Could just use a hug. Vent from a sad mama. Update : ] - Page 2

[mamamillet]

I am sorry mama.
Your story is why I talk about circ with strangers.
I do think that many people just don't know.
Tell him and you made a mistake and are sorry.
Tell him when he is older he can sue the DR.
Tell him he can try and restore his foreskin.

[Fellow Traveler]

Originally Posted by sunflowerkelli

I hope this is an ok place to post this.
__
They strapped him down to a board. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THEY WERE GOING TO DO THAT. Seriously, like some sort of sick torture, WTF? Even in my uninformed state, I WOULD NOT have been ok with that!

I researched it. Really...I thought I did. I went to the (mainstream) baby sites, (I had never even heard of natural parenting, I am not from a crunchy place nor a crunchy family), I read the mainstream magazines and the mainstream baby book I got for Christmas...I really thought I knew. To me those weren't 'mainstream' they were just, regular, I didn't know there was an alternative. Everything I read said it wasn't a big deal. It's not fair...why didn't google pop up with MDC? Why didn't I know someone that could have said 'hey, have you thought about, um, NOT doing it?' Why didn't someone tell me the benefits about not doing it? And that the 'benefits' from doing it were LIES. Why didn't the doctor who did it tell me those things?!

And, holy crap, why didn't they tell me they were going to strap my sweet one day old baby boy down to a board. Why? They should be REQUIRED to tell you that!

It was 3 years ago(in a few days) and I only heard 'the truth' as of about a year ago. I've had nightmares since then, avoided MDC because of the constant reminders in peoples' signatures, and as recently as yesterday, nearly hyperventilated thinking about it.

I'm not stupid, I was misinformed and lied to, and I can't know what I don't know...but when will this hurt go away?

I HATE them for not telling me.

I HATE me for failing as a mother at my first chance to protect my sweet baby.

What am I supposed to tell him? When? How?

sunflowerkelli you're not stupid. It's hard to see the problem of circumcision when you live in a culture which so readily accepts it without question. But here is the silver lining, you know better now and the best thing you can do is talk about your experience with others think about how much you would have liked someone to tell you about it and take that energy and make sure others have the information you now have that you wish you had. It is the unquestioning silence that helps keep this going you can help break it. And of course if you have another son, you now can make a better decision. So stick around, read, and post. There are plenty of parents who post here that were/are in your position and in many ways they are our most compelling intactivists.

[momo7]

Originally Posted by sunflowerkelli

I hope this is an ok place to post this.
__
They strapped him down to a board. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THEY WERE GOING TO DO THAT. Seriously, like some sort of sick torture, WTF? Even in my uninformed state, I WOULD NOT have been ok with that!

I researched it. Really...I thought I did. I went to the (mainstream) baby sites, (I had never even heard of natural parenting, I am not from a crunchy place nor a crunchy family), I read the mainstream magazines and the mainstream baby book I got for Christmas...I really thought I knew. To me those weren't 'mainstream' they were just, regular, I didn't know there was an alternative. Everything I read said it wasn't a big deal. It's not fair...why didn't google pop up with MDC? Why didn't I know someone that could have said 'hey, have you thought about, um, NOT doing it?' Why didn't someone tell me the benefits about not doing it? And that the 'benefits' from doing it were LIES. Why didn't the doctor who did it tell me those things?!

And, holy crap, why didn't they tell me they were going to strap my sweet one day old baby boy down to a board. Why? They should be REQUIRED to tell you that!

It was 3 years ago(in a few days) and I only heard 'the truth' as of about a year ago. I've had nightmares since then, avoided MDC because of the constant reminders in peoples' signatures, and as recently as yesterday, nearly hyperventilated thinking about it.

I'm not stupid, I was misinformed and lied to, and I can't know what I don't know...but when will this hurt go away?

I HATE them for not telling me.

I HATE me for failing as a mother at my first chance to protect my sweet baby.

What am I supposed to tell him? When? How?

I know....I know. : No one told me either. I was just told it was routine, that it was "the thing to do" I hated my DH, I hated my MIL because I didn't want it done. I was totally pressured into it. I could hear him crying and crying. Horrible crying. UGH!

I let it happen three times. Then I told my DH that if he pressed me about it when DS # 4 came I would take the baby and leave town. I sent him info and told him I was totally against it and there was no way it was going to happen.. So he knew I meant business. After # 4 and #5 DS, it's not even discussed, it just isn't done. My MIL still gives me crap, but she can kiss my .

