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child abuse suspected. . what to do. . - Page 3

post #41 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by ToastyToes View Post
I'd be very surprised if this is true unless there's a lot more to the story. You're saying, that if DD were visiting her father, and got food poisoning, or were in a car crash, he would be forbidden to take her to the doctor? I don't believe that at all.

There are two parents who obviously cannot cooperate, a child who is possibly being neglected and/or abused, and a grandmother (sounds like DD lives w/the granny too) who has a history of HER children being taken away. You need to step back and really consider whether you should (not want) be involved in this relationship.
depending on the state and the custody arrangements this actually may be true. My x husband has no legal custody only 5 hours of parenting time every other week. he cannot sign for medical treatment. If there were an emergency he would take them to the ER, call me and I would meet him there to sign the paper work. if there is shared legal then the father has the right to take her to the pediatrician usually.
the grandmother worries me. she has a history and spends a lot of time with the baby. that sounds a little off

Quote:
Originally Posted by kris10leigh View Post
We are the ones who have bought shoes. As i said she comes in shoes to small we throw them away and send her home in ones we have for her at his house. we have went thru tonds of shoes because we send her home in shoes that fit she comes back wearing shoes to small. it never ends. I would not call her struggling to cough up 2 bucks for shoes for her daughter since she was working 2 jobs and quit them to move to chicago she apparently wasnt to worried about how she would support her chilld and whos fault is that? . Also as i have stated my bf pays his child support and which is suppose to SUPPORT his child and has bought every decent pair of shoes that he never sees again. Even when she is saw out with her mother she is dirty and I talked to the mothers babysitter and she said she buys her own diapers for her as well as keeps food drinks and clothes that she buys out of pocket for her because the DD was coming to her house with nothing but the clothes on her back and they were dirty. The babysitter and i graduated together but def. were not friends so itwasnt something said to please me and it wasnt me searching for her the babysitter ran into us when we were out and later contacted me

it sounds like your everyone involved is young. It's great he is paying child support but most support amounts arent enough to really do much. Plus if he has a job that doesn't pay well his support payments may not even buy the groceries KWIM? its good that he buys the shoes since just paying child support does not mean you never have to spend another cent again
post #42 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by eloquence View Post
I think I would go on with my life, finish my education, and let him care for his daughter without me. I wouldn't stay in that relationship with him.
That's probably easier said than done. But at 19 years old I tend to agree with your comment. The original poster is still very young and has her whole life ahead of her. Getting involved with a couple like this could mean years and years of harrassment from the child's mother if they were to report her or try and gain full custody of the child.
post #43 of 116
Quote:
He said that she could not see her later because she was giving her up for her dream of moving to chicago. she had tried b4 with the lil girl and realized it wouldnt work but only after quiting her job. Again he went back to his childhood the passing around and the arguments 1 parent trying to take him from the other parent and authorities being called on 1 parent or the other. He did explain that that was the reson she asked for a day to think about it and then she came back and said she was just angry that she cant do anything anymore.
You could do so much better than this. It sounds like he and his EX have bad backgrounds. Maybe you should take a break from the relationship. It sounds like he has a lot on his plate right now that he needs to take care of before moving on to another relationship anyway. I know you're young and it's hard to understand but I've seen people go through similar situations over the years and it might not turn out good for you if you stay in it.
post #44 of 116
sorry, but I do not like the idea of people telling her to leave the relationship without giving anything a chance. she came here for advice on how to deal with the problem and I think it shows a great amount of maturity that she wants to deal with it and not run away. it seems to me like she wants to help the child, what good is her neglecting the child as well?
post #45 of 116
Quote:
Even when she is saw out with her mother she is dirty and I talked to the mothers babysitter and she said she buys her own diapers for her as well as keeps food drinks and clothes that she buys out of pocket for her because the DD was coming to her house with nothing but the clothes on her back and they were dirty.
It sounds as if some (or possibly most) of the child's most basic needs are not being met and this would definitely concern me, if I was you, and should really concern your partner. Is he aware of this information? What is his response? He should be as concerned about his own child's welfare and needs to explore his rights--why do you feel would he be against you documenting any of these occurrences?
post #46 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by betterparent View Post
sorry, but I do not like the idea of people telling her to leave the relationship without giving anything a chance. she came here for advice on how to deal with the problem and I think it shows a great amount of maturity that she wants to deal with it and not run away. it seems to me like she wants to help the child, what good is her neglecting the child as well?
Honestly, the child is not her responsibility at this time. It's great that the original poster cares about the child, but the OP has no binding commitments.

