Unexpected!!!

[BrooklynActor]

Hello All,
So here's my story. My Girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years off and on. We don't live together, We're not married (obviously) we do see eachother all the time, love the time we spend with each other and have been looking forward to the "natural" progression of our relationship as in the next step being possibly moving in with each other, designing our apartment together, if it leads to us realizing we want to marry then planning for that, honeymoon, building a life together ... and then building a family. So... for the past 3 1/2 years I've worked for Marketing for Anheuser-Busch. Great job especially since I'm a NY actor and it gave me tremendous flexibility to still focus on my acting career and still pay all my bills. Well as many of you know AB was bought by Inbev and what the news hasn't been publicizing is that AB laid off 1300 employees and cut over 100 departments. Even the VP of Marketing was asked to retire after 20 years! Crazy! Funny how you keep hearing about the bad economy but don't really realizing it until it hits you dead smack in the middle of the face! Anyway the day I found out my job had been terminated ...effective immediately I came home, little tipsy since my co-workers and I decided to have a few shots to toast the end of Budweiser! So my girlfriend picks me up, upset that I'm tipsy, ask me to take a nap while she cooks dinner, which I do, I wake up, we have dinner, she sits me down, now that I had sobered up a bit, and... yep ...you guessed it... says..."I'm Pregnant" ...!!!!...WHAT!!!???

SHOCK! SPEECHLESS!! TERRIFIED!!! OVERWHELMED!!! HEART RACING!!!! UNABLE TO COMPREHEND!!! I FEEL THE BLOOD RUSH FROM MY FACE!!!! I have never felt such panic in my life! such a feeling of the walls collapsing in on me!!! It's funny cause it seems like that moment lasted for hours and nothing was really said. We just kinda sat there... speechless. Both in awe. Minds racing but it was like all communication just shut down and we just sat there.

I awoke at 4AM trying to put together my thoughts! lay out all options. I woke my girlfriend up, presenting at least the option of not going through with the birth, She said she couldn't live with herself.

For weeks we cried talked, fought, argued, sat in silence, debated and reasoned. Are we ready for this? What about my career? What about her and I?! All of a sudden our relationship is accelerating a warp speed! Skipping, JUMPING over major steps! my mind races just to catch up with the present and she is already miles ahead of me! I try to catch up! How do I tell me parents!? I know I must sound young, I'm 28 which sure by Society "standards" is when many are or should but I don't know if I'm ready for all this! and not in the stereotypical guy way of saying "I'm not ready for all this!". It's just a lot to comprehend! And yeah... It's REALLY scary! Every night I pray, pray for guidance, for strength, for clarity. This all has felt so confusing and overwhelming and it's really taking awhile for me to come to terms with everything and what that all means!!! I get angry thinking this is not how it's suppose to happen! Sure that's not how life works! I know, I know but still. I don't want to keep feeling overwhelmed! I was to have peace with this. I want to not have my heart race every night I got to sleep. I can be fine and all of a sudden think of everything that's going on and I immediately feel my pulse pounding in my head, in my neck, in my chest! Does that pass? I want to be supportive. I want to get past this and feel at ease. everything still just feel so crazy and daunting.

Anyway just thought I would throw this tale out into the universe and see what words of advice come my way. Thanks for reading. :-)

[eewieew]

My husband has decided that when I'm 3 mos pregnant is the appropriate time to inform me that he would like to divorce and that the thought of being a father fills him with nothing but dread. I've been staying at family and friends' homes the last few nights and came back to find that the spines of all of my baby books have been turned around so he doesn't have to see them and all of my magazines from the midwife are turned over. This is coming from my best friend and lover of over 8 years.

My advice to you is to be TOTALLY BRUTALLY HONEST with your girlfriend about how you feel - had my husband told me his feelings from the get go, I honestly would have terminated, but now we've got a heart and brain and fingers and toes and I'm not so sure I can do that.

This is tearing me apart as it is, and being pregnant and hormonal, and now alone doesn't help at all. I feel for you and I really hope you can be honest with her because if you think you're going through some crap, imagine what she's dealing with.

