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NEW: at & over 40 with little ones Tribe UPDATED - Page 14

post #261 of 407
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
Just wondering. Where does everyone see themselves as their last child "finally" grows up?
Considering I'll have a couple years before social security kicks in (though only a couple), I may still be working. Or maybe I'll take early retirement and spend my days gardening, quilting, and writing music.

Then again, that consideration is based on the youngest turning 18 when I'm 63, so we'll still have university to get through and possibly even grad school. I know there are big debates/differences of opinion about parents paying for college and especially for grad school, but my parents helped me all the way through (not the whole cost, but at least some support at all times) and I can't imagine not doing the same for my kids.

We won't wait until then to travel. Dh's business takes him on international trips every 2-3 years; I've gone whenever I can and we take dd. It will be a little more complicated with two, but I think we can manage. And we do a lot of traveling in the states to visit family; be nice to start camping on some of the road trips.
post #262 of 407
Hi everyone! allgirls, congratulations on becoming a grandma! Such a special relationship!

I like the question where do we see ourselves when our kids grow up. Are we talking 18? I'll be in my late 50's/early 60's, and hoping that my child/children start having babies at a young age!! Otherwise, no idea at all! I've really done all the things I want to do, with the exception of viewing a total solar eclipse and spending several weeks or months in Mexico. I'd like to do those things with my daughter, though.

I love coming here for perspective!

p.s. clara's mom, where are you? I'm in SLO county, one of the places that considers itself the central coast of CA!
post #263 of 407
I alway picture "grown up" as "on their own" and at least semi-self supportive, usually 18-24. I figure I will be 60 or so when my youngest is grown up, that is, unless I have more!

I might like to travel a bit when I get there. Although I would just as soon take the children with me as we travel (in different rooms, of course!).

I want to go to Ireland and Australia.

Then, I want to own a house in the mountains and one on the ocean front somewhere, maybe Maine (with big glass windows facing the water). That is where my grandchildren can come and play with me.
post #264 of 407
I'd like to join in ... I'm presently 42 with 3 girls ... 9, 4y11mo, and 10 days.

I've been on bed rest, recovering from a traumatic birth, but today, I decided to explore MDC a little, and I found this thread. I don't know many moms my age, and it's complicated by the fact that I am in a mid-life crux - not knowing where we're going from here, wanting to travel, maybe wanting another baby, thinking about a new direction of my own after owning a resale shop for 6 years. But for now, I have to be content to "sit" and "exist" - because my health depends on it. And that is extremely hard for me, as I'm a serious workaholic. (ask anyone in the Dec DDC ... I was crazy busy til 40 weeks pregnant)

Where will I be when my youngest is grown? I hope that I'm as healthy and full-of-life as my mother, who is 20 years older than me. She went to medical school when she turned 40, and she's in the prime of her life now. I can envision her still having the energy to deal with kids & college - but other women in their 60s? Not so full of life. I do worry sometimes that I waited too long to be a mom, but I think I'm a better mom because of it.

Well, it's bed-time for mama, so I'll just end this now.
--janis
post #265 of 407
Thread Starter 


allgirls

jrabbit

Glad you found our thread...sometimes it gets buried a little and one of us needs to give it a gentle , but it keeps on going.
post #266 of 407
Quote:
Originally Posted by hrsmom View Post
p.s. clara's mom, where are you? I'm in SLO county, one of the places that considers itself the central coast of CA!
Santa Barbara. I sometimes think about saying "South Coast"....since that narrows things down considerably.

I'm having a hard time getting motivated today. If I want to find parking near my office, I need to leave within the next 2.5 minutes (more or less ), but really, I'd just like to stay home, watch the inauguration, and have a day to do exactly as I wish. Dh will be out of town this Saturday through next Thursday, so I'm sort of dreading that. Dd and I will be fine--but there will be no respite.
post #267 of 407
I really do not feel old at all. But I was wondering, What is the hardest thing about being "older" and having babies?

