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When your husband wants you to get an abortion..WWYD? Aother Update in OP. - Page 3

post #41 of 99
My ex was emotionally abusive and I know what you mean about having to walk on eggshells. It's so hard and scary and tiring and sad and I really hope you can find a way to get you and your children (born and yet-to-be-born) away from him. The world is not a bad place (I know I had nearly given up all hope on the world when I was in that abusive "space") and you shouldn't have to live your life in fear.

You are not crazy. You are not the bad guy. Do not blame yourself, or your body, or your baby. What he is doing is abusive, even if he doesn't hurt you physically (although, I would argue that there are physical manifestations of emotional abuse), and *you do not deserve to be abused*. Being alone can be scary, but *you are not alone*. There are good, caring people out there, and there are places that can help you out.

HUGE HUGE hugs.
post #42 of 99
You are not crazy. The way he has treated you is wrong. 100%- I have no doubt in my mind. None.

I had HG for the first 22-or-so weeks of this pg, plus several other high-risk things happen. I'm currently on modified bed rest due to concerns about pre-term labor. I have not "pulled my weight" around the house AT ALL since January, and my DH has NEVER talked to me in any way close to how your DH spoke to you.

You are not crazy. You deserve so much better. Please remember that you are in the midst of the crisis right now, but you don't have to make any decisions right this minute.... or tonight.... or even tomorrow. About the abortion, about leaving, about anything. You have received a lot of good advice and things to think about, so be brave, take a deep breath, and consider what you want for you and your children.

I wish you peace.
post #43 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllyRae View Post
Oh man... :

Honestly, if any man, and especially my husband, called me a whore, his bags would be on the front lawn ...

and on fire........ and i would have been long gone..... Sorry... that is just my initial response....

Only you know you husband... is he normally like this? is it somthing he will get over and be remorsefull for? or is this totally out of character for him? I would have left though.....even if just teporarily and if he wanted me back there would have to be alot of changing in his attitude...... I wouldnt never get an abortion for anybody.... but that is just my point of view.... When men are being honest they are usually very straigt forward... if he is trying to start stuff with you and accusing you of things that you arnt doing then there must be a reason that he is lying.... do you think he could be cheating or looking for a way out of the marraige? What my best friend always says... "Men, you cant live with them, you can't kill them" lol but if he is usually a great husband then try to get to the bottom of what could be bothering him..... if he is usually an abusive meanie like he is being now, then maybe it might be time to reflect on whether or not that is the environment you want to raise your babies in.... Im sorry your goin through this, but dont get an abortion just because he wants you to..... your marraige may not last forever... but the pain and regret might..... so do do anything you will regret! Good luck and I hope he comes around and starts treating you better!!!:
post #44 of 99
I can only echo what everyone else has already said. There's no excuse for what he did to you. None. "Having a bad day" or "saying things he didn't mean" doesn't even come close. DH and I have said some pretty horrible things to each other at our low points that could fall under those categories, but calling you a whore? Telling you to kill your baby? And he's done this type of stuff before? I'm sorry, I would much rather be a single mom of 3 than live with a man like that. I wouldn't put up with it...and believe me, Iv'e put up with a LOT in my life. But this is beyond the limit. This is not something you can forgive. I don't think I ever could.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, AND YOU DID NOT DESERVE ANY OF THIS. He is the one with the problem, NOT YOU. He is sick in the head to think it's even remotely okay to treat his wife like this. He needs to straighten out his own issues and boy does it look like it's gonna take a lot of straightening. In the meantime you need to GET AWAY FROM HIM. There are so many resources for women like yourself, please take advantage of them. This is abuse. Words DO hurt, and he used these words for that specific purpose. Don't let him. It's time to do the right thing for yourself and your kids, because none of you deserves to have such a horrible person in your life. I am not even exaggerating when I say I'd rather live in a cardboard box on the street if it meant I didn't have to deal with that kind of crap.
post #45 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
This is less about you getting an abortion or not (and I can't imagine why he thinks you would even consider it!) than about your dh as a partner. An immature, selfish, disrespectful, cruel, inadequate partner.

