Not Having Birthday Party for DD = Mean Parents

[olliepop]

Our dd will be 5 next week. We were going to have a small party, close relatives, a couple of friends, but we're having some work done on our house and it won't be ready for 4-6 more weeks. (We currently have no kitchen.)

People are calling and asking when her party will be since I haven't sent out invitations yet and when I tell them that she won't be having one this year, they say things that make me feel like my dh and I are the worst parents in the world.

Don't get me wrong. We are going to celebrate, but it's just going to be us, low-key, a couple of cupcakes and a few gifts.

It's just not feasible to entertain right now with us under construction and w/no sink, stove, etc.

Last year I was given a hard time b/c there were only 3 children guests at her party. Grandparents asked, "Doesn't she have more friends than that?" The parents of the children who were there acted as if the party wasn't good b/c they were the only ones there.

We went all out for her third birthday - big Birthday Express theme, tons of family and friends, and I felt like I wasted so much money. She seemed overwhelmed and things were just crazy. I also felt like b/c there were so many people there, I didn't really get a chance to spend time w/anyone. I was just ON the whole time.

Last year's party was great for me and most importantly for dd. Also, I have to say that she doesn't have a problem w/not having a party this year. How do I deal w/these comments that make it seem like she's being neglected this year? I'm sure not everyone has a party every year.

Who doesn't? And what else do you do to make their day special?

[limabean]

I don't consider having a small family party "not having a party." I wouldn't word it that way when you talk to people, just tell them that your DD loved her low-key party last year so you're doing it again this year.

[olliepop]

Yeah, but...it's not really a party. We'll just have cupcakes after dinner and sing to her and give her a few gifts. We're not having grandparents, aunts, or friends come over this time like we did last year.

I wouldn't word it that way when you talk to people, just tell them that your DD loved her low-key party last year so you're doing it again this year.

It's even lower key than last year. It'll just be dh, dd, ds, and me this time around. That's why I told them it wasn't a party.

[boadhagh]

You shouldn't feel bad about this at all! Birthdays are nice, and it's nice to have a party, but a quiet family acknowledgement (special dinner or similar) is absolutely enough.

We did have a party for dd's 1st birthday this year, but one thing that we did (and I think we'll continue to do when we do have parties) is to specify "no gifts." One of our friends who came to the party thought it was great that we were doing this and remarked that children are always, always learning. I don't really want my dd to learn that parties and gifts are the norm. They're nice and special when they happen, but no one should feel entitled to such things.

[lilyka]

i hope it is family calling . . . .

My kid do not get a party every year just as a matter of principal and as a general rule they dno't start with parties until they are 4 or 5. and when we do have a party it is just a glorfied play date with 3 or 4 people.

If it is family calling perhaps you could just mention your home is in no condition for entertaining but if they would like to take dd on a special playdate or take the family out to dinner you certainly wouldn't mind showing up and celebrating with them.

[olliepop]

If it is family calling perhaps you could just mention your home is in no condition for entertaining but if they would like to take dd on a special playdate or take the family out to dinner you certainly wouldn't mind showing up and celebrating with them.

I'll try that!

[tadpole1707]

my son has just turned five and he wanted a party but.,..my house isnt really suitable and i just couldnt face the hassle of having loads of kids round, and all the trouble of it...especially when i could take him out somewhere instead and give him a great time. so we didnt have a party...instead on his birthday i gave him a birthday lunch with sandwiches and a cake and stuff, and then a few days later we took him to a childrens theme park for the day as a special late birthday treat...he really enjoyed it, i dont think you should feel bad at all-at the end of the day your daughter will be happier with an unstressed mummy, and im sure whatever you do she'll have a great time.

[infraread]

Tell your naysayers that it's your DD's day and you'll be spending it doing something for her enjoyment. If that doesn't stop them, then you have every right to point out that they're the ones being selfish.

