Unexpected!!! - Page 2

[MammaB21]

The feelings you are having are pretty normal. I'm sure your GF is equaly (if not more) stressed out. An unplanned pregnancy is always stressful. It sounds like you are worried about finances. This is something that you will undoubtedly be able to work out. You have nine months to figure out finances, work, living arrangements. These things will come with time, and with communication.

I think the question you are really pondering over (and correct me if I am wrong) is if you want to be with your GF long term. For ever. To raise a baby together. It is only fare to you and to her if you take some time to really think about that question before you jump into this. It is totally possible to co-parent a child wonderfully and not be 'together'.

I'm sure you will be able to get some great advice on MDC as this thing plays out. I hope you both can be honest, and can grow to be excited to be parents. No matter what the circumstances, babies are always a blessing!!!!

[Organicavocado]

Originally Posted by BrooklynActor

SHOCK! SPEECHLESS!! TERRIFIED!!! OVERWHELMED!!! HEART RACING!!!! UNABLE TO COMPREHEND!!! I FEEL THE BLOOD RUSH FROM MY FACE!!!!

Thats exactly how I felt when I was told..Even though we were planning it, I think its just how the guy is supposed to react. I bet there is something in our DNA thats just hard coded for that reaction

Originally Posted by Organicavocado

This is scary. I know its scary. I know its hard to move fast when you were enjoying your previous life at its previous pace. This is a giant great huge deal!

But this OMGWTF phase passes. It's okay to feel it- its still new, and a major bump in your life (not a bad one, but a bump nonetheless). I'm happy you have found this place.

I'll let my hubby come on later and write and see if he has any encouraging words. Our baby was planned, but it was still an OMGWTF experience for him

Good luck from me. After it wears off and you start feeling the excitement, I'm sure you will make a wonderful... well, you know. D-word.

I'm her hubby as she put it You are going to get scared and freak out many many times throughout her being pregnant...There is no way around that and no point in sugar coating it. She is going to go through some crazy changes as her body preps for the little one that is on its way into this world. You are in for an incredible ride and as crazy as it(and your girlfriend is going to seem at times) it is incredibly worth it and I wouldn't hesitate to go through again with my wife

There were some good books mentioned but they are all books that were written for women, by women. The sections for men in those books were almost an afterthought and you can tell that they are just tossing out all of the cliche lines that every one is going to tell you over the next couple months. Find the book entitled 'Pregnancy Sucks for Men'. This is a book that was written by the husband of the lady that wrote 'Pregnancy Sucks'. Very funny and informative and really helps you relax more about whats to come. Its the definitive pregnancy book for men and I would recommend it to anyone who is going through everything you said in caps listed out above. The cover of the book makes it look like a joke...its not at all and is quite possibly the greatest book written for men out there. Link to book cover. http://images.barnesandnoble.com/ima...0/14678839.JPG

If you have questions or concerns there are awesome boards like this that are simply full of resources and awesome classes that are out there aimed at making the men comfortable(BRADLEY classes..find them and attend all of the classes Bradley is husband assisted childbirth..even if she doesn't want to go the natural route they have all kinds of techniques and ideas of things to show what you are 'supposed to do')

My wife and I are going to write a book that is aimed more at the men because go to borders or any book store and check out the pregnancy section..You can count the books aimed at men on 2 fingers

You can IM(PM whatever it is here) my wife with any questions you have for me if you'd like and definitely post you questions/concerns up here You're going to do awesome and freaking out is just proof of that

[sunshinesister]

first off, congrats!! : of course i thought i'd be in a financially stable, committed relationship when i had a child, but well...surprise! wanted to post to let you know that adventures in natural childbirth was my favorite book when I was pregnant. Although it is stories about women, written by women, i think it would be a good read for a man too since you are planning the home-birth. it helped me realize the power of my own body and i think having a committed partner there to support that feeling would be fabulous. dd's dad was too freaked out to really be very present in the birth...though i will tell you we were more in love with each other those first few hours after dd was born than ever before (and ever again as it turned out...). also, while i'm glad you're getting excited about the strollers...do research on baby wearing while you're at it. i couldn't have been a parent without it. my favorite carrier is the ergo, but i didn't get that until dd was 6 months old...so i don't know how it would be for a newborn. welcome to mdc!! take full advantage of this site...there are some very wise parents here and i doubt i'd be half the informed and attached parent i am without the help i've received from mdc.