I think that if you want to stay married to this man, the two of you need to get into counseling, asap. He sounds as if he has problems that would really benefit from an objective third party's perspective.

In your shoes - and if I had the support system to back it up - I'd give him an ultimatim. Counseling or I walk out that door. And never talk to me like that again.
ITA....

I think you've gotten the right advice for your situation from all the other posters. I know it's hard to think that you have to do things alone...there are a lot of mom's who do do it and they survive.

You have to make the step though....not just think about it.
post #46 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by hyz View Post
Obviously, that way of talking to you is unacceptable. Just. not. ok. But I'm curious. Is this how you guys normally interact? Did he always talk like that to you? Or did this just start since you got sick? And did you talk like that to him before (fighting dirty, name-calling, hateful words), but have decided to change and have been trying to do things differently lately (I only ask because you said how careful you've been since you got sick to be nice)?

I think one thing is absolutely clear, and that is that the way you are describing your relationship just can't go on--it's not healthy for anyone involved, especially the kids.

But, depending on how your relationship has developed, etc., I think the solution might be different. If he's a chronically verbally/emotionally abusive jerk who has you on tiptoes all the time (which is kind of what it sounds like), there may be no saving the thing, and you and the kids are honestly better off without him. On the other hand, if you guys have a pattern of explosive fighting like this (you can dish it out as well as he can), then maybe what you need is some couples therapy to learn how to better resolve your conflicts--I have a dear friend in a relationship that was like this, and it took them years, but they have finally purged most of the toxic interactions from their marriage, and it is a much healthier environment for all of them, including their wonderful daughter. Finally, if this is a recent and drastic change from the man you married, you might want to see if there's some explanation for the behavior change (medical issues, drugs, psychological issues, etc.) before you decide that it's over. A loving, two parent home is best, but a loving single parent home is FAR better than a toxic two parent home.

As for the abortion, that can only be your decision. I would NOT do it because he has demanded it--i.e., in order to please him and "save" the relationship. I would venture to say that if you have an abortion now, for that reason, you will NEVER be able to forgive him or yourself, and the relationship will be truly doomed. The ONLY reason I would consider it is if you think that the relationship is too far broken to save, and you are leaving him, but you don't think you'll have the means to care for the 2 kids you have, much less a third. That would be a very scary situation, no doubt. Even then, I really don't think I could do it, but that's an individual decision.

I feel for you. You're in a scary place. Right now, if you can, it sounds like getting either your husband or yourself and the kids out of the house temporarily would be the best thing, so that you can be in a safe and sane environment while you figure out what your next step should be. Since you're so sick right now, I think staying with parents or someone who could help take care of you and the kids is an attractive option. If that's not possible, I'd at least try to make it clear to him that his words to you were utterly, totally, and shockingly unacceptable, and that you don't intend to interact with him until he can approach you with more respect than that. I would NOT apologize to him if you really don't have anything to apologize for, but I would cautiously accept his apology, on the condition that he agree to therapy if this is a recurring thing, or, if this is a very rare/first-time thing, with the warning that any further such violations will not be excused with just an apology--that there is NOT to be a repeat performance of such disrespect.
Very wise questions and advice given here ... couldn't have said it better. I also wanted to offer some to you and hope you get the help you deserve as soon as possible.



Quote:
My first thought was that he's feeling guilty about you being so sick, and it was regretable words said in anger. After your other posts, tho, it sounds like a pattern. Abuse goes in a cycle-screw up-apologise-build back up to screw up.

I'm going to share my story with you and the world, one I don't share often because it's water under the bridge, and it wasn't my greatest day. But it's a story worth telling.

My DH was often like yours. At some point he started scaring me. I left one night, went to the shelter, and the next day he apologised all over himself, promised it would never happen again. It didn't, for a while. Then one day he threatened me and pushed me. I called the police, I was so scared. They came and got him and took him to jail for 3 days. *I* didn't want to press charges, I just wanted to be safe. But the district attorney did. We didn't talk for 6 weeks.

It was the best thing that's ever happened to my marriage. He was given the choice of jail + fine or counseling. He took the counseling, it ended up being around 18 months of it. I did counseling, too. So did our DD (DS was just a baby). He learned anger management skills, and other emotional skills he'd never learned.

