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Asian IL's disliking white DIL's - Page 2

post #21 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by misswerewolf View Post
I think this is less an issue of culture and more an issue of individual beings.
I am white, "married" to a Korean man, and my mother in law could care less about my ethnicity. I think she was just happy her son actually found someone at the old age of 26.
The "issues" we have are normal mil issues and don't stem from race. I suppose there's some lack of effective communication stemming from coming from different backgrounds, but no real problems.

After reading pp, I feel like I should be calling her more- I wonder if she wishes I would? We really never talk and it would actually be nice to have some kind of genuine relationship.

It's funny, but I always "forget" I am in a multicultural family- it just never is too much of an issue.
post #22 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by milkybean View Post
So I think that in my case, MIL is stuck in the way it was when SHE left Korea. I don't think her siblings care if I call every day. I think they care that I help her when she needs help, that I care for my son in a very traditionally Korean way (nursing, carrying, wearing, family bed), and that I'm kind to them when they visit.

So I think with my MIL it's a combo of older Korean values that have gotten stuck in the individual known as MIL.
You said it, I totally think that many of the older generation (Korean or Chinese or whatever) who emigrate to another country sometimes are stuck in a time warp.

About 10 years ago my best friend (she's Korean) and I (I'm Chinese) took a trip to Seoul and we had such a blast. All of her cousins (and friends we made) were pretty amused at how conservative we were about many things. We on the other hand were really surprised and almost couldn't believe how cosmopolitan the younger generation was.
post #23 of 52
My Dh is Filipino and my ILs don't care for me either. They also don't like my caucasian SIL but they get along great with my Filipino SIL.

Part of it is a language barrier and part of it is their firmly held, and often spoken, belief that caucasians don't have strong family values. Seriously, they are the most racist people I have ever met. It's infuriating.
post #24 of 52
Interesting thread. How does one determine whether someone's experience is a result of individual personalities or cultural differences?
post #25 of 52
My MIL is Korean, and I'm white. I've been married to my KOrean dh for over 10 years. My MIL does NOT like me AT ALL. Neither does my Korean SIL (the only sibling of my dh, and she is older). I married an only son, and the youngest child of two. I had no idea what I was getting into at the time. Luckily I was in college at the time, and as soon as I started grad school, I delved into Korean American culture and intercultural marriages (reading, reasearch, ect.). This helped me get thru those first HARD 5 years. My MIL and SIL were horrible to me, in a manipulative, underhanded way. To my SHOCK, my dh didn't seem to notice. They treat him really well.

Unfortunately, as a result of my MIL and SIL's treatment of me during the first half of our marriage, they don't see us much now. We see MIL every 2 months or so (she lives a few hours away), if that, and we see SIL maybe once per year (she lives farther away). They are both upset about this, but they know they've made their bed with me and now they're lying in it.

About 5 years ago or so, I started standing up to them in a more direct manner. They didn't know how to handle this, and backed off somewhat. They didn't become "nice" or "loving", or treat me like "family", but they backed off somewhat. They don't like when I confront them, so they don't risk insulting me or criticizing me. But i know their dislike is still there, because whenever I let my guard down, it comes back. At that time, about 5 years ago, I stopped staying at their homes when we visit. So, I never stay at their homes -- they treat me worse for a longer period of time when I'm on their "turf".

Anyway.........my MIL came here when she was in her 40's. So, she's stuck in Korea Circa 1970's. She didn't return to Korea for a visit until FIL died here in the states. So she started going back to Korea for visits about 10 years ago. I'm sure she's surprised at how it's changed. I like when she visits Korea, because I hope she sees that things are not as traditional and conservative there as they were in 1976. I mean, culture is not static -- it is ever-changing. No matter what culture it is!
post #26 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freud View Post
Interesting thread. How does one determine whether someone's experience is a result of individual personalities or cultural differences?
I think it's always a combination of both. But, people do work within their own cultural systems, whatever their personalities are. I know for me, it's been helpful to talk to a lot of other women who are in intercultural marriages with Korean men (online -- i can't find many around where i live). I find that the common threads in our experiences tend to turn out to be "cultural" issues, and the differences tend to be due to "individual personalities".

