4yo DD doesn't want to be with her dad

[saraguzz]

My 4 yo DD seems to not to want anything to do with her dad most of the time. Sometimes simply she will not aknowledge his presence in the room, and sometime she will even tell him that she doesn't want to sit close to him on the sofa, or plainly that she doesn't like him. There are times when they will play together, but the situation is as described above most of the time.

When I put our youngest DD down for a nap in the afternoon, oldest DD screams outside the bedroom door and won't stay with her dad -who is fantastic, very present in her life and very loving- for anything in the world. She prefers to go to her room and play alone and call me until I can go to her, or just screams outside the bedroom door until I come out.

She always preferred me over her dad, and at the beginning we didn't really make much of it, thinking after weaning (at age 2) she would gradually become more attached to her dad as well, but that didn't really happen. He his very sad about this, and claims that no one he talks to about this subject has ever had the same experience, and that by this age every kid we know loves his/her dad and does not act like our DD.

What are your thoughts/experiences on this? Thanks!

Sara

[GoBecGo]

How is her sleep? How is her toilet training?

Is there ANY possibility she is being abused? Not necessarily by him, she might well be associating abuse with men in general, but is there ANY chance she is or has been molested by him or somene else?

[tuscany123]

Could it be that DD is jealous of younger sibling? DD had an exclusive BF relationship with you, now she has a sibling that is taking your time. She may be weaned, but seeing your youngest with you may make her act this way. It may not be so much she doesn't want to be with Dad but that she can't stand seeing someone else take her place with you. She is just "taking it out" on Dad, who has not yet developed that close relationship with her that you were able to thru BF.

I feel bad for your hubby, but I bet other Moms will chime in with experiences similar to yours that ultimately resolved.

[library lady]

My 4 yo has actually come out and said, "Dad, I hate you." Just today, he left for an interview and everybody kissed daddy goodbye but my 4 yo. She refuses to kiss him (or anybody else unless it is on her terms). Instead, he asked for rasberries and she gave it to him. She has always pushed daddy away and I can guarantee you the my DH has never ever abused my daughter. Some kids are just that way. When I was a kid, I preferred my dad (still do) and all but hated my mom. I loved her but she just didn't get me. In the case of my 4 yo, I think part of it is the fact that she and her daddy are too much alike and butt heads. My DH works everyday so I am home alone with my girls. My 4 yo is a creature of habit and doesn't like anything to be even slightly different. My oldest was like that too but she grew out of it rather quickly. My 4 yo still hasn't grown out of it. The best thing to do is tell your husband that it is not personal. I can be busy and have my hands full doing something and my 4 yo will insist on me doing something for her even though daddy is right there. If daddy even tries to do it, she will have a huge melt down. Daddy has learned that she will come to him when she feels like playing with him. The more he tries to play with her or have a relationship with her, the more she pushes him away. Here lately, they have been going places together like to the corner store. She loves to go places so it gives her some time with dad without me being there. If I am around, she is going to insist on having me. When she was little, I did work some. Plus, she got bumped out of the baby spot when we had #3. I feel like a lot of wanting my attention comes from the fact that I don't always give her enough time and attention no matter how hard I try. I don't know if any of this makes sense but my 15 mo is helping me so I am going to stop.

[4evermom]

By 4, my ds did enjoy his dad more but earlier he usually wanted me. When they did find some activity that they both enjoyed, I made sure to stay out of it and have it be daddy's special thing. For them, playing with trains, legos, and certain computer games are their special things that mommy doesn't do. It helped, but what didn't help was if dh tried to hard to keep ds from coming to me (if I was trying to do something w/o a child). That would backfire and make ds not want to be with dh.

[PudnHead]

My 4 year, who is a boy, is doing the same type of thing. My DH is not taking it as well as your DH. I have tried explaining it to him, but he doesn't understand.

I understand because I was the same way when I was young. I remember feeling very uncomfortable around my dad (there is no abuse I was just a mommy's girl). One day, I distinctly remember going with my brothers to their hockey pratice and feeling very uncomfortable with my dad. I remember thinking how silly it was because he was never mean to me and my brother really like him. From that day forward, I changed how I thought of my dad. I made it a point to do things with him and mom even found some father/daughter activities for us. In fact, at one point I think I became more of a daddy's girl. I can't remember how old I was when I made that change but I would say I was anywhere from 5 to 7 years old.

