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what do you say to someone who wants a baby but doesnt want to give birth? - Page 2

post #21 of 73
I'd say "It's unfortunate to me that you feel that way. Being pregnant and giving birth was so re-affirming of life and my womanhood that I can't imagine ever feeling as you do about those processes." "On the other hand, maybe this is your clear message from God, fates, Goddess, whoever, that you're not meant to have children. There are only so many ways that children come into our lives, and you seem to be opposed to just about all of them."
post #22 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by contactmaya View Post
I did suggest adoption, but her partner (and herself) think adoption is too risky, because the child is so called 'damaged'....


Sorry, but when someone uses words like that, they usually just are not ready to be a parent.

So far, her best bet is to buy a pretty baby doll.
post #23 of 73
...silk plant and pet rock sound like the best option to me

Oh, my!

Pregnancy and childbirth are the EASY parts of having children, is what I would tell her. (Obviously they are not easy either...but that's the point!)

How "damaged" do you think her child may be when he/she finds out mommy wouldn't even carry and birth him/her? How nurturing! I'm sure nanny or day care comes next.
post #24 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by contactmaya View Post
I did suggest adoption, but her partner (and herself) think adoption is too risky, because the child is so called 'damaged'....
Then I would tell her to just get a puppy. People with attitudes like that don't really deserve to be parents, IMO.
post #25 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by diamond lil View Post
Then I would tell her to just get a puppy. People with attitudes like that don't really deserve to be parents, IMO.
Puppies are hard too--they poop and pee everywhere, chew tons of things, and require tons of attention. I'm not sure I'd even recommend that if the above options were too hard...
post #26 of 73
I would respond by laughing for a LONG time and then saying bye bye.

What does "damaged" mean? One of my relatives has serious fertility issues and cannot concieve. Her husband won't allow adoption because "If it isn't my blood i don't want it living in the house" - that GOD they can't have kids!
post #27 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by diamond lil View Post
Then I would tell her to just get a puppy. People with attitudes like that don't really deserve to be parents, IMO.
No dependent living thing should be left with her, IMO.

OP, I assume she has some redeeming qualities, since you're friends with her...right?
post #28 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by diamond lil View Post
Then I would tell her to just get a puppy. People with attitudes like that don't really deserve to be parents, IMO.
NO. Just a beany baby. I've seen too many beautiful dogs end up in shelters and euthanized, because superficial people thought they were "too difficult" to care for after the cute puppy stage.

Those same people wouldn't dare be caught dead adopting a shelter dog, because it's either a) "Damaged" or b) "Mutts are stupider than pure bred dogs." (yes, I've actually heard this. The guy who said it had to be a "mutt" bc he was as dumb as a rock).

I volunteer for a dog rescue. Can you tell?
post #29 of 73

vulnerable

If she thinks that being pregnant will make her feel vulnerable, wait until she has a kid!

I don't know if there is anything that you can tell her--it sounds like she isn't going to be realistic about it.
post #30 of 73
We had a "damaged" shelter dog for 8 years. He was just, wonderful. We had to have him euthanised at 13 (not bad for such a big dog, he was a pyranese mountain dog x retriever x some other things, not fat, weighed 170lbs). I still miss him, 3 years on. My lovely boy
post #31 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by frog View Post
Maybe she should adopt.
that's what my thought was, too.



post #32 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by barefootpoetry View Post
: Um, wow. That ticks me off even more than the original comment.

Maybe she should just be a nanny then.
Yeah, I just don't understand that kind of opinion about adoption. It's sad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post
How old is this person? Are her thoughts about having a baby long-term ones or is she making plans for the near future?

I have heard many, many pre-teens and teenagers express these ideas.
:

Maybe that explains it...sometimes people who haven't really thought about birth or adoption, or who have no or little experience with children, can make prejudgements that later they'll find even they don't agree with.
post #33 of 73
Yikes! PLease don't encourage her to be a nanny either!

Maybe she's just really young yet. My mom says when I was a teenager I said if I ever had a boy I would flush him down the toilet (I didn't have a really great relationship with my brothers when I was younger). I have two boys now and while some strange things have been flushed around here, boys haven't been one of them.
post #34 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
I would respond by laughing for a LONG time and then saying bye bye.

What does "damaged" mean? One of my relatives has serious fertility issues and cannot concieve. Her husband won't allow adoption because "If it isn't my blood i don't want it living in the house" - that GOD they can't have kids!
I've had a friend with a husband like this too.....that attitude just irks me.

I don't know....I've obviously never met this friend and I don't wish to be too hard on her.....I don't know what's in her past that makes her feel that way about birth, etc. I can understand the remarks about birth and pregnancy.....IMO shallow maybe, but again, her past might reveal why she feels that way. Her remarks about children of adoption though, are telling.....she sounds as though some serious therapy is needed. Surrogacy does not, IMO, souond like a good idea for her.....that's a lot of stress for a surro mama, your friend and her husband. It sounds like she wants a child without really caring for it. Really, the silk plant/pet rock does sound rather good.
post #35 of 73
Surrogacy is very expensive, and very intensive. I know a couple people going through it - or going through it soon - and there are a LOT of things to consider... finding a surrogate, getting a contract drawn up (which, of course, you have to pay a lawyer for), getting your cycles synced, and then of course the physical effects of IVF which are not a piece of cake either.

Honestly from her attitude I think she doesn't know much about the surrogacy process and that when she does find out what's involved she'll change her mind. But that's just IMO.

Some people have no desire to go through pregnancy and childbirth. I don't really understand it, as I think it's part of the package (or should be... some people sadly never get their chance).
post #36 of 73
All of the things that give her pause- pain, vulnerability, risk, less than perfect children- they are things you have to face as a parent. If she doesn't want to deal with these, she is going to have a terrible time as a parent.
post #37 of 73
I would ask her what her motivation for wanting a baby if she wants nothing to do with all of these things that are so intimately connected to being a mother.

I would suggest she go to therapy or counseling of some sort. Maybe she has some emotional issues she needs to work through.

Maybe she should just get a pet for now.
post #38 of 73
Hey, you guys, just ease up a little. You don't know this woman's history.

I know a woman who gets violently ill when she thinks of pregnancy and breastfeeding. The reason is a multi-year history of sexual abuse from childhood. She plans to eventually adopt but has already started going through significant counseling to get past the view that the kids available for adoption were "damaged" like her or how she would deal with a potential adoptive child who had been abused. It's been a really difficult road. Someday she will make a good mother to somebody.

We only have what the OP says here. It's not enough to decide this woman is shallow, horrible, a sad symptom of western society or what have you.
post #39 of 73
I guess I would advocate more empathy for this person as well- at least she's being honest about her feelings and her shortcomings. In our society, it's hard for a woman to say "This whole pregnancy and parenting thing may not be for me."

I would just tell her that it must be hard to have such conflicting feelings. I would also agree with her that it can be unnerving to be vulnerable in all the ways that pregnancy AND parenthood makes us. (It sounds like she's focused on the pregnancy part- she may need a gentle reminder that parenthood is a whole new set of challenges and vulnerabilities). Finally, I would remind her that becoming a parent is a permanent decision that she does not have to make right now, and that perhaps talking with a professional who can help her sort through all of the issues and feelings would be beneficial.

I dunno- maybe because my LO hasn't arrived yet?!?!? But I can sort-of understand where she's coming from. This whole process has been terrifying. (But I agree that the adoption comment is icky).
post #40 of 73
Doesn't sound like she is ready for a child yet. Maybe she just likes the idea, but doesn't really want a baby.
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