It's years later, and we just celebrated our 10th anniversary. He sometimes starts to go to that "place", but one word or a look, and he's walking out the door to take a break. He actually apologises now. He's become a fabulous dad, and the man I knew he was underneath all that crap he couldn't deal with.

When we found out I was pregnant with this baby, he also wanted me to have an abortion, but didn't call me names, or yell at me. Just told me the logical reasons why "we" should do that. He was right on the logic, but he couldn't convince my heart. And here we are, we are all excited and thrilled about Charlie.

Our story doesn't happen to everyone. We had to make a lot of financial sacrifices to pay for his counseling (he got a partial scholarship), but every single cent was worth it to keep our marriage together. This sort of happy ending requires hard work from everyone (I had to admit my own "fault", of sorts, I tended to goad him and put him down and never realized it). If one party can't commit, the marriage isn't likely to survive.

I wish so much for you! You deserve a happy ending. At the very least, you need to get safe. Find a shelter, or get a restraining order.

Hugs.
Your story moved me to tears. What a wonderful testament to your love for each other. Thank you for sharing it.
post #47 of 99
My heart really goes out to you mama. I saw the writing on the wall in just your first post and my heart sank when I read your next two. I have to reiterate the wise advice given - this is verbal and emotional abuse. The cycle will just continue and you're at risk of it escalating to violence, especially while pregnant. Something has to be done to break the cycle, and usually that means the ball is in the victim's court. Google numbers to domestic violence shelters in your area, whether it is your last resort or not. (they aren't just for women who are physically beaten)

You're not stupid, you're not crazy.
post #48 of 99
, mama. What a beastly situation to be in.

Everyone else has already given you wonderful information and advice that I don't think I could possibly improve on, so I'll just wish you strength, peace, and improved health, regardless of what choices you make. Good luck!
post #49 of 99
2NaturalBabies First, I want to let you know that I think you ARE SMART and deserve to be respected, loved, and not judged for past choices. I think that you need to leave this person immediately. Do you have family or friends you can stay with? You deserve much more than you are getting in this relationship, I would get away from him ASAP and find some people in your community to help you.
post #50 of 99
Sending many hugs your way!

Since you said not to hold back, here are my thoughts:

Personally, I would not consider an abortion in your situation. I can't imagine you being able to stop resenting your DH if you did choose an abortion. What your DH did and said were horrible and not acceptable under any circumstance. I am wondering if he meant what he said, or if he said some horrible things in the heat of the moment. I also think that in your situation, if I did choose to terminate, I would lose a huge part of my own self-value in my eyes because I would be doing something I was totally against doing just to please someone who can't be decent enough to help when in a time of need.

I think what intorainbowz posted was very valuable and worth reading. Being pregnant is a dangerous time for women as far as violence and even homicide.

I also think that counseling is absolutely in order.
post #51 of 99
Thread Starter 
Thanks so much for your continued support and advice. I appreciate it SO much as I feel like I have no one to talk to, and no one who cares. Here's today's update. He came home last night after work about 2am. He walked in, completely ignored me and went to sleep on the couch. This morning he had the same old jerk, arrogant, attitude. He completely ignored me at first, then when I tried to talk to him and told him that what he said was unforgivable etc. He sais "Oh, here we go with your effing whining and crying again, you're so annoying! Just shut the eff up!." So I told him that I was done with him, that I didn't want to be with him anymore. So he said "Oh well, looks like you better get an effing job then." So I said, there's only $50 left in the account, don't blow it because the kids need bread, fruit, and some other groceries. So he got all high and mighty and said "It's MY effing money! I'll do whatever I want with it! My kids NEVER go without and that's all that matters." So I said "Umm, yes your kids HAVE gone without before because of you thinking it's OK to just blow whatever money you want because you thought of an excuse to start a fight and be mad." So he told me " Shut the eff up, you're so effing stupid." Then he walked out the door. My 4 year old tried to go with him, but he put her back in the house and told her he was going to the mailbox to get the mail. WELL, that was FOUR hours ago! The little b*stard snuck off and took off. He doesn't work until 3pm today, and he didn't bring his cell. We have ONE car and I'm stranded here yet again, totally sick, and the only thing I can hold down is ginger ale and Saltines right now, everything else comes right back up, and I'm out of both. Then my 1 year old wakes up about an hour ago and he has a fever! It's 103 right now, so he's sick, and I'm out of infant Motrin and Tylenol. and I have NO way to get to the store. The nearest one is about 15 blocks away, and I have no one to help me. Looks like i'm going to have to put the baby in the stroller and walk there with my 4 year old in the heat. I am so sick and haven't been able to eat anything and keep it down for 2 days now, so I'm scared I might pass out or something.
post #52 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by Benji'sMom View Post
If I were you I'd be a single mother of 3 kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassionateWriter View Post
get a divorce.