Is it the lack of energy?
The lack of physical flexibility?
The idea of being "old enough to be a grandma"?
The worry of becoming incompacitated or dying before you children are old enough to remember you or take care of themselves?
Or is just knowing you are giving up your "ripe old age" to chase after children, a time when others are retiring, and you are adding more responsibility?
post #268 of 407
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I really do not feel old at all. But I was wondering, What is the hardest thing about being "older" and having babies?

Is it the lack of energy?
The lack of physical flexibility?
The idea of being "old enough to be a grandma"?
The worry of becoming incompacitated or dying before you children are old enough to remember you or take care of themselves?
Or is just knowing you are giving up your "ripe old age" to chase after children, a time when others are retiring, and you are adding more responsibility?
No lack of energy or physical flexibility because of daily meditation and exercise. I don't know...I kind of feel proud to be an older mama. When I was pregnant at 40 I would always say, 'Yeah, I'm pregnant AND I'm 40!" Same thing at 43, although didn't get to be pregnant too long . When we TTC in March : I hope I'll be saying the same thing with even more emphasis on the "44" part. And who knows what will happen to anyone in the future, I try not to worry too much about that. I'll be eligible for retirement at 56 being a teacher and DH owns a company so he can do what he wants about retiring. What I'd like to do in about 12 yrs (mid 50's) is travel North America in an RV with our DC while unschooling. That's the ultimate for me. I know that there's a few lucky mamas on MDC that do this now and I'm so envious.
post #269 of 407
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I really do not feel old at all. But I was wondering, What is the hardest thing about being "older" and having babies?

Is it the lack of energy?
The lack of physical flexibility?
The idea of being "old enough to be a grandma"?
The worry of becoming incompacitated or dying before you children are old enough to remember you or take care of themselves?
Or is just knowing you are giving up your "ripe old age" to chase after children, a time when others are retiring, and you are adding more responsibility?
I don't feel any older "in my head", but I really feel physically older. For me it's definitely a worry that I'm not as energetic as I felt in my 20's and 30's. I was disappointed in how my body reacted to being pregnant at 40 and wonder if maybe that is the reason fewer women have babies at our age and it was something I was in denial about? I really don't want to think that I'm too "old" to have more babies.
post #270 of 407
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I really do not feel old at all. But I was wondering, What is the hardest thing about being "older" and having babies?

Is it the lack of energy?
The lack of physical flexibility?
The idea of being "old enough to be a grandma"?
The worry of becoming incompacitated or dying before you children are old enough to remember you or take care of themselves?
Or is just knowing you are giving up your "ripe old age" to chase after children, a time when others are retiring, and you are adding more responsibility?
but....but...but....It's NOT harder, at least not so far! I'm the one with the 16 year age gap between my two youngest. I never wanted to be an "older mom" because most of my friends were at least ten years older than me and they just didn't seem up to the physical challenges of playing with they're children or the intellectual challenge of remembering their own childhoods well enough to see things from their kids' points of view.

The first problem is a fitness issue, not an age issue. i parked my car and rode my bike during my pregnancy and also took a dance class for fun. i don't work out, but i do appreciate the fact that my body needs exercise and try to work that exercise into my daily life. i'm also reaping the benefits of my "weird" vegetarian/whole foods diet, living with a dd who is a dance major and has completed the coursework to become a personal trainer, and some of it is just plain dumb luck, but my body works fine, probably better than it did in the days when i worried about whether or not it was a fashionable shape and weight. i wear ds several hours a day in a woven wrap, walk acrioss town twice a week, carry my own groceries home from the store, and greatly look forward to "rassling" with my little boy!

