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When your husband wants you to get an abortion..WWYD? Aother Update in OP. - Page 2

post #21 of 99
Where are you? Maybe a nearby mom can come and help you some. I would if I lived nearby. I'm in the Seattle area.

Lisa
post #22 of 99
This is emotional abuse and it's unlikely to get better- not unless he admits he has a problem and is working really hard on himself to improve. It doesn't sound like this is the case. In fact, he sounds like a classic abuser- especially the part about making it seem like it's your fault for "making him angry"- um, no. He's the one in control of his emotions and actions, not you. It should never be Mom's responsibility to keep Dad from having a temper tantrum.

I'd try contacting a Domestic Violence Coalition- see what kinds of resources they may have available to help you.
post #23 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
This is emotional abuse and it's unlikely to get better- not unless he admits he has a problem and is working really hard on himself to improve. It doesn't sound like this is the case. In fact, he sounds like a classic abuser- especially the part about making it seem like it's your fault for "making him angry"- um, no. He's the one in control of his emotions and actions, not you. It should never be Mom's responsibility to keep Dad from having a temper tantrum.

I'd try contacting a Domestic Violence Coalition- see what kinds of resources they may have available to help you.
--

unfortunately yes to everything Ruthla said ... you need to get help and get out. I am so so sorry for what you are going through -but you deserve better than that. I didn't read the whole thread - do you have family to turn to?

You are in my prayers
post #24 of 99
You are not stupid. Stop thinking that right now.

The abortion comment he made was absolutely uncalled for. Remember, it's YOUR body and YOUR choice to do what feels right for you, no matter what happens.

He is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusing you. Trying to blame you for him losing his temper is classic abusive behaviour. You are not responsible for his actions, but you are responsible for your own actions. Please, seek out counselling and take care of yourself. Your children need you, and you don't deserve to be treated poorly. I know it's hard to fathom, but it sounds like you know what you have to do to be safe and happy. You CAN start your own life, but you will need to look for outside help.
post #25 of 99
1) what advice would you give me if this were me crying out for help in that situation?????????

2) you have the police/restraining order(if you so choose)--There are safe houses for women & children, churches, & you may call your mom anyway. She may know of more ways to help & would likely not want you in that situation. think of your children. they have to see/hear this. It will effect their lives.
something has to change & you are the only one that can decide that now. I wish you you peace & blessings and the wisdom to do what is best for yourself/children.....whatever that might be.
post #26 of 99
OH mama- these ladies are so right on. We would be having a serious discussion AND counseling and probably some anger management classes for DH or I would be out the door. Scary yes- but necessay definitely. No one deserves to be treated like that- not you and not your children. Emotional abusers will abuse children as well and that is not something you can allow to happen. Surf over to Finding Your Tribe and look for some local mamas for support. Also there is more support at PAP.

GL and I am praying for you.
post #27 of 99
Quote:
and I don't know how I can pick myself up and start my own life with 2 little ones, and being pregnant.
with a really good lawyer
post #28 of 99
I am so sorry he treated you that way. I don't even know where to start.

1. You should not have to walk on eggshells around your spouse. Their number 1 job in life is to support you, especially during hard times. That's what marriage is, 2 people who agree to support and love each other, no matter what difficulties they come across in life.

2. How dare he call you a whore. I love my husband and hope to be married to him for the rest of my life but if he ever called me a whore he would come home to the locks changed and all his clothes on the front porch. Perhaps our marriage could be saved with some counseling.

3. Asking you to abort his child? Really? That just makes me so sad, that a child conceived in love should be disposable because you being sick is inconvenient for him.


I am suffering with HG as well, medication really, really helps. Zofran and Dramamine have made such a difference in my day to day life.

Good luck Mama, I'm so sorry you are in this position right now. I have been a single Mom (with 1 child) and even though it was hard, it was so much better than being with someone who didn't make me feel special.
post #29 of 99
It sounds like he's not going to change unless you leave him (and even then he may not). There's a very good chance his behavior will only escalate until he starts becoming physically abusive with you. Guys like him also start taking things out on the kids.

What about staying any other relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc...)?