Good question, by the way. I think there's a lot of research being done about it.
post #27 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freud View Post
Interesting thread. How does one determine whether someone's experience is a result of individual personalities or cultural differences?
Honestly I believe it's a combination of both. Cultural upbringing influences individual personalities and in turn the individual personality determines how the cultural differences are handled. Unfortunately some will just have the bunk luck of dealing with a terribly difficult individual person regardless of any cultural/ethnic differences.

When I starting dating DH (who is Polish/German/Irish) he told his grandparents (who were in their 90s) about me and they reacted so harshly when they found out I was Chinese that DH was stunned. They told DH that they absolutely would not approve of our relationship. DH was very upset and angry, because he had been telling me what wonderful people they were and then all of the sudden in his eyes they were secret racists. DH was very disappointed, but he resolved to defend and continue our relationship (one of the many reasons I fell in love with him ) and to tell them off.

I had to convince DH not to do anything and that I was not upset or offended by their reaction (which I believe was a result of cultural differences and their experiences) and that it didn't surprise me one bit. In fact I kind of expected it because I understood that it was their generation's cultural upbringing. I reassured DH that if they were truly wonderful people (a result of their individual personalities) that once they got to know me it would be fine. If not, then we'd figure out how to get over that hurdle.

It could've panned out differently had I been resentful and had a chip on my shoulder (which would be an individual personality issue) when I first met his grandparents. But instead I just pretended I had no idea how they felt and acted like myself when I first met them. The result was that they grew to love and adore me and I them and we enjoyed a very close relationship until they both passed away last year and I miss them still.

You have to think carefully before you write off something/someone as just being a difficult person no matter what. If they have relationships like that with many in the family, well you can pretty much figure it out. I have friends who had very difficult relationships with their IL's and what seemed like they were just dealing with an impossible personality. But later it turned out that it was really a result of cultural differences and the lack of truly understanding the cultural difference.

We might often think we're doing what we should and that we're accepting and understanding of someone else's culture. But maybe after some truly careful and honest reflection we find that we really could be doing more and that we're not really being as understanding because it's just so different from what we know.

Sometimes it doesn't take much to make a relationship turn around, it depends on how much you're both willing to give. I've seen relationships magically turn around when one decides to put themselves out there even when it went against their cultural grain of how things were/should be done.

But then again I've also seen it where there are those who try very hard to understand, give in and be the bigger person and it's gotten them nowhere.
post #28 of 52
Very thought provoking thread.

I believe that both culture and individual differences come into play.

My brother (Colombian descent) is married to a Chinese woman. I think she's the best thing that has ever happened to him. My mother has accepted her more than any other woman my brother has brought home.

My aunt is another story altogether. She basically told me that she disliked my dh because he does things the "America (translation =white way)" She's said it was going to be a shame that the my brother's child is going to have chinky eyes. I mean the racist crap goes on and on.

Sure there are definite cultural/individual differences that we all have to sort through but at the end of the day isn't there something to be said for just acting kind??
post #29 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by pokeyrin View Post
It could've panned out differently had I been resentful and had a chip on my shoulder (which would be an individual personality issue) when I first met his grandparents. But instead I just pretended I had no idea how they felt and acted like myself when I first met them. The result was that they grew to love and adore me and I them and we enjoyed a very close relationship until they both passed away last year and I miss them still.

You have to think carefully before you write off something/someone as just being a difficult person no matter what. If they have relationships like that with many in the family, well you can pretty much figure it out. I have friends who had very difficult relationships with their IL's and what seemed like they were just dealing with an impossible personality. But later it turned out that it was really a result of cultural differences and the lack of truly understanding the cultural difference.

We might often think we're doing what we should and that we're accepting and understanding of someone else's culture. But maybe after some truly careful and honest reflection we find that we really could be doing more and that we're not really being as understanding because it's just so different from what we know. .
I'm glad that in your case your husband's grandparents came to accept you and love you. As you said, they probably are great people. Just curious -- Were they ever rude to you in person in the beginning? Your husbands parents -- how did they accept you? Did they accept you right away, or did it take awhile? How did they react to the engagement?

