Parents in classroom to ease separation anxiety?

[Anandamama]

I've heard a number of parents voice that they want to be able to be in a Montessori classroom with their child in order to help "ease the transition", at least at first. Most Montessori teachers I know have a pretty strict, "leave your child at the door" policy.

The teachers feel that having a parent in the classroom is confusing and ambiguous for the child and makes for prolonged, painful goodbyes. It can also be disturbing for other children, who may just be getting used to the class, and trigger them to miss their parents. Some teachers also feel that if parents linger, it sends a signal to the child that the parent doesn't completely trust the school environment.

On the parents' side, their child may be leaving the family environment for the first time ever. It's natural to want to ease or buffer the transition with the presence of a parent. And it's difficult to say goodbye to a crying child (even if you know he'll probably be fine in a few minutes).

What do you think? Does the presence of a parent, say for the first 20-30 minutes of class, for the first several weeks - does that make it easier or harder for a child to make the transition? (And I'm thinking of children age 1.5 - 3yr, going to school for the first time.) What is the policy in your class, and do you think it makes sense?

[MattBronsil]

Originally Posted by Anandamama

What do you think? Does the presence of a parent, say for the first 20-30 minutes of class, for the first several weeks - does that make it easier or harder for a child to make the transition? (And I'm thinking of children age 1.5 - 3yr, going to school for the first time.) What is the policy in your class, and do you think it makes sense?

I might get shouted at for saying this, but I think it makes it harder. I'll discuss 1.5-3 specifically, but many of the same ideas apply to 3-6 as well.

What really happens with that is the child begins to think, "This is a place I go with my mom and dad." The structure is set up that mom and/or dad will bring them in every time. There's no way to stop that without changing the structure. Children at this age live on structure - when things are done differently and they have no control over it, it is very difficult. So the stressful situation is initially going to a new place. Once they're comfortable with that place, it's a bad idea to introduce another stressful situation - namely that mom and dad aren't coming any more and they'll drop you off. There is also the stress every day of when the half hour is up and mom decides it is time to leave. Then there's the unspoken anxiousness of "when is mom going to leave?" that continues the whole time mom is there and just builds up into one big explosion.

So instead of a few days of stress for a few minutes in the beginning of the day, the stress is added into a long anxious period followed by a big break down when mom leaves. Then it draws out into a problem when mom finally just drops him off because the routine is changed.

If you want to ease a toddler's transition, the best way is through consistency. Staying and leaving part of the day is not consistent and staying the whole day is simply not Montessori.

Although, if you really want to tackle the problem, you'll have to face the reality. Parents aren't doing this as a need to help their children ease into the situation as much as they are helping themselves let go and let the child become independent. It's the goal of Montessori, but one of the hardest things for a parent. So be delicate in how you address the problem because that's a bigger issue for most parents that want to come in and help the child adjust. You have to be sensitive, but clear on how it's making it harder and you have to have good policies in place that detail what the rules are for this.

My 2 cents.

[Rose-Roget]

Geez, leaving ds the first time anywhere has been about the hardest thing I do. It's true, though, that it's harder on us (the parents) than the children. IMHO, eventually, the child will be going to the class alone, so I really do think that it's best to make a quick and clean break - given that the teachers are there to support and re-direct him in a loving way. I know that he will be fine within a few minutes, even if he cries at first. Like Matt said, this way there won't be 2 stressful situations. Also, by doing this, learns the routine right away, and his attention in totally on the tasks, rather than on me. Our Montessori (and previous school) invite parents to call any time for updates. The Montessori also states that parents are welcome anytime, although I don't think I will take them up on that because it changes the dynamic - he's there to learn, and his interaction with me is different from his interactions with others in his learning environment. Best of luck!

[daytripper75]

I think that if I felt nervous about leaving my child at a school or if my child felt nervous about me leaving -I would make plans to stay in the lobby or in my car in the lot for a period of time to make myself available quickly if need be.

I think that the schools have it right with the "no parents in the classroom" rule. I have seen a group of eager 3.5-4 year olds melt down into a group of children who are only eager to rejoin their own parents because of the presence of another adult in the room.

Letting a child go to school alone is a big milestone.