Do you have a "Family & Children Services" nearby? I've found they really are great support for women who are in difficult situations. They offer free or reduced counseling and group therapy. The one I've been to even helps women and their children find safe places to stay until they can get on their feet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiloh View Post
with a really good lawyer
True, and it also helps to find a really good social worker, too.
post #30 of 99
great advice already here- I just wanted to give you some
post #31 of 99
There is no way I would tolerate any talk of abortion. We're Catholic though, and we see abortion as murder. I would personally believe that he was asking me to murder our child, which would be a threat worthy of leaving him for. Those are our beliefs though, so maybe those words aren't as offensive to you.
post #32 of 99
get a divorce.

which is what i did.
post #33 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2NaturalBabies View Post
I have no one else to help me. No one.

I guess I just want any advice anyone has to offer, and to hear that I'm not crazy for thinking the way he treated me was wrong.
You are definitely NOT crazy! The way he treated you was absolutely wrong! The person who is supposed to love and protect you called you a f*&^ing whore? I would not sleep in the same house as him tonight or any night soon. Really. You should make a stand right now or it will continue. It already has continued. You said he's done it before. Your kids will grow up thinking this is normal! Please call a shelter or a friend.

I'd call your mom, and really think about who else could help you. Do you have any friends where you live? Where you don't live? Do you have a car to get somewhere else? I'd get a lawyer too, and wouldn't leave without anything that is precious to you - photo albums, sentimental items, etc.

I have three kids, and a dp who gets really angry with me - but wouldn't call me a name like that. Three kids is stressful. I'd get right into counseling - for you and him if he'll go, or just you if he won't. You deserve better! I'm sorry...
post #34 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Lil_Mamma View Post
It sounds like he's not going to change unless you leave him (and even then he may not). There's a very good chance his behavior will only escalate until he starts becoming physically abusive with you. Guys like him also start taking things out on the kids.

What about staying any other relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc...)?

Do you have a "Family & Children Services" nearby? I've found they really are great support for women who are in difficult situations. They offer free or reduced counseling and group therapy. The one I've been to even helps women and their children find safe places to stay until they can get on their feet.



True, and it also helps to find a really good social worker, too.
ETA - I've also heard positive things about the YWCA.
post #35 of 99
Well... sit down and look at your options...

First option: to go through the stressful pregnancy with two little kids, being belittled and treated like dirt by their father right in front of them. To live life in fear of being yelled at, to cry yourself to sleep because you were called the things I can't even type. Life's gotta seem really grim from this perspective.

Second option: to get an abortion, and to raise two kids, while being belittled and treated like dirt by their father right in front of them. Please consider the way it makes the little ones feel. On a sidenote: my mom had an abortion almost 30 years ago. She never healed emotionally.

Third option: gather information about available support systems in the area. Pack someone's bags, and call a lawyer.

Fourth option: with or without a counselor, sit down with your husband and make sure he understands that one more outburst, one more swear word towards you (or the children?) and his family will break apart. This is NO way to treat another human being (good God, there is NO ONE my partner EVER talked in a way your husband talks to you. "Having a bad day" is not the kind of excuse that allows people to swear at each other in this house. Even when we can't stand a person we treat them with more respect than your husband treats his sick wife ).

Understand your options, and choose wisely. *HUGS*
post #36 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by Benji'sMom View Post
If I were you I'd be a single mother of 3 kids.
I agree....it is completely do-able. PM me if you want and let me know what state your in and I can hook you up with resources. It'll be okay I promise you. Get angry- YOU are worth more than this!
post #37 of 99
i'm so sorry hon. that sounds awful. i had terrrrrrible MS for the first 4 months of my pregnancy, smells, temps, food.. all made me sick. i know how bad you feel. this is my first so i cannot imagine taking care of more ON TOP of feeling like pure dirt. you're awesome for that.

it sounds like your husband doesn't appreciate you.. or respect you, or your marriage. it's really sad that he's treating you this way over something not just you, but HE wanted! no matter what, this is your body and your baby and you do what you want to with both of them. i cannot imagine having to terminate a pregnancy because someone else wanted me to. especially since you've already seen the baby. that's really horrible for him to say even out of anger. and anger that seems completely displaced. have you asked him if he's having trouble at work? with his family? a friend? i doubt you are doing anything to make him act like this. we all have our a bad days but geeze. no excuse for that.

i also think that if you can save your marriage you should. it's sad to just give up. but you have good reason to. i wouldn't call it giving up with you though, i would call it getting out. there's a big difference. has he ever hit you? i don't mean to pry. but it seems like it could eventually get to that place.