As I said, for the first half of our marriage, my MIL and SIL were horrible to me. I came to them with an open mind and an open heart. I wanted us to have a great relationship. However, years of insults, criticism, obnoxiousness, and treating me like I'm stupid and have no class, WILL wear a person down. It wore me down, anyway. Actually, it was after I had my first child, and they started to be manipulative with my child and try to get to me thru him that I started fighting back. When my husband and I got married, I didn't come to them with a "chip on my shoulder". They came into the relationship with a chip on their shoulders, actually. I was looking forward to having another sister and another set of parents when I met them. I opened my heart to them.

They have hurt me so badly and deeply over the years, that I won't risk opening my heart to them now.

You mentioned that sometimes we think we think we understand and accept another person's culture but actually we're not doing enough to understand it. There is a difference between understanding/accepting, and acting like you're Korean. My in-laws want me to act like a Korean daughter-in-law would act -- and a traditional one at that. Anything short of that is not enough for them. I undertand and accept their culture, and I think it's beautiful. I try to celebrate it with my children (my husband isn't as interested as one might think he would be in teaching them about Korean culture and Korean American culture -- so I actually try to take on the role of teaching both cultures and appreciating both sides of themselves).

I'm a white daughter-in-law in a Korean family. I think it's hard to understand what that role is like unless you experience it. My MIL and SIL are difficult people on top of the cultural difference and cultural issues. So that ads another dimension. We haven't "written them off". As I said, we do see them. However, because of their treatment of me and their attitude toward me and the fact that they will, in the drop of a hat, try to rope my children into their games, we don't see them often. To me, they are lucky we see them at all. I also do encourage my husband to take the children to see them anytime, without me, and stay overnight. He has done this a couple of times, but rarely. I wish he would do it more, so the children could have more of a relationship with them.
post #30 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fay View Post
I'm white, and I adore my Asian ILs...they drive DH crazy, though. They did not want us to date at first, but eventually realized they were powerless in influencing DH's choice of wife. At our wedding, my FIL embraced me and said, "Welcome to our family." My ILs have been wonderfully kind to me...but I will say that I noticed their enthusiasm went up a notch after their grandsons were born. My ILs were honored when I took their last name after my marriage, and I make it a point to thank them for their many kindnesses. My MIL told me once with tears in her eyes that I am the best mother she's ever known.
I'm white, my husband is from a chinese/taiwanese family, born and raised in Kaohsiung, Taiwan. He is ALSO the oldest child, and only son. I think his parents had issues with me at first but they were in Taiwan and us in the USA and I dont speak chinese so DH was able to hide alot of their concern from me. They wondered if I was like american girls in the movies, just playing him to leave him later. But they must be modern thinkers, because they allowed themselves to get to know me and very quickly fell inlove with me. HIs whole family likes me alot.
HOWEVER its my white family that felt concerned that he was chinese. They did not accept him until recently. And some of them to this day refuse to meet him, or associate with me. They . . . have problems. So Dh after 2 years and a baby on the way hasnt met the majority of my siblings, nor my father, nor any extended family of mine.
SOOOO basicly my advice to you is cling to the loving parts of your familys. Dont pay much mind to those that refuse to love or like you. And make the best of it! :-)

OH!! And Just so that you know, one of the things that I did that made Dh's family start appreciating me, was I started to learn chinese and have made it #1 goal to learn it fluently. I speak to them on the phone often in their own language. I think that this will prove to them that you are willing to adjust for them.
post #31 of 52
Wow, this is a great thread. It has really made me think. I really have no idea, honestly, how many of my problems with MIL (Filipino, I'm white) are cultural and how many are because she is just an honest to gosh psycho, liar, b****.

The things she has done are way, WAY too many to list or even remember. Maybe we can start with her giving DH a Rolex watch (and also getting one for herself at the same time) as a wedding gift when we got married. That's it. No gift for both of us, no gift for me...just a Rolex watch for her son (and one for her).