[wrzos]

I agree with no parents in the classroom for transition period for many of the reasons stated. I like how our school did it. They have an open house on the Sunday before the new kids start (and they aren't 1.5 but rather 2.5 yo). The teacher is there, and mom & dad take the child to see the classroom and "meet" the teacher. It is advertised as strictly a meet-n-greet. The child is allowed to look around, but NOT TOUCH any of the materials. It is a very brief, 15 minute walk thru and say hello type thing. Meant to whet the child's appetite for the next day when they get to return and begin to touch materials (after appropriate lessons, etc, but we don't get into all that).

For actual drop-off, they take the child from the car to the classroom. IME, my son was SO excited to get to return to that magical classroom with all the things he saw but couldn't touch the day before, that he jumped from the car to leave me. They are fine with parents returning to view thru the 2-way glass, but ask that you 'hide' your car in case your child sees it from the window.

They also start the brand new students a week prior to the returning, and have abbreviated days (shorter than the 3 hour work cycle). This is to allow the teacher time to give plenty of lessons/presentations so that the child will have a variety of materials they can work with, as well as to allow the smaller child time to work up to the full classroom. At the end of the first week, each new child is given an official start day. The following week, all the returning students arrive and only 1 or 2 of the new younger children start each day over the next week to 2 weeks. Again, this is to allow the teacher to have enough time to address each new student and get the classroom flow going.

This is not to say that some children don't still have a difficult time transitioning. I've seen plenty of reluctant children pried from the car in the morning, but it is the exception rather than the rule, and personally we didn't experience it. The only times I've had issues getting my son to go was when he already wasn't feeling well, or something had happened at school to upset him (argument with a friend, etc.)

I have also seen how my absence from his classroom has helped my son 'own' his experience. He knows that HE is the expert at school, not me. They have mother/father nights where the parents are visitors and the child shows the parent around. He is so proud that night to tell me how everything should be done, and show me the materials he is working with. Even this summer, when we returned to the vegetable gardens for our week of watering/weeding, HE was the expert. He knew where the outdoor faucet and hose were kept, he knew where to put the pulled weeds (compost pile), etc. He really enjoys being the in charge person as it relates to his school.

[Lillianna]

Even though my dd cried when I said I was leaving, she eventually was able to skip off to class. I had to follow what we also recommend: keep the goodbyes short and sweet. Children at this age are in a sensitive period for order. If the routine is established for the parent to come in with the child, it becomes disturbing to the child to change the order. From my experience, the children who have the most success with this transition are those with parents who keep to the procedure, demonstrate support for the teachers and keep the goodbyes short and sweet.
I do think that the having the parent come in to the class sends a double message to the child. Like, if they are here now, why don't they just stay?
It is definitely disruptive to the other children.
I had this discussion with my sister, who was walking in with her ds. First of all, it would be totally chaotic if everyone did that, just too many people. Secondly, your child sees you doing something differently than everyone else, in a way, sending the message that the rules don't apply to you. I have seen children who don't seem to think any of the rules apply to them either (just so happens they are the ones with parents walking them in).
Our policy is similar to wrzos', we have an open house with parents and children coming in together for a short visit, then the children come for an hour and this gradually progresses up to the full work cycle.
Of course, some children need an extended phase in (as a matter of fact, some of the veteran directresses report that the phase in used to be a full month). We are able to give children extra time with the phase in if they need it. I have learned how to help parents/child with separation anxiety by offering: early morning drop off where they come in before anyone else (5-10 min early), after class meetings (sometimes it just takes a couple more visits with mom or dad til the child feels comfortable) and also offering a support family (matching new family with returning family). I do not pry children out of the car, those who are not ready are given time and space to come out when they are ready. Usually, they start to move as soon as I get out of the way. Some children are extremely sensitive to adults who are trying too hard to get them to do something, kwim?

[Koloe]

Originally Posted by wrzos

They also start the brand new students a week prior to the returning, and have abbreviated days (shorter than the 3 hour work cycle). This is to allow the teacher time to give plenty of lessons/presentations so that the child will have a variety of materials they can work with, as well as to allow the smaller child time to work up to the full classroom. At the end of the first week, each new child is given an official start day. The following week, all the returning students arrive and only 1 or 2 of the new younger children start each day over the next week to 2 weeks. Again, this is to allow the teacher to have enough time to address each new student and get the classroom flow going.

While I don't think this is necessarily a bad idea. It would be a major PITA for someone like me who already has transportation concerns (getting the child from M. pre-school to daycare) because I work during the day and the other parent is unreliable. But then, my child has been in full day day care since she was 5 months old and I don't expect any major issues with separation anxiety from her.