[BrooklynActor]

Hey All,

Just wanted you all to know that I've been very educated by my DP on the whole sling idea and am completely into it! I like the idea of the baby hearing and needing to hear the heart beat close to them. Also that they need to be able to cuddle into you and not always be bombarded with outside stimuli. And yes I totally see how that can streagthen the bond between parent and child! So yeah my DP is a Dulla and has well educated me in the ways of the slings. She's looking into buy something like 4 different ones. think at least one of those will be for me

Hey quick side, Is it normal for one day to feel good and positive and another to being back to that overwhelmed feeling? That's normal right? It's a lot... Right? I mean last night we heard the heart beat and well... I was excited or at least pleasantly surprised and in awe. Today was different, some of that feeling had subsided and some of the thoughts of "wow this is a lot to prepare for Emotionally, Financially, even physically". Looks like today we're going to get together with my folks to break the news! Yeah that's a stresser! Not really sure how they'll take it. guess that also may have been part of the reasoning of feeling panic again today. I really really don't mean to sound so Bi-polar (which medically I'm not! ;-) But I sometimes feel it. Normal? yes right? I'm trying to hold onto that positive feeling and move forward with that.
Take it one step at a time and it will all unwind in it's own course.

Nighty night all.

[Bella Catalina]

Originally Posted by BrooklynActor

Hey All,


Hey quick side, Is it normal for one day to feel good and positive and another to being back to that overwhelmed feeling? That's normal right? It's a lot... Right? I mean last night we heard the heart beat and well...

Totally normal--and ours was planned! Has happened again with #2, too, and DH switches back and forth quite often.

Hope your parents take the news well--try to remember that you are not your father.

[Jillian1985]

It sure is normal to feel different day by day. Just remember that what you and your DP are going through is life changing for the both of you, so it is completely normal to feel good and excited one day, and worried and scared the next. You don't know whats in store for you in the future, so of course your going to have mixed feelings. I love how much you are showing interest in the baby products. My husband wasn't much for any of that when I was pregnant, and I wish he was.

[KnitLady]

Originally Posted by BrooklynActor

Hey quick side, Is it normal for one day to feel good and positive and another to being back to that overwhelmed feeling? That's normal right?

Totally normal! I'm expecting #2 who was very much planned and I still have those feelings! Some days I'm super excited and some days I'm wondering what the heck I was thinking and how am I going to be able to handle two?? Having a baby is such a huge deal that we can't help but feel a bit daunted at the prospect.

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by jdubbelewe

My husband has decided that when I'm 3 mos pregnant is the appropriate time to inform me that he would like to divorce and that the thought of being a father fills him with nothing but dread. I've been staying at family and friends' homes the last few nights and came back to find that the spines of all of my baby books have been turned around so he doesn't have to see them and all of my magazines from the midwife are turned over. This is coming from my best friend and lover of over 8 years.

My advice to you is to be TOTALLY BRUTALLY HONEST with your girlfriend about how you feel - had my husband told me his feelings from the get go, I honestly would have terminated, but now we've got a heart and brain and fingers and toes and I'm not so sure I can do that.

This is tearing me apart as it is, and being pregnant and hormonal, and now alone doesn't help at all. I feel for you and I really hope you can be honest with her because if you think you're going through some crap, imagine what she's dealing with.

Not sure if any of this helps - I'm super bitter and heartbroken right now (found all this out Thurs) and not sure I can give good advice, but I hope you two can work through this and make the right decision...for all of you.

First, I have to give a hug to jdubbelewe

To the OP, babies are not natural disasters. An accidental pregnancy is not the worst thing that can happen to a couple. It will change your life, but it won't destroy it or kill your dreams/personal goals.

Also, it's not uncommon for fathers to be ambivalent when their partner is pregnant. For some dads 'fatherhood' doesn't kick in until after the birth. It's a pretty big cognitive shift to go from thinking about bodies as purely sexual to confronting what they are actually made for.

Explore fatherhood like you're researching a role. Talk to dads. Read. Confront your fears and worst case scenarios. Think about what kind of parent you want to be. Once you've done that, then talk to your partner. Talk about how you guys are going to manage the finances and logistics. Talk about your needs and how you can both meet them and care for a child.

Don't get married for the sake of the child. But don't abandon your relationship either b/c paying child support sucks. I would consider maybe moving in together and then seeing where you both are once the child is 1 or 2 years old.