Then there is the matter of money. She used to have money. But through bad business dealings and not listening to or trusting DH, she now is in a bad situation. She continually asks us for money, even when I have explained to her that we are also struggling, with a baby and having bought a house that we really couldn't afford when the market was high. I have begged her not to ask DH for money because we can't afford it, yet he can't seem to say no to her. She does it anyway. Then when I ask her for the money back, she calls DH and tells him, "What is wrong with Angela, how was she raised, how dare she ask me for the money!" Um, let's see, the way I was raised, no PARENT would ever borrow money from their child, period, especially if the child was struggling as well. She also hounded DH into adding her onto our cell phone plan, knowing full well she had no intention to pay her part of the bill. She borrows money from everyone. She has a severe gambling problem, which she has passed on to DH. She encourages his gambling and enables him, even when I have begged her to stop asking him to take her to the casino because he has a problem and we can't afford to lose money like this. She doesn't care. She is a very selfish woman. She never buys gifts for DS. He is her first and only grandchild, and she only has gotten him gifts for his birthday and Christmas, and it's usually just a crummy plastic MIC toy that I specifically say I don't want him to have, and usually something totally too young or otherwise inappropriate for him. but she always has money to go to the hair salon once a week and for her gambling.

She knows I hate Filipino food. She hosted a "baby shower" for me, to which she invited none of my friends. I don't have many friends here in Vegas but there are plenty in California she could have invitied, but she didn't. She just asked her own friends and served plenty of Filipino food. I think she thought it was funny. For my shower, she gave me a bottle warmer and a travel bottle warmer. Knowing I was planning to BF.

I think the worst thing I can't stand about her is her dishonesty and sneakiness. She has had a lot of business problems due to being sneaky and dishonest and actually lost her company (home care agency) and now is trying to set up companies in DH's and BIL's names. She didn't even ask them. I only found out because something came in BIL's name to my house saying he needed to pay payroll taxes on his corporation. BIL lives in NYC and has no idea about this. she later slipped that she has done the same in DH's name. Then I randomly get a property tax bill in DH's name for a property MIL owns in Michigan. She keeps doing stuff like this and I am scared this is all going to bite us big time one of these days. I ask her about this stuff but she just ignores me or brushes it off, and DH won't ask her about anything.

Wow, that was quite a vent...I think I got way off the purpose of this thread...but I feel better, I must say!
post #32 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by HybridVigor View Post

Specifically with Asians, this is because of the feminization of the Asian race. Stereotypes and lore give certain "races" certain characteristics, such as the hyper-masculinization of the black "race" or the feminization of the Asian "races."

This can be seen in terrible stereotypes about size of penis; Black men are attributed with large penises, and Asian men are attributed with small penises. All of this is ridiculous, but unfortunately these categorizations and generalizations exist.
Your first paragraph is probably why my white family has problems with chinese DH. 2nd paragraph is AWFUL! I remember a co-worker of mine asked me to tell her if DH (then boyfriend) REALLY had a small penis when we started dating. People are so awful.
post #33 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by angelachristin View Post
Wow, this is a great thread. It has really made me think. I really have no idea, honestly, how many of my problems with MIL (Filipino, I'm white) are cultural and how many are because she is just an honest to gosh psycho, liar, b****.

The things she has done are way, WAY too many to list or even remember. Maybe we can start with her giving DH a Rolex watch (and also getting one for herself at the same time) as a wedding gift when we got married. That's it. No gift for both of us, no gift for me...just a Rolex watch for her son (and one for her).

Then there is the matter of money. She used to have money. But through bad business dealings and not listening to or trusting DH, she now is in a bad situation. She continually asks us for money, even when I have explained to her that we are also struggling, with a baby and having bought a house that we really couldn't afford when the market was high. I have begged her not to ask DH for money because we can't afford it, yet he can't seem to say no to her. She does it anyway. Then when I ask her for the money back, she calls DH and tells him, "What is wrong with Angela, how was she raised, how dare she ask me for the money!" Um, let's see, the way I was raised, no PARENT would ever borrow money from their child, period, especially if the child was struggling as well. She also hounded DH into adding her onto our cell phone plan, knowing full well she had no intention to pay her part of the bill. She borrows money from everyone. She has a severe gambling problem, which she has passed on to DH. She encourages his gambling and enables him, even when I have begged her to stop asking him to take her to the casino because he has a problem and we can't afford to lose money like this. She doesn't care. She is a very selfish woman. She never buys gifts for DS. He is her first and only grandchild, and she only has gotten him gifts for his birthday and Christmas, and it's usually just a crummy plastic MIC toy that I specifically say I don't want him to have, and usually something totally too young or otherwise inappropriate for him. but she always has money to go to the hair salon once a week and for her gambling.