[Anandamama]

Thanks for your input, everyone! You've confirmed my sense about this. I do want to be sensitive to the needs of the parents as well as those of the children. I've mainly worked in primary classrooms, (where teachers made quite a bit of behind-the-scenes speculation about whose attachment anxiety was really more of an issue - parent or child! -but the line there is blurred when it comes to the emotional life of parents and children, I think.) Because I'm starting a toddler program in my home, and most of the children have never been cared for outside of the family, and are much closer to the baby stage, I've considered letting moms accompany their toddlers for a little while in the morning, but I think I'll go with just letting them visit the classroom with their child for a little bit after school is over, along with being in close communication about what goes on during school time.

[honeybee]

Well, I guess I'll be the lone voice of dissent. Quite frankly, if our Montessori school had a "closed door" policy, I doubt I ever would've taken ds there. Every kid is different, and different kids need different tactics. I went to school with ds1 for the first day, and told him I'd leave when he wanted me to. He was fine with me leaving after "lunch" (which is the first activity in his afternoon class). He did have a tough time the first week or so, with me staying in the classroom for a few minutes and then leaving right as they walked to lunch. Part of the reason I was able to leave him was because I'd seen first-hand how the teacher handled distraught kids, and I knew she was very loving and comforting, and did not use any shaming tactics. Gradually, he was okay with me leaving when I did, and by the end of the year, I was even able to drop him off to play on the playground by himself (while I watched from the car with his sleeping brother) until the bell rang, when he would happily take himself into the classroom.

Before I had seen that for myself, I would not necessarily have trusted that ds would be in good hands while dealing with the separation, and I would have stayed until he was more comfortable. My son has not had a lot of separation issues. He has always stayed happily with grandma or our neighbor, or other people he knows. But school is filled with strangers he doesn't know. I just can't imagine dropping a 3 year old (or younger!) off at a strange place with someone he's met maybe once before, and just saying "tough luck, you're on your own. Deal with it." Yes, the teachers may be very empathetic and helpful... but they're also dealing with 19 other kids in a similar situation.

I've read too many things about "forcing" independence on young children -especially boys- to be comfortable with it. The book Real Boys especially made an impact on me. It deals with the Kindergarten separation issue specifically... and that's talking about 5 yo.

I have no doubt that it's easier for the teachers to not have the parents there. And it may be best for some kids to have the quick goodbye. But I don't think that would have been best for my son in the long run. Just because kids adapt (after all, cio babies eventually learn to be quiet and are "just fine") doesn't mean it doesn't affect them.

[BCFD]

I have really loved reading this thread. I can see both sides, but my motherly instinct has to agree with Honeybee.

When my DD started in Montessori school she was 3 years 3 months old. Just prior to turning 3 (she was about 2 years 11 months) we had enrolled her into a play based "school" (I hate to even call it that because there is no teaching what-so-ever going on in that room) where an assistant teacher tried to silence her crying for mommy by physically hurting her (she only spent a few hours there, we never went back, and that assistant has long since been fired). She is now 3 years 8 months and still talks about "that mean woman that I don't want to see".

I started my search for a different preschool and when deciding on Montessori, it was extremely important to me that the school and guides understand my DD's sensitive nature. She can be very outgoing, but tends to be painfully shy in new situations. Even when getting to know the other children she tends to be more cautious. That's just her personality and as her mom (and especially after that experience) there was no way I was going to drop her at the curb the first day and say "Be back later sweetie. Don't cry." She is my first born child and it took a lot of pain and anguish through infertility and finally adoption to bring her into my life. There is no way I could have *NOT* stayed. She is my heart.

The first day, DP and I took her and we stayed through circle time where she hid in a corner. Her teacher was so great about just leaving her alone. I actually tried pushing her to participate and the teacher shook her head at me and said, "She's ok. Let her be." She was so great to include her even though she wouldn't participate. Then it was job time and we stayed for the first hour of the 90 minute work cycle and then moved out into the lobby, spoke with other teachers, spoke with the owner, talked to each other about how we thought her first day was going, etc. We never left the lobby. When noon rolled around and she had finished her lunch, we walked back into the room to get her (she had no idea we stayed) and she was extremely happy and was overjoyed with her new school and experience. The next day, I took her alone, stayed for about 30 minutes, stayed in the lobby for another 30 minutes with my ear glued to the door, and when I was sure she was ok, I left. To this day, I take her in, and linger in her classroom for about 5 minutes (sometimes longer) and then for about 10 minutes around the school - talking to other parents, visiting other classrooms, perusing the Montessori magazines in the lobby, talking to the chef and other students, peeking in on the infants in the infant room (so cute and I have a really good friend with a child in there), talking to the owner and her husband, etc. Maybe I'm being a pain, but I want to know what goes on around the school and a simple walk in, drop off, and leave wouldn't cut it for me.

