.

[CameronsMama]

Originally Posted by jennykilbo

Ever since taking over our finances I've been silently fuming about this. Any experience ladies? Hobbies/passions/dreams that suck money out of you but you continue to justify them because they "make" a little money??? In the context of barely making ends meet, to boot?

I understand, but dh's hobby is cars instead of music. He likes to build race cars and rebuild or tinker with classic cars, etc. Talk about a money sink hole, there is absoutely no money to be made with this hobby, so it's all outgoing dollars there. I did finally get him to sit down and really look at the money situation when I was pregnant with ds, and things have changed a lot since he realized just how much his hobby was costing us. Now he mostly tinkers with his friends cars and helps them out fixing them and stuff. Dh gets his car time, but it doesn't cost us anything.

Originally Posted by gentlemango

Tell him that when all the debt is gone, you can talk about making music related purchases again.

You're not telling him to sell the stuff. You're not telling him he can't invest in new expenses. You're telling him to postpone any new expenses until the debt is paid off.

I think this is a really good idea, it lets him continue playing without spending any money for a while, with the promise that when you can afford it again, he can do more. If you choose this route though, make sure that when you let him start buying stuff again he doesn't go overboard and land you back in debt!

[jennykilbo]

Thanks for the comforting words ladies, it really helps me gain perspective on this.

He definitely understands the reality of our financial situation *now*. He knows he can't spend any further because we literally don't have a dollar unbudgeted, and there is no room for a "fun" budget for either of us at the moment. On the other hand he wants to play as much as possible to bring in money to "make up" for some of the difference - but when you factor in the expense of time away at night, hours spent practicing, etc. etc. the gig money is not all that lucrative. Anyway. Great question about why the other guys don't contribute -- for one thing, "the band" itself has always been sort of transient, different guys filling in with them all the time, and he always wanted to own his own equipment so that in the event that he and his more regular guys did part ways that there would be no question as to who owns the stuff. But yes if something broke at this point, someone else would need to foot the bill, no question.

Sigh... this is rough. He's not unreasonable at all, just made some decisions along the way based on what he *hoped* would happen with his music career, not what was actually happening. I feel like a horrible wife for basically saying, I really support you and I know this makes you happy, but I want you to stop spending money and time doing this, for the time being. It's a bigger issue too of how our relationship is transitioning to being parents, and even though we are on the same page with being a planned pregnancy and getting prepared for how life will change, I don't want him to see me as the one who says, okay ALL your fun is over now, ykwim?

[CameronsMama]

Originally Posted by jennykilbo

It's a bigger issue too of how our relationship is transitioning to being parents, and even though we are on the same page with being a planned pregnancy and getting prepared for how life will change, I don't want him to see me as the one who says, okay ALL your fun is over now, ykwim?

I know that feeling exactly! I feel really bad sometimes because it seems like I'm always the one who has to say "wait no we can't do this right now" and it bites to have to feel like the bad guy all the time. DH is really good about it all though, he doesn't seem to disappointed when we can't afford things, it does get me down a bit to say no though.

[AnalogWife]

How old is your DH? I know I had a few nail-biting moments fearing that my DH would kind of resent the baby for cramping his style. Our car is rather impractical for a family (VW cabrio convertible....small!) and I was thinking that he was going to get all huffy if I suggested a minivan, or at least an Subaru wagon or something...

I'm happy to discover that I was wrong....my DH was one of those people whose life completely took an overhaul the moment DS came out---he didn't fully comprehend what he was in for, but once he looked into DS's eyes the focus of his life changed. He's now WAY more concerned about "providing for the family" and was even the one who suggested getting a minivan/sttn wagon, I was shocked! My DH became a father at 40, so he was a little older and had time to sew the wild oats. I hope your DH won't consider his child as a fun-ruiner!!!! s

[SuzyLee]

Beer wife here again... My DH has been pretyt understanding about his loss of weekend time to brew. He barely sees DS on weekdays due to his job, so it isn't cool with me for him to spend all weekend brewing beer.

He switched to brewing with kits instead of grain which saves him a few hours, and he still brews, just not as often. It took us a while to find a good rhythm. The weekends that he brews, I will go to a scrapbooking things from 5pm to 11pm and he will do baby duty. That way we both feel like we got time for our hobby, and we both spend time with the baby. The best way for DH to spend time with DS is if I am not there ready to offer the boob at the first whimper, so this works for us. I am sure you will find something taht works for you.

My DH can sometimes work overtime, and it can be too much time away from home. We instituted a rule that at least 2 days/week he leaves work on time. Why don't you consider setting u guidelines of how many gigs he will do a week/month? That way he gets to have his fun and you know in advance that he won't gone more than x days/month.

[jennykilbo]

Originally Posted by JimmyMom

How old is your DH? I know I had a few nail-biting moments fearing that my DH would kind of resent the baby for cramping his style. Our car is rather impractical for a family (VW cabrio convertible....small!) and I was thinking that he was going to get all huffy if I suggested a minivan, or at least an Subaru wagon or something...