I think it's good for the girlfriend to consider the long term implications of this relationship and the complexities that will absolutely make her life difficult if she stays in this relationship. Especially important is not having children with or marrying her boyfriend unless she is very sure that's what she wants for herself. If she has not moved in with the boyfriend, all the better -- think twice about that. Although moving out is much easier and less painful than a divorce, or separation with children.

I agree this situation is certainly not ideal, and at age 19, the girlfriend should really consider her needs, wants and dreams and possibly move on.
post #47 of 116
Thread Starter 
He is aware of the cleanliness and it is common knowledge to pick her up an hour early b4 anything to clean her up. he never sends her home dirty or wearing something that is dirty. Other ppl notice it I had ppl from work calling me the day she sprained her ankle cause they came in and it was noticeable. He does not have any custody of the child. they have worked out the visitation but alot of times the visitation is more of him being a babysitter for whenever the mother wants to go out and party. He never turns down a day with his daughter and he shouldnt. However my bf goes to school full time and has been known to work a strait 12 hour shift on the weekend. he does what he can to support his daughter and along with paying the child support he does have to furnish his needs at HIS OWN HOUSE and you dont see him asking the mother for any help with this. The mother doesnt ask for help either she just shoves her into small shoes and clothes that are to small or whatever.

I have no intentions of LEAVING my boyfriend as all of you may think we are to young i do love him and will stand by him no matter what. However at the moment he is going thru somethings and has needed some time alone. So I have stepped back. But I still support and will be there for him 100%
post #48 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by KBecks View Post
Honestly, the child is not her responsibility at this time. It's great that the original poster cares about the child, but the OP has no binding commitments.
Yesterday I attended a state-wide meeting about child abuse and neglect and we were talking about just this issue... how many abused and neglected children have not been helped because people didn't want to poke their nose in other people's business, upset someone, or get involved?

We are the adults, whether we are 19 or 45... it is our responsibility as one human being to another to watch out for each other, and it is our responsibility as adults to protect the children that we come into contact with. If you don't speak up for a child who can't talk, who will? Who is going to help the mother learn to care for her child if everyone sees it and no one gets involved? Clearly the people who we believe ARE responsible for the child's well being are NOT taking that responsibility... someone has to!

I, for one, hope the original poster has the courage to speak up for a child who clearly needs a responsible adult to make sure she is having her basic needs met. If you don't know who to call, PM me and tell me where you are and I will tell you who to call.

Calling doesn't mean someone is going to go break down her door and take her child... it means that someone will make sure she has what she needs to care for her child if she is willing and able to do so.
post #49 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by kris10leigh View Post
He is aware of the cleanliness and it is common knowledge to pick her up an hour early b4 anything to clean her up. he never sends her home dirty or wearing something that is dirty. Other ppl notice it I had ppl from work calling me the day she sprained her ankle cause they came in and it was noticeable. He does not have any custody of the child. they have worked out the visitation but alot of times the visitation is more of him being a babysitter for whenever the mother wants to go out and party. He never turns down a day with his daughter and he shouldnt. However my bf goes to school full time and has been known to work a strait 12 hour shift on the weekend. he does what he can to support his daughter and along with paying the child support he does have to furnish his needs at HIS OWN HOUSE and you dont see him asking the mother for any help with this. The mother doesnt ask for help either she just shoves her into small shoes and clothes that are to small or whatever.
is there anything in writing that outlines support amount, parenting times, custody and responsibilities? if there isn't that should probably get taken care of. in a lot of states (not all) but a lot if the parents aren't married the mother automatically has full physical and legal custody which leaves the dad pretty much powerless unless paternity is established.
a set support amount is necessary for the baby, as well as outlines times for parenting times and behavior guidelines.
post #50 of 116
I'm a mandatory reporter, too. I wouldn't hesitate to call in this case. CPS won't remove the little girl from her mother just because you call. They'll do an investigation and make a determination based on many, many factors. The actions they might take include nothing, removal, education, parenting plan requirements, etc.