If she's going to have the baby, don't panic. Just take it one moment at a time. Pregnancy is just one phase. THe first year another. It's not really (imo) until the second year that you really hit your stride with the parenting experience. Don't judge the whole based on one phase.

The best advice I ever heard with regards to parenting is to ignore everything negative you do and say to each other the first year. The learning curve of a new parent is done with too little sleep and doesn't allow us to be at our best.

My advice, once you figure out where you are on the whole fatherhood thing is to learn every thing you can about infant sleep during the first year and buy every gadget that you think might help. Sleep makes you human. Sleep gives you energy. Sleep is more important than sex the first year. Actually, if you and mom get some sleep you have a good shot at sex.

Good luck to you!

V

[nerdymom]

Originally Posted by Violet2

Don't get married for the sake of the child. But don't abandon your relationship either [*snip*] I would consider maybe moving in together and then seeing where you both are once the child is 1 or 2 years old.

:

It is totally normal to go back and forth about how you feel. I was a rather lost ex-student recovering from a nervous breakdown newlywed when I found out about this "unplanned" babe. (We weren't doing much of anything to prevent pg, but not trying to concieve either, I didn't feel emotionally "Ready". )

My DH has definitely run the emotional gamut. (I will say, he liked the book the Expectant Father. He also enjoys doing his own online research.) His job was not steady, and he would go from elation about fatherhood to despair over how in the world we were going to manage things. In the first months it was one crazy scheme after another, but now finally he has figured out where his career is going, and he's starting to calm down. It sounds like you too are going through a lot of life changes, and you just need to find your own balance. I'm glad you sound committed to your GF and child. Just remember to take deep breaths and focus on what really matters, namely *people* not things. Good luck!

[greene_mama]

Originally Posted by homeschoolingmama

You made me cry.

Congratulations dad! You are about to be on thee best roller coaster ride of your life!!

:

Sitting here tearing up! I missed your original post from a month ago when you first found out, but just wanted to say congratulations & so happy to hear that things are going well.

My DD was also "unplanned"-- by us, anyway. The universe had her very well-planned, I'm convinced! DH and I were not married when I got pregnant, though we'd been together for several years and had every intention of continuing to be. We had that initial shock reaction, but then realized that it was actually perfect timing in our lives-- it just hadn't occurred to us!

So awesome that you're planning a homebirth & educating yourselves so quickly. DH really liked "The Expectant Father," though I don't know if homebirth is mentioned (we had a hospital midwife birth, though I would love to have a homebirth someday).

I know that everyone's situation is different, but for us, having this little baby has been the MOST incredible experience of our lives. I know that everyone will tell you that having a baby doesn't help a relationship, but for us it really has taken us to a whole new level and we are closer than ever, and HAPPIER than ever. We just really feel like all if this was meant to be and we are happy to be each other's teachers in this life.

Many blessings to you as you continue on this journey!:

[Mary-Beth]

You are going to be a great Dad. Oh my goodness...you are so thoughtful and it is totally okay to be scared and excited at the same time.

And, I think you sound like you are in a really solid relationship...I don;t even know much about you and your GF but I have a feeling you will come together and have an even deeper connection with the addition of this little one.

[Serenyd]

Ok. A baby is coming so you better deal with it. Life is unexpected right? Of all the catastrophes that could have befallen you, this at least has a good side. My bf freaked out when he found out I was preg too, we were a lot younger (21), and I was still in college and he was a waiter. But we dealt with it, pushed forward, and six years later I'm a nurse working on my master's degree and he is Sous Chef of a 4 star restaurant. BUT He was so depressed after the baby was born and while I was pregnant that he could not be very supportive of me or bond with the baby for many long months. It was a scary situation for me because I didn't think he would ever come around. Finally, he did. We have a 2nd baby now and he is trying harder to be a good father. He is so much more affectionate with this little one than he was with his older brother, it is like day and nite. My point is don't let your worries ruin what could be a beautiful experience for you, accept it, and figure out what your next move is. Plenty of guys have been where you are now and managed just fine. You will too. Just hang in there!