Not sure if any of this helps - I'm super bitter and heartbroken right now (found all this out Thurs) and not sure I can give good advice, but I hope you two can work through this and make the right decision...for all of you.

[PassionateWriter]

if this was unexpected, i am sure your gf is going through a ton of emotions.

i always wonder though, for men who dont want to have children, what are the measures you have taken to ensure you wouldn't get her pregnant?

I don't know what advice you are looking for....I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out if you are going to be there for her and the baby or if you are going to walk away. I had an unexpected pregnancy also and it ended up w/ a break up...i would have rather known earlier than later in order to deal better earlier w/ the emotions and avoid the emotional roller coaster.

good luck.

[Greg B]

Unexpected? You mean you assumed that your chosen birth control would be fail safe? And you and she had no discussion of your individual risk tolerances in this area, contingency plans, what if?

Well, now you get to do it in a rush. With time pressure.

I do not think there is an easy piece of advice to give. It is not an easy situation. There are ways to help become more clear about your thinking and waht decision you may feel more comfortable with.
How much they help is and individual thing.

Try making a list of the good things about going through with having a baby vs the bad things. Do the same for the scenarion of having a child, then divorcing vs having a child and staying together.

Explore your and her feelings about marriage, cohabitation, divorce, how permanent marriage is for either of you. Or living together, or whatever.

How important is it for either of you to stay together w/o vs with children.

No right or wrong answers. You just have to keep communicating your feelings, desires, and expectations regarding staying together vs not, children vs not, etc.

Best wishes

[sairy_gamp]

Originally Posted by BrooklynActor

Hello All,
So here's my story.

Anyway just thought I would throw this tale out into the universe and see what words of advice come my way. Thanks for reading. :-)

Some very good news for you.

It just as likely won't be as hard as it sounds.

Once you get thru these changes, I can say that being a papa is a wonderful, wonderful thing. Keep loving the time you spend together and don't worry too much about the correct order that you wanted things to come in.

[groovynaturemama]

so, you're gf is pregnant, you're afraid; NORMAL. this happens in the universe A LOT. and personally, i believe that the universe has some sort of plan for all of us, and that things happen and reap the life experience, growth, change, and of course, the wonder, challenge and beauty that being a parent entails. i got pregnant 4 MONTHS after my partner and i were together. i was on birth control. we had a rocky pregnancy emotionally speaking, and were forced to learn about eachother, nasty sides and all in a matter of a few short months. we weren't sure if we'd survive, in fact we were almost positive we wouldn't. you know something? when i was giving birth and he caught our baby in his hands it solidified us more than either of us ever thought possible. that moment foreward, we were a family. not just a family, either, he and i became bonded in a way that brought about more care, love and passion than we had ever had before. a newfound respect as well. it certainly came with challenges, but we chose to work through them and are now married, happy and trying for another baby sometime soon.

it IS scary, it is uncharted territory, but it helps to keep an open mind, go into it without expecting it to be a certain way, and give it all that you got in love and support. there's no "right" order to do things in. i wouldn't focus on that at all if you can manage. just take things as they come; wishing things were in a different order isn't going to help if what's done is done. however, an open mind and heart will certainly be an aid in your journey.

[guestmama9904]

Originally Posted by jdubbelewe

My husband has decided that when I'm 3 mos pregnant is the appropriate time to inform me that he would like to divorce and that the thought of being a father fills him with nothing but dread. I've been staying at family and friends' homes the last few nights and came back to find that the spines of all of my baby books have been turned around so he doesn't have to see them and all of my magazines from the midwife are turned over. This is coming from my best friend and lover of over 8 years.

My advice to you is to be TOTALLY BRUTALLY HONEST with your girlfriend about how you feel - had my husband told me his feelings from the get go, I honestly would have terminated, but now we've got a heart and brain and fingers and toes and I'm not so sure I can do that.

This is tearing me apart as it is, and being pregnant and hormonal, and now alone doesn't help at all. I feel for you and I really hope you can be honest with her because if you think you're going through some crap, imagine what she's dealing with.