I always feel bad for mommies who have it done then afterwards find out the truth. I know how they feel....its just so sad....devastating. It's hard to forgive yourself. I think about it and I'm still really angry at them but especially myself for letting people talk me into doing what I knew in my heart was the wrong thing.

[QueenOfThePride]

I'm so sorry.

[midwestmeg]

I had a hard time when my SIL circ'd and one of the things that helped me was to remember that wounds do heal and it will be okay in the long run. I'm just saying this because if I were you I'd be looking for ways to move past this and forgive myself, kwim?!! You love your baby, you know now, hug him, nurse him and protect him, it will be okay. Love & hugs, Meg

PS: give us an update, mama!

[SleeplessMommy]

Please take the time to write a letter of complain to the doctors and hospital involved. Basically, you were not informed the procedure would cause pain and distress to your baby. (even if local anesthesia was involved.)

Very few parents complain to the docs - even when there is a bad outcome. Your letter can help change that.

[sunflowerkelli]

Originally Posted by midwestmeg

PS: give us an update, mama!

Give me a day or two. Still

[nini02]

Originally Posted by sunflowerkelli

Give me a day or two. Still

[jessjgh1]

((Hugs))

Jessica

[x.xiv.mmvii]

This makes me so angry/upset with those mainstream mags who so totally tout circ and CIO, only disclosing positive results.

UGH!

[AngelBee]

[PassionateWriter]

you can do what i do..i circ'd 2 sons for religious reasons.. my ds3 is intact as well as ds4 (in utero) will be. i talk about it as much as i can to prevent others from doing it to their sons.

thats all you can do..and apologize to your son when he is older (which i have done also).

[sunflowerkelli]

Wow.

I am so amazed by all the love and support I've found here. I really want to respond to everyone individually, but my nursling only gives me so much free time.

Thank you to everyone. Your kind words and support have made this very difficult time not just a little better- a LOT better. :

To the moms who are in the same boat: I cannot express how bittersweet it is to know that I'm not the only one, thank you for showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. The loooong, long dark tunnel. And I'm sorry for your pain, too. Extra hugs

Really, I feel like I'm repeating myself, but thank you from the bottom of my heart, everyone. I know everyone really cares and I feel so grateful for this community of wonderful mamas. (and sometimes papas).

Ok, enough with the thanks

Today, Abe turned 3. 3 years ago today he was perfect- and today he is perfect, too. Yes, he is missing some of his foreskin, but he has his life and his health and I know we are lucky.

Some exciting news that's making me really is only happening because I know how lucky we are. He was fortunate enough to not have a very close circ, and for the last several months I've been talking to him about 'hiding' his penis, by pulling the foreskin over the head. He plays with it constantly, anyway so I figured, why not maybe get a little restoration in there- since I would encourage it at a later time, anyway. Well. A few days ago, he got a mosquito bite right on the head of his penis (he's naked a LOT) and it was bothering him so I used it as an opportunity to sell my 'agenda'. I told him that if he remembered to keep 'hiding' his penis it would be really hard for the moquitos to bite him there. And I said that usually, a penis has skin to cover it, and that if he wanted to have skin cover his too, he could practice 'hiding' and that it might grow new skin. He was excited about this and I asked him tonight if he wanted to try to put some tape on there while he sleeps at night to help his new mosquito protector skin grow() and he gave a very enthusiastic 'Yeah!' I figured he wouldn't like it, but we tried it and said that he liked it and that it felt good. And I asked him if he needed to pee, and if he did just to take the tape off (it's the nice, not very sticky medical tape) it didn't hurt him at all, he peed, and wanted to put it back on!!! And I said that we could do that every night if he wanted, and he said, 'Yeah, and during the day too!' Ha. Btw, I'm amazed at how stretchy and pliable his skin is.

