How do I see past this?

[nummies]

I have posted my story of intense regret here before but I will post it again for background for this question.

-----Before we had DS, I didn't research it at all. DH is circ'd and we just agreed to do it. At the time, I thought it was "just what you did". After the birth, I was having second thoughts. I just had this feeling at the pit of my belly telling me "don't do it." My mama instincts were trying to tell me something and I didn't listen. So they did it and I felt awful. Crying hyserically about it day after day. DH thought it was just having some baby blues. Then I found Mothering. Started reading about it and what happened to him. I found the circ video and threw up. DH and I talked about it and I told him I was never doing that to another child. He said "ok" and we left it at that. DH started doing his own research and we found the site about how circing hurts women (mostly related to sexual issues). And DH came to me crying. Saying how could we have done this...etc. After much research, DH decided to restore his foreskin. He has been doing that for around 6 months now. It is a long road but he is gaining a lot. We plan to tell DS how sorry we are. How we shouldn't have made that choice for him. How daddy is different because he has been restored. We will teach him about restoration and he can make the choice for himself."

So that is my story. But my question is: how do I see past it when others don't see circ-ing as a regret? My very dear online friend (I have known her for 3 years, since we were TTC) said that she did all the research, has seen all the information, and STILL doesn't regret circing her son and would do it again. She said that she KNOWS that it is cosmetic surgery and STILL thinks it was a good choice. I just can't get past it. I have a hard time communicating with her now. And it makes me sad. Because before this, we got along perfectly (very AP in every other manner, super sweet mama). This is just such a source of deep regret for me. It keeps me up at night and I am literally depressed over this. How do I look past her "choice" and keep our friendship together??? Because I still love her and value our friendship. Any help would be great.

[LavenderMae]

First off I am so deeply sorry for the pain your are going through. Mama to mama I know the pain of regret where it concerns your child/ren (for me it's not circ though), I don't know if anything hurts worse. Be gentle with yourself and try to forgive yourself.


Honestly I couldn't stay friends with her. Harming your child when you know better is just unexcusable. I would lose all respect for her.

[nummies]

Originally Posted by LavenderMae

First off I am so deeply sorry for the pain your are going through. Mama to mama I know the pain of regret where it concerns your child/ren (for me it's not circ though), I don't know if anything hurts worse. Be gentle with yourself and try to forgive yourself.


Honestly I couldn't stay friends with her. Harming your child when you know better is just unexcusable. I would lose all respect for her.

Thank you so much for your kind words of understanding. That means a lot to me. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself. I honestly think that sometimes I just don't deserve to have my son because of what I did to him.

And thanks for your thoughts on my friend. I am so hoping that I can look past it somehow, but I know it will be hard.

[Fellow Traveler]

Originally Posted by nummies

I have posted my story of intense regret here before but I will post it again for background for this question.

-----Before we had DS, I didn't research it at all. DH is circ'd and we just agreed to do it. At the time, I thought it was "just what you did". After the birth, I was having second thoughts. I just had this feeling at the pit of my belly telling me "don't do it." My mama instincts were trying to tell me something and I didn't listen. So they did it and I felt awful. Crying hyserically about it day after day. DH thought it was just having some baby blues. Then I found Mothering. Started reading about it and what happened to him. I found the circ video and threw up. DH and I talked about it and I told him I was never doing that to another child. He said "ok" and we left it at that. DH started doing his own research and we found the site about how circing hurts women (mostly related to sexual issues). And DH came to me crying. Saying how could we have done this...etc. After much research, DH decided to restore his foreskin. He has been doing that for around 6 months now. It is a long road but he is gaining a lot. We plan to tell DS how sorry we are. How we shouldn't have made that choice for him. How daddy is different because he has been restored. We will teach him about restoration and he can make the choice for himself."

So that is my story. But my question is: how do I see past it when others don't see circ-ing as a regret? My very dear online friend (I have known her for 3 years, since we were TTC) said that she did all the research, has seen all the information, and STILL doesn't regret circing her son and would do it again. She said that she KNOWS that it is cosmetic surgery and STILL thinks it was a good choice. : I just can't get past it. I have a hard time communicating with her now. And it makes me sad. Because before this, I LOVED her (very AP in every other manner, super sweet mama). This is just such a source of deep regret for me. It keeps me up at night and I am literally depressed over this. How do I look past her "choice" and keep our friendship together??? Any help would be great.

I think the problem is that it is hard to see the problems of circumcision considering how it has been entrenched in our culture as it has. This is why people like your friend think as they do but it is a stickier issue whether or not to remain friends with them. The way I see it, if you cut them off you drop any change of eventually getting through to them. I don't mean you should badger them daily but maintaining your friendship and hints or discussions here and there could eventually lead her to understand why circumcision is the problem it is. That can't happen if you stop talking to her.

[paphia]

Maybe she really, honestly sees it as cosmetic surgery. To her there are "side effects" associated with it like all cosmetic surgeries, but in the end the benefits of the procedure, even if they are cosmetic, are worth whatever pain and other drawbacks come with it. To her, her son's penis is "normal" and that is incredibly important to a lot of people.