Not sure if any of this helps - I'm super bitter and heartbroken right now (found all this out Thurs) and not sure I can give good advice, but I hope you two can work through this and make the right decision...for all of you.

wow. that all sounds awful. not to hijack the thread but it just sounded like you could use some supportive words too. i hope that you and your husband (ex?) can get through this and be better off for it. i personally wouldnt terminate based soley on what my partner requested/insisted but i have been there and felt that pressure. i am now in a place in my life where i know that a truly loving, nurturing relationship is one where someone will stick with you and help you raise your children/ children to be. someone who is the right person for you would not abandon you due to a pregnancy during your marriage. your husband sounds like he has some major issues going on and i doubt very much that the only issue he has is fear of being a father.

i became pregnant by a man when i was younger who broke up with me shortly after i became pregnant. i did end up having an abortion (no flames please, it wasnt an easy decision and i will never feel great about it but it is what it is and it is between me and the universe at this point). while i dont regret terminating the pregnancy because i had many reasons to do so, i do feel sad thinking back on my choice in that it was greatly influenced by the man iwas with. i somehow thought maybe if i did as he requested he would continue to love me and be with me. needless to say this is not what happened. i am now happily married with 1 ds and 2 dear stepsons and i am 6 months pregnant. my husband knows about my past decisions and struggles and i know about his. i also know that he would never leave me due to an unplanned pregnancy.

i really pray for you to find the courage and wisdom within yourself to make a decision you wont regret and to find your own happiness and support system.

[janasmama]

We had a baby, totally unexpected, unmarried, and so not ready! It's been a wonderful change in our life. Focus on growing and nurturing the relationship with the woman you love. Parenting will come in due time when the questions/concerns arise.

[Organicavocado]

This is scary. I know its scary. I know its hard to move fast when you were enjoying your previous life at its previous pace. This is a giant great huge deal!

But this OMGWTF phase passes. It's okay to feel it- its still new, and a major bump in your life (not a bad one, but a bump nonetheless). I'm happy you have found this place.

I'll let my hubby come on later and write and see if he has any encouraging words. Our baby was planned, but it was still an OMGWTF experience for him

Good luck from me. After it wears off and you start feeling the excitement, I'm sure you will make a wonderful... well, you know. D-word.

[Mary-Beth]

Any update?
How are you feeling?

Hoping the news is settling in and you are sleeping better. Any luck with the job search?
Things will all come together...the job, the relationship, and you will adore that baby before you know it...though it may be hard to see that now.

[Blu Razzberri]

Hello "BrooklynActor" and welcome to MDC. Please excuse me for a minute while I address a few things...

Originally Posted by jdubbelewe

...had my husband told me his feelings from the get go, I honestly would have terminated...

Aww, I'm so sorry you're going through this. When you look in your baby's eyes for the first time, you'll wonder how you ever thought this way. I had a hard time with this pregnancy and some relationship problems too (not quite like yours, but equally devastating). When your baby is born; s/he will suddenly be the center of your universe and the thoughts you're having right now will subside. Likely, your husband will come around, but even if he doesn't, you'll be loved by this little being so much that you'll have a hard time focusing on anything else. I wish you well; take care of yourself, and you're in my thoughts.

Originally Posted by PassionateWriter

...i always wonder though, for men who dont want to have children, what are the measures you have taken to ensure you wouldn't get her pregnant?...

Inappropriate question - not supportive or helpful. Also, he didn't say he didn't want the child, but rather that he intended to be 'prepared' first, and that he's scared because his ducks aren't lined up yet.

Ok; back to you, OP (here is a list of common abbreviations you'll find around these boards)....I want to start out by telling you a little bit about myself and my DP. When we started dating, I already had a child (who was 1.5 yrs old at the time). He expressed that this was casual dating because he wasn't ready to be a parent yet. It didn't take long before DP and DS were best friends. DP is very young at heart and plays with DS (it wasn't - and isn't - uncommon for me to wake up and find them playing dragons and castles; or robots, etc. DP isn't "grown up" yet; and it actually works out wonderfully because I'm not a player. I take care of the house, I make sure everything is in order, I'm the one who does the paperwork, etc.