She knows I hate Filipino food. She hosted a "baby shower" for me, to which she invited none of my friends. I don't have many friends here in Vegas but there are plenty in California she could have invitied, but she didn't. She just asked her own friends and served plenty of Filipino food. I think she thought it was funny. For my shower, she gave me a bottle warmer and a travel bottle warmer. Knowing I was planning to BF.

I think the worst thing I can't stand about her is her dishonesty and sneakiness. She has had a lot of business problems due to being sneaky and dishonest and actually lost her company (home care agency) and now is trying to set up companies in DH's and BIL's names. She didn't even ask them. I only found out because something came in BIL's name to my house saying he needed to pay payroll taxes on his corporation. BIL lives in NYC and has no idea about this. she later slipped that she has done the same in DH's name. Then I randomly get a property tax bill in DH's name for a property MIL owns in Michigan. She keeps doing stuff like this and I am scared this is all going to bite us big time one of these days. I ask her about this stuff but she just ignores me or brushes it off, and DH won't ask her about anything.

Wow, that was quite a vent...I think I got way off the purpose of this thread...but I feel better, I must say!
WOW! That is all I can say. I would be SOOOOOOOOO . . . pissed off.
post #34 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freud View Post
Interesting thread. How does one determine whether someone's experience is a result of individual personalities or cultural differences?
I feel like the others do that it is a combination. However, I also think that sometimes ppl can hide behind cultural differences and that individual personalities make things much more difficult than just cultural issues. I used to think that my issues with my korean mil were cultural (btw, I am taiwanese american, so I am not totally clueless to east asian etiquette) and maybe a language barrier. Well, when my kmil finally got her coveted korean dil, I thought that I was done for. That mil would just favor my kdil. Turns out that my mil and sil get along like cats and dogs. Apparently, I have excused much of my mil's rotten behavior as cultural issues when her issues are more of an individual personality problem and I also believe that since sil and mil communicate in korean, there is no miscommunication of what mil says, she says what she means loud and clear and sil is totally aware of it and there is no misunderstanding. My sil (who is korean korean, only lived in the US for a couple yrs before marrying my bil) knows what is expected of her as a korean dil, she knows all the customs, foods, etiquette, culture, she did not come to the US until her late 20's. My sil told me that we (she and I) are extremely unlucky to get stuck with such a horrible korean mil and that none of her friends have korean mils as awful as ours (all of sil's friends are korean korean just like she is). She also told me not to judge all korean mils by my exp with our korean mil, b/c she thinks that our mil is just about as bad as they could possibly come and that her mom is nothing like our kmil. I'm really glad my sil told me her opinion. Here I was, blaming myself for thinking that mil and I were misunderstanding one another b/c of cultural/language issues and really it's not me, it's her!!!! That has been a huge relief to me and has helped me to get over some of my mil issues.

