Need Perspective on Grandparents....

[notaperfectmom]

I am just looking for some perspective on something that is really bothering me..and I know it shouldn't be.

Here is our family situation - my husband's parents are divorced and his father is re-married with 2 college aged kids. He also has his Mom who is not remarried, and a sister who is about our age. My parents live in another country, as do my siblings. Now this is where it starts to get complicated.....

His sister lives close - only about an hour away. And although his parents are both about the same distance form us (several hours by car, or a short plan ride) his dad is still working full time while his mom, who is on disability for medical reasons has ample time at her disposal. My family live far, and plane tickets are pretty expensive (think about a thousand dollars per person)...and they don't have a lot of money.

So this means...our son sees my mother in law, and sister in law a LOT more than any other family members. He has seen my family about once, and his grandfather and family I think twice in his first 15 months.

I realize that even one doting grandparents is wonderful. I realize we are lucky. I know that my mother in law loves him very much. I just have a REALLY hard time with a) the fact that she sobs every time she leaves us and complains that she never sees him and b) I'm afraid he is going to grow up thinking his family consists of his parents, one grandmother and one aunt.

My parents would LOVE to visit. My father in law and his family could maybe make a little more effort...but between kids who are still teenagers and full time work that has him travelling internationally its not easy.

One other thing - I grew up without grandparents (all had died by the time I was 1) so I *really* don't get the grandparent thing.

Help me figure out how to gracefully get over these feelings. I don't want to be bitch about this. I need to figure out why it bothers me so much and find a way to deal with these feelings.....and how to deal with my mother in law without hurting her feelings.

[MtBikeLover]

I also grew up without grandparents, but I find it incredibly wonderful that my kids are so in love with their grandparents and vice versa. I am really happy that they will have a relationship that I was never able to have.

If your MIL is a good grandparent, I can see why she would cry when she leaves. My mother does the same thing. And she is always telling me how much she misses them. She lives about 1,500 miles away but still manages to see them at least every couple of months. So she sees them quite a bit and gets sad every time she has to leave.

I think the issue you are having is that you want your family to be able to spend more time with your kids. Not sure how you can fix that due to the cost of the airline tickets. Can you do webcams or something like that so they can see him over the computer and they can have a relationship like that?

But I wouldn't do anything about your MIL spending time with your son, unless of course she is there every weekend or she is a bad grandparent. The relationship between a grandma and a grandson is a beautiful thing!

[whalemilk]

Does the sobbing feel manipulative to you? I'm not saying it IS, but if you sense that it is or feel that it is, that might be why it annoys you so much. I grew up with a very manipulative extended family so I am very sensitive to anything that feels at all like it might be emotional blackmail.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by notaperfectmom

a) the fact that she sobs every time she leaves us and complains that she never sees him

My MIL does this too, minus the sobbing. My family lives 500 miles away and sees us every few months, and my ILs live 30 minutes away and see us every 2-3 weeks. But for some reason *every* time we get together my MIL has to mention how long it's been since she's seen the kids, and I just never know how to respond. I know she just loves them and wants to see them more often, but I have trouble not saying either, "Well if you'd drive to our house instead of only seeing us when we come here, you'd see them more often!" or "Hey, my family sees us way less often and doesn't complain about it, so knock it off."

So I can understand how you feel, but I don't think there's really anything to be done except, as you're doing, be grateful for their loving involvement in our children's lives.

[heatherdeg]

Your MIL sobs because she has a strong bond with your son. I'm sure that seeing her do this drives you nuts because you feel like your parents have more of a "right" to do this than she does--and your parents don't (because they're not here). Hard to reconcile... right?

As for what your son grows to thinking his family is--that has less to do with who's physically there and more to do with your effort to ensure he knows. My grandfathers died before I was born. One of them, I know pretty well through stories and pictures. The other one, I know nothing. One I miss and wish I had met and the other I am just curious about because I'm a genealogist and I just have no info.

My family is all over the country and my inlaws are right here. And my inlaws hate me (although after 11 years, it's civil). We are in touch by phone, internet, pictures, and a visit every 3-ish years. But my relatives know what my son is doing and often we all know what each other had for dinner last night. There are pictures in my son's room (he's 4-1/2yo) and he speaks to them on the phone. Whenever a chance arises, I connect a story about them to what's going on at home and if we can--we call right there to involve them in it. Sometimes, they're even home and we can.

It's not the norm, but it works. My son knows his family. When they visited last year, they weren't complete strangers to him.

I think her crying just makes you angry that she has the kind of relationship with him that you want your own family to have... and that's just natural.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg

I think her crying just makes you angry that she has the kind of relationship with him that you want your own family to have... and that's just natural.

You're probably right, and I totally see what you're saying, but I think as a kid I would have felt weird if my grandma cried while she said goodbye to me. I mean, as a mother, I didn't cry when I said goodbye to my DS on his first day of preschool because I didn't want to add to his stress. I can't imagine either my mom or my MIL crying during their goodbyes to DS, and I'm grateful for that -- they say they'll miss him, but they mostly focus on the fact that they had a great time seeing him and that they'll see him again on such-and-such date. And like I said, as a kid that would have felt really weird to me.

[whalemilk]

Yeah as a kid it would have stressed me out and made me feel guilty if grandma cried when she said goodbye to me. (And, in fact, it did.) Honestly I can see why the OP gets annoyed by it, I'd have to fight the urge to say to grandma, "oh grow up and deal with it."

