child abuse suspected. . what to do. . - Page 2

[veronicalynne]

I second taking the little one to a pediatrician also and let him/her judge. They know from experience the types of bruises/cuts that happen naturally while children learn to walk/play. My dd2 is 20 months and she might get the odd bruise or scratch since her balance is just terrible right now but it is not common for her......dd2 who is almost 4........gets tons of scrapes and bruises the way she rough plays and runs outside kwim? The eating all the time and being skinny.........that is hard to say on its own......my friends dd who will be 2 in August eats constantly but is the tiniest little thing........But all the things taken together with your boyfriends dd need to be watched and documented. Personally, it would be a red flag to me if she has already had CPS called on her before kwim? I wish your boyfriend would get involved enough to talk to his dd's pediatrician.......he/she should know how often she comes to him/her for injuries and if she has been to the emergency room at the hospital kwim? It is a tough decision whether to call or not.....if you truly feel there is abuse going on you need to call but I would document any injuries, photos etc too. How dirty is she when she visits?? It seems to be consistant.........I know I have taken dd1 and dd2 out and after I am out taken a good look at their face and have been horrified to discover I had forgotten to wash the spagetti sauce off or there is a stain on their clothing....all their clothing seem to have stains.....and the shoes........it sounds like she is walking in those shoes to get blisters like that......

[KBecks]

This is tough. A sprained ankle would concern me. Strange color poops happen a lot depending on diet, I wouldn't assume that's from blood. Small shoes I would buy her new ones and probably get on with it.

Scratches and bruises are somewhat normal but it depends on the severity. How is the baby otherwise? Does she seem healthy and strong? Is she happy? Is she growing?

It sounds like she certainly isn't getting the best care at home and may not be getting enough attention to her needs, but I don't know if it's neglect.

I like the idea of keeping a journal and taking pictures, and try to focus on the big picture, taking in all the details, on whether overall she is doing well or she is not. Small bruises and surface scratches are not problems, IMO. A black eye and a sprained ankle are more concerning for sure. Keep an eye on it. Possibly call CPS but it's borderline for me and would depend on how the big picture looks.

I also think that consulting a pediatrician is a wonderful idea. Even to have your own pediatrician look her over and develop a relationship so he/she is familiar with the girl and can develop a track record for any future concerns or injuries. She may need to see a pedi for the sprain anyway. Even if you are paying for these visits out of pocket I think it would be worth it to protect this girl. And then you will also know what is really concerning and pediatrician worthy vs. what is more normal things.

You may want to pick up a baby/child medical book for reference as well. I really like Baby 411.

[Labyrinth]

I would definitely report it.

You can call 1-800-4-A-CHILD . It's a child abuse hotline, it's not a reporting hotline but it's a hotline where you talk to someone about reporting. They walk you through the process and explain what should be reported and what shouldn't be reported. When you call I believe you talk to a masters level social worker, so it's not just a volunteer, it's actually a professional.

I hope that helps, good luck.

[chaoticzenmom]

Why did your boyfriend tell the mother that she couldn't see her daughter anymore if he had primary custody? That doesn't seem right at all. She was having difficulties and was willing to let him take thier daughter and he messed it up by saying that she would lose her daughter altogether. Maybe he should offer to take primary custody of his daughter and give the mother visitation. He messed up there by making it an all or nothing situation with the mother.

I also agree with going to a pediatrician for a consultation. Be aware though, that he should try to get primary custody in a workable situation for the mother before involving any authorities. The worst case scenario is that this girl gets sucked up into the system and nobody can get her out.

He needs to sit down with the mother and offer up a good custody situation. What mother (good or bad) would agree to giving up thier child and not being able to see that child again?

Lisa

[Individuation]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

Why did your boyfriend tell the mother that she couldn't see her daughter anymore if he had primary custody? That doesn't seem right at all. She was having difficulties and was willing to let him take thier daughter and he messed it up by saying that she would lose her daughter altogether. Maybe he should offer to take primary custody of his daughter and give the mother visitation. He messed up there by making it an all or nothing situation with the mother.

