Wife had a miscarriage...

[Pagan Love Monkey]

My wife and I went to her ultrasound yesterday. They saw that the baby had stopped developing 3 weeks ago. She is devastated. I'm trying to be there for her. I don't know what else to do. Does anyone have any suggestions on something that I could do to make her feel better or at least to show her that I'm here for her?

[PikkuMyy]

I noticed that no one has responded here and I feel so bad that it's alone. I don't have any advice but I would suggest that you post in the Birth and Pregnancy loss subforum and I'm sure you'll get lots of support.

[DreamsInDigital]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband and I just suffered a miscarriage in April, and it was completely devastating.

The things my husband did for me that helped me were very simple, but important. He listened to me, constantly, even when all I was doing was repeating the same thing I'd already said 100 times. He never pressured me to "get over it already" unlike some of my other family members who insisted I had grieved long enough. He helped me decide on a name for our baby, and we sometimes talk about what the baby would have been like. He bought me a tree to remember our baby and when I forget to water it, he always remembers. It is important to me that he misses our lost baby as much as I do. He has never hesitated to hug me when I seemed sad, and he never asks me what's wrong because he knows when I am very sad I am thinking of our lost babe. He took over a lot of my normal duties while I recovered (I had a severe hemmorhage after the miscarriage that required hospitalization) and did not complain about it. He brought me tea and reminded me to take my iron supplement.

We are expecting again and he has supported me through the scary first trimester of wondering and fearing we would lose another one. He held onto hope when I could not and has made himself emotionally available to me whenever I've needed.

to you and your wife. I'm sorry you have to endure this terrible grief.

[avivaelona]

He never pressured me to "get over it already" unlike some of my other family members who insisted I had grieved long enough

This alone is the single most important thing you can do. It takes time to get past it, let her have whatever time she needs. Try to be available, try not to treat her like she's made of porcelin, but don't dissappear either. I'm so sorry for your wifes loss, but also for yours, don't forget that its your loss too. I think a lot of men are so busy taking care of their wives they forget to grieve themselves and keep trying to stay strong for their wives and instead of helping that makes it seem like they don't care. Find ways to grieve together if you can.

[Talula Fairie]

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience to your wife, I went in for my dating ultrasound a few months ago only to find out the pregnancy had stopped developing about 3 weeks prior. I had a D&C four days later.

I think the best thing you can do for your wife is to tell her you're there for her, that you'll do anything you can to make this time easier for her. Tell her how much you love and care about her. Avoid saying things like, "There's always next time" or "well at least you weren't too far along" or "it was God's will" or really anything that downplays/invalidates her feelings. I agree that one of the best things you can do is never pressure her to "get over it." Everyone takes a different amount of time to get over a pregnancy loss, and typically women take longer than men. For me (I've had three losses), it's always months before I feel "normal" again.

If you have other kids, giving her some time to herself may benefit her healing. I know I had to take a whole day after I found out the pregnancy wasn't viable to just lay on the sofa and watch my favorite tv show on DVD. Sometimes little things like that can help.

[janasmama]

Sorry for you loss....

How's everything going for you and your wife? Do you feel you've been able to support her the way you want/wanted to?

[Emma's_Mommy]

i am sooo sorry for your loss, my husband and i had a similar experience and the best thing he did was cry. i know it seems kinda silly but it made me feel better knowing that i wasn't the only one hurting. he also was always there for me emotionally....especally helpful when he did get pregnant again and i literally talked about how scared i was every day for a month until we saw the heartbeat.

the day we found out the baby had died was the worse day of my entire life, and im sure my husband felt the same way. Just remember you are allowed to grive as well.

[harrietsmama]

When I had my miscarriage, one of the most wonderful things my dh did was to hold me, rub my belly and kiss my neck in a fond way. He didn't really say anything, it was just an acknowledgment. He asked stuff like, do we need to do anything, or are you ok? I knew he meant from a physical stand point. It was my daughter's 1st b-day party and he handled everything. He set up the party decorations, baked the cake, vacuumed, and just let me veg with my favorite shows and just let me know that it was getting to this time - do you want to get ready, or do you want to just come down for a minute? I wanted to get ready - and he knew me - he went and picked out one of my favorite nice but comfy outfits, undies and everything and brought it for me.

He really didn't do anything else after that day, but I got a very good day. He isn't a talker and not very emotional. He's more of a do-er.

[mrsfatty]

I'm sorry for your loss...have you visited the pregnancy loss forum here? There is a sticky of things to do/say/how to "be there"/etc.

[adamsfam07]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, when I miscarried about 2 yrs ago, my DH would hold me a lot, and just let me cry it I needed to. He would tell me we could do whatever I needed to do to heal, go away for a while ect. He was incredibly supportive and I agree with the other moms who have said to just be there for your DW and don't pressure her to "get over it". Sending prayers for you and your wife.

[Labbemama]

First I want to say I am so sorry for the loss you and your dw have experienced.

Next I will say this...When I had my mc my dh and I were under a lot of other strains and it was hard for us to talk. I wanted to try again. He thought I must be crazy cuz I had nearly died and needed a transfusion.

But one of the sweetest things he has ever done was hold me and put a little angel with the baby's birthstone month in my hand for my mother's necklace.
We had two other children at that time and I had a mother's necklace with little stones for them. Well that necklace got lost later at a hotel. I took it off to shower and it got left behind somehow. Later he bought me a "family ring" and we incorporated all our children's birthstones in it. Actually getting that ring resulted in pregnancy #4.
But it was that gesture that said it all. He didn't have to say anything by giving me that little pendant I knew how much the baby and I meant to him. (Sniffs back a tear)

The other thing he could have done that I would have appreciated was not fight with me about my desire to have another baby at that time. I needed the hope just to draw breath and go on. That would have been better for our marriage. I realized what a wild idea that was later.
He also nagged me to get out of bed and all I wanted to do was just be alone with him and mourn. I needed more time.

[brightonwoman]

I have written quite a bit in my blog about miscarriage and several 'what to say/what to do' type posts as well--click the 'miscarriage' link in my siggy. You might have to scroll down a bit as I also have my miscarriage stories there.

For me, it really helped to talk with other moms who had lost babies--it validated my grief, you know? I would recommend spending some time in the grief/loss forums (depending on how you are each grieving at this point)

[Labbemama]

Another thing that helped was a group called SHAREAtlanta. I read a lot of people's stories and made a tribute page and showed it to dh later. (We hadn't had a burial or cremation) So we needed someplace to "visit."
I know that many couples have some sort of ritual or commemorative thing that they do each year to remember their baby.

Be gentle with yourself too, it's tempting to be the strong guy but it's important that she see that you are grieving TOGETHER. KWIM? You have BOTH lost someone you loved very much. (hugs)

[twead]

Big hugs for you and your wife. :
I'm so sorry. All the other things the pp said. When I had a loss my dh brought me a small stuffed lamb. I slept with that lamb for weeks and weeks, I cried a lot while hanging on to it. It gave me something tangible to relate to my unborn child. DH gives me plants as gifts all the time but in this instance I'm glad he didn't give me a plant. I would feel horrible all over again if I forgot to water it and it died . For me the snuggly was the perfect momento of the child we lost.