Call right now. This little girl needs to be on somebody's radar. The fact that she's living with a known abuser, even if that person is not her parent, is a cause for concern in addition to the other problems. You'll be anonymous when you call.

Does this little girl go to daycare or a babysitter? I wonder if they have any concerns? During the years I worked with kids, I would have paid close attention to any child who consistently showed up dirty or in inappropriate clothing.

Poop can be lots of colors and not a cause for concern, but if it's ever black and resembles coffee grounds, she needs to go to the ER immediately. That's digested blood and indicates internal bleeding.
post #51 of 116
no matter what else happens, please call CPS anonymously. they cant tell anybody who called. They cant tell anybody anything. with what you say it could have been anybody who called. go to a pay phone some where alone and call anon. maybe they will go in and give her help and she will become a great mom. maybe they will give her to your bf. maybe something else will happen. it sounds like the child is in a bad place and needs to be saved. please save her. just call. anonymously. i am sure i have saved at least 2 kids by making that one anonymous call. tell them everything. they will have enough reason to go ask questions and look around. they will do so usually without warning esp if you tell them that the little girl is living with the grandma and she has founded child abuse on her record. maybe this is what the mom needs to realize she needs to do better. they can offer her help to get out of the gmas house and on their own, to buy clothes, and get other stuff. they can offer so much to this young momma. please call.
post #52 of 116
It amazes me the number of people who have told her to move on "this isn't her problem" mentality. God I hope youre never a victim of crime and need a fellow human to help you. You are advocating her turning her back on a helpless child that she feels is in danger. Regardless if she continues the relationship with her bf, as a human being it is disgusting what you are suggesting. It amazes me even more that it is on this site. There is nothing family-friendly, child-friendly or peaceful in leaving a child in misery.

Kudo to the OP for being a positive influence in this childs life and supporting her bf to be a good father. Your gut is telling you something isn't right. Not to be over dramatic--but there is a mother in the news right now who won't say where her missing 2yo daughter is, and her car smells like a dead body. I'm sure there were signs that people ignored.
post #53 of 116
Thread Starter 

Thanks

Thanks to everyone who gave support and guidance. My bf has since talked to DD mother and asked her to take her to the doctor. The dr. said to keep her off it (which of course we've been doing) and to keep ice on it for 15 min out of every hour. we have been putting ice on it but not that often. It is sad to say she prolly wont be walking for atleast 4 more days but she is getting use to it. . . as use to it as any 19 mo. old can.

I have not called dcfs yet as he has had DD and will have her til sunday night. I continue to tell him to get things legalized but he still hasnt. the only thing legalized is him being the father and the amount support he is paying. visitation is just "agreements" between the 2 of them.

I did not know and found out after talking to him about documentation that he has saved the messages of her saying she does not want DD and telling him to come pick her up. which i was worried he had just dismissed, I suppose at times he does listen to my advise and i should give him more credit.

As for the 2 of us things have gotten better. We've grown over the past week and are now communicating even better. He was going thru a rough patch dealing with it all was stressing him out. Now he seeems to be happier which is exactly what i want my 2 favorite ppl to be happy and healthy. I continue towatch and listen and have not ruled out calling. I did not know they can do so much to help keep the kids in the home. from past experience with my grandma and her foster kids they were always coming and going. Legal battles in court etc. . I didnt want DD TO BE TAKEN AWAY PUT INTO foster care. Id simply like for her to be cared for better and if that is not possible by mother id like for her father to definately be considered.

Again thanks to every1!
post #54 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by aricha View Post
We are the adults, whether we are 19 or 45... it is our responsibility as one human being to another to watch out for each other, and it is our responsibility as adults to protect the children that we come into contact with.
I think the OP is watching out for this child, and she is not neglecting her. At the same time, the OP is not bound to this relationship with her BF, and if she decides to move on, she's free to. That's the point is that she has choices.

I don't think she should automatically leave her BF, but, she should realize that this is a complex situation and take time to reflect on whether it's something she wants to commit to for the long term.