I also agree with going to a pediatrician for a consultation. Be aware though, that he should try to get primary custody in a workable situation for the mother before involving any authorities. The worst case scenario is that this girl gets sucked up into the system and nobody can get her out.

He needs to sit down with the mother and offer up a good custody situation. What mother (good or bad) would agree to giving up thier child and not being able to see that child again?

Lisa

Yeah, that whole anecdote made me think the dad/boyfriend in this situation is way off... which is why I haven't commented so far.

[kris10leigh]

he is not the custodial parent so he does not have the right to get medical help unless it is child abuse and then the only place he can take her is the er. I dont even know if he ever know her pediatrician is. To be quite honest I dont know alot of his rights (I just go by what Im told) and I know he doesnt know his rights either.

[whalemilk]

In my observation, when a very young man has a child with a very young woman, and the very young woman raises the child while the very young man pays child support, and the very young man gets a new very young girlfriend, she quite frequently believes that the child's mother is a terrible, terrible person. And she then becomes involved in trying to win battles with the mother of the child on her boyfriend's behalf, and things get very, very, very ugly.

I'd recommend everyone involved step the heck away from each other, get some professional mediators involved (preferably ones that are at least a good 10 years older than 19) and take a deep breath. I feel for the kid stuck in the middle of everyone's busted romantic liasons.

[kris10leigh]

He said that she could not see her later because she was giving her up for her dream of moving to chicago. she had tried b4 with the lil girl and realized it wouldnt work but only after quiting her job. Again he went back to his childhood the passing around and the arguments 1 parent trying to take him from the other parent and authorities being called on 1 parent or the other. He did explain that that was the reson she asked for a day to think about it and then she came back and said she was just angry that she cant do anything anymore.

[Brilliantmama]

Originally Posted by aricha

Because I work with children professionally, I am considered a mandatory reporter, which means I am required by law to report credible cases of suspected child abuse. Part of our training as mandatory reporters reinforces to us the idea that adults have to speak up for children who may be in danger... a young child certainly can't call protective services on their own, and a toddler can't even tell someone if they are in danger but that you have concerns.

Me too, I am a MSW, this totally sounds suspicious. Call today. Say you want remain annonymous (use a payphone if you like) and that you are not sure if the child is in danger.

Originally Posted by aricha

Involvement from protective services doesn't always mean a child is removed from the home. It means someone is watching out for a child who is at risk of abuse and neglect. It could mean that mom gets help from other agencies to learn to be a great mother to her daughter.

There are some excellent rsources for young, inexperienced parents, especially if it is ignorance and not malicious abuse.

Originally Posted by Labyrinth

I would definitely report it.

Again call today.

Originally Posted by Labyrinth

You can call 1-800-4-A-CHILD . It's a child abuse hotline, it's not a reporting hotline but it's a hotline where you talk to someone about reporting. They walk you through the process and explain what should be reported and what shouldn't be reported. When you call I believe you talk to a masters level social worker, so it's not just a volunteer, it's actually a professional.

It is not your job to figure out if it is actual abuse. That is the job of CPS. Your job as a caring adult in this baby's life is to report your concerns.

[kris10leigh]

Originally Posted by whalemilk

In my observation, when a very young man has a child with a very young woman, and the very young woman raises the child while the very young man pays child support, and the very young man gets a new very young girlfriend, she quite frequently believes that the child's mother is a terrible, terrible person. And she then becomes involved in trying to win battles with the mother of the child on her boyfriend's behalf, and things get very, very, very ugly.

I'd recommend everyone involved step the heck away from each other, get some professional mediators involved (preferably ones that are at least a good 10 years older than 19) and take a deep breath. I feel for the kid stuck in the middle of everyone's busted romantic liasons.

I do not think she is a terrible person I think under circumstances she has had and the role model "parents" in the home that she definately needs some guidance. Given everything the minor scratches were not a huge deal but they were noticed. And the real issues came about the circumstance of the "i don't want her come pick her up" and now the sprain.