I think eventually things will change, but it will take time. Right now DH and DS snuggle on the couch and watch cartoon while I put DD to bed. After I put her to bed, I usually take extra time for myself and get on MDC. I try to stay away from them because when I come in the room, DS wants only me and that upsets my DH.

Well anyways, good luck

[amcal]

My kids have never cared much for their dad. He sort of tries but, he travels, is gone a lot and when he's here, he's sort of vacant.

As the kids get older, they'll tolerate him more. My 6 year old will now sit by him and talk with him but the 5 yo still wants nothign to do with him.

I keep telling him he needs to have something that is special just to them - like reading a story at night. But, he just doesn't really have the motivation to do something about it.

Does your DH have a special "thing" that's just between them? How about a daddy daughter date night?

[saraguzz]

Thanks all for the input.

While I exclude any possibility of abuse, it is true that she always was more at ease with women than men, in general.
Also, some of your postings made me realize that she probably IS more jealous of her younger sister that I thought or liked to think.

But it is also good to know that there are other kids her age that behave the same way. The idea of having father and daughter do something special really appeals to me, and hopefully to them as well!

Thanks again!

[angela&avery]

something that helped my kids was me having other things that I do without them regularly. Being with Dad for a couple of hours was a normal part of our routine.... he is their Dad... whether or not he is with them during the day during the week, he is their father and is with us every evening and all weekend. He has always helped put the kids to bed, read stories and helped to bathe them. I go scrapbooking once month for an entire evening, when ds1 was a baby I used to work a couple days a week and he spent one of those days with dh from early one (the other with my mom). My dd went through some seperation anxiety with me, and I have always gone out one evening a week by myself with a friend, (also I started therapy, so on that evening i would go to therapy first) and it was something I needed to do, so I left her with my dh. She would cry. But he IS her father!! He would comfort her, so she wasnt CIO and she was safe. And because I have always done this, I felt it was appropriate that we continue and that she have that time to bond with him.


I think kids BEST bond with the OTHER parent if the FAVORITE parent is not around.

At this point, it may be difficult to start something and instill this, but if she will tolerate you leaving her with him a couple of hours a week, you should do it. And when she is particularly difficult, you may try having dh care for the baby as much as he can when he is home so that she doesnt need to feel jealous.

Also, even if she is against the idea, is it possible for him to take her for a walk each evening while you nurse the baby down?? Maybe they could bring a snack... maybe eat an ice cream out side the first time to make it enticing??

She is 4. While she is young, she can understand that right now you need to do x while she is doing y. Even if she doesnt LIKE it, it doesnt mean that you cant do it....... I know you dont want to force it, but in the beginning you may have to until it becomes a routine that she will expect.

[cuttiebearmom]

I think A LOT of kids go through a phase where they have a serious parental preference. My DD1 went through something similar around 4. The best thing DH did was to keep offering to do the normal things with her (not 'special' things in particular) and we still did all of our normal family things together (meals, walks, playing, gardening, etc). He tried not to make a big deal out of it if she wasn't interested. She got over it pretty quickly and now can't get enough of her daddy time. She is now very affectionate with him. I know it was hard for him to 'not' have a reaction outwardly but I think it is what made it an shorter lived thing. He really didn't push it....

I bet she'll turn around, share our experience with your DH and see what he thinks. I think he should just keep being his normal loving self and she'll turn around. Kids go through moods and phases so quickly when we don't dwell on them, IMHO!

[mommy68]

My DD does this sometimes too and it makes me sad. Her dad talks very loud so that may have something to do with it. Sometimes she will tell him to stop talking so loud. Sometimes she will refuse to let him hug or kiss her. I think he approaches her wrong at times but that's just because I am so close to her being home with her 24/7 and it ticks him off if I try to tell him how to do things with her so I just don't say anything. She isn't like this all the time, just from time to time. She definitely isn't like this with me unless I've done something to make her angry at me or she is extremely tired.

[Hemiola]

Playful Parenting talks quite a bit about helping children reconnect with a parent. It's a great read!

[babytimeagain]

DS also is much closer with me than DH but he loves to be around him. He does get very very shy around other men though, Grandpa, any man.