WWYD? 18 year old and weekend trip with boyfriend

[MtBikeLover]

I have an 18 year old stepdaughter and my H asked me last night what I would do in this case and I am curious what others would do.

Background - I have an 18 year old step-daughter who was kept back a year so she has one more year of school and is still living at home with her mom. This is creating lots of tension because she feels she is an adult, yet she still has to obey by her moms rules (moms words, not mine...I feel her mom is WAY TOO controlling). Example - she got a tattoo (small one, behind her ear) and her mom and my H FREAKED out. I think - no big deal, she is 18, it is her body, so what. They think she has to live by mom's rules because she is still in school. And last week, her mom made her tell her what the password was on her myspace account. So.....

She asked her mom if she could go away for a few days to a lake with her boyfriend. My H is pretty against it and it sounds like her mom is too. My H asked me what I would do and I said "I'd let her go". They know she's already had sex, they know she already drinks - what is she going to do on a lake that is so much worse than what she is doing at home???

I'm just curious - WWYD? I think they both need to realize she is an adult. Even though she still has a year of school left, they need to give in a little and let her have her independence.

[fek&fuzz]

I would let her go. But it doesn't sound like it's your decision.

If she feels like she's an adult, she should get a job and get her own apartment and then she can do what she likes.

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

I would let her go. But it doesn't sound like it's your decision.

Oh I know it is definitely not my decision. I'm just curious as to what others would do.

[1growingsprout]

Shes 18, shes an adult, its beyond 'letting' at this point. She doesnt have to as permission. I probably wouldnt want her to go. but rather then drive a spike further between my delicate relationship with my daughter i would tell her she is 18 if she has the $$ and the time off work to go, .... its her decision.

Since she is 18 has she thought about getting a GED in place of the final year of school? Is she working? I havent followed your story... im over on the 'little ones' side most of the time....

[angelpie545]

I agree, there is no "let" in this case. It never ceases to amaze me how many parents seem to think that they have a right to try to control their adult children, and how many adult children let them. She's of legal age. She can choose to go or not go, either way, it's not up to them. Sure, her parents have a right to voice their objections respectfully to her, but they have no right to tell her that she can or can't do something. It's not up to them anymore, whether she is in school or not.

[enkmom]

I would have no problem with this. My issues are always things like, who is driving, is the transportation reliable, etc. If everything checks out, I always say go and have a good time.

[PoppyMama]

She's 18 and legally they have no right to say where she goes and what she does with her body. Sure they can kick her out but that seems like a poor choice for a parent to make.

[fotomama]

She sounds like a pretty mature young lady to me, if both of her parents know about her sexual activity, tattoos and drinking, and she asks permission instead of sneaking off. Seems pretty upfront to me. (Not that she'd tell them she was going to hoover up 50lbs of blow at the lakehouse, necessarily... j/k)

I'd "let" her go - she's 18, so I agree with the other mamas who say she's too old to control in the 1st place.


To the OP.... If her mom and dad are against it, I'd let it go with them if I were in your shoes. (And that would be hard!) I'd also offer to be a chaperone for the trip. Brownie points w/ your stepdaughter if you'll get her parents off her back AND be a not overbearing chaperone. And maybe added comfort for the mom and your DH, that a responsible adult will be around.


Frankly, the only thing I'd make absolutely sure to do would be having a private conversation with her about making smart adult decisions (read: are you sure you could handle a baby/std/whatever if u sleep w/ your bf over the weekend?) This is the hard line parents should be using with their kids at puberty+

Good luck!

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by fotomama

To the OP.... If her mom and dad are against it, I'd let it go with them if I were in your shoes. (And that would be hard!) I'd also offer to be a chaperone for the trip. Brownie points w/ your stepdaughter if you'll get her parents off her back AND be a not overbearing chaperone. And maybe added comfort for the mom and your DH, that a responsible adult will be around.

I definitely don't try to convince them of anything. In fact, I don't even usually give my opinion because I always seem to differ from my H. Then I get the "Wait til our kids are 18 and see if you have the same opinion" lecture from my H.

This post was purely just me being curious as to how others would handle it. When I see stuff going on with them, it gives me lots to think about in terms of our own children.

She lives really far away so no chance of me going. We hardly have any relationship at all anyways (thanks to her mom!).

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by fotomama

She sounds like a pretty mature young lady to me, if both of her parents know about her sexual activity, tattoos and drinking, and she asks permission instead of sneaking off. Seems pretty upfront to me. (Not that she'd tell them she was going to hoover up 50lbs of blow at the lakehouse, necessarily... j/k)

That was the problem with the tattoo - she didn't ask for permission and she knew her mom was against it. She did it anyways.

[Mosaic]

I would probably let her go; but as others have touched on, the decision would be based more on the young lady's maturity and the specifics of the trip than her age or where she lives.

[Indigo73]

I was in high school for one week past my 18th birthday. The folks threw down the "my house, my rules" lecture one time too many and I said good bye, stayed with a friend's family until graduation and got permission to arrive at college early.

I didn't talk to either of them for over a decade and things are still strained.

Good luck with your step daughter, I wish her luck.

[redveg]

She's 18. I would let her go.

[avivaelona]

I asked my mom this question and the first thing she asked was "how long has she been with the boyfriend?" I thought it was a good question, knowing that the young man is someone the girl is comfortable with and trusts would make me respond differently than if it was someone she didn't know well yet.

Basically though, she has to make her own decisions at this point, but it seems like Hubby and mom could ask for some considerations...like if she can call in once a day perhaps or some sort of "let us know you are ok" arrangements.

I'm surprised that they are so protective still, is it because its with a boyfriend? Would they let her go if it was with some girlfriends? Has she shown evidence of having extremely poor judgement?

[bigeyes]

Of course I'd let her go.

My parents were super controlling, and at 18 I moved out to get away, which is exactly what she'll probably do the first chance she gets if this keeps up.

If she was 16, maybe not, but she's legally an adult, so what's the problem exactly?

[Organicavocado]

Originally Posted by MtBikeLover

That was the problem with the tattoo - she didn't ask for permission and she knew her mom was against it. She did it anyways.

She didn't need permission. She's 18 and can sign for herself, legally she owns her own body.

I wouldn't have a problem with it. I was on my own at 18 and still in high school (held back from kindergarten because of my parent's divorce). My now-husband would spend the night often, and we would go on trips when we could afford it.

[amydidit]

Unless something has changed, 18 is legally an adult and thus she doesn't need permission to go where she wants with her boyfriend. Now, since she is still living at home that doesn't mean she can do what she wants and still live there. Her parents do have the right to kick her out if they don't like her choices, but they have no right to make the decisions for her.

[ShadowMoon]

She's 18. She's an adult. I'd let her go.

[Mama Poot]

She's 18. Her parents cannot control her anymore, and it would be extremely unhealthy if they did. My mom attempted that crap with me and all I did was move out and have very little to do with her since. Is that what they want? I doubt it. She'll be fine.

[Arduinna]

She would go if she wanted to. I personally loathe the whole, still in school have to live by moms rules thing. Her decision to stay in school is great but it's her choice now that she is 18. And the last I'd be wanting to do is be a control freak so my kid wants to get away from me as soon as possible.

And don't even get me started on the on whole, you aren't an adult unless you have a job and are self supporting .