So, DP took very easily to a parenting role with "my" son. Two and a half years went by before I got pregnant with my second son. You'd think he'd have been ok with it; but he wasn't. It freaked him out right good. He wanted exactly what you wanted: financial stability, to get out of debt, own a house instead of renting; get married; etc. Well, that didn't happen. It threw him off big time. We had tried to prevent it, but it wasn't devastating news when our efforts failed. However, DP was very mixed up inside because it threw off his plans. Also, he didn't know what to expect because he'd never really much been around babies.

I get the sense that it's pretty much the same way you feel. I bet you have the same thoughts running through your head... What if this doesn't work out between me and DP....How am I going to provide for this baby....What if I'm a bad parent....I have no idea how to take care of a baby!....Diapers!? : Aww jeez!...

Let me assure you, these things sort themselves out fairly easily. I watched DP go from refusing to hold the baby out of fear of "breaking him"; to having to sit down and have someone pass him the baby; to holding him with one arm. His comfort level adjusted significantly over the span of about three weeks.

A good support system is going to be a key factor in your comfort and learning. Most communities have supports in place for new parents; but even if you can't find them, you've already found one of the very best places to learn about your baby (MDC), how to care for him/her; and what to expect. AND you've got a running start because baby isn't here yet. So, spend as much time as your life allows dedicated to learning about this baby. It isn't half as scary as you think and you WILL learn what you need to as you go along.

You didn't ask for suggestions, but then you didn't ask for anything specifically, so I'm just going to offer up my advice on where to begin...

- don't worry so much about whether your relationship will fail or succeed. The key thing in either instance is communication and being considerate of one-another. Two people CAN parent separately and still be awesome parents. Visit the Parents As Partners forum and start exploring and dealing with the issues in your relationship.

- start thinking about birth. Learn what you can do to help while your DP is in labor. Think about the birth plan (learn what 'standard' procedures are done and figure out if you agree/disagree with them; and write down what you do and don't want for your baby). Visit the Birth and Beyond forum for this stuff.

- Circumcision. Learn about it. There are a lot of lies and social ignorances related to circumcision. If you PM me with your email address, I will gladly forward you a copy of my information email that will give you a run-down of what I learned too late about it. (My first is circ'd; I have a hard time with it to this day ) On top of my email; you can also visit the Case Against Circumcision forum.

Personally, I think the people who are scared of their babies impending arrivals make some of the best parents. You're already on the right track because you're asking for help and open to learning. Good for you. This is one lucky baby!

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by PassionateWriter

i always wonder though, for men who dont want to have children, what are the measures you have taken to ensure you wouldn't get her pregnant?

Totally not ok question. OP is going through what any person goes through when they have an unplanned pregnacy. Unplanned doesn't mean unwanted. Would you have ever asked that if it was a woman telling you this?

OP-- you are scared! That is ok. Just accept many many families started off this way. Also many pregnacies that are planned start off with doubt, shock, nerves, and being overwhelmed. Being prepared and trying for a child doesn't become real until you get that positive and then you panic.

There is no one right answer to your situation. Just accept you have a baby on the way and love it. All the rest will work out.

It is also OK to feel the way you do. Many people dads and moms have had to work through these emotions.

[Jillian1985]

Hi. I'm Jillian and a mother of 1. I had my daughter when i was 21 years old, I'm now 23. Me and my husband ( at the time we weren't married when I got pregnant but we were getting married 2 months from the date I found out I was pregnant ) we were trying for almost 18 months. Even tho we were trying I was overwhelmed with FEAR when I found out I was pregnant. It's all I ever wanted and thought I could never have because the doctors can't figure out why I have conception problems. My husband seemed excited, but I just couldn't think. My mind would draw a complete blank and when I could think all it was, was fear " can I do this?, Am I ready? Will I be a good mom?" All negative questions with negative responses to myself. The entire pregnancy, which for me lasted 42 weeks, was complete fear and panic.