My second trepidation also doesn't seem like it will come to pass. i think i remember my own childhood just fine, but many incidents and issues have been seen friom the role of parent as well as child. i have had time to process experiences and put them in perspective, i.e., i not only remember what it was like to be a naughty little girl who misbehaved during martini hour and gave her father headaches, i also know what it's like to be an adult child of alcoholics in such a heavy state of denial that i'd rather blame myself than deal with reality.

i know how fast childhood goes and how deep childhood wounds can cut so i'm more inclined not to worry about the dirty house and disapproving strangers when my kids need me. i know that the bad times won't last, but neither will the good times. i know i'll never sing on stage again or change the world, but that i will get more pleasure out of sitting in a beam of sunlight or eating an apricot or looking at my baby smile than my 23 year old self could have imagined.

Sure, my parents and certain acquaintances probably wish they could force me to trade my purple patchwork for a navy blue polyester pantsuit and my salt and pepper pigtails for a little old lady poodle-doo in Miss Clairol #1678950780 but ther years haven't made me any less me and tghe criticisms have lost their sting as I look at their source and thank the heavens that I don't have to live the lonely lives those people have chosen for themselves.

I'm okay with being "old enough to be a grandma" and love reassuring people who mistake me for ds's gramma that it is an honest mistake, I am not offended, and that there is nothing to apologize for. I hope he does have a neice or nephew to play with when he gets a bit older.

I'm thrilled to find "children my own age" who have kids ds's age, buyt I also find that I enjoy the company of parents in their 20s and 30s almost as much as they enjoy me. I'm still open to learning from them so I do and it feels so good when they learn from my mistakes and avoid making mistakes of their own.

I can't get over how much easier the year of infancy is without all the undermining and disrespect that younger parents have to deal with. When dd was born, a friend knocked on my door, walked in with a television set in her arms, and started rearranging my bedroom furniture to fibnd an electrical outlet. When i told her that I didn't watch TV, she said, "You do now. Your favourite show is Oprah."

When ds was born and a friend asked if she could throw me a baby shower, I said I already made all the clothes he needed and I was very picky about toys. She replied that i was a wonderful, creative, and dedicated mom, told me to sleep well, and said she was looking forward to seeing ds when I was ready to go back to my office job.

I don't really think I parent ds that differently from the way i wanted to parent dd and ds1 and I don't really think that 23 is a "young mom", but it has been so much easier this time around that I want to laugh and then i want to go do some sort of volunteer work to help teen moms.

I was a SAHM with my older kids; I WOH and volunteer with ds in the wrap. I was married to my older kids' father; I am a single mami by choice with ds2. I am in a much lower income tax bracket now. It's still easier.

One concern you raised that is real and does make me wistful is my own mortality. It's a selfish worry, because I do know that people die at all stages of life and I'm sure that dd or ds1 would make a far better substitute parent than my mother would have if i had died in my 30s. The thing is that I want to live to see my children grow up and my definition of "grown up" has changed. I wanted to live to see dd at 23, and I'm pretty sure I will. I want to live to see ds2 at 45, which I may since I have had relatives survive into their 90s.

I'm sure he'll be an amazing man whether I live to see it or not.

Apologies for typos; I need to get off the computer now.
post #271 of 407
I am 42, and I think I'm actually healthier and more active now than ever before. I battled severe depression for 2 years, right about 40yo. At that time, I came really close to giving up a few times, but we worked through it (obviously). One thing that kept me optimistic at the worst of it was the dream of having another baby. I talked about it quite a lot with my psychiatrist, who encouraged me to focus on that as a goal. Well, when I was finally feeling better at the beginning of last year, I sort of mis-counted the dates one month ... and here we are. Anyway, my point is that this was absolutely the best pregnancy I could have ever imagined. (Toward the end, I began imagining doing it again, it was so great!) Pregnancy photos: http://philhyde.smugmug.com/gallery/...42795395_CCsZU

I was all upbeat about this email ... until I looked at my pregnancy photos. I had an emergency c-s, which has left me severely depressed. I lost something huge. I hadn't been able to look at my pregnancy photos, and I guess I wasn't really ready to look at them today ... this is me "this week" watching my older daughters chasing butterflies: http://philhyde.smugmug.com/gallery/...57270638_wWrJ5

