Best way to ask someone to be your child's guardian?

[laohaire]

I'm thinking if you ask a person face-to-face, they will feel the pressure to say "yes" right away. It seems to me a serious responsibility, and one that deserves some thought.

Despite its informality, I wonder if email (or a snail mail letter; either way) would be the best way? Then you can phrase it carefully to ensure the person doesn't feel obligated, and they have the time to think and give their response.

Some people you know they'll say yes, so it's not an issue. But in our case, the only obvious candidate is DH's sister. She is a warm and loving person, but I don't take our request for her to take on this responsibility lightly. Primarily, she sadly miscarried three years ago, and apparently cannot have children (though she would very much want to). Whether that would mean she would find guardianship for my DD a blessing or a burden, I don't know, and that's up to her. She also has health issues, and I know that would make it difficult for her. Anyway, I just want to make sure we ask her the right way, in a sensitive manner, and giving proper respect to the question. I know that naming her guardian isn't legally binding (i.e. she's not FORCED to be guardian even if we name her) and also we're obviously hoping this will never, ever, ever, ever be something that will have to be put into action, but I just want to settle that issue as much as possible.

[limabean]

I'm very interested to see the replies to this, as we're in a similar situation. My SIL has been struggling with infertility for a couple of years now and, like you, I wouldn't want to cause her pain or put her on the spot by bringing up such a huge issue face to face. I hope someone has answers for us!

[phathui5]

If she has health issues, is she the best candidate? I'm just asking because you said that could make it difficult for her.

[reece19]

I asked my parents, and my bff of 20 years. I prefaced the conversation by saying "I don't want you to answer right now, just to think about..." then laid it all out. I also told them after I asked that I hoped they would think about it for a couple of days and to let me know about any concerns they had.

It wasn't a difficult conversation...I'm sure they were all expecting to be asked, anyway

[audsma]

We're in the same position with my SIL and her health issues. She was the natural-- only choice in our families, but now with her rapidly deteriorating health, and not one but two children to take care of, we need to look outside of the family. She adores DD, but we don't know what she'll think of this next LO, and that's a difficult part of the equation.

I very much like the pp's suggestion of "you don't have to answer now" but making the conversation a face-to-face one.

[sharr610]

I think that people who have fertility issues all deal with them differently. Most of the people in my life have been able to separate theirs from the joy they have for their friends and other kids brought into this world.
We asked BIL and SIL over the phone(on other side of the country) and it was no biggie.
No matter how you do it, I think you should make it something special. Be clear in stating all the reasons you thought of them and how great you think they are. These are grown ups we are talking about. They should be able to think about it and really say no if they don't feel like its a good fit for them.

[katheek77]

I basically said (I don't remember word for word) over the phone:

"I do NOT want you to answer now, and I want you to take a few weeks to discuss it with Phil (our friend's husband), but, in the event that something were to happen to Ben and I, we were wondering if you would be willing to raise Katie."

I told them about the specifics of our life insurance, why we were asking them, etc., but also let them know that if they could not/did not want to do it, for whatever reason, we had backup plans, as well. That way they weren't backed into a corner, thinking they were the ONLY people and that our daughter would become Little Orphan Katie if they couldn't.

They called me with an answer within about 3 weeks or so. So, I don't think they felt rushed or anything like that. I would have let it go for two months before I asked them what their answer was.

ETA: Face to face wasn't an option because of distance issues, AND the fact that Phil was deployed at the time (15 mos tour, so, we also didn't want to wait forever, either).

[shannonnc78]

Originally Posted by reece19

I asked my parents, and my bff of 20 years. I prefaced the conversation by saying "I don't want you to answer right now, just to think about..." then laid it all out. I also told them after I asked that I hoped they would think about it for a couple of days and to let me know about any concerns they had.

It wasn't a difficult conversation.

That's what I did. I asked my bff alone. Just she and I, neither of our DH's. It just seemed like less pressure that way. I told her to talk it over with her DH and that if she said 'no' that we would understand and there would be no hard feelings.

[nummies]

Just be mindful of her fertility issues when asking. As someone who struggles with infertility and had to do IVF to have a child, I understand what she is going through. Just be sensitive and give her lots of time to think about it.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by nummies

Just be mindful of her fertility issues when asking. As someone who struggles with infertility and had to do IVF to have a child, I understand what she is going through. Just be sensitive and give her lots of time to think about it.

I definitely want to be sensitive to that.

What would be a good way to approach it from that standpoint? I mean, what exactly would you say?

[grniys]

My husband and I felt face-to-face was the best way. We were up home visiting family and there was a party thrown for us. We let potential guardian know we wanted to talk alone with her & her husband later, and she said ok. Once the party was mostly over we went in a back room and my husband and I said something alone the lines of "We don't expect an immediate answer, and we don't want you to feel obligated, but if something were to happen to us, would you be willing to take ds?"

They were pretty stunned but very honored and immediatly said yes. But we let it be known up front that we wanted them to feel free to take plenty of time to think about it and such. I do think in important matters being face-to-face is important.

The wife in this situation struggled with fertility issues for years, but was able to have a baby through IVF a few weeks prior to us asking.