As for her being happy stated in another response she is happy at his housebut when he takes her home or her mother picks her she cries clutches to him and tells her mom no.
She does grow in height but not weight, my friends 9 month old is bigger than she is.
He tried to take care of the shoe situation by calling the mom letting her know that his DD is in a size 5 to 5 1/2 shoe and that he was throwing the size 3's away. and despite what has been said about how difficult shoe putting on can be she is a very girly girl who loves shoes and will sit and put different shoes on all day when we have her and it is not a difficult task. and putting the size 3s were she cried and for good reason you shove your foot into a shoe that is 2 - 2 1/2 sizes to small. its not comfortable. her toes had blisters and she grabbed her shoes we have for her and wanted them on instead. She knows the difference. since then we have thrown out approx 3 pairs of shoes and sent home even more. at some point her mother needs to take the child support and buy her some shoes that are the size. we have a resale shop you can buy shoes for 1.50 to 2 bucks there is no excuse.

[betterparent]

you mentioned not knowing rights. he has the right to take her to the doctor unless that right has been taken away by the court. he probably should let the mother know he is taking her though,and he should try to take her to her regular ped.

you need to document, he needs to talk to the mother. if the mother refuses, then call child line or any number that is out there. I know someone that did not call because they did not want to upset anyone and bad things happened.

[Phoenix~Mama]

To add onto what betterparent said...

your BF should really know who the peditrician is.. what if something happened while you had the daughter and needed to call to medical advice or something? And he most certainly could take her to get treated... he is the responsible parent at that time.

DP has all of my DSD's docs names and numbers.

[pranamama]

How old was your man when he got this girl pregnant who gave birth at 15? Does that mean she got preggers at 14 yrs old?


If he was lots older that could explain his hesitancy to rock the boat.

[whalemilk]

Good catch.

I hate to see kids caught in the middle of grownups or almost grownups bickering. If she needs new shoes and you know a place where you can get them for two bucks and there's "no excuse" why don't YOU go buy her some? If her mom is obviously parenting from a disadvantage, and became a mother at 15 and is struggling, why don't YOU help her out? Why jump right to social services and custody revocation and making things ugly? Surely there is a more peacable road.

[Ruthla]

This sounds like a very messed up, unhealthy situation. As the dad's girlfriend, there really isn't a whole lot you can do to help directly. Certainly you can help provide appropriate care while she's with Dad, but you don't have any legal say in terms of custody arrangments, taking baby to the dr, etc.

He should be taking her for medical evaluation any time the baby shows up with bruises, sprains, or blisters.

If he's not willing to do these things, then you need to speak up for her. Really, it sounds like the only option you have is to contact CPS and let them know your concerns, as you can't take her to the dr yourself and it's highly doubtful that the mom is going to listen to you.

I do want to point out that child support doesn't cover everything, and she may need that money for rent and/or food. She very well may NOT have a spare $2 for "new" shoes or the time to go thrift store shopping.

Some bruises happen just from kids being kids and falling from places they climbed onto. The sprain might have been from a similar fall- or all those injuries could have been caused by child abuse.

And kids grow in all shapes and sizes. My son at 6mo weighed more than DD1 did at a year. DD1 and DD2 were so close in size that they were often mistaken for twins, even though they're 16m apart in age, DD1 was petite and DD2 not so much, and were very similar in size from the time DD2 was 5mo or so.

[angelpie545]

Originally Posted by whalemilk

Good catch.

I hate to see kids caught in the middle of grownups or almost grownups bickering. If she needs new shoes and you know a place where you can get them for two bucks and there's "no excuse" why don't YOU go buy her some? If her mom is obviously parenting from a disadvantage, and became a mother at 15 and is struggling, why don't YOU help her out? Why jump right to social services and custody revocation and making things ugly? Surely there is a more peacable road.

I think that the OP is going about this very maturely and peacefully. She certainly did seek advice before jumping the gun and calling CPS didn't she? And also, it is not HER responsibility to get the child new shoes. That is between the parents, and when the child comes into their care in shoes that are too small and blistering her feet despite her mother having the ability to provide her with shoes that fit her, then that is a problem. I wouldn't call CPS on that factor alone, but it does sound like the mother is in need of some guidance, if not more than that.