[Cuddlebaby]

wow Tata/Roger, that was AMAZING! and SO true brooklynactor. you will never be the same person again after catching your own child. Birth is the ULTIMATE bonder. Women's hormones are CRAZY at birth (if allowed to labor naturally *and* when SHE is ready) for a reason, it's so mom automatically bonds with whatever emerges from her body. Same is true for *everyone* in the room, she bonds with. Ever wonder why women fall in love with their OB? that's why. or have a VERY close relationship with their midwife? that's why. IF there are ONLY those around who the woman LOVES then that love is strengthened. Ironic that it's the same hormones released during orgasm. You will do fine. There is no love like there is for your own child. please keep us updated as to your journey. I love seeing it from the man's perspective.

[BrooklynActor]

Parents Disappiontment!

Last night I told my parents. We had told my DP's parents a few weeks ago. They were so excited and tearful! It really was beautiful. perhaps over optomistic but still very positive non the less.

Last night could not have been more different. It's not what was said it's what wasn't said. The utter shock and look of dissapointment. I could read it all "how could you let this happen! How could you do this! You have really f--k things up this time!" It took sooo much for me to say "we're pregnant" Just for the words to come out. I procrastinated the whole night, thinking about it as we all had dinner, not knowing what to say, feeling a dread and dispair deep with in. I'm still trying to catch up and I'm scared as all hell about the massive responsibility ahead. I was immediately hit with everything I expected. I hate being right! First came "you think you're ready for this...well, I hope you're getting married...Well you can no longer be selfish ... I hope you're going back to school (give up this silly thing of acting! also "back to school" meaning get a NEW career, I have a BFA from Carnegie Mellon), So what are you going to do?" I answered "well we're going to take it one step at a time" Reply: "that's not good enough!" I felt myself getting smaller and smaller, I felt the heaviness of dissapointment and the look in their eyes. I've never felt so small and empty inside! I don't have all the answers! H-ll I hardly have any of the answers! Yes I've been freaking out! Yes I could use all the support possible! But NO i'm not giving up my career to become a ... Pharmacutical salesman or some 9-5 office job. And I'm not going to Jump into Marriage simply due to circumstances! Simply because society says you need a piece of paper cause without it you and partner and your baby will live in shame! A Bastard child! Come on! do we live in the 14th century!???? Don't even think that language is even used anymore! I felt sooo terribly deflated, I felt myself shutting down! Empty inside! the Moments of silences seemed to last an eternity. I wanted to scream and yell and get out of there! actually I just wanted them to leave so I could lay down! If I felt overwhelmed hearing the news of the pregnancy I felt collapsed sitting there in judgement and dissapointment. My father at one point said "congratulations", My heart warmed to my dad like never before, One thing positive even if he was just saying it because he should! My mother sat across still wanting answers trying to sugercoat although the internal monologue was racing. My relationship with my parents is unusual, I'm very close with them, and they very much like to be involved in my life, they own my apartment in NYC which cuts down on my rent (I still pay rent every month just not market value which would be $1000 a month if not more plus my roommates amount) that fact though does give them a certain amount of "authority" over me even at the age of 28. in their minds I'm an actor because they allow me the privelage to be an actor. And of course the fact that I lost my job recently is playing right into their fears as well, "how is he going to support a child, he can't even support himself!" They still very much think of me as their child, their son, their young little boy!!! As they left my mother gave me the most passive embrace and whispered with sternness "we need to talk!" Both left. I sat there, laid down, feeling the size of nothing and empty and cold inside. I feel myself shutting down to everything and everyone! My DP tried to console me. We both knew we would have polar opposite reactions from our family and it played out just as we thought. But still nothing can prepare you for that. I told my DP that living here may not be possible. she understood. unfortunately it's going to get worse. it's going to get much more nasty. My parents remained composed and collected in front of DP but once alone they will release! For me I will either try to stand up for myself which will simply fuel the fire or shut down and take it. Neither sound appealing. In fact both sound awful. I can't even really stand up for myself because I don't have all the answers! Marriage, Career, am I ready, are we ready, where are we going to live??? Well you did this to yourself so now you have to live with it! luckily my dp has a very stable job as a teacher which makes a very livable wage. and Luckily my DP is amazingly supportive and encouraging of my career. She says that's what she fell in love with and she would never want me to give it up! Wish last night had gone better! feel so alone.

[mtullius]

Pardon me for jumping in at the end, but reading your post suggests to me that a big part of this whole thing is your relationship to your parents. And it may turn out that as you make THAT relationship work better for you, some of your anxiety about becoming a parent yourself will subside.

It sounds to me like you'd benefit greatly from some counseling (which I know has been suggested elsewhere here), either by yourself or as a couple. If there's ANY way you can afford this (and some counselors can work with you on the financial side), I think you really should consider it.