I got postpartum depression when she was born, and along with possible post-traumatic stress disorder. I still to this day have it and never went to the doctor for it. I have my first appointment on September 2nd. I don't have thoughts of harming my daughter tho, just harming myself. I have attempted suicide, and have hated and still hate myself, but I know it's the PPD that is making me think the way I do... However even tho I am going through hell with this PPD and I was terrified the whole pregnancy, I have never been happier to have this little girl. She is my everything and I bet when this child of yours is born and comes into your life you will do everything possible to show this baby that you love him/her and it will be hard, but the funny and WONDERFUL thing about being a parent is no matter how hard it can be at times, you will NEVER regret having that child. Your fears will probably stay with you the whole time she is pregnant and even after she has the baby, but they subside once you realize how natural things will come to you. You will never understand how precious your child is until the day you get to hold your very own baby that you created with your g/f in your arms for the very first time. All the emotions your dealing with now will be worth the struggle once you hold your baby. And anyone who is a parent will tell you the same. It's harder then it looks to raise a kid, but at the same time it's easier then it looks. It's hard at first, but then you get used to the change and you enjoy it. With everything I am dealing with myself with the PPD, I never once blamed my daughter for it, and I never will. She is my everything, and your child will be your everything. You'll see.

This goes for everyone else who is expecting their first and scared.

[Breeder]

My first son was a "surprise". My bf completely ready, me not so much. I totally freaked out, just like you.

Guess what? My six year old son is absolutely freaking awesome! It was rough, we WERE young 21 and 23, we had to work and go to school and raise a child while most of our friends were out partying.

My advice: TALK, talk, talk to your gf. Tell her everything, talk until you're tired of talking and then talk some more. Listen to her every word, because you are in this together.

I would not trade one second. And looking back on it, I knew it was all for the best.

How do you tell your parents? Bring your girlfriend over and just open your mouth and tell them. You are a grown-a** man and able to make your own decisions. Odds are they'll be thrilled and decide they want to be called Grammy and Pop-pop. It's not like you're 15.

[BrooklynActor]

A Month Later!

Hello All,

First, thanks to everyone who posted replies to my “cry for help”! All your words of advice and comments are greatly appreciated! It is great to have a place to present thoughts and fears and find a community who is interested and supportive. Cause really we all need support. ☺

So… guess a month away deserves an update! Well my DP (look at me using the MDC acronyms!) and I went away to Costa Rica for 10 days! We had been planning this for several months and we were going to cancel it when we found out the news of the baby on the way, but we decided to go anyway very much because we needed to find eachother again after the madness that has been the last 6 weeks! What better way to break the tension between us than a romantic get-away to Costa Rica. And it was… It was great! We made an agreement to not talk about the birth and the baby but to truly enjoy eachother. Cause if we don’t have that than what are we doing!? Course it’s impossible to not talk about the expecting and that was fine, just not to talk about it 24/7.

So things have been better. I’ve been sleeping better and some of the panic has subsided. Of course not all of it. For the dad it seems like it’s sometimes easy to forget. I know that sounds silly but we’re not biologically/literally connected to this living thing within, so yeah it’s sometimes easy for us to forget or feel disconnected from the reality while there’s no getting around it for the mom, she knows and she knows 24/7.

Here’s something very funny that somehow gives me some fun and excitement. Don’t know why, but I actually like researching strollers. Guess it’s like picking out a car. And of course I’m looking a Uppababy v. Bugaboo! The SUV/Sports cars of Strollers. It’s funny cause somehow it feels like investing in a fancy stroller makes your pregnancy look planned! Ha, I know stupid, but it does make me smile so my DP humors my little hobby. She’s happy when I can find anything to smile about in regards to the baby! Really leaning toward Uppababy! Any thoughts!!!??

So I don’t know what will happen in the long run. However things have been more positive. We had our second appointment with our midwife, who is GREAT! She is really really wonderful. She’s very approachable, non-judgmental, and tremendously warm and positive. Actually the first time we met with her before Costa Rica was the first moment I felt a tinge of excitement. Oh yeah, we’ve decided on a home-birth. Which actually has been a conversation that my DP and I have had many conversations about over the past 2 years and I love the idea of. On a side note, Does any one know any good “father-to-be” books. I went to B&N and hated most of the books I picked up. Most of them were these macho-machismo patronizing book which made comments like “Well we’re certainly not having any type of hippie homebirth, I like certificates on walls from Doctors who know what their doing…. Blah blah blah” and then going on to say stuff about “football and when does the sex come back”. Any suggestions on really good books for Fathers-to-be that might be a little more liberal and not so “mainstream”?

