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Could just use a hug. Vent from a sad mama. Update : ]

post #1 of 51
Thread Starter 
I hope this is an ok place to post this.
__
They strapped him down to a board. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THEY WERE GOING TO DO THAT. Seriously, like some sort of sick torture, WTF? Even in my uninformed state, I WOULD NOT have been ok with that!

I researched it. Really...I thought I did. I went to the (mainstream) baby sites, (I had never even heard of natural parenting, I am not from a crunchy place nor a crunchy family), I read the mainstream magazines and the mainstream baby book I got for Christmas...I really thought I knew. To me those weren't 'mainstream' they were just, regular, I didn't know there was an alternative. Everything I read said it wasn't a big deal. It's not fair...why didn't google pop up with MDC? Why didn't I know someone that could have said 'hey, have you thought about, um, NOT doing it?' Why didn't someone tell me the benefits about not doing it? And that the 'benefits' from doing it were LIES. Why didn't the doctor who did it tell me those things?!

And, holy crap, why didn't they tell me they were going to strap my sweet one day old baby boy down to a board. Why? They should be REQUIRED to tell you that!

It was 3 years ago(in a few days) and I only heard 'the truth' as of about a year ago. I've had nightmares since then, avoided MDC because of the constant reminders in peoples' signatures, and as recently as yesterday, nearly hyperventilated thinking about it.

I'm not stupid, I was misinformed and lied to, and I can't know what I don't know...but when will this hurt go away?

I HATE them for not telling me.

I HATE me for failing as a mother at my first chance to protect my sweet baby.

What am I supposed to tell him? When? How?

post #2 of 51


If ds had been my first, he would have been circ'd. It doesn't make it right. But do all you can to educate others about the right choice.
post #3 of 51


I'm so sorry! I just cannot wait until stories like yours are a thing of the past. This has got to end....like forestrymom said - educate others and tell your story. The one big positive that can come of your situation is that moms who have circ'ed and regretted it are often the ones that others are most willing to listen to.
post #4 of 51
they should have told you and it isnt to late to write to the hosptial and to the Dr. that did it and let them know exactly how you feel. Tell them that you would never have concented had you known and what happened to informed concent.

You can make a difference mama. Tell everyone you know who will listen about the horror of circ. Dont beat yourself up mama as we say here When you know better you do better.
post #5 of 51


I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It isn't right that doctors don't give parents informed consent for this procedure.

When your son is old enough to understand, tell him that parents sometimes make mistakes and that you made one when he was a baby. The doctors told you it would be better for him and, being a parent who always does what's best for him, you thought it was the right thing to do. But you've since learned that you shouldn't have, and you're really sorry.

If he gets older and wants it, give him information on restoration.

In the meantime, tell your story. Tell your loved ones and friends the truth about circumcision and how you feel you were tricked into an unnecessary procedure by a trusted medical professional.

Sometimes being active can help heal the wounds.
post #6 of 51
: I know your pain. I was uninformed too Thats they way they like for us to be. How else would they be able to make a buck.

They shouldn't be soliciting cosmetic surgery on healthy newborns in the first place!

"Do you desire to circ? "

WTF???

"Do you desire to have my foot up your a$$?"

*sigh* only if we knew then what we know now

But now that we do know, we need to let others know so they're not tricked into it like we were. Just like we wish someone had told us about the harms and irreversible damage circumcision causes; telling others, I'll echo asunlitrose, who said:

Quote:
tell your story. Tell your loved ones and friends the truth about circumcision and how you feel you were tricked into an unnecessary procedure by a trusted medical professional.
Its been 8yrs. I talk about it a lot! I hand out nocirc cards to every pregnant woman I see. I have "Bring your WHOLE baby home, say NO to circumcision" and "The foreskin is NOT a birth defect: www.STOPINFANTCIRCUMCISION.org" bumper stickers on the back of my Honda Odyssey. Which btw, some gorgeous guy took a picture of my stickers with his camera phone & with a plastered grin on his face while I was ordering my Starbucks yesterday!


I have to admit tho, it can be hard because you're still going through the grieving process. That takes time. For some, it seems to be forever, for others, it will come and go. For those people, its good to take a break and when ready they're back in full force intactivism mode.