Oh and I wanted to say that I agree that many of these mils who immigrated to the US/canada are stuck in a time warp of what their native country was like when they left and are still stuck on the more old-fashioned, traditional cultural values/thinking of when they were there and they don't realize that things have changed, just as they do everywhere else.
post #35 of 52
angelachristin -- (((hugs to you))) . My GOSH. Your MIL would try the patience of a SAINT. And, I think you have been very patient with her. I think I would be thinkin', hmmm........it's time to set some LIMITS with this woman. I think you probably have more pull with your husband than you think. After all, what your MIL is doing is wrong, and she's taking resources out of the mouths of her own grandkids so she can gamble. So, just my 2 cents - you are entitled to set some limits with her. She is WAAAAAAY out of line. If you're wondering, maybe you could ask some other wives of Filipino men, or ask some Filipino women how they would handle it? You might find some ideas.
post #36 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnWind View Post
angelachristin -- (((hugs to you))) . My GOSH. Your MIL would try the patience of a SAINT. And, I think you have been very patient with her. I think I would be thinkin', hmmm........it's time to set some LIMITS with this woman. I think you probably have more pull with your husband than you think. After all, what your MIL is doing is wrong, and she's taking resources out of the mouths of her own grandkids so she can gamble. So, just my 2 cents - you are entitled to set some limits with her. She is WAAAAAAY out of line. If you're wondering, maybe you could ask some other wives of Filipino men, or ask some Filipino women how they would handle it? You might find some ideas.
Thanks AutumnWind. It is really tough. Like I said, I don't know how much is cultural and how much is that she's just a rotten, miserable person. When I ask DH why he persists in catering to her and helping her when we ourselves can't make ends meet, he tells me "it's my culture, you don't understand," so maybe that is a component of it that some Filipino woman or someone else married to a Filipino man could help with. He trys to lead me to believe that in his culture the sons are supposed to take care of their mom, no matter what.

The real killer part is that she was a rotten mom to them growing up. Just really cold and distant. She spanked, and once she said to me, I kid you not, "Once, when I was beating Anthony (that's DH)..." And she never did normal things like read them stories, she didn't do Christmas, just took them to the store around Christmas time and told them "pick out a toy." I don't know. I really just...hate her, honestly. It is so hard for me to be around her because I just despise her. We are planning to move back to California soon and it can't come quick enough. I really want my DS away from her. I don't want her malevolent influence in his life. I know she loves him in her own demented way and I would never hurt DH by saying she can't see him since we live in the same city as her, but we NEED to be gone. I just don't want her around him. I acutally have another thread about her behavior with him here:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=957120
post #37 of 52
Allow me to put my .02 and dissect which ones are cultural and which ones are just character...

Quote:
Originally Posted by angelachristin View Post
The things she has done are way, WAY too many to list or even remember. Maybe we can start with her giving DH a Rolex watch (and also getting one for herself at the same time) as a wedding gift when we got married. That's it. No gift for both of us, no gift for me...just a Rolex watch for her son (and one for her).
Filipinos, for the most part are generous. I'd say this was a character flaw. When DH and I got married, she gave DH a watch. She only gave me a watch because I charmed my way into her buying the matching pair for me. They weren't Rolexes though, but still...

Quote:
She continually asks us for money, even when I have explained to her that we are also struggling, with a baby and having bought a house that we really couldn't afford when the market was high. I have begged her not to ask DH for money because we can't afford it, yet he can't seem to say no to her. She does it anyway. Then when I ask her for the money back, she calls DH and tells him, "What is wrong with Angela, how was she raised, how dare she ask me for the money!" Um, let's see, the way I was raised, no PARENT would ever borrow money from their child, period, especially if the child was struggling as well.
This, I think is cultural. We are expected to take care of our parents. No questions asked. If my mom, for some reason, loses her financial independence, we (her children) will be expected to pitch in. Even if we are struggling, we will have to help. Same with siblings. If any of my siblings will need help, we are expected to help. And no, we don't "loan" our parents money either. We give. Same way with them. They don't "loan" us money. They give.


Quote:
She has a severe gambling problem, which she has passed on to DH. She encourages his gambling and enables him, even when I have begged her to stop asking him to take her to the casino because he has a problem and we can't afford to lose money like this. She doesn't care.
How I've seen this handled in our culture is if the person in question (this case your MIL) is addicted to a vice (gambling, alcohol, drugs) is we don't enable them by giving them money but we help provide for the basics (food, groceries, etc). We never give them money and we protect our own interests too because people who are addicted will lie, steal, cheat even from their own kin. So I'd really be concerned about her using your DH's name in her business dealings/properties.


Quote:
She is a very selfish woman. She never buys gifts for DS. He is her first and only grandchild, and she only has gotten him gifts for his birthday and Christmas, and it's usually just a crummy plastic MIC toy that I specifically say I don't want him to have, and usually something totally too young or otherwise inappropriate for him. but she always has money to go to the hair salon once a week and for her gambling.
Definitely not cultural. I'm not tooting my own horn but Filipinos are one of the most generous people that I've ever known. Much moreso with grandchildren. My mom visits us from the Philippines and when she's here my husband always says "it feels like Christmas!" because she always has something for everybody. My MIL on the other hand... hmmm....