So as for DP and I we are taking it one day at a time. I do like that some of the panics has subsided. We told DP’s parents and they were very excited! My parents however may be a different story. We’re aiming to tell them this week. That’s been a huge stress. I don’t know how they’re going to react. My dad had a child way before he was ready in a prior relationship, 10 years before me and it’s always been a very sensitive issue. One of the main things I heard growing up was “don’t get a girl pregnant unless you’re ready!” oh well. Ready or not … here we go! Gulp!

Ohh one other thing! We heard the heart beat today! It was the first “real” moment! Before everything has been so abstract. It certainly touched something deep inside me to hear that there actually is life inside. Not all doom and gloom but a little one, alone in there, who is part …me!

[Jillian1985]

I got a father-to-be book for my husband when I was pregnant, and I actually didn't read a little of it before buying it. So I'm not to sure on what's good and whats not. I looked up a couple that might have some good stuff in it according to the title tho...

*Crib Notes for the First Year of Fatherhood: A Survival Guide for New Fathers
-That one says it has lots of checklists, tips, resources, phone numbers, and no-nonsense helpful information.

*The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be

*Throwaway Dads: The Myths and Barriers That Keep Men from Being the Fathers They Want to Be
-This one says the authors offer great advice on how to raise children to believe that fathers are as important as mothers: "Boys must come to understand that to be an active, involved, nurturing father is a viable and important life choice, one that a man should be able to make without having to sacrifice his career or self-respect."

*She's Having a Baby — and I'm Having a Breakdown: What Every Man Needs to Know — and Do — When the Woman He Loves Is Pregnant

Maybe look around online and see if any stores in your area carry those so you can read a couple pages before buying them.
I'm so glad to hear you both are being more positive about this. And I'm glad you went on your vacation.

[Breeder]

So good to hear you're feeling better.

Personally I found that DH and I had the most fun researching and investing in baby stuff. Personal fav was cloth diapers, we both love them! Also carriers (went with a mei tai and a ring sling) and baby legs. There is a lot of cool stuff.

And NAMES!

[Jillian1985]

Oh and about the stroller. Always research on recalls for baby items. I never heard of that stroller, but it has a weird name and usually weird named products are my favorite. Especially when it comes to a car seat, research the product and see what people hate about it, and if it ever had any recall. Some things that people say they hate about certain baby products is ridiculous to me and I buy it since it was a poor excuse they gave for why they don't like it. Baby shopping is the BEST. PLUS I think the more you show your interest and excitement in the baby, the more your g/f will feel comfortable and excited and looking forward to everything.

[homeschoolingmama]

You made me cry.

Congratulations dad! You are about to be on thee best roller coaster ride of your life!!

[Tata]

Howdy.

Dad here. My partner and I had been together for 16 years and had two children before we decided (against our wills) to get married. Your relationship is what makes things work and not an officiate or a piece of paper. If your relationship and commitment to each other is there to begin with, no worries. As to losing your job and having to support a new human, believe me, it will work out. You and your gf will figure it out. Because, the primary thing to think about will be the welfare of your child. There is always a way. Even if it's scary and not at all what you'd want to do. My partner and I lived in assisted housing and are still on food stamps so I can be home more with the children. It's not what we prefer but it was an option for us and it made possible my presence in the children's lives. It will work out. Believe it.
If you decide to do a home birth, which I highly recommend, and you catch your baby, you'll never be the same person from that moment on. Believe it. (And, home births are way cheaper than hospital births if you have to pay for it.)
So, my point in all this is, don't let society and all its expectations stop you and your gf from taking a massively massive step into becoming different people. From raising a great human being. From changing your lives. Introspection for both of you may help. Do you need to change how you live? Is that the healthy road? What joy and wonder is this new human going to bring to your lives?
Being a dad is everything you could imagine, and nothing like anything you could imagine, all at the same time. It's wonderful!
Embrace it. Be a father. Be a different father.