which is what i did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KylieLove06 View Post
I agree....it is completely do-able. PM me if you want and let me know what state your in and I can hook you up with resources. It'll be okay I promise you. Get angry- YOU are worth more than this!


My mom left an abusive relationship when I was 3 and my little brothers were 2 and 1. THANK GOD!!! She is my hero forever for having done that for us. She still loved him at the time too, but she was thinking of us, and her sons growing up with that example of how to treat women and me growing up with that as an example of how to be treated, and she couldn't allow it. I am soooo grateful! She raised us all three ALONE working full time and more as a nurse. She didn't have any support system either. My granparents were enjoying their retirement years RV-ing the country. I remember alot of daycare and babysitters. But that was normal to us and we didn't feel cheated or wronged. Mom was "always at work" but if ever we needed her she would be there. Of course it was hard, and now I think it's normal to have dinner at 9pm because of how late she would work , but we are all stronger for it. Independent, self-confident, with a strong sense of justice. She is an example of strength and sacrifice and doing the right thing even if it hurts and it takes years to see the good come out of it. She taught me so much just by example.... She rocks! Thank you mom! :

PLEASE PLEASE don't have an abortion to save an abusive relationship just because you don't think you can do it alone or can't imagine life otherwise! Just like having a baby doesn't "fix" a relationship, ending a baby doesn't "fix" it either!

My father wanted my mother to abort my youngest brother Jake. I'm sooo glad she didn't, cause I never would have this best friend I do now who is a genius musician, great father, and fun guy. I wouldn't have known someone like him was possible, or heard his music,, and I wouldn't have my nieces either.
post #53 of 99
Get out the phone book or go to Google.

Get the name of your local women's shelter.

Explain your situation and see if anyone can come get you and your children.

Now.

Good luck.
post #54 of 99
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2NaturalBabies View Post
Thanks so much for your continued support and advice. I appreciate it SO much as I feel like I have no one to talk to, and no one who cares. Here's today's update. He came home last night after work about 2am. He walked in, completely ignored me and went to sleep on the couch. This morning he had the same old jerk, arrogant, attitude. He completely ignored me at first, then when I tried to talk to him and told him that what he said was unforgivable etc. He sais "Oh, here we go with your effing whining and crying again, you're so annoying! Just shut the eff up!." So I told him that I was done with him, that I didn't want to be with him anymore. So he said "Oh well, looks like you better get an effing job then." So I said, there's only $50 left in the account, don't blow it because the kids need bread, fruit, and some other groceries. So he got all high and mighty and said "It's MY effing money! I'll do whatever I want with it! My kids NEVER go without and that's all that matters." So I said "Umm, yes your kids HAVE gone without before because of you thinking it's OK to just blow whatever money you want because you thought of an excuse to start a fight and be mad." So he told me " Shut the eff up, you're so effing stupid." Then he walked out the door. My 4 year old tried to go with him, but he put her back in the house and told her he was going to the mailbox to get the mail. WELL, that was FOUR hours ago! The little b*stard snuck off and took off. He doesn't work until 3pm today, and he didn't bring his cell. We have ONE car and I'm stranded here yet again, totally sick, and the only thing I can hold down is ginger ale and Saltines right now, everything else comes right back up, and I'm out of both. Then my 1 year old wakes up about an hour ago and he has a fever! It's 103 right now, so he's sick, and I'm out of infant Motrin and Tylenol. and I have NO way to get to the store. The nearest one is about 15 blocks away, and I have no one to help me. Looks like i'm going to have to put the baby in the stroller and walk there with my 4 year old in the heat. I am so sick and haven't been able to eat anything and keep it down for 2 days now, so I'm scared I might pass out or something.
That dude IS my dad! Or you married his TWIN. Right now, I would call the police and ask for a number for a womens shelter. Call the shelter and ask them to pick you and your kids up, explaining the situation. You and your kids will get taken care of, and they will help you get a job and place to live and child-care until you are on your feet with them. They may even have contacts for lawyers who will help you divorce him for free or a low payment plan.