On the flip side, I don't think a parent should go in every day for a month and spend 4 hours with their child in the classroom. But I do think the first few days is fine until the child becomes used to everybody. To this day if my DD asks "Are you going to stay?" (which happens once or twice a month when she is UBER sensitive) I reply, "I will stay for as long as you need me." Of course, that's only about 5 minutes and she's completely engaged with her friends, blows me a kiss, and sends me off with a wave. :

p.s. I wanted to include this picture of her. This is what she did on the first day of the play based school she went to. When we toured her current Montessori school, she found a little corner and did the SAME thing. Only this time, the teacher (who will be her teacher in the new school year) gently went over and "talked her down". It was amazing how my DD responded to this teacher and I am thrilled that she will be in her class in a few short weeks! There was no way I was going to leave her like this. No way.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3237/...80cdd65b_b.jpg

[Anandamama]

Hmm... I do relate to the concerns of honeybee and BCFD. I'm not terribly dogmatic about most things - especially regarding toddlers! My program is very small and intimate. In our home with only 6 children, myself and an assistant. I know some of the children and families quite well already. The children all spend time in the classroom at least twice before class officially starts, getting to know the space, getting to know me, and playing with my daughter, who is in the class and is 1.5. The parents are there at that time, also. I expect that most of the children will be very happy and comfortable in our Toddler House. However, if any child seems anxious and uncomfortable, I'll work with the parents to find whatever solution fits.

I remember from my years as a primary teacher how most children positively bloomed in that environment, but occasionally there would be a child who seemed uncomfortable in the class. There was one girl in particular who came when she was 4, and she seemed faily happy, but she hardly ever spoke a word in our class for the entire year. But I saw her in the aftercare program chattering away and seeming so much more uninhibited - it made me wonder if the classroom was too structured for her.

I also saw many, many times how children would scream, cry, beg, whine and behave generally negatively when their parents were in the vicinity, but then turn into happy little Montessori community members when their parents weren't around. I just marked it down to how the emotional connection with the parents was so loaded with attachment and intensity in a way that the relationship with the classroom and the teachers were not. That was before I had a child.

[BCFD]

I can see that. I watch a little girl a few times a week during the fall/winter months and she is seriously a perfect little angel when she's at my house. Her and my DD are 10 days apart and they have been best friends since they were 3 months old. Really, she's such an easy going kid to watch. However, the second....I mean the NANOsecond her mom walks in the door she turns into the whiniest, most unhappy child ever. I just watched a brother and sister for my SIL's co-worker for a couple days and they were good kids. The minute mom came to get them, the little boy (he's 3) was actually HITTING the mom! Crazy how some kids do that.

[faithfulmama]

Interesting that I found this thread, I have really been worrying about this. My ds is about to start Montessori preschool. He's just about 4 and this will be his first time outside our home. He is a pretty "high needs" little guy, although he is used to and happy to spend time with certain family members and friends without me, and even a few overnights here and there. He is very slow to warm up. But when he does he generally does fine with other kids. This can take some time though. The thought of just leaving him at the door scares me a bit, and I'm pretty sure that this is the policy of this school. In part because I've never done it, and I don't know with certainty that he would calm down. I really feel that he is ready for this, if we can get past the adjustment period, and that it will be really good for him. I just worry because he can be extremely intense. I could imagine yelling, crying, thrashing, possibly throwing things or even hitting if he was really freaking out. These behaviors aren't happening very frequently at home anymore, but they do occasionally, and the thought of him feeling that anxiety as well as someone else having to deal with it scares me. However I'm not sure that if I stayed with him to help transition he ever would "let" me go. So I guess I'm trying to prepare myself to nudge him out of the nest, I'm just not sure they are ready for him, you know? And is there any level of upset that will warrant them calling me? I can deal with the thought of a short period of being upset, and then a longer period of being tentative. I just don't want him upset all day long. I'm hoping that they will let me drop him and come sneak in and watch through the 2 way mirror. Is the transition for some children as rough as I can imagine?

