It's been maybe 6 years since I first heard about this "grandparents rights" stuff. I was really shocked that such a thing could possibly be seriously debated in court in the USA. It sounds like something from a conservative, feudal, uneducated society.
So, if I move to Pennsylvania, can I sue my children's grandparents to get them involved in their lives? Can I file a court order to get my mother to at least ask about my children and maybe make the one-hour drive to our home a few times a year to visit them? Why wouldn't grandchildren have rights too, if grandparents are so important?
But, maybe it's not about the possible importance of grandparents in a child's life. Maybe it's about viewing children as property.
I only ever knew one grandparent. She was very self-involved and had no interest in me or my sisters. I didn't think much of her. As I got older, I realized that Grandma was high-maintenance and sometimes nasty. It didn't bug me. I didn't see her very often. My own children have only one grandparent. She's just like my own Grandma -- playing favorites, saying hurtful things, never interacting with my children or even wanting to talk about them ever. My husband says that our son really just doesn't think much of her. Of course, the pain I feel is tremendous. And the anger, and the hurt on behalf of my children.
So, I look for other relationships to substitute -- friends to make our family bigger and safer and grounded. It's hard. People have their own lives and their own families. Good friends move away.
The media, friends, everywhere, I see and hear about Norman Rockwell grandparents -- taking the children fishing, baking cookies, having sleepovers. I feel pain that my children will never know this. I'm not jealous of those who will. I'm happy for them. I want all children to grow in joy and love. This makes the world my own dear wee ones inhabit a better place too.
Some of our children are truly better off without much if any contact with their grandparents. I don't understand this "grandparents rights" stuff. I try to imagine being the grandparent. I think I'd be crushed if my child didn't want me to see my grandchild. I'd be making ammends, seeking therapy, begging forgiveness, trying to find some kind of middle-ground or compromise. And why the focus on the grandchildren as if they are some kind of pawn? What about the adult relationships? This seems to be the root to me ... people who haven't healed their adult relationships have no ground to dictate "rights" to the adult-child's children.
I know there are others, sadly maybe many, for whom the phrase "grandparent rights" makes their heart race and their blood turn cold. I pray for peace and for us not to have to live in fear of these things. It's hard enough to shake off the past and the shadows and chains of painful childhoods. But when I look at my children -- especially in the warmth of the morning -- I feel hope and safety and love. We're all the authors of our own history.
