Encouraging but not putting down a Mom?

[Jesskathand]

At work, there's a mom, let's call her S, who had a baby boy in April, my DS was born in March so we were talking last week when she came back. She works in the main office, I don't see her often nor do I know her very well.

She asked how my DS sleeps at night and I said "great, he fidgets, I give him a boob, he stays asleep and eats at the same time"

She said "oh you're boobing it? that's great. I pumped for 16 days and couldn't handle it"

Me "oh were you having latch problems?"

her "yea and I couldn't handle the pumping so we switched to formula. my two older kids never got any bm so we were happy that he got 16 days"

I said something about how great colostrum is and that any amount is better than none but other than that, I didn't know what to say. She obviously wanted to breastfeed, but I don't know what issues she had or what support she had. I felt like I should have said something more but I didn't want to put her down by implying that she didn't really try.

Another woman in the office (who nursed all 4 of her kids) starts saying how easy nursing is, how its always the right temperature, always ready, etc.

What would you do? If she plans on having more kids, and does want to breastfeed, then I wish I could say something now....

[elisent]

I would just wait and if she gets pregnant again bring it up then. Anything you say now will just make her feel defensive.

[1littlebit]

it may seem like she is good with how things are but i bet shes not as ok with it as she sounds. speaking from expirience i think most women who make it out of the hospital still breastfeeding really want to do so and if that fails for whatever reason they feel like a failure and grieve for their breastfeeding relationship. so i would wait and see if she gets pregnant again and then offer lots and lots of support and encouragement so that she doesnt fall into the "i tried it and it didnt work so why bother" trap

[krystyn33]

It's great that you are being sensitive. I would imagine she's still processing this and it's pretty emotional territory.

So I would follow her lead--just be a good listener and if the opportunity arises suggest the failure was not her but lack of the quality support every mama needs to BF successfully. You might offer to provide her with some of that support should she have another child.

[kriket]

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

offer lots and lots of support and encouragement so that she doesnt fall into the "i tried it and it didnt work so why bother" trap

I think thats the way to go about it! I've always wondered. My office mate (who runs around MDC some) Had a HORRIBLE time BFing DS1. You could tell that she wished she could have done better. So when DS2 came in april (?) she was ready to rock.... then come to find out he had a super high palate and was rubbing her poor nips raw I know it's hard for her but she is pumping and is over coming poor supply which totally rocks! We're all very proud of her!

You can't make anyone do anything, you just have to support them and set a good example!

[Ruthla]

My typical response to a story like that is "I'm sorry you didn't have the support you needed to continue BF." It validates her feelings of loss, recognizes that she's done BF this child (no from me pressure to relactate) but subtly plants the idea in her head that it wasn't her body's fault that nursing didn't work out; with something different (more support) she might be able to BF in the future.

I woudln't bring up the topic again, but if she brings it up I'd let her know I'm available if she wants to talk about breastfeeding, and then follow her lead if she needs to talk about her feelings of loss, or if she wants practical tips to prevent this from happening with a subsequent baby. For now I'd focus on general mothering support and ways she can be an involved, attached mother while bottlefeeding- but again, only as it comes up in natural conversation.

[Khourtniey]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

My typical response to a story like that is "I'm sorry you didn't have the support you needed to continue BF." It validates her feelings of loss, recognizes that she's done BF this child (no from me pressure to relactate) but subtly plants the idea in her head that it wasn't her body's fault that nursing didn't work out; with something different (more support) she might be able to BF in the future.

I woudln't bring up the topic again, but if she brings it up I'd let her know I'm available if she wants to talk about breastfeeding, and then follow her lead if she needs to talk about her feelings of loss, or if she wants practical tips to prevent this from happening with a subsequent baby. For now I'd focus on general mothering support and ways she can be an involved, attached mother while bottlefeeding- but again, only as it comes up in natural conversation.

Bolded is very important

If it were me I would make an opportunity to bring it up.. Not straight out asking her or saying anything to her but striking up a conversation along the lines of the babies and their eating habits or something... And then bring it up then.

[1littlebit]

it was after i failed at breastfeeding ds that i became a real little lactivist (thanks, in large part, to all of you) i realized that i had been given misinformation, and the wrong kind of support and i was grieving a lot and wanted more then anything to be able to bf again and one of the things that helped me was reading all of these posts and understanding that the problem wasnt mine so much.. yeah i wish i had known before .. but i wish more then anything that i had gotten real pro breastfeeding support. people are so worried about pressuring a new mom and not making her feel bad that often they say oh its ok to stop bfing, babies who take bottle grow up happy and healthy, bottle feeding doesnt make you a bad mother... etc.. all of which are true to an extent. the problem is that a new vulnerable mother who really wanted to breastfeed may initially listen to these things but b/c breastfeeding is instinctual and something she really wanted to do she probably feels guilt and grief and regret.. especially if its been recently that she stopped. if she ever brings it up again i would take that opprotunity to try and get her excited to learn about lactivism, learn about the support other women arent getting. as much as we need women who are successfully breastfeeding their children we also need the women who have failed in that so that they can help other women in that situation as well.. and help understand in a compassionate way why people fail. people who fail with one child often dont try with the others.... and i think the longer people go not knowing why their first breastfeeding attempt did not work the less likely they are to try again ... esp. in her case since the other kids had formula . sorry so long.. i ramble when i get going

[SallyN]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

My typical response to a story like that is "I'm sorry you didn't have the support you needed to continue BF." It validates her feelings of loss, recognizes that she's done BF this child (no from me pressure to relactate) but subtly plants the idea in her head that it wasn't her body's fault that nursing didn't work out; with something different (more support) she might be able to BF in the future.

I woudln't bring up the topic again, but if she brings it up I'd let her know I'm available if she wants to talk about breastfeeding, and then follow her lead if she needs to talk about her feelings of loss, or if she wants practical tips to prevent this from happening with a subsequent baby. For now I'd focus on general mothering support and ways she can be an involved, attached mother while bottlefeeding- but again, only as it comes up in natural conversation.

ditto!

[Jesskathand]

Thanks Mommas!
Lots of good advice here

[waiting2bemommy]

yeah,itmay be too late at this point but atmy doctors office one day I was nursing ds and teh girl behind the desk was telling me how she had weaned her dsbecause she couldn't keep up with him and she hating getting up with him at night,etc etc but I could tellshe kind of wished she hadn't. So Iasked her when she stopped and she said only 2 weeks ago.I started telling erh about how your body can sometimes relactatew with stimulation (although I don't know much about it) and I told her about motehring.com. Turns out she still had milkand was still needing breast pads, she just didn't know she could increase her supply enough to keep up with the baby. She toldme she was going to come on here for help & start nursing again, because she missedit but had thought it was too late. so ya never know...