I don't think it's right to say she has to be responsible for this child just because the legal parents are struggling. She has no legal rights or obligations to this child. Yes it's great that she cares and it's great that she will stand up for this child if she suspects abuse, but at the same time, this doesn't have to sign up to be committed to this girl for life either. She might not want that for herself and that's OK too.

I think it's great that she's helping her BF in whatever ways she feels comfortable.
post #55 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by kris10leigh View Post
Thanks to everyone who gave support and guidance. My bf has since talked to DD mother and asked her to take her to the doctor. The dr. said to keep her off it (which of course we've been doing) and to keep ice on it for 15 min out of every hour. we have been putting ice on it but not that often. It is sad to say she prolly wont be walking for atleast 4 more days but she is getting use to it. . . as use to it as any 19 mo. old can.

I have not called dcfs yet as he has had DD and will have her til sunday night. I continue to tell him to get things legalized but he still hasnt. the only thing legalized is him being the father and the amount support he is paying. visitation is just "agreements" between the 2 of them.

I did not know and found out after talking to him about documentation that he has saved the messages of her saying she does not want DD and telling him to come pick her up. which i was worried he had just dismissed, I suppose at times he does listen to my advise and i should give him more credit.

As for the 2 of us things have gotten better. We've grown over the past week and are now communicating even better. He was going thru a rough patch dealing with it all was stressing him out. Now he seeems to be happier which is exactly what i want my 2 favorite ppl to be happy and healthy. I continue towatch and listen and have not ruled out calling. I did not know they can do so much to help keep the kids in the home. from past experience with my grandma and her foster kids they were always coming and going. Legal battles in court etc. . I didnt want DD TO BE TAKEN AWAY PUT INTO foster care. Id simply like for her to be cared for better and if that is not possible by mother id like for her father to definately be considered.

Again thanks to every1!
I'm so glad to hear she's doing better. I would also suggest a call because in this situation I think it would help more than hurt. With the ages of the parents I suspect CPS would be very helpful, especially to the mother, they can help her find a better place to live and get her parenting help as well as access to more services. She could end up being a great mother and the coparenting relationship between her and the father could improve which can only be good for the child. I also don't understand the idea of cutting your losses without calling first. You have bitten off a lot and anyone could understand if you left but that doesn't mean neglecting your responsibility as a human. I'm glad you are there to care. Best wishes.
post #56 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by hbmomof5 View Post
It amazes me the number of people who have told her to move on "this isn't her problem" mentality. God I hope youre never a victim of crime and need a fellow human to help you. You are advocating her turning her back on a helpless child that she feels is in danger.
Chill.

Perhaps, some are giving their opinions about his character.

No one said NOT to call CPS while leaving him and moving on. No one said for her to turn her back on a victim.

Me? if I suspected child abuse? I'd call. And, if I saw that the father didn't care and got angry at me for wanting to help? I'd leave his ass, wouldn't you?
post #57 of 116
Oh, sweetie, I was glad to read your update from today. It's great to hear that things are smooth at the moment. I have some suggestion for you, but first I wanted to encourage you a little bit and try to share some (hard won!) experience.

Even though you're not married to your BF, you're in a step-mom situation right now. I can tell you, as a woman who has played many roles in my lifetime, that being a step-mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than being a young, broke single mom with two babies, harder than being the mother of a special needs child, harder than anything. I don't say any of that to scare you, but to make you aware that this is no small thing you've signed on for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kris10leigh View Post
I have not called dcfs yet as he has had DD and will have her til sunday night. I continue to tell him to get things legalized but he still hasnt. the only thing legalized is him being the father and the amount support he is paying. visitation is just "agreements" between the 2 of them.
I hope you'll very carefully consider the circumstances under which you will remain in this relationship. If he refuses to go to court and get all the protections to which he is legally entitled (50/50 custody, both legal and physical (which are legally separate in most states) and a detailed parenting plan), that means big things for you. If there's no iron-clad agreement in place, then your SD's mom will always have a larger role in your life than you want. Not to say that a good agreement guarantees anything, but NOT having the agreement guarantees trouble, IYKWIM. If your BF does not know his rights, he can't exercise them.