Your relationship with your parents sounds (to my untrained ear) like it's full of dysfunction. And that you don't really know how to deal with it. And that they're not relating to you as an adult (which you even said explicitly). All of those things are problems, for you emotionally now, and for you as a prospective parents (since some of our own parenting comes from what we've observed). You and your child will benefit if you work through some of this stuff.

Good luck!

[Violet2]

It sounds like you and your parents are not very alike and this would cause conflict at any major juncture in your life, not just having a baby. Sounds like too that there's a bit of a power imbalance that has been convenient thus far (i.e. the apartment), but now is an issue.

Your parents will come around. The trick is to ensure that they come around in a healthy, respectful way. Set limits and boundaries in a pleasant, proactive way. "I'm having a baby, not looking to reinvent myself" "Life happens to everyone sooner or later. I'm sure, being your son, that I am more than capable of rising to the challenge" might be good things to say.

You may have to leave them out of the loop for awhile until they mentally adjust to the news and the fact that you aren't going to let them tell you what to do.

V

[rockycrop]

Wow, I just read this whole thread.

OP, first of congratulations to you. My advice for the pregnancy is prepare, but don't expect. It is fun to learn all about the baby stuff, but also good to go in with an open mind and heart. You already sound like you are going to be a great dad.

As far as your parents go, I am sorry they reacted so negatively. They seem to have an idea of what THEY want for you, and when they want it. You are living your own life now, and while they may not like what you do, it's not up to them anymore.
I hate to say it, but you might have to stop living in their apartment. They seem to have you under their thumb a bit there.

I bet when the baby is born, they will love him/her dearly. I hope so. My mother was not pleased at all when she found out I was pregnant (and I was already married). I think she really wanted me to have some kind of glamorous career and travel the world or something. She still seems disappointed that I'm staying at home to raise my daughter. BUT she is freaking gaga over my baby. She really can't get enough of her. I hope your child will at least have a good relationship with your parents.


Ok, I know this is a lot, but just wanted to say one more thing:
One of the best things you can do for you kids is to be happy and fulfilled....if acting makes you happy, find a way to keep that in your life. If you are not doing work that is in some way satisfying to you, everyone will be miserable. You work things out, and things start to work out for you.

Good luck to you and your girlfriend.

[Cuddlebaby]

wow, it's time to cut the apron strings! THAT's cool and composed? you have GOT to be kidding! they are ruling over you! I really would love to encourage you to put some distance between you/gf/baby and them. you want people in your life to be UPLIFTING! not to mentions gf's living atmosphere should be peaceful. Well everyone's should be. you need to look around you. Who brings you peace? I'm not saying you have sever ALL relationship with them, but limit it. They need to know that YOU are calling the shots. "yes we will come over for sunday dinner BUT if any negativity comes from you, we will PROMPTLY leave" which ironically is exactly how you treat a tantruming toddler! and then DO it!!

you have all our encouragement.

[ebonysista]

I don't have anything to add but just wanted to say congratulations on becoming a new dad-to-be! I think you're going to do an awesome job and hopefully your parents will support you emotionally and accept your decision eventually.

[momo7]

Look....our parents don't define who we are. If they did, I'd be a train wreck. My story is SO much like yours and I was even younger (I was 18, he was 20) than you. I realized a long time ago that if I had done EVERY thing my mother wanted me to do, she'd still look at me and tell me how I wasted my life. My DH and I have been together for almost 20 years and after eight children she still tells me how much I f* up my life. I think my life is great, I have everything. Some people count their blessings in material possessions, some people realize that blessings come from the sacrifices that we make for the people that we love, material possessions are great....but they don't beat an honest and loving heart that comes in the package of little children.

WHAT do YOU want to do? You must love your baby's mamma, or you wouldn't be on a mothering board. Your parents cannot live thier lives through you. You are your own person......I think in your heart you KNOW that this little one that is coming is going to be the most important thing in your life....FOREVER. I guess what I am trying to say is that life is too short to let other people pick and choose for you what you really want. When you hold that tiny baby in your hands for the very first time you are going to think "What can EVER be better than this?" I learned, and I learn with every baby that I give birth to, when I look in my husband's eyes and he's holding that brand new life, the answer is nothing.


By and by you'll get the hang of things and you will wonder how you were ever scared. It will all work out if you give it a chance. Besides this is where the real aventure begins.