Just remember, Marilyn Milos had her three boys circumcised. She didn't know any better. Once she did learn the truth she was mortified like we were/are. She founded Nocirc. www.nocirc.org. All of her grandsons are intact.

s

Write (or call or both) to the doctor and hospital administrator and tell your story. Really express how angry you are. This will be a HUGE help in the healing process.
post #7 of 51
Me too, you're not alone. I avoid this forum like the plague because it hurts so much. I feel so guilty. It's not okay that they're still doing this to parents and babies. Try not to beat yourself up too much.
post #8 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by nini02 View Post


I'm so sorry! I just cannot wait until stories like yours are a thing of the past. This has got to end....like forestrymom said - educate others and tell your story. The one big positive that can come of your situation is that moms who have circ'ed and regretted it are often the ones that others are most willing to listen to.
:


My doula really regretted circ'ing her son and that solidified my decision to leave my son intact.
post #9 of 51
I think A&A's sig really just sums it all up.
post #10 of 51
You were misled, mama. Who made the money off your son's circ? The doctor and hospital. Whose job was it to inform you of the risks and outcomes and methods of the cosmetic surgery he had? The doctor and hospital. Yes, you had a responsibility as his parent to protect your son, but at the end of the day who enabled you to make a choice about which you were not truly informed? You guessed it.

Write a letter to your doctor. Let him or her know how you feel, and how you are angry because the doctor failed to ensure you were making a fully informed choice. If a different doctor circed than did your prenatal care and/or delivery, write to your OB whom you saw during your pregnancy and let him/her know how angry you are that s/he didn't take the time to educate you on this crucially important decision directly affecting your newborn.

Write a letter to the hospital. And to your state medical board. Let them all know that a) they solicited cosmetic surgery on your newborn and b) failed to inform you and c) your son is permanently harmed as a result, and you are ANGRY. Oh, and write your insurance company, too.

The system is stacked against parents and baby boys, and the system needs to change. The only way that's going to happen is if we force it to change.

Even the AAP, which has a pretty wishy-washy statement about circumcision, says:'

Quote:
ABSTRACT. Existing scientific evidence demonstrates potential medical benefits of newborn male circumcision; however, these data are not sufficient to recommend routine neonatal circumcision. In circumstances in which there are potential benefits and risks, yet the procedure is not essential to the child's current well-being, parents should determine what is in the best interest of the child. To make an informed choice, parents of all male infants should be given accurate and unbiased information and be provided the opportunity to discuss this decision. If a decision for circumcision is made, procedural analgesia should be provided.
http://www.cirp.org/library/statements/aap1999/

Before you do any of this, though, get the complete medical records of your son's birth, and put them somewhere safe so that he can choose whether or not to sue the doctor and hospital when he turns 18. And then write in the letters (after you've gotten the complete medical records) that you've done this, and that the doctor and hospital are at legal risk for each and every circumcision they do for the next 20 years after each one is performed.

I'm sorry, mama. You can't change what was done to your son but you can channel your grief and anger into positive steps to help save other babies from this doctor- and hospital-sanctioned torture.
post #11 of 51
So sorry you & your son have to go through this! Thank you for speaking up and letting others know your story.
post #12 of 51
I'm so so sorry, mama .

Can only imagine the agony you're going through right now .

Please do write the hospital and the doctor.

I think that watching circ video has to be a must for signing a concent form. But unfortunately, doctors know that no parent in right mind would concent to it if they saw what a tourture it is.
post #13 of 51
, mama.
post #14 of 51

Ahh, I know how it is to have guilt. I was lucky enough to have has several friends clue me in about circ before I had a baby, but my children have rotten teeth and I'm pretty sure it's because of choices I made. So I carry that guilt around. I feel for you.
But your story makes me feel better about educating other pregnant women. I always try to give anyone who is expecting some articles or information, so they KNOW. Sometimes I question myself, wonder if I should press myself on people I hardly know and try to tell them how to live. But then I hear a story like yours; you WISH you knew beforehand! And so I feel like I really owe it to the world to keep on trying to get the real information out there and into the right hands. Because the doctors and hospitals have really dropped the ball on getting out the facts! They let profit get in the way and LIE LIE LIE to parents!
And even midwives and birth centers aren't without fault. After a lovely birth center birth, I went home and when I called the next day to let them know that we had come up with a name for the baby, they asked if I wanted them to make an appointment at the hospital for a circ. UGH!!!! What mom, if she hadn't been exposed to the reasons not to circ, wouldn't think that was an endorsement?
THank you for your bravery in coming to this board and sharing your story!

Jen
post #15 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunflowerkelli View Post
I hope this is an ok place to post this.
__
They strapped him down to a board. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THEY WERE GOING TO DO THAT. Seriously, like some sort of sick torture, WTF? Even in my uninformed state, I WOULD NOT have been ok with that!