Know your personal limits and live by them. Your situation has the potential to be horrifically explosive, and you have choices here. I love my husband truly, madly, and deeply, and I love his his son with wild abandon. But if my husband was unwilling to step up to the plate and do whatever is necessary to protect our family from his very jealous ex-wife, I'd leave. We've never had any suspicions of abuse, but if he had concerns of that nature and didn't move heaven and earth to get to the bottom of that and protect his kid, that'd tell me a lot about his character.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kris10leigh View Post
I did not know and found out after talking to him about documentation that he has saved the messages of her saying she does not want DD and telling him to come pick her up. which i was worried he had just dismissed, I suppose at times he does listen to my advise and i should give him more credit.

I did not know they can do so much to help keep the kids in the home. from past experience with my grandma and her foster kids they were always coming and going. Legal battles in court etc. . I didnt want DD TO BE TAKEN AWAY PUT INTO foster care. Id simply like for her to be cared for better and if that is not possible by mother id like for her father to definately be considered.
Calling CPS absolutely does not mean automatic foster care placement. In fact, it usually doesn't come to that. We hear all the horror stories about CPS in the news and it makes us scared. Fact is, though, that CPS does plenty of good, protects lots of kids, and keeps lots of families together. The sister of a friend of mine once had CPS called on her for poor parenting, and the kids were never removed from her home, even for one night. She was court ordered to attend parenting classes, had to meet some other requirements of the court (safety and cleanliness of her home being primary concerns), and was given support and guidance to meet those requirements. Since she was willing to do what needed to be done, her family wasn't separated.

I hope things work out great for you. Protecting a little girl is a very important thing. Protecting yourself is also important!
post #58 of 116
Thread Starter 
I dont think he is not willing to do what it takes for his daughter i think he is just hesitant. I also dont believe its his character I think it is his self esteem and his experiences. If he had the means to give her the world he most certainly world. He does doubt his own parenting skills even tho I dont. He is very protective of her when she is with him and she is definately on a schedule. His insecurities are what i believe hold him back. and we are working on them.
post #59 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by kris10leigh View Post
i do not know how she was at the time of the sex i do not know her bday given the birthdate of his DD and his bday Id say he had just turned 17 around the time of the sex. the mother was 15 at the time of delivery and is now 17 and he is 19
You are in a serious relationship with this man and are not even sure how old he was when his dd was born? Maybe it's just me, but that seems crazy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kris10leigh View Post
He is aware of the cleanliness and it is common knowledge to pick her up an hour early b4 anything to clean her up. he never sends her home dirty or wearing something that is dirty. Other ppl notice it I had ppl from work calling me the day she sprained her ankle cause they came in and it was noticeable. He does not have any custody of the child. they have worked out the visitation but alot of times the visitation is more of him being a babysitter for whenever the mother wants to go out and party. He never turns down a day with his daughter and he shouldnt. However my bf goes to school full time and has been known to work a strait 12 hour shift on the weekend. he does what he can to support his daughter and along with paying the child support he does have to furnish his needs at HIS OWN HOUSE and you dont see him asking the mother for any help with this. The mother doesnt ask for help either she just shoves her into small shoes and clothes that are to small or whatever.
Why not? Was anything done legally? Was paternity established? Is his name on the birth certificate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kris10leigh View Post
I have not called dcfs yet as he has had DD and will have her til sunday night. I continue to tell him to get things legalized but he still hasnt. the only thing legalized is him being the father and the amount support he is paying. visitation is just "agreements" between the 2 of them.
How was this legalized? I'm sorry to say, but this could come back and bite him in the butt so bad. He needs to get this straightened in court. It seems like he has the girl a fair amount of time. I would encourage him to file for joint legal and physical custody (unless he can get the mom to agree to him having full physical custody, or if a lawyer thinks he can get it). With him not having any custody at all the mom can just pick up and move away and he will have to fight hard to even see his little girl again He needs to protect this girl (and himself) and get things done in court.

I am glad the little girl seems to be doing better.
post #60 of 116
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
You are in a serious relationship with this man and are not even sure how old he was when his dd was born? Maybe it's just me, but that seems crazy!
I do know. the question was how old was she not him. he was the same age at the time of the sex and birth of his dd.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
Why not? Was anything done legally? Was paternity established? Is his name on the birth certificate?
they went to the court house and signed papers stating he is the father and how much child support to be paid. They agreed on visitation times and have tried to work it out.
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