Anyway. I'm literally beaming as he sleeps up in bed- I just keep picturing his little hiding penis, new skin cells forming. (It sounds silly to think so much about it as I read this. )

So yeah. I feel a lot of hope right now. I of course would take any advice/warnings about the taping- how much air circulation needed? how long/how often? just don't worry about it as long as he doesn't complain and everything looks okay? TIA

The other thing I wanted some help with was the activism. I am ALL about the fact that I know better than anyone because of our experience, and I'm highly motivated to write letters, hand out business cards, talk to pregnant strangers, etc. BUT, I'm very worried about Abe's psyche. If I'm talking about it, or if I get a bumper sticker and he asks, etc, I'm just worried with all the 'babies are born perfect' slogans (which I 10000% agree with) that he might develop some self-esteem problems or the like. Should I just be careful not to talk about it in front of him until he's older? Or maybe if our restoration plan goes well, I won't have to worry about it as much. I'm just worried that he'll develop really hurt feelings be not being 'whole' 'perfect' and other terms that are commonly used in the activsim lingo. (Which I have no problem with them being used- just worried about them hurting my son's feelings if I use them in my activism).

Sorry for typing your eyes off - you wanted an update. :]

Thankyouthankyouthankyou again for all your support, I wish we could all be in the same room together so we could have a big group hug. Thanks for all you do for babies and their mamas. And by all means, you TELL PEOPLE too. I always see the 'what should I do' threads on here. Here's what to do: TELL THEM. DO NOT ASSUME THEY KNOW ANYTHING. Even if they say they've researched it (remember, I did). If they think you're a jerk or you're crazy oh well, at least you said something, and if they can hear the info and not change their mind, then they're not worth it anyhow- grieve for the baby, and move on. And if you tell them the truth and they're horrified and say they had no idea, then that's why you should tell them. Everytime you're wondering if you should say anything, think about my story, and others' like mine. WE WANT YOU TO TELL US.

And with our restoration project, I really feel pure and utter : The entire last year has been pretty dark, this was always on the back (and oft times front) of my mind. These last few days, and esp tonight, have been a really healing time for me, and I'm excited for the first time in a year about my son's future- yeah it was that bad. Not anymore though. ::

, Kelli

[nini02]

Aww, I am so glad you're feeling better! :

I think encouraging him to "hide" it like that is a good way to plant the seed for restoration later. Lord knows they like to play with it enough anyway, might as well give the playing a purpose

As for how to get involved with the activism while protecting his feelings, I think the big thing would be to stay positive in your approach. Instead of concentrating on the harm of circ, maybe concentrate more on the benefits of being intact - at least when he is within earshot or in a place where he might read it. And definitely, staying away from words like mutilate would be good.

I know for sure that there are lots of mamas with circ'ed boys who are active in this issue, so hopefully they will chime in. You may even want to start a new thread about that so they can see the question.

[midwestmeg]

I am so happy that you found the love, support and ideas you needed here. :: All the best mama. You sound like you are doing well. Good for you.

[phatchristy]

Sending you some hugs. I wish someone had been there to give you the information. Maybe you can turn the pain that you've experienced into an opportunity to reach out to other non-informed parents.

[jessjgh1]

Im glad you are feeling a little better and ready to pass your knowledge on to others.

I'd just go very cautiously with any restoration for your ds. He's really too young to really understand it and I personally think it is something that should be pursued by the individual when he is older. but that's just my opinion.

Perhaps having him do something to cover is fine, but I think usinig tape etc just seems a bit too much-- just my 2 cents.

Jessica

[Quirky]

Originally Posted by jessjgh1

Im glad you are feeling a little better and ready to pass your knowledge on to others.

I'd just go very cautiously with any restoration for your ds. He's really too young to really understand it and I personally think it is something that should be pursued by the individual when he is older. but that's just my opinion.

Perhaps having him do something to cover is fine, but I think usinig tape etc just seems a bit too much-- just my 2 cents.

Jessica

I agree. It's not something I would recommend going really active on. If you read through the foreskin restoration sites, there are a lot of techniques in terms of ensuring regrowth of inner vs. outer foreskin, how much pressure to do.

Then there's the fact that guys don't do tape/other restoration devices at night for fear that nighttime erections might cause too much tension and cause the circulation to be cut off, etc.

I can understand that you feel like you made a mistake and you want to fix it. I'm just not sure that this is the time or the way to do that. I think the person whose body it is needs to be in charge of the restoration process so he can exercise his own judgment on how much pressure to apply, what feels right and what doesnt, and so forth.

[sunflowerkelli]

Well, sh*t.

There goes that.

[Quirky]

Mama, I am so sad for you. Would you consider calling or emailing Marilyn Milos, founder of NOCIRC? You know she has 3 circed sons, right? I wonder if she could help you come to terms with this burden that's so heavy on you right now.