Nearly 11 years of IF and now hurt by others with Infertility...

[grace222]

PG, m/c and CHILDREN MENTIONED IN POST





My husband and I ttc shortly after we got married. Sadly, after 12 months we found we were having some problems. Nearly 11 years later, with two losses and continued failed treatments(going through early menopause) we are still without a child. We are no longer ttc and I am experiencing early menopause.
But I am very very hurt because I was with an Infertility forum for about 2 years, nearly 3 years and I made a lot of friends.
My main reason for staying was due to the fact that I felt my calling in life was to help others on the journey.
But then, about 3 weeks ago, someone posted about a family in the USA who were about to give birth to their 18th child.
I and some other ladies were hurt by the post and so they decided to move it into a forum for LIfe outside infertility.
Please note that the site I belonged to was specifically for thos e who suffered with infertility, mc and child loss.
I mentioned that I was happy God blessed this family but wanted the story to be removed because it was hurting a lot of ladies.
Then, other ladies with infertility said that we were bitter and that we should be happy for the lady that was blessed with infertility.
Some of the ladies that were hurting were saying things like, "Oh, I would be so happy to just have one little baby" and this lady is having 18! It is a wonder and an amazement for her to have 18 children but I could not understand why they wouldn't remove it. They said that we should be happy for those blessed with fertility. I said that I was happy but sad for myself and others who had lost babies or didn't have any. I wasn't bitter.
They removed me from their website after nearly 3 years. I have lost a lot of friends and feel this has added to my grief and loss and hurt of IF.

As much as I know we should be happy for the fertile, do you think it was appropriate for them to have this story mentioned and discussed?
And do you think it's fair of them to call me and the other ladies bitter?

I am not bitter, just sad.

I'm really hurting right now...
thanks for letting me share my hurt with you.

[Sri Radha]

I don't think they should have removed you from the site! That seems wrong. And yes, we should be happy for people that are fertile (or even super fertile!) but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt sometimes. I know I have felt that way about the Duggars (I just want ONE!) but it doesn't mean that I am not happy for them. It just feels like life is so unfair. I would never want anyone else to struggle with infertility but it still makes me sad to see mom's with kids sometimes. Not because I want them to be infertile, know what I mean?

[kristenok18]

I am so sorry that you've been so badly hurt. It seems incredibly unfair that you were removed. Of course it hurts to hear about stories like that. Just because it hurts doesn't mean that we are wishing the women with abundant fertility ill will, it just means WE are hurting. I love my sister more than anything, yet I still grieved when she got pg with her second when we had been ttc since before her first. It's amazing to me that fellow ladies on an IF board couldn't make the distinction of personal pain/grief vs. jealousy. I hope you are able to find a home here.

[grace222]

thanks so much...

Ladies, thanks for being SO understanding.
Yes,it was the Duggar family.
I guess, it just felt like they were "rubbing salt into the wound".
I told them, If I had M/S(multiple scleriosis) I wouldn't want to be in a forum where atheltic people are talking about their atheletics or gym class.
We are to be sensitive to those hurting.
I've had to endure nearly 11 years of watching my family and friends conceive around me. We both(my DH and I) come from very big families. My FIL is one of 14 so when christmas arrives, we are surrounded by families, children and pg women. They often look down at me and tell me I must be too stressed or not relaxing. After nearly 11 years, I don't think early menopause is brought on my stress!
I was exposed to Agent orange (DDT)when I was in my twenties...a chemical used in warfare....In 2002 I developed auto-immune thyroid issues and early menopause, my mother developed breast cancer in 2003.(She is doing well now!) We were both exposed to the chemical. It wasn't planned. It wasn't our faults. It just happened as no direct fault of our own. I have been suffering the ill-effects of early menopause, nightsweats every night, mood swings, severe depression and anxiety and have experienced a mental breakdown.
It just feels as though there is no where safe to go now...
I was hesitant in joining another site but I picked one that was not affiliated with any religious belief. The last forum called themselves "Christians", and while, I am a christian, I do realise that I am still a sinner and fail and I am not perfect. No one is, but I thought it would be safe. I made so many wonderful friends but also enemies. Some women, who were blessed (through ivf) chose to hurt me and call me bitter. I am not bitter against the Duggars but don't know why mention of them has to appear on an IF website. I am one of seven siblings and don't have anything against those with big families. I love big families!! It would be wonderful to have a big family but I would be grateful for just one babe! Just one child!