[3girlmom]

I don't think being comfortable with leaving your children means you care for them with any less intensity than the parents who have trouble separating. I think it's dangerous to suggest that some children are so precious or so much more attached to their parents that they can't be expected to conform to drop-off procedures. Our school now does a drop-off line where the kids leave the car, and it's great. At our old school, when the parents walked the kids in, I think more children had trouble separating. The phase-in schedule is very gentle, and I respect the school, the teachers, and the other children and their parents too much to interfere unless they tell me there's a problem.

My oldest took a dance class a few years ago where the policy was no parents allowed. Well, one mother pitched a fit and insisted that she be allowed to stay because her daughter couldn't handle the separation. The other children in the class became increasingly upset with their parents each week, wondering why we didn't stay when this other mother did. I think if you make the choice to send your child to school, you follow the transition procedure until asked to do otherwise. It's not about the school taking over your child, it's about supporting the community and the transition of all the children there.

[odenata]

I generally agree with the no parents in the classroom policy. It's too disruptive to the other children, and I agree that short goodbyes are usually best.

With both my dd's Montessori's schools, she had a chance to go be in the classroom and meet her teacher before school started, so it wasn't a foreign environment. There was a one-way observation mirror so that parents could observe. Also, if a parent had concerns, they could wait outside and the teacher would let them know in 15 minutes how their child was doing and decide what to do. For me, that was more than enough. Also, the goodbyes were much harder on me than on her.

[Lillianna]

Originally Posted by 3girlmom

I don't think being comfortable with leaving your children means you care for them with any less intensity than the parents who have trouble separating.

It's not about the school taking over your child, it's about supporting the community and the transition of all the children there.

These are two important points.

In 10+ years, I've seen many degrees of separation difficulty. The most successful are with parents who are calm and confident. The child picks up even the slightest bit of anxiety on the part of the parent. While some children may need a longer separation/phase-in schedule, others (like Koloe) need an abrieviated one.

I think if you are having any concerns whatsoever, the best thing you can do is call the Directress and express your thoughts before the first day of school. That way you can plan a strategy and be on the same page.

[Shaki]

Hi, this is my first time posting in this forum!

My DD starts Montessori this fall. She'll be almost 3 and in the toddler program. When we went for our interview the teacher (who is great) told me that they do allow parents to stay to ease the transition. She seemed completely comfortable with parents staying, infact she was the one who brought it up. She even told a story about a child who took 4 months to adjust and then one day said to his mommy "you can go now," and that was that. She explained that if I were to stay in the classroom, she'd want me to sit quietly of to the side and let DD explore etc on her own. That sounded good to me and it's what I plan to do--if DD needs me there. If she doesn't, great, but If she does I'll be there.

[MattBronsil]

I have to look through my books and see where the story is of Maria Montessori's first day in the Casa classroom. This thread is reminding me of that story.

I'll post it when I find it.

[3girlmom]

I would hope that is true for all parents - that if our child needs us, we will be there.

At our first Montessori school, when our LO was in the toddler program, parents were supposed to come and bring something to read for the first day. Then, a few days later, they were supposed to leave for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, or step outside, etc., And so it progressed. The teacher called each parent individually to let them know each day when she felt they could take the next step. My LO was (is) extremely independent. I was told on the third day to walk her in and then leave. I did. I left, and spent the next 2 hours outside the school on the phone with my mother, at a total loss as to what to do without my beloved child! These transitions are so hard on the parents. It is important to understand that it may not be so hard on the children, and that we all love our children an impossible amount. What we should do when we drop them off at school should be in the best interests of the developing child, not in the interest of proving a point about loving them more than other parents or about them being more special or sensitive than the other children that are there (and I say this as someone who firmly believes in the specialness of my children).

[KBecks]

My son can handle being in a classroom without me. He goes to gym childcare and grandmas and has no problems with me leaving.

My problem is that *I* want to see what goes on in class. I want to see how he's treated and what the environment is like, etc. etc. I think it's about 2 months before visits are welcomed, although I can push on that. Our school wants them to have a transition period without distraction.

I mostly trust that, although I'm afraid they're going to be harsh with him. I have little grounds for that worry though, I just want my son treated well and have some trust issues. I hope I love his teacher when I meet her at the new families picnic next week.