WWYD? 18 year old and weekend trip with boyfriend - Page 2

[SeekingJoy]

Like several pp, I think she should be able to make her own decisions.

I got married two weeks after my 18th birthday just so I could get away from my parents -- and I had been in college since I was 16. (Luckily, DH is incredible and we are working on 11 years together.) Is that what her parents want? I still can't/don't talk with them about anything other than the weather.

[Ann-Marita]

I'd talk with her about protection, make sure she had a way to contact me if she needed, and I'd wish her a nice weekend.

Of course, I'm assuming that she has been with this fellow for a while and they treat each other well (no abuse). And the OP said that she had already had sex with him.

[akaisha]

hmm, if i was her i'd be outta there, and i'm 22 so i think i'm still close enough to 18 to understand how they think at that age. i moved out 2 weeks after my 18th, and graduated high school with honours 4 months later. it can be done. however, if my 18 year old was at home and asked what i thought i'd have no issue with it whatsoever. i'd be fine with it with a 17 year old too. i did it at 17 in fact, spent a week at BF's during the summer, and weekends visiting him at university while i was 17 as well. mom didn't mind at all. we lived together for 3 years, then decided we wanted our own places and have lived apart for 18 months, 7 of those 18 in different provinces. we're still together.

what really blows my mind is the parents of the people i went to university with who didn't even live at home, or only lived at home in the summer, but worked fulltime. it was crazy how much they tried to control their lives. newsflash, your kid is an adult, lives on their own 8+ months a year, supports them self while going to school fulltime, and somehow didn't die without your constant supervision. imagine the thought.

at 18 and 21 DP and i had our own apartment and paid for all the rent and bills that go with it, except for a portion paid by DP's dad in accordance with a child support agreement. we had a car that was paid for in full by us and paid any expenses associated with that. we had credit cards we paid off every month and we were putting ourselves through university. by the time we were 19 and 22 we had also added the responsibility of our three cats into the mix as well as put new doors on my mom's house and paid for her cell phone. i guess what i'm saying is what you already know, there are a lot of 18 year olds out there who are not only make mature, adult decisions, but have the knowledge and sense of responsibility to live up to the choices they've made without asking mommy and daddy for help.

[Jessy1019]

I'd think it odd that she was asking for permission, if she were mine. 18 is an adult. If my kids are living home at that age, I will expect them to be courteous, to tell me where they're going and when they intend to come back . . . but they won't need my permission to go on vacation.

[doctorjen]

Interesting that this is phrased in terms of "let her" or not. At 18, I hope to not be making decisions about "letting" anymore. Hopefully, by that point, they are comfortably making a lot of their own big decisions and I'm just available if advice is wanted.

My ds will be 20 next month and while he may ask me for advice about something, he doesn't ask me if he can go somewhere any more. I think, though, that really this kind of issue starts long before someone is 18 and wanting to spend the weekend away. My oldest son, and hopefully all my kids will follow suit, has slowly grown into his independence taking more and more responsibility on as he was ready for it. It started really early with when he'd ask to do something we always talked it over and made the decision together. Also, while I don't insist that he be completely self-supporting to make his own decisions, some things are only his choice if they can be his responsiblity. For example, a tattoo is completely his choice - but of course he'd have to pay for it. A weekend trip at this point would be the same way - totally his decision, but also his responsiblity to plan and pay for. We have a great relationship, though, and he will often ask me for advice about stuff like this. Last summer, it was a road trip with some college buddies, but after discussion, he didn't feel like he knew enough about the planners/drivers and didn't feel like he had the money to spare, so he didn't go. By the time they are old enough to be wanting to make bigger plans and decisions, you hope you have helped them learn to make decisions independently and with good decision making skills and that they feel comfortable enough with the adults in their lives to ask for help and advice if they need it.

(I only added that last bit because the OP mentioned having younger children and wondering how it would be different when they were bigger)

[ma_vie_en_rose]

Originally Posted by amydidit

Unless something has changed, 18 is legally an adult and thus she doesn't need permission to go where she wants with her boyfriend. Now, since she is still living at home that doesn't mean she can do what she wants and still live there. Her parents do have the right to kick her out if they don't like her choices, but they have no right to make the decisions for her.

ITA

She may be old enough to do what she wants, but she is also old enough to live with the consequences of those actions.

[PiePie]

wow i am expected to be in the minority with a no but i am really in the minority. wow.

[amis2girls]

Originally Posted by PiePie

wow i am expected to be in the minority with a no but i am really in the minority. wow.

I am, too.

[SheepNumber97245]

I said yes because at that age she is old enough to make her own decisions. I moved out for the first time when I was 17. She's an adult. It doesn't matter if she's still in school.

[Britishmum]

At 18 my parents wouldn't 'let' me go on a vacation with a group of friends. The boy wasn't even a boyfriend, just the brother of a friend, but they were clear that I wasn't 'allowed' to go.

It's all well and good saying that they have no right over her, but in reality, I felt that I had no choice. They were paying for my food and board, and I didn't want to end my relationship with them.

I didn't go, and shut up about it. But I resent it to this day. I felt controlled and belittled, and it still makes me mad. And that was over 20 years ago!

For the sake of my relationship with my kids, I hope that I never have that sort of feeling that I have power over them. I hope that when they reach that age we have had enough frank discussions that they understand safety issues - condoms, not drinking and driving etc, but at 18, I want to be able to trust them to go ahead and make good choices, while having fun.

So, I really, really hope that my relationship with my kids is good enough that at 18 I could wave them off and wish them a good time.

[Britishmum]

Thinking about it, also, the thought of an 18 year old drinking alcohol makes me think -------------nothing. To me, that's normal, and I'd prefer my 18 year old enjoys a little alcohol and understands how to drink responsibly, than that I"ve controlled them so much with a puritanical outlook that they see drink as something that needs to be hidden away and sneaked.

[Amylcd]

She is an adult. She no longer needs permission from her parents to do the things she wants... ( I really hope she realizes this. My sister is 20 and still does whatever my mother wants - she isn't allowed to be alone with her boyfriend, etc.)

[mamato3cherubs]

Sorry to be blunt, but WOW...This is about the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a very long time.

What kind of parent thinks they can make that decision for an adult child. Yes they have the right to set rules for her to follow under that roof, but what? "you cant go, if you do, you are kicked out!". Absurd. and the idea of a chaperon at 18, that just makes me sick.

I don't care if the girl never finished the 4th grade. she is an adult.

Her parents could be making a huge mistake here. They are working on the details of how the relationship with this adult daughter is going to go in the future years.

[MilkTrance]

I moved out at 18, so this thread is slightly amusing to me.

[MilkTrance]

Originally Posted by Britishmum

Thinking about it, also, the thought of an 18 year old drinking alcohol makes me think -------------nothing. To me, that's normal, and I'd prefer my 18 year old enjoys a little alcohol and understands how to drink responsibly, than that I"ve controlled them so much with a puritanical outlook that they see drink as something that needs to be hidden away and sneaked.

I live in Canada, so to me, drinking at 18 is pretty normal.

[choli]

At 18, I had left home, was working full time, and was sending money home, not being supported.

Hard to say - if I was being financially supported at that age, I might have felt some obligation to follow my mother's rules. Since I wasn't, I didn't.

[allgirls]

I have a daughter the same age. She just moved into an apartment with her boyfriend.

Think I could have stopped her?

She is a very mature young woman. She carres a job and is finishing up school(all A's last semester!) and he does the same. They saved money, they bought brand new furniture, they saved enough for their vacation and next months' rent and they are very happy together.

I cannot imagine saying no, my 18 year old couldn't go somewhere for a weekend. They should surely have some independance at 18.

This is about compliance and not parenting I think.

And yeah...she will listen because she lives under her mother's roof. But if enough of this goes on..not for long.

[nextcommercial]

My dd will live by my rules until she no longer lives with me. Being 18 only makes her an adult on paper. I wasn't an "adult" til at least 20. At 18, I was still very immature.

If she had a job, made car payments, and no longer needed to be financially supported, I might think differently. But, a kid who just finished her junior year in high school, still needs more guidance.

I think it's great that she asked first though. It shows a lot of trust. It could also possibly show that she doesn't actally want to go. She might somehow be hoping someone would say "no".

By the way.. Tha tatoo was her business only. I wouldn't have even questioned it, unless I wanted to know how it was paid for.

I do think her parents are too controlling about most things.

[pumpkinyum]

Nope.

[talk de jour]

Jesus, she's an adult. That's the end of it as far as I'm concerned.