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to share my heart and for letting me be understood. I wish you well on your journeys. I am happy and content to move on with mine, but I still grieve, grieve for the babies I have lost and never will have.
thanks
GRACE.

[Seedlings]

Grace - I am so sorry that you were treated so badly at the other site. I feel the pain and sadness from your post. Some many people who have not and even have struggled with infertility can be thoughtless and hurtful to those of us with it. Since you spent so much energy/experience with that site you must of been blindsided by the whole ordeal.

I am at a loss as to why a post about the Duggars having their 18th baby would be ok in a forum about infertility, mc, and child loss. I know there would be much better places for a topic like that. The lows of infertility are so significant I am sure that a lot of people were hurt by it. So sorry you had to go thru that.

I hope you enjoy MDC, it is an understanding and supportive place.

[crazyrunningmama]

Personally, I don't think anyone has the right to tell anyone else how they "should" feel. Why should you "be happy" for other people, they don't care how you feel (people you don't even know I mean). Feel your own grief and don't hurt others, that's okay with Christians, isn't it? (not a Christian myself, but I feel that it's important to be kind and not go out of your way to be hurtful).

Anyway hello and welcome. On these boards the moderators do a good job of removing threads that are inappropriate and also popping in to comment when emotions run high and there is a risk of not-okay sort of comments. (hi moderators )

[Held]

So sorry for the pain and hurt you are in right now.

Welcome here friend.

[lifeguard]

I agree with Seedlings - it doesn't seem like the appropriate place to announce the birth of the 18th in a family.

I would however totally understand if you were (a little or a lot) bitter. I found (& still find) myself feeling that way after only 6 years of infertility. No one can tell you the right or wrong way to feel. And no one who hasn't had difficulties with infertility can understand that.

[AngelBee]

[gumby74]

I'm sorry.....that whole situation seemed so unfair to you. The dugger's have frustrated me a lot. I guess I never understood why they felt it was their responsibility to single handidly populate the earth. That being said, I am the eldest of nine and always thought my parents should not have had more kids than they could physically, mentally, financially and emotionally take care of. In that case, they might have had to stop with me

Take care

[wtg4miracle]

So sorry. They shouldn't removed you from the website. Maybe a warning but not totally removing you. I agree with you 100% the "dugger family" should not even be mentioned in that forum. I have mixed views about that family. I can't believe why would one gets blessed over and over again while others are just praying for just one. It blows my mind to pieces wondering why!

Hugs to you.

waiting (38) ttc since 5/08

[mom of 1]

I am sorry that you were removed from the site. I TOTALLY understand your frustration. My DH and I have been TTC since Nov. of 1993. Yes, that is 15 LONG years. We were blessed with one child through adoption. I still get MAD,Sad,and Frustrated when I hear of a couple that took all of 1 day to conceive, especially people who are not trying (teens,etc.) I still have people tell me, "You have one,get over it!" That BURNS! Although I am happy for the Duggars (now, I know where all my eggs are), that should not be on an infertility forum.

[biomama]

I'm so sorry...


you have our support here.

[barose]

Originally Posted by Sri Radha

I don't think they should have removed you from the site! That seems wrong. And yes, we should be happy for people that are fertile (or even super fertile!) but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt sometimes. I know I have felt that way about the Duggars (I just want ONE!) but it doesn't mean that I am not happy for them. It just feels like life is so unfair. I would never want anyone else to struggle with infertility but it still makes me sad to see mom's with kids sometimes. Not because I want them to be infertile, know what I mean?

:

And when stories about super fertile women having multiple children, it is like rubbing salt on the wound. We can’t run from the world around us but an infertility forum should be a place of refuge. A place to cry and vent our frustrations, not hear about the Duggars and other celebrities having babies.

They should not have kicked you out and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You’re amongst friends here .

[kristinc]

Honey you have every right to be bitter and angry for all that you have suffered...and i am shocked that at an infertility board they would even allow the posting of something like that. That is a slap in the fact to every family that has had to know the heartache of fertility struggles.:

I always go to ivfconnections.com on the vets board when i really need to vent my anger and bitterness at having to walk down this road. There every one is REAL about how inferitlity has hijacked their life. So please know that if you need a place where people can understand that you are angry, that is the place....and you won't find any fluff threads about people who are overly blessed with fertility.

[kriket]

I am very sorry mama. Hopefully you can find a nice home here!