I researched it. Really...I thought I did. I went to the (mainstream) baby sites, (I had never even heard of natural parenting, I am not from a crunchy place nor a crunchy family), I read the mainstream magazines and the mainstream baby book I got for Christmas...I really thought I knew. To me those weren't 'mainstream' they were just, regular, I didn't know there was an alternative. Everything I read said it wasn't a big deal. It's not fair...why didn't google pop up with MDC? Why didn't I know someone that could have said 'hey, have you thought about, um, NOT doing it?' Why didn't someone tell me the benefits about not doing it? And that the 'benefits' from doing it were LIES. Why didn't the doctor who did it tell me those things?!

And, holy crap, why didn't they tell me they were going to strap my sweet one day old baby boy down to a board. Why? They should be REQUIRED to tell you that!

It was 3 years ago(in a few days) and I only heard 'the truth' as of about a year ago. I've had nightmares since then, avoided MDC because of the constant reminders in peoples' signatures, and as recently as yesterday, nearly hyperventilated thinking about it.

I'm not stupid, I was misinformed and lied to, and I can't know what I don't know...but when will this hurt go away?

I HATE them for not telling me.

I HATE me for failing as a mother at my first chance to protect my sweet baby.

What am I supposed to tell him? When? How?

Your not dumb, or stupid. Look at all the parents in the United States that circ. Like you they were all caught in the cultural norm, they all follow what is told to them is ok.

Culture is a useful tool. Instead of each generation starting from scratch we pick up old traditions, and information about doing everything, and making anything. By existing in a culture we learn a swell of information.

The problem is if we question nothing we will not catch cultural errors like circumcision.

You know those old apple ads the "Think Different" ones. Sometimes you have to have the courage to step out of the mainstream and trust your instincts.

You got caught up in the practice and your son took the hit for it. On a cultural level very much like how female circumcisions take place in other countries, where parents think its for the best. (seeing how its usually the mother, or grandmother who holds down the daughter for the surgery)

But there is still stuff that you can do. You have a voice, and there is power in that. Voice yourself with your family and friends so they know the truth, and they know there is another option, a better option then infant circumcision.

Also for your son its important you focus on raising him with a good body image, and at the same time giving him a sense of value to his WHOLE body, even the part that was cut away.

This cycle continues because from the moment of circumcision the idea that part of their bodies are valueless is deeply instilled in american guys. An idea that is reinforced through their lives. Its your job to work against that, because thats something mothers of a circed or intact son have to deal with living in America.

good luck, and I hope you can turn this pain into something that can help this country, and more importantly, help your son become a better person.
post #16 of 51
oops
post #17 of 51
I'm so sorry. I've been there, too. It gets much better with time. I hardly ever even think about itany more, though there was much anguish at one point.

OP, moms like you are the only reason I keep up with intactivism. There are plenty of parents out there who would just do it anyway...nothing's going to change their minds. It's not even worth arguing with them. But there are also a lot of moms like you who would never do it if they only knew they didn't have to, who just need to know that there's a wealth of support and information out there for not doing it.
post #18 of 51
Im so sorry hun. please realize that there is so much misinformation about everything! i avoided mdc at first b/c i failed at bfing but after i stopped and read what was on here i found a lot of support and great outlets for anger and guilt. use what you know now to educate and inform others. you cant turn back time so go forward and help change what is so that other mothers will understand. i think no matter how mainstream a mama is most would never be ok with circ if they really knew what it was.. so maybe you can use your expirience to help other 'non crunchy' mamas make a truly informed choice.
post #19 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yulia_R View Post
I think that watching circ video has to be a must for signing a concent form. But unfortunately, doctors know that no parent in right mind would concent to it if they saw what a tourture it is.
We were lucky enough to take Bradley classes, where our teacher showed us a circ video - as well as a c-section video. So we knew what they really were when they were offered to us.

Dp and I disagreed on circ - even though he'd seen (through his hands over his eyes) the video - when dc1 was born, a girl as it turned out. (We didn't know the gender of any of our kids before birth.) But before we had dc2 and 3, he accidentally saw a friend's son circed - while waiting with the dad in the hallway of the hospital. He came back white as a ghost, and swore we'd never do that if we had a son. We ended up with three girls! But I am grateful to our Bradley childbirth teacher for educating us!
post #20 of 51


Your post left me in tears mama. Everyone has had such great advice. I think the best thing to do is help educate others. Now that you know the truth, you may be able to stop friends/family from making a mistake.
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