I don't know how long it will take to regain my sense of well-being, but I am optimistic. I was in such a good place a few weeks ago. I have to get back there somehow. I look at my daughters, and they remind me of who I am and what is important. I've been writing about my experience, trying to get to a point where I can accept it. lostmother.blogspot.com

But, back to my original point. Here I am at 42 - I don't feel too old for my life. Some days, I can really see the age difference between myself and my peers, but it's usually blurry. I'm very energetic and active. I see women 10 years younger than me who are not nearly as healthy as I am. I think I owe it somewhat to good genes, but more to a healthy lifestyle. And I'm even contemplating having another baby!

Zoe might be waking up now ... I guess that's enough self-analysis for today.

--janis
post #272 of 407
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I really do not feel old at all. But I was wondering, What is the hardest thing about being "older" and having babies?

Is it the lack of energy?
The lack of physical flexibility?
The idea of being "old enough to be a grandma"?
The worry of becoming incompacitated or dying before you children are old enough to remember you or take care of themselves?
Or is just knowing you are giving up your "ripe old age" to chase after children, a time when others are retiring, and you are adding more responsibility?
Sometimes I'm sad about lost time--meaning....wanting to have all the time in the world with my kids; watching them grow into adults; enjoying that. But you know? I didn't meet someone I was willing to share my life with and have kids with until my late thirties. And I wouldn't change that for anything (even on the days when dh annoys the crap out of me ), so there you are. Life happens.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jrabbit View Post
I am 42, and I think I'm actually healthier and more active now than ever before. I battled severe depression for 2 years, right about 40yo. At that time, I came really close to giving up a few times, but we worked through it (obviously). One thing that kept me optimistic at the worst of it was the dream of having another baby. I talked about it quite a lot with my psychiatrist, who encouraged me to focus on that as a goal. Well, when I was finally feeling better at the beginning of last year, I sort of mis-counted the dates one month ... and here we are. Anyway, my point is that this was absolutely the best pregnancy I could have ever imagined. (Toward the end, I began imagining doing it again, it was so great!) Pregnancy photos: http://philhyde.smugmug.com/gallery/...42795395_CCsZU

I was all upbeat about this email ... until I looked at my pregnancy photos. I had an emergency c-s, which has left me severely depressed. I lost something huge. I hadn't been able to look at my pregnancy photos, and I guess I wasn't really ready to look at them today ... this is me "this week" watching my older daughters chasing butterflies: http://philhyde.smugmug.com/gallery/...57270638_wWrJ5

I don't know how long it will take to regain my sense of well-being, but I am optimistic. I was in such a good place a few weeks ago. I have to get back there somehow. I look at my daughters, and they remind me of who I am and what is important. I've been writing about my experience, trying to get to a point where I can accept it. lostmother.blogspot.com

--janis
Janis...:

I've been there (recovering emotionally from a c/s). It gets better. Just let yourself grieve. And if it--the depression--seems to move from the natural process of grief into something different, then you know what to do--it sounds as if you've a good psychiatrist to work with.

I've dealt with depression off and on for years. One thing that's always stuck in my mind is my doctor telling me that people who suffer from clinical depression can be more succeptible to the kinds of lows that come from everyday stress. And an emergency c/s is far from everyday stress.
post #273 of 407
Quote:
I really do not feel old at all. But I was wondering, What is the hardest thing about being "older" and having babies?

Is it the lack of energy?
The lack of physical flexibility?
The idea of being "old enough to be a grandma"?
The worry of becoming incompacitated or dying before you children are old enough to remember you or take care of themselves?
Or is just knowing you are giving up your "ripe old age" to chase after children, a time when others are retiring, and you are adding more responsibility?
Without a doubt, for me my biggest concern is "The worry of becoming incompacitated or dying before you children are old enough to remember you or take care of themselves? "
post #274 of 407
Hello everyone. I found this thread by following noordinaryspider (hi spider!). I wanted to tell her about my dd's birth just over a week ago!