To you, it seems more like you equate circumcision with genital mutilation (and I don't blame you). I would cry hysterically if someone took my baby away and mutilated his genitals. I cry when I read about it being done to other people's babies. I want to cry when I look at my dh and think about what happened to him. It's terrible.

And you have the right to call it for what it is, and not be friends with people who refuse to regard it as such.

[nummies]

Originally Posted by jwhispers

I think the problem is that it is hard to see the problems of circumcision considering how it has been entrenched in our culture as it has. This is why people like your friend think as they do but it is a stickier issue whether or not to remain friends with them. The way I see it, if you cut them off you drop any change of eventually getting through to them. I don't mean you should badger them daily but maintaining your friendship and hints or discussions here and there could eventually lead her to understand why circumcision is the problem it is. That can't happen if you stop talking to her.

This is a very true point. I can only hope that my feelings of regret somehow encourage her to take a closer look at her feelings.

Originally Posted by paphia

Maybe she really, honestly sees it as cosmetic surgery. To her there are "side effects" associated with it like all cosmetic surgeries, but in the end the benefits of the procedure, even if they are cosmetic, are worth whatever pain and other drawbacks come with it. To her, her son's penis is "normal" and that is incredibly important to a lot of people.

To you, it seems more like you equate circumcision with genital mutilation (and I don't blame you). I would cry hysterically if someone took my baby away and mutilated his genitals. I cry when I read about it being done to other people's babies. I want to cry when I look at my dh and think about what happened to him. It's terrible.

And you have the right to call it for what it is, and not be friends with people who refuse to regard it as such.

That is exactly it. I see it as mutilation and it is hard for me to look past it.

[liliaceae]

I imagine it's very difficult for a parent who has already circ'd their son to admit that what they did was wrong. Her insistence that she would do it again could simply be the result of her not wanting to acknowledge that she allowed her child to be harmed.

I have such admiration and respect for all of you mamas who chose to circ, but now see the error of your ways and freely admit that you made a mistake. I'm positive that many circumcisions are prevented when expecting parents see these tales of regret. Thank you for sharing your story.

[MCKH]

The way I see it - at one point you also felt it was no big deal (before your son was born.) Had my firstborn been a boy, she likely would have been circumcised too. So, at some point, a lot of us thought it was "okay" too. Who are we to get indignant just because we know better now?

It may just take her longer to come around.

I have friends who support things and causes I find to be vile and abhorrent. I try to change hearts and minds by example, prayer and thoughtful discussion rather than just cutting these people off.

[nummies]

Originally Posted by liliaceae

I imagine it's very difficult for a parent who has already circ'd their son to admit that what they did was wrong. Her insistence that she would do it again could simply be the result of her not wanting to acknowledge that she allowed her child to be harmed.

I have such admiration and respect for all of you mamas who chose to circ, but now see the error of your ways and freely admit that you made a mistake. I'm positive that many circumcisions are prevented when expecting parents see these tales of regret. Thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you for your post. I appreciate your kind words.

Originally Posted by MCKH

The way I see it - at one point you also felt it was no big deal (before your son was born.) Had my firstborn been a boy, she likely would have been circumcised too. So, at some point, a lot of us thought it was "okay" too. Who are we to get indignant just because we know better now?

It may just take her longer to come around.

I have friends who support things and causes I find to be vile and abhorrent. I try to change hearts and minds by example, prayer and thoughtful discussion rather than just cutting these people off.

I am realy not trying to be indignant at all. And yes, at one point I thought circing was "okay". But the difference is, that I didn't know the things that I know now. I thought it was "ok" before any true research. She has seen the research and still thinks it is "okay". I still don't think that I am any better than her. I just see things differently. And I don't plan on cutting her off at all. I was just looking for tips on how I could deal with our differences. I really liked your last sentence. Lead by example and thoughtful discussion.

[AnalogWife]

TBH, I left it up to DH and had he not said 'no' I would have blindly circ'd, and would have a *very* difficult time facing the detriments and trauma that I caused. I think you should forgive yourself.

I'm 110% sure that my IRL friends would circ if they had boys, and I'm pretty sure my nephews are as well (they're 16 and 12 and I don't recall fully if they were, but 99% of me believes that they are.) I have a v. difficult time grasping WHY my friends didn't BF or at least pump after they quit at 9 days, so I understand your angst over how to handle this friendship when such core values (health and well-being of our children! putting them first!) are violated. I do agree there's not enough light cast upon the whole circ matter in our culture, and I think that's probably why your friend feels a-ok with it...because it's so prevalent and sometimes we can't go against the grain at every turn (I myself primarily use a stroller over babywearing b/c I'm terrified of falling and hitting ds's head.....again. for example.) I don't have a lot of advice, just wanted to let you know that I think I feel some of what you're feeling, and that yes, you should forgive yourself. s: