Happens to us all, but how do you cope?.......

[Mama2Kimmy]

I have been ttc for over 2 years now & my best friend called today to tell me she was pregnant. I see pregnant women all the time and family even, it tears me apart when I think about it, but I get over it. However this is my best friend, we are together all the time, have been since age 8. I love her and wish her the best, but this time its really really tearing me up, I have been so depressed and on the verge of bawling since she called (just about 2 hours ago), I was just wondering what all of you do to cope with situations like this.

[Laurel]

I've definitely been there! This is a great opportunity to cement your friendship even deeper. If the two of you can get through this, there will be a loyalty there that will be hard to break. It's easier said than done, though, and it takes both you and her.

For me, the most important thing has been to be able to be really honest with my friend about how I'm feeling. Making a habit of covering up honest emotions to avoid hurting feelings is a mistake, IMO. But, this has to be coupled with a sense of balance. When my closest friend was pg the first time and I'd been through 6 years of inf and had been waiting to adopt for a year, I was really into emotional honesty, and I think I made the mistake of pouring out my soul just a little bit too much. She was kind enough to stick with me through all that, but it must have been very overwhelming to her to be constantly hearing about my pain and knowing that she was contributing to it. So, I would say, keep a journal in which you can pour out your thoughts and write your most difficult feelings. But still be honest with her about how you're doing. Don't pretend that it doesn't hurt, because I think a friendship where you can't be honest is no friendship at all. There may be some awkward feelings and conversations, but make a conscious decision to be there for each other and to try to work through these things together and not apart from one another.

I read in a book somewhere that pregnancy and infertility are both equally all-consuming experiences that affect literally every aspect of your being. So, I think the first step for each friend to recognize this and make a decision to be especially tolerant and forgiving--because you'll both have times when you'll be so caught up in your own experience that you'll hurt or offend. One of the most difficult things for me about my friend becoming pg was that it seemed like pregnancy "stole" her from me--she was so sick, and so tired, and so involved in the physical aspects of pregnancy that we couldn't do lunch, or talk for hours, or all the things we had done before. I felt that not only had I lost "my baby", but I had lost my friend too, and why had I lost her? Because she got to have the very thing I wanted most. I was very angry about that.

When I look back on the survival and subsequent strengthening of that friendship, I realize that it really took two. I'm not sure that if it were only up to me to "cope" that things would have worked out. I had a friend who went out of her way to be committed to our friendship and to continue caring about me. I hope that you will be blessed with that kind of friend.

I don't really have any other advice, but just good wishes. I know how hard this is!

[chrissy]

Hi,

Although I haven't had a best friend get pregnant yet (although 2 of my best friends got married in the past month and are trying right away....), everyone else around me is pregnant. Seriously, I think at least 80% of the women I know are pregnant right now. And I'm happy for them of course, but man am I sad for me.

I don't know how I cope because I really don't think I cope all that well. In fact my husband just suggested that maybe I need counseling.

The only things that give me peace are:

1- my son,
2- thinking about how much I do in fact have and that everyone has problems and this is just mine now, and
3- the fact that I *will* have another child sometime soon whether it be by making a child and growing her or him in my womb or by adopting her or him, I will have more babies.

It's just so da*$ hard though, isn't it?!

[Mama2Kimmy]

I guess what is really incredibly hard for me is most of the friends & family I know that are pregnant weren't even trying, as a matter of fact, my best friend never even wanted kids, but she got of birth control because it was messing her up. Thats what really hurts me.

[chrissy]

that does make it SO much harder, huh?! my next door neighbor has a little girl 1 month older than my son and we spend tons of time together. she accidentally got pregnant in the spring and was soooooooo depressed about it. she cried and cried and made jokes about how "babies must just love her." it about killed me. the baby is due in december and she is still very unsure and not ready for this baby. i wouldn't wish to be in her situation either though.

and to you.

[gonnabeamom]

Sometimes it feels like the universe is just whacking you over the head with the lack of correlation between wanting a child and getting one.

I helped a friend through the decision not to have a child after she got pregnant. She'll be a great Mom someday, but her boyfriend at the time was a complete jerk, and she has things she has to get straight before she has a kid. We both wished it could be me, but she suffered far worse from that than I did.

It's funny for me that as envious as I am about other folks getting pregnant, and having kids, I almost wish I had someone around who was pregnant. I just want to soak it up vicariously, I want to hear all the details, I want to rub the stomachs of every pregnant woman I see, I want to feel the babies kick, I want to hold all the babies I see, it just makes me ache sometimes, but the vicarious thrill is all I've got right now, and I try to suck all the comfort out of it I can get. I also keep thinking if I just hang around enough of it, it will somehow rub off

A friend was over with their baby last night, and I had to restrain myself from grabbing the baby the minute he came in the door. Only when he wanted to do something with his toddler did I dare offer. Then I found myself rocking the baby and checking myself out in the mirror going "this is what it will look like"

Sorry about going on but I hope it helps somehow.

[Laurel]

I actually seem to have an easier time when the pg is unplanned. What's hard for me is seeing someone whose life falls into place exactly as they want it to.

It's been a long time since I've really struggled over others' pregnancies since I'm finally a mom, but now that ds is 15 months and I'm thinking much more seriously about #2, a lot of those old emotions are coming back. I'm noticing that it's getting progressively harder to be around pregnant women.