Anyhow, I'm juneau, age 45, and I just had my second child. I was never pregnant at all in my 30s, despite trying desperately for about five years, but my 40s have been fecund, if also filled with loss (five pregnancies, three losses).

Clara'smom, our children have a very similar age gap and you and I are also about the same age. Dd1 is still nursing, and so far, has been very respectful of my limits in tandem nursing. She's actually very helpful when I'm engorged.

My second dd was born January 12, and she is perfect in every way. I'm loving snuggling with her, and nursing is going really well. She's teeny tiny (6 lb, 13, oz at birth), which is how I like 'em. Like Janis, I'm also recovering from a C-section, although mine wasn't traumatic emotionally. Just hard physically, since I was feeling so great at the end of my pregnancy and now I have to struggle to move around.

I feel trapped in the house because of cold : and ice and snow. I am afraid of falling outside and also not very keen to subject dd2 to the temps. So we are hunkered down inside until spring, I guess. Or at least until my next dr's appointment.

No warming trend in sight, and I can measure the icicles hanging from my roof in feet, not inches. This is one time when I do envy you southern Californians!

As far as what's hard about being an older mom? For me, none of the things suggested. The only thing that's hard for me is my neighbors and friends who are the same age as I am have kids in high school and college. There's just not that much I have in common with them.
post #275 of 407
Welcome Juneau! Congratulations on your baby
post #276 of 407
Quote:
Originally Posted by juneau View Post
Clara'smom, our children have a very similar age gap and you and I are also about the same age. Dd1 is still nursing, and so far, has been very respectful of my limits in tandem nursing. She's actually very helpful when I'm engorged.
I think dd will be okay with it--it occurred to me one day that she's going to love the surge in milk supply, because no matter what she says, I can't imagine she's getting much milk. She's just turned 4 and right now seems dedicated to pushing all of our buttons all the time--testing those limits, right on schedule!--but is also showing sure signs of empathy and budding cooperation. She's a good kid....

Quote:
As far as what's hard about being an older mom? For me, none of the things suggested. The only thing that's hard for me is my neighbors and friends who are the same age as I am have kids in high school and college. There's just not that much I have in common with them.
I forgot about this one. But yes, I definitely experience it. Fortunately, we usually manage to find other things to talk about.
post #277 of 407
Juneau, congratulations! I was actually "stalking" you on the TTC forum so i knew that dd2 had been born, but i've kind of lost my "cool, thoughtful internet friend" status now that ds is a busy busy toddler so i haven't read your birth story yet.

I'm so thrilled for you! 45 is looming on the horizon for me and i still don't have ppaf back yet.

i haven't really made a decision about whether to ttc again yet even though i sometimes think i have.

i hear you about the friends with older kids thing; the 16 year age gap makes things so crazy for me. Some of the "toddler parents" i mentored when they first started homeschooling have become my mentors at 21st century parenting and other people who i thought would be significant have moved on to the new adventures of mothering their preteens and i just don't have anything in common with them any more.

I think i've made some good friends on my mdc ddc, but since some of them are closer to dd's age than my own, i need to be careful not to come off like a know-it-all busybody.

I was insulted, ridiculed, and unanimously "voted off the island" by one group of mainstream parents with children ds2's age. good riddance.

Clara'smom i tandemed my older kids and was pretty much dried up at the end too. iirc dd loved the milk surge and it really helped her to have positive associations with her brother. it was overwhelming at times, but so, so worth it.
post #278 of 407
Quote:
Originally Posted by noordinaryspider View Post
i need to be careful not to come off like a know-it-all busybody.

there's a flamefest thread on my mainstream ddc where i was unanimously "voted off the island" and asked not to post any more. good riddance.
my goodness, that sounds childish!