[kirstenb]

We live far from our families too, and I know it's hard on them to be far from DS. It's hard on us too, as we are both close with our famlies and we want DS to have a relationship with them. I second the webcam idea- we just got one along with me parents and my sister. DS doesn't really appreciate it now (as he is only 14 months), but I know they like to see him and when he gets older I know that he will enjoy seeing them.

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by notaperfectmom

I just have a REALLY hard time with a) the fact that she sobs every time she leaves us and complains that she never sees him and b) I'm afraid he is going to grow up thinking his family consists of his parents, one grandmother and one aunt.

The issue that is the most bothersome to me is the crying and complaining.
If she wants to see your child more is there a reason she can not move closer instead of whining? Is she lonesome or bored with all her free time and this makes her feel sad about going home to an empty house? Does she have an active social life or activities? Maybe if she doesn't have much to go home to that makes leaving emotionally harder than it would be if she had a job and other people waiting for her at home.
I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she is not consciously manipulating.

Ideas for the longer distance relationships- maybe IM, phone calls, e-mail, web cams, videos, letters, cards, trading off visits or maybe meeting halfway somewhere less costly once a year.
I don't think your dc will grow up thinking they only have a few relatives if you keep in active contact.

I grew up with only 1 grandmother until age 8 when she died. I've been disappointed with some of dd's grandparents not acting how I thought they should but I've come to accept that it is kind of my baggage of wishing I had had a relationship with my grandparents.

[lilyka]

the whole sobbing thing is weird . . .but why not just tell her to stop by more. is there something wrong with her.

I wouldn't worry about your son having a skewed view of family. My kids see my mom about once every year or two. The have seen my dad once. the see their other grandparents every day or two.

They adore all of them. Mom is only a phone call away. (my dad sends big fat checks but has no interest in them. its all they have ever known of him and if some guy remotely related to me wants to send them a fat check they are cool with that) and they call and write letters and all sorts of fun stuff. They understand that grandma lives a long way away. they have driven it They know it is a blessing to have the other grandparents close by. They are also aware of all the little problems etc. They also know that both grandmas love them equal and spoil them the same (my mom just has to cram it into a week here and there but they have her full undevided attention when they are together.).

it all works out. don't worry. Just find fun creative ways to stay connected to those family members who live further away.

[Teensy]

One thing I was not worry about is the difference in how often your kids see his mom versus your parents. I grew up with one set of grandparents close by, the other set was in a different state. I spent one or two weeks each summer with the one far away and it really bonded me to my grandmother in a way frequent short visits with the one in town did not. Once your children are old enough to spend time at the grandparents in a different country, perhaps they can do the same.

[notaperfectmom]

thank you :)

Thank you for all these comments. What really helps the most is knowing that - particularly with some effort (letter, emails, phone calls, webcams etc) there is an excellent chance that a few years down the line, my son (and any other kids we have) will feel just as loved and attached to ALL the members of our family no matter where they are.

I think part of the issue right now is that he is only 15 months. SO...he recognizes people he sees and interacts with on a regular basis. But as he grows, his ability to form attachments and interact with people who aren't so physcially present will also grow.

As to the crying thing...I should have said that this really is just part of my MIL's personality. She's just as weeper. It takes VERY little (happy or sad) to start the waterworks...everyone in the family is just used to it...I SHOULD be ok with it, but I'm kind of the opposite so it just drives me NUTTY. Its my issue, not hers but I DO think it could be hard on kids growing up...I don't ever want them to feel guilt. I know it isn't really a big deal, but it DOES make me feel wierd because I guess I just don't get it. But if this is one of the more annoying things my MIL does, I know I'm pretty blessed! So I can suck it up

Thank you, thank you! I needed to hear some other voices on this and I'm feeling better about it already!

[ProtoLawyer]

My partner's in a weird situation regarding his daughter's grandparents.

His mother passed away many years ago, and his father lives on the other side of the country, so my SD sees her paternal grandparents maybe twice a year (once here, once there).

His ex-wife's parents are both living, though divorced and remarried/repartnered, and across the country. Neither set of parents visits out here, so visits are sporadic.

However, my parents live an hour away, and we see them often--this means, strangely, my SD has a more present relationship with her not-even-official-yet step-grandparents than with any biological grandparent.

Still, she's close with all of them, in different ways.

[Justmee]

I haven't read all the responses, but some quick thoughts. I am in a simmilar situation. My IL live about 2 hours away and come approximatly every other week to see the kids for the afternoon. My parents live 7000 miles away and my mom usually comes 2x a year and my dad 1x a year. My parents still have a relationship with my kids, but it is different of course. Now that they are older they talk on the phone, etc. My kids know "Grammy & Gramps" come on an airplane and Grandma & Grandpa come in the car. They know who they are speaking to on the phone. Kids will know who their family is even if they aren't very close.

When I was growing up my mom's parents lived about an hour away and came a lot, we also stayed with them a lot if my parents went away, etc. My dad's parents lived 5 hours away and we didn't see them as often, but when we went it was for a few days (maybe 2 - 3 times a year). I don't have as many memories of my dad's parents but I think that's because they passed away when I was younger (my grandmother when I was 5 and my grandfather when I was 12) as opposed to my mother's parents who just passed away a few years ago.

[cotopaxi]

Just wanted to say that I used to see my paternal grandparents / aunt / uncle / cousins about twice a year, and they'd cry when we left every time. It didn't make me feel guilty or anything - I just took it as they wish we could be together more, and they'll miss me.

Now the complaining that she never gets to see him could be irritating, if she's kind of hinting to you that it's your fault vs. just thinking out loud that she wishes somehow it could be different, kwim?