GET OUT NOW. You can do this! I know how it is to suffer with HG too. it's aweful and took a very lenient/understanding boss for me to keep my job during that time. Reglan helped me then. I'm on Unisom and lot's of B vitamins for this one (no HG this time).

One of the last memories I have of my dad living with us is when I got involved in a fight they were having. He was pushing my mom and I grabbed his leg and pulled and told him to stop and he pushed me off of him. Then he shoved her into the bedroom and locked me out. I remember hearing him finish with her. Please don't let you daughter have another memory of her dad's anger and abuse like this one today. I don't want another little girl having memories anywhere like mine. It colors how you see all men the rest of your life.
post #55 of 99
I agree with everyone saying you should get out, and get out fast.

But the real issue I see is your child's health. Your kid is SICK. You need to either get some medicine, or help.... because god forbid this gets worse. 103 isn't a 'mild' fever.

Don't mess with your child's health. He/she cannot fend for him/herself, so you need to do something.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but its not something I would mess around with at all.

Good luck.
post #56 of 99
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewTennMom View Post
I agree with everyone saying you should get out, and get out fast.

But the real issue I see is your child's health. Your kid is SICK. You need to either get some medicine, or help.... because god forbid this gets worse. 103 isn't a 'mild' fever.

Don't mess with your child's health. He/she cannot fend for him/herself, so you need to do something.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but its not something I would mess around with at all.

Good luck.
As soon as it cools off a little I'm walking to the store with the kids. I would go now but it's 110 degrees out right now. Also, my HG is the worst in the in the afternoons too. I'm hoping to leave in about 2 hours, I'm giving him a cool bath right now.
post #57 of 99
Please take care of yourself and your kids. Everyone on here has great advice. Don't be afraid to ask for help and use the resources in your community. Call somebody to help you get out of there and take you and the kids (even if it's to the store) you probaly shouldn't be out in the heat with a sick child and your pregnancy symptoms.

Thinking of you!
post #58 of 99
That's all nice. Especially when it's this hot, you need to take care of yourself and your children. Your husband is out. You have some time before he gets back (and from your description, he's likely to not be very useful to you when he returns). Call a shelter now. Or call your midwife. I bet she has some resources she could point you too. It is not safe for you to be walking 15 blocks with 2 kids, one of whom has an untreated fever, in 110 degree heat.

If you're in my state (and I suspect you are, because I know the temperature right now) it's not going to drop below 100 in the next 24 hours. So it's not really going to be safe for you (pregnant, increasingly dehydrated) to spend a lot of time outside real soon. Possibly not this week. Call for help. You could also try the police non-emergency number. It's in the phone book.

I'll recap because dehydration makes it hard for me to concentrate.

People you could call for help:
1. A shelter (check phonebook)
2. Police non-emergency number (check phonebook)
3. Your midwife
4. Your child's pediatrician

Sick baby, sick pregnant mama, (currently useless, absent husband) = stik abandons tact and gets straight to the point:
Pick one of these and call now. You need food and medicine for the baby. Work through the list and follow up with their suggestions until someone helps you.
post #59 of 99
Don't wait two hours! You have the time now. Find the number of a shelter and call them. They will be able to help you with your sick child.

Not meaning to sound harsh here, but you need to act right now.
post #60 of 99
Yes, act before he gets back. Call the people Stik said to call. You don't want him to catch you making these calls. After you call them, delete them from your "called" list in your cell phone (or use a home phone and call someone else afterwards if that's an option).

The most dangerous time for a woman is when she's considering leaving. He's leaving you helpless and alone, and you need to take your power back.
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