my best friends boyfriend is this same way. they have 2 year old twin boys and he talks to her like she's a piece of garbage. when it was he that decided, without letting her know, that he had taken the condom off. real prize right? he hasn't gotten any better in the almost 4 years they've been together. if anything he's gotten worse.

you don't deserve to be talked to like that. you're his wife and the mother of his kids and he owes you that respect. you can fight all you want but there are lines he just should not cross. i would sit down with him and ask him what he wants because you and your babies should not have to live like that. on the same hand you need to know what YOU want.

good luck mama
post #38 of 99
Thread Starter 
Well, it's 7pm my time and he hasn't even tried to call me. I shouldn't be surprised though, he never does if we're in a "fight." Even if HE is the one to start it, and continue it. Even if I'M the one that's done nothing wrong. Thanks you everyone for your advice, I need all I can get, and don't be afraid to say exactly what you think. I feel seriously lost right now, and my pregnancy hormones are making everything worse. I've been crying all day. I am still in SHOCK at the way he treated me.
post #39 of 99
My first thought was that he's feeling guilty about you being so sick, and it was regretable words said in anger. After your other posts, tho, it sounds like a pattern. Abuse goes in a cycle-screw up-apologise-build back up to screw up.

I'm going to share my story with you and the world, one I don't share often because it's water under the bridge, and it wasn't my greatest day. But it's a story worth telling.

My DH was often like yours. At some point he started scaring me. I left one night, went to the shelter, and the next day he apologised all over himself, promised it would never happen again. It didn't, for a while. Then one day he threatened me and pushed me. I called the police, I was so scared. They came and got him and took him to jail for 3 days. *I* didn't want to press charges, I just wanted to be safe. But the district attorney did. We didn't talk for 6 weeks.

It was the best thing that's ever happened to my marriage. He was given the choice of jail + fine or counseling. He took the counseling, it ended up being around 18 months of it. I did counseling, too. So did our DD (DS was just a baby). He learned anger management skills, and other emotional skills he'd never learned.

It's years later, and we just celebrated our 10th anniversary. He sometimes starts to go to that "place", but one word or a look, and he's walking out the door to take a break. He actually apologises now. He's become a fabulous dad, and the man I knew he was underneath all that crap he couldn't deal with.

When we found out I was pregnant with this baby, he also wanted me to have an abortion, but didn't call me names, or yell at me. Just told me the logical reasons why "we" should do that. He was right on the logic, but he couldn't convince my heart. And here we are, we are all excited and thrilled about Charlie.

Our story doesn't happen to everyone. We had to make a lot of financial sacrifices to pay for his counseling (he got a partial scholarship), but every single cent was worth it to keep our marriage together. This sort of happy ending requires hard work from everyone (I had to admit my own "fault", of sorts, I tended to goad him and put him down and never realized it). If one party can't commit, the marriage isn't likely to survive.

I wish so much for you! You deserve a happy ending. At the very least, you need to get safe. Find a shelter, or get a restraining order.

Hugs.
post #40 of 99
Please Please Please read my entire post, and all the linked information. Please.

What he said is emotionally abusive. You do not have to take it. You have a duty to protect your born and unborn children from the effects of domestic violence.

Do you know what the number one cause of death for a pregnant woman is? Not Pre-eclampsia, not bleeding out, not anything related to actually being pregnant. The number one cause of death during pregnancy is homicide, usually by the father of the baby. (I'll admit I've seen different stats on this, it varies between homicide and car accident, just for disclosure)


You need to know this. The most dangerous time in a woman's live (violence wise) is during pregnancy.

Do you know about the Cycle of domestic violence Guilt/remorse usually follows an abusive outburst. The cycle does not end unless something is done to break it. It continues. The intervention could be counseling, arrest, one partner leaving, or one partner killing the other.

Information on Pregnancy and domestic violence here http://www.sc.edu/healthycarolina/pd...icViolence.pdf

Can he check the history on the computer you are using? Please read this article on clearing the cache on your computer. Clear the cache, cookies, search engines EVERY TIME. Do not select the remember me option.... I'm sure reading this thread, which you need sweetheart, would send him over the edge.

You need to get yourself and your children safe. If you are in the US, try calling 211 and see if they can refer you to a domestic violence shelter.

Also, as one with truely awful all day sickness... Zofram gave me my life back. However, ending the vomiting will NOT change his attitude... he will chose something else to abuse you for.
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