Quote:
She knows I hate Filipino food. She hosted a "baby shower" for me, to which she invited none of my friends. I don't have many friends here in Vegas but there are plenty in California she could have invitied, but she didn't. She just asked her own friends and served plenty of Filipino food.
Definitely not cultural either. Filipinos are very well known for being hospitable and would go out of their way to make sure you are comfortable whether it's in regard to the food that you eat or the company.

Quote:
For my shower, she gave me a bottle warmer and a travel bottle warmer. Knowing I was planning to BF.
For the most part, we are not a bf-ing culture. BF-ing is only starting to gain ground in the past 2-3 years or so.


Anyway, hope you don't mind my .02.
I'm sorry you have such a crummy MIL. If she were mine, I don't know how I'd handle it. My DH would be in such a terrible position if that were the case.
post #38 of 52
[QUOTE=DoingDoing:Julie;12058101]I'm white, my husband is from a chinese/taiwanese family, born and raised in Kaohsiung, Taiwan. He is ALSO the oldest child, and only son. I think his parents had issues with me at first but they were in Taiwan and us in the USA and I dont speak chinese so DH was able to hide alot of their concern from me. They wondered if I was like american girls in the movies, just playing him to leave him later.



This cracked me up, about american girls playing Taiwanese guys. I lived in Kaohsiung, Taiwan for 2 years, and I remember quite a few Taiwanese boys who played me, or at least tried to!
post #39 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by grumpybear View Post


This, I think is cultural. We are expected to take care of our parents. No questions asked. If my mom, for some reason, loses her financial independence, we (her children) will be expected to pitch in. Even if we are struggling, we will have to help. Same with siblings. If any of my siblings will need help, we are expected to help. And no, we don't "loan" our parents money either. We give. Same way with them. They don't "loan" us money. They give.

Definitely not cultural. I'm not tooting my own horn but Filipinos are one of the most generous people that I've ever known. Much moreso with grandchildren. My mom visits us from the Philippines and when she's here my husband always says "it feels like Christmas!" because she always has something for everybody. My MIL on the other hand... hmmm....
This first part that I have in bold had me almost scream out laughing because the few times that she has given us money, she is blowing up DH's phone the VERY NEXT DAY asking him if he has her money yet. Um, let's see. If I borrowed money from you at 3 pm on Monday to pay my rent, do you really think I have it to pay you back at 8 am on Tuesday? If I did, why would I have needed to borrow it in the first place? Even if this is explained to her and she is told that we won't have the money until the next payday, she continues to harass DH multiple times per day, each and every day, until the money is paid back. Needless to say, it is my policy to NEVER, EVER borrow money from her again. I would rather be in the street or a homeless shelter than listen to that ever again.

The second part about the gifts, that is the experience I've seen with other Filipinos that we know, so I definitely believe you. Even her own brother was in town and said, "Wow, MIL must really spoil Jackson, huh?" I just didn't answer, wanting to be polite. I could count on 1 hand the gifts she has given him in his 21 months of life. The funny thing is, one time she went on a trip to Chicago with some of her classmates from nursing school in the Philippines and brought home an outfit as a gift for DS. I was puzzled, until she mentioned that she was out with her friends and all of them were shopping for their grandchildren. So this must have made her feel she had to get something for DS so she would feel part of the crowd--it never would have occurred to her had she not seen others doing so. Pathetic.

Anyway, thank you so much for your insight, grumpybear! It is DEFINITELY appreciated.
post #40 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by grumpybear View Post
Definitely not cultural. I'm not tooting my own horn but Filipinos are one of the most generous people that I've ever known. Much moreso with grandchildren. My mom visits us from the Philippines and when she's here my husband always says "it feels like Christmas!" because she always has something for everybody.

LOL, i think that every distant cousin or family friend that comes through our city brings a gift for my son. most of these people have never met him. Pasalubong! i love this tradition, i think its sweet.

angelachristin, your MIL sounds like a piece of work.
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