Angry and yelling!

[mysonshine]

I don't know where to put this so move if necessary.

I realized today that when DH makes me mad/upset,hurt, I can't tell him that and yell if I feel like it. But I *can* yell at the boys when I'm frustrated - either at them or DH upsets me and I take it out on them.

Why do I do this?
I think I'm afraid of getting into a fight. I know I need to stand up to things but just can't. Things just seem so fragile (for lack of a better word right now) lately. We're both so stressed over things, mainly finances.

Please be gentle mamas. I need help. I've never been able to really express my feelings to DH.

But I realized today what I've been doing and I don't like it. I don't want to always be a yelling frustrated mommy. :

What can I do?

[mammal_mama]

Mama,

Have you ever tried sending your husband emails when you feel you have difficult things to express to him? I've found that this is much easier for my dh to process.

It also helps me, because I can totally get out whatever I want to say before he starts reacting. And he actually takes it all in, whereas sometimes when it's verbal, he misunderstands what I was getting ready to say, before I even had a chance to say it.

Plus, with small children, it's an interruption-free way for us to communicate, which bypasses some of the frustration that tends to flare up when we're talking about difficult things and our little ones keep getting into the middle of it.

[mysonshine]

That could be a good idea. But he doesn't have access at work. So when he checks e-mail, he usually sitting right next to me (on the laptop)
I've tried writing letters but they don't work either.

[aihcalappa]

I do this sometimes. In fact, I did it today. I know at least in my case, I don't feel safe talking to my DH about my feelings sometimes, because I don't want a huuuuge argument, and he seems to love to argue. He gets to be a jerk, say a bunch of mean things, and then he feels better, and I feel worse. Sorry to hijack...
I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[mysonshine]

Thanks! Glad I'm not alone.

[MtBikeLover]

You are defnitely not alone! I have a hard time asking my H not to say mean things and sticking up for myself. I know that when I do, it will just make him angry and then I get ignored for days as my punishment.

I highly recommend individual therapy! I started therapy about 5 months ago and I've just now been able to start changing. Just the other day, I stuck up for myself when he told me my butt was bigger than his. I asked him not to say things like that and he actually had the nerve to get angry. Even though he ignored me for 2 days, boy did it feel great to stand up for myself!!!!

[EnviroBecca]

You're not alone. I'm sometimes afraid to tell my partner how I really feel, even though he is a gentle, smallish, fairly even-tempered man and a good listener who takes my feelings seriously--I'm just very nervous, and sometimes I get afraid he'll be offended that I am criticizing and it will cause a big problem between us.

The best technique I've found is to tell him that we need to talk and wait for a time when we won't be interrupted, then hold his hands and force myself to make eye contact and start by TELLING HIM I'M AFRAID before I even bring up the real issue. That makes him aware that I'm feeling delicate and need him to listen for a while rather than jumping to defend himself. It also keeps him from misinterpreting my anxiety as meaning that the problem is really dreadful.

You might want to have a talk just about this issue (leaving the finances and other conflicts you need to talk through for later) and ask him to help you think of a way you can discuss problems calmly, instead of yelling at the kids. Maybe you can schedule a weekly meeting. My partner and I did that early in our living together (we kept it up for a year or two) and it was even more helpful than I expected! It was amazing how knowing the time when he would listen to my problem kept me from feeling angry and impatient about it!

Here are some of my musings on fear and anger.