I also have issues with feeling like I'm in a different generation than most similar-stage moms It makes me contemplate my life. Each different stage, I've been slightly older than my peers, getting progressively older along the way: I was an exchange student after high school, so I went to a Finnish high school with kids 1-4 years younger than me, then started college one year after "normal", then spent 2 years traveling around the world, so I started grad school 5 years after "normal", then became involved in animal-welfare, a good 5+ years older than most everyone else (or 20 years younger), then got married at 31, and so on ... now, I've got a newborn, and I don't know anyone my age anymore. I owned a children's resale shop for 6 years, and most of the customers were 10-20 years younger than me, and my employees were, too. To further complicate things, I don't look my age! (not complaining) nor, do I act my age, I guess!

My mother went to medical school when she was 40, so I was influenced by a woman who was ambitious and wouldn't listen to her peers. I remember how frustrated she was when well-meaning people told her that it wouldn't be difficult getting into med school until she was over 35. Not a whole lot different than people who whine to me about being too old to have babies ... and they are 10 years younger than me ...

I am not sure what my point is anymore. My oldest DD is throwing a temper tantrum because I won't stop what I'm doing to help her do something. Middle DD is mocking her. DH is irritated. DD3 is nursing. No brain function is left!

There is talk of a local group of "over-40" AP moms getting together. I can't decide if I think that segregating myself from younger moms is a good thing. Their motivation was that they wanted to be with women who may be in the same peri-menopausal category. But do I want to admit that menopause is my next stage?

--janis
post #279 of 407
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I really do not feel old at all. But I was wondering, What is the hardest thing about being "older" and having babies?

Is it the lack of energy?
The lack of physical flexibility?
The idea of being "old enough to be a grandma"?
The worry of becoming incompacitated or dying before you children are old enough to remember you or take care of themselves?
Or is just knowing you are giving up your "ripe old age" to chase after children, a time when others are retiring, and you are adding more responsibility?
nak

I was going to post a similiar question I don't feel older on the inside--in fact most of my mom friends are 10 years younger than I...this has to do with parenting choices & class/$$ differences, I've found. Most of the moms my age, in my area at least, seem to have more $$, be more settled & more conventoinal than I am (present company excepted, of course ). I do find the physical energy thing hard -- yes when I take care of myself my energy improves, but there was a major difference between my pregnancy & post-partum with DS1 @ 34-5 & my pregnancy & post-partum with DS2 @ 38-9. THose 5 years really seemed to make a difference.

But really the hardest thing for me is knowing that the clock is ticking on any future children I might wish to have - I think if I had the time, $$, space & energy I'd have at least 4 more more kids. (and this after being up from 1:00AM on with 2 different fussy kids. And a baby who will not sleep today unless being walked in the sling. Mamas, my poor body is TIRED today!)
post #280 of 407
Yea, I've got the $$$/classism issues big time. I was a SAHM/homeschooler with my big kids and just barely getting my "career" as as home health care worker started (it's still going, just fewer clients and ds comes to work with me) so I know that I will always be poor, probably have a stint of homelessness/nomadism in my future and the vast majority of my 40+ online friendships would flop dismally if i ever tried to take them offline so I just enjoy them for what they are and appreciate in a "That's so sweet of you" way any irrelevant advice on career, grad school, retirement planning, home ownership etc.

i like the way the internet can break down class barriers.

Having Terran and selling my "grandfather's good solid blue chip stocks" to keep him out of day care as long as i can marked my complete departure from the superficial suburban upbringing of my childhood. I donated my "middle class" costumes to the thrift store and started wearing things I LIKE and even sewing a bit. I'm a full time barefooter now and I'm even back to wearing my hair in twin braids.

There are lots of women my age who look like me where I live (Humboldt County, CA) but my parents would be HORRIFIED and probably try to have me commited to an insane asylum.

I don't care. I'm tired of wearing a mask all the time.

I also refuse to pretend to be ashamed of what I jhave done with my adult life so far. I worked my tail off homeschooling these kids under extremely adverse conditions. I'm darned proud of dd and still have hope for ds1.

Why am i supposed to be ashamed of not abandoning them to chase after a stupid paycheck anyway?
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