That said, I do think that father needs to step up a bit and learn more about his rights. Even if he isn't the custodial parent, he should have the right to take his daughter to a pediatrician if he feels that there is a valid reason too.
I think right now, that sounds like the best idea. To the OP, document, document, document. I won't call right away, but I would keep an eye on things.

[Rosehip]

Originally Posted by kris10leigh

he is not the custodial parent so he does not have the right to get medical help unless it is child abuse and then the only place he can take her is the er. .

I'd be very surprised if this is true unless there's a lot more to the story. You're saying, that if DD were visiting her father, and got food poisoning, or were in a car crash, he would be forbidden to take her to the doctor? I don't believe that at all.

Call DCFS and report your suspicions. Sure, my kids get bumps, etc., but a black eye and a sprained ankle, and bruises, with no credible explanations and an angry, defensive mom? That's suspicious. There may not be anything there, but it's suspicious.

Secondly, and more important for you. Recognize that you are involved in an extremely dysfunctional situation, and one that is not likely to improve in the short term. It sounds like all parties are young and not particularly stable in terms of employment, housing arrangements, and long-term plans.

There are two parents who obviously cannot cooperate, a child who is possibly being neglected and/or abused, and a grandmother (sounds like DD lives w/the granny too) who has a history of HER children being taken away. You need to step back and really consider whether you should (not want) be involved in this relationship.

[kris10leigh]

Originally Posted by pranamama

How old was your man when he got this girl pregnant who gave birth at 15? Does that mean she got preggers at 14 yrs old?


If he was lots older that could explain his hesitancy to rock the boat.

i do not know how she was at the time of the sex i do not know her bday given the birthdate of his DD and his bday Id say he had just turned 17 around the time of the sex. the mother was 15 at the time of delivery and is now 17 and he is 19

[LynnS6]

You and your bf need to document things and take her to a pediatrician. If someone else files a complaint with CPS, what is your bf going to do if the child's mother says "he did it!" It's a he-said-she-said kind of situation. If he won't do it for his child's best interests, maybe reminding him of his own self interest will help!

If he documents things, AND take he takes her to a doctor to have her checked out, then he's showing himself to be a responsible parent. Honestly, his daughter showed up on his doorstep with a sprained ankle and he didn't take her to the doctor? Why on earth not? If she can't walk, she needs to go to the doctor. Period.

There are legal aid clinics that can help him determine his rights. If he has partial physical custody, he must also have rights to take her to the doctor when she stays there.

[kris10leigh]

Originally Posted by whalemilk

Good catch.

I hate to see kids caught in the middle of grownups or almost grownups bickering. If she needs new shoes and you know a place where you can get them for two bucks and there's "no excuse" why don't YOU go buy her some? If her mom is obviously parenting from a disadvantage, and became a mother at 15 and is struggling, why don't YOU help her out? Why jump right to social services and custody revocation and making things ugly? Surely there is a more peacable road.

We are the ones who have bought shoes. As i said she comes in shoes to small we throw them away and send her home in ones we have for her at his house. we have went thru tonds of shoes because we send her home in shoes that fit she comes back wearing shoes to small. it never ends. I would not call her struggling to cough up 2 bucks for shoes for her daughter since she was working 2 jobs and quit them to move to chicago she apparently wasnt to worried about how she would support her chilld and whos fault is that? not my bfs because he told her not to go and that it would be hard for her to raise a child in a city she is not familiar with at all. she went for a week came back and was out a job. during that week he had the lil girl. she has since gotten a new but lower paying job, again her own fault for quitting both her jobs. Also as i have stated my bf pays his child support and which is suppose to SUPPORT his child and has bought every decent pair of shoes that he never sees again. Even when she is saw out with her mother she is dirty and I talked to the mothers babysitter and she said she buys her own diapers for her as well as keeps food drinks and clothes that she buys out of pocket for her because the DD was coming to her house with nothing but the clothes on her back and they were dirty. The babysitter and i graduated together but def. were not friends so itwasnt something said to please me and it wasnt me searching for her the babysitter ran into us when we were out and later contacted me