I'm happy to discover that I was wrong....my DH was one of those people whose life completely took an overhaul the moment DS came out---he didn't fully comprehend what he was in for, but once he looked into DS's eyes the focus of his life changed. He's now WAY more concerned about "providing for the family" and was even the one who suggested getting a minivan/sttn wagon, I was shocked! My DH became a father at 40, so he was a little older and had time to sew the wild oats. I hope your DH won't consider his child as a fun-ruiner!!!! s

He's almost 30. He has definitely had his wild days He is totally pumped about having a child, no doubt about it. I think he will have that big moment too when she is born We own a restaurant, so the day job/his real life is full of intense responsibility, and he is great at what he does, but it is definitely stressful (particularly in light of the economy.) I don't want to dictate how he spends his free time, but I know that family time is definitely his priority, so I am thinking that he will naturally cut back on the music thing once she is actually here, even though right now he talks alot about making extra money doing it. AND he is willing to put all the money he does happen to make into the big pot so we can decide mutually how to spend it. So I suppose it is win-win, as long as he isn't spending any more money on it in the near future. I have shown him "the plan" for getting our debt paid off and he is totally onboard - he won't say it, but I think he is glad that I'm steering that now because he needed more direction. I am feeling better about this!

I really truly don't think he would ever think of the baby ruining the fun. He is one of those guys where if I lightly suggest something and let him think it over for awhile, he'll come to me and say, "I have a great idea!" So I know that as long as I don't lose my patience and try to tell him what to do, he will come around, so hopefully I'll avoid being the "fun-ruiner" if he naturally comes to the necessary conclusion himself.

Thanks to all for all the advice!!!

[jennykilbo]

Originally Posted by SuzyLee

Beer wife here again... My DH has been pretyt understanding about his loss of weekend time to brew. He barely sees DS on weekdays due to his job, so it isn't cool with me for him to spend all weekend brewing beer.

He switched to brewing with kits instead of grain which saves him a few hours, and he still brews, just not as often. It took us a while to find a good rhythm. The weekends that he brews, I will go to a scrapbooking things from 5pm to 11pm and he will do baby duty. That way we both feel like we got time for our hobby, and we both spend time with the baby. The best way for DH to spend time with DS is if I am not there ready to offer the boob at the first whimper, so this works for us. I am sure you will find something taht works for you.

My DH can sometimes work overtime, and it can be too much time away from home. We instituted a rule that at least 2 days/week he leaves work on time. Why don't you consider setting u guidelines of how many gigs he will do a week/month? That way he gets to have his fun and you know in advance that he won't gone more than x days/month.

These are really good ideas!

[AnalogWife]

He is one of those guys where if I lightly suggest something and let him think it over for awhile, he'll come to me and say, "I have a great idea!"

That made me so . I have one of those, too. He sounds like a responsible guy, lots of GL for your debt payoff!

[FiddleMama]

My partner and I are musicians too and play in the same band and we have a rule that all our band related expenses are paid out of gig money. If there's nothing in that account, then we have to wait until there is. CD sales help too and it's becoming increasingly easier and cheaper to market yourself in this internet age. We sell our CDs on CDBaby via a link from our website and CDBaby automatically submits to iTunes so we frequently find money in our account from our digital distribution that we did no work to get (other than the initial expense of recording the CDs...but in your husband's case if he has recording equipment already, maybe he can do it himself that way). Another income stream for me is as a studio musician. I let the studios in town know that I'm available to sit in if anyone is needing strings on their CD and I get called up from time to time- I did three just last year. Maybe that's a possibility...?

[DiannaK]

Originally Posted by Jilian

My ex DH was the same and we spent a small fortune on his music hobby. It was ok at the time because we had extra money but if we were struggling I would certainly sit down and discuss setting limits. Maybe he could have a certain budgeted amount each month for music related stuff and once he spends it he has to save up again for the next thing. Or he has to sell something he already owns in order to fund something new. I know most music places take trades, although you don't get much for them.

I don't think it is right that you are struggling financially and he is still indulging in an expensive hobby. That is a priorities issue and it would make me mad too. But I do understand having a passion too. He will have to find a less expensive way to continue his passion. Do you also feel like it is a time issue? I know with my ex DH I was also really annoyed that he was going out several nights per week doing "gigs" while I was home alone pregnant or caring for our new baby. I often felt like his needs for fun came before the needs of our family.

were you and I married to the same man at one point in time??
This sounds EXACTLY like my ex husband

[Poddi]

You're not alone. I know a guy who likes to buy HOUSES that are old and broken down, do all sorts of repairs and then sell them. Sure that usually brings in money, but I just can't imagine being his family and live in old broken houses all the time, the noise and mess, and once it's good and fixed they move out.

Is there anyway he can increase the income from playing music? Maybe do weddings?

[jennykilbo]

Originally Posted by FiddleMama

My partner and I are musicians too and play in the same band and we have a rule that all our band related expenses are paid out of gig money. If there's nothing in that account, then we have to wait until there is. CD sales help too and it's becoming increasingly easier and cheaper to market yourself in this internet age. We sell our CDs on CDBaby via a link from our website and CDBaby automatically submits to iTunes so we frequently find money in our account from our digital distribution that we did no work to get (other than the initial expense of recording the CDs...but in your husband's case if he has recording equipment already, maybe he can do it himself that way). Another income stream for me is as a studio musician. I let the studios in town know that I'm available to sit in if anyone is needing strings on their CD and I get called up from time to time- I did three just last year. Maybe that's a possibility...?

Originally Posted by Poddi

Is there anyway he can increase the income from playing music? Maybe do weddings?

He's definitely been all over these ideas - using/renting out his equipment and/or being a sound guy for any and everybody... weddings, events, other bands, etc. In addition to cd sales. Anything that can make money without any further invesment in equipment or skills. Slowly but surely!!