We've had one big party, age 4, with 2 friends and a buttload of family. It was ok but hectic... it was nice when it was over. He's six now and although he'll talk about wanting a huge party, he really enjoys it when we grab one or two special friends and take them out to do something fun. This year we treated him and his best friend to the pottery store (they got to pick out a piece and glaze it, and they had a ball.)

[kennethsmommy]

I have had the same experience. I would just tell them that the party is for your DD, and not them, That you would rather spend less money and more time with the her and the family. Bithdays get blown way out sometimes!!!!

[cotopaxi]

I think it's beyond fine not to have a big party, especially if the child isn't requesting one. I agree that those big ones with 20 kids at commercial venues just feel chaotic and overstimulating - I know I don't enjoy them and I'm not sure most of the kids do either depending on their age.

DD is only one, so there were no big expectations for this year I guess, but we just had my mom and dad over and ate pizza and cake and opened some presents. Then we watched video of DD from her newborn days, and played with her.

It should be about what's fun for the birthday girl and what's reasonable for your family situation and budget, not about throwing a big party for show.

[TefferTWH]

For my son's 2 year old birthday, we picked a day just for him and that's what we told everyone. We did his favorite activity, he had his favorite lunch and dinner and did gifts at home before going out. It was low key and he was never overwhelmed. He got the idea too - when we do some of this favorite things, he says, "it's my birthday!"

[primjillie]

If you child isn't requesting a party, I wouldn't worry about it. My kids had a party every year, but it wasn't one of those huge, expensive parties. Sometimes we went roller skating or Chuck E. Cheese, but many times it was at home with swimming or running through sprinklers, cake and ice cream and some lunch or a bbq. I like the idea of birthday parties, because I think it is important for a child to have special day and have special things planned just for him/her. I also want them to be able to look back and remember fondly of their birthday parties (that is one reason I always do Easter, Halloween, Christmas, etc.).

[milkybean]

After doing the big matchy matchy disposable plate and streamer party for DS for his 2nd and 3rd b'days, and having almost no one show up b/c it's over Mem Day weekend, we decided to not do that this year.

So for his 4th we were in Disneyland.

And next year for his 5th, we plan on being on a cruise, hopefully to a nice, piratey location.

Much more fun than streamers!

[LaLaLaLa]

My DS is 2 1/2 and my DD turned 4 last week, and we've never had a single party. The thought of having a whole bunch of people to our tiny place, having to decide who should be invited and who shouldn't, having to clean and cook and socialize and keep kids under control.... not my idea of a fun time.

For DS this past year, we went to the children's museum in the big city. For DD last week we went to an amusement park. We had a fantastic time, as a family, and had a supply of cupcakes at home, ready to be offered to anyone who stopped by with happy wishes.

Maybe this year, when DD is in preschool, she'll decide that a party with her school friends is important to her. So far, though, neither kid has mentioned having a party, and it seems really silly to throw a party if it's only me or DH (or our families) motivating it.

[UUMom]

No big deal, really. Just tell the callers that you're having a family party with just the however many of you. We've done that *lots* . The kids consider it a 'party', but a family one. No whoop. Don't make it a bigger deal than it is by telling people there is no party. Of course there is, it's just that it's small and intimate-- you and and dp and the kids. Cupcakes and presents etc *is* a party. It's just a small *family* one. Be straightforward -- unless they are beating a path to your home with ballons and kazoos, what's the problem? Let it go. You don't have to engage.

[Kristine233]

If thats being a mean parent, then I'm the worst. None of my 3 kids have had a big party. (Oh wait, my two oldest kids did once when they were really little and had to share it)

My kids get a kick out of my home made cakes decorated to thier specifications. And perhaps grandparents coming over. They've never made a big deal out of it. My kids only have a few friends and when I did invite my oldest DD's friends they didn't bother to show up (even though I'm friends with mom). I felt awful for her. Mom made excuses and then said she was goign to drop her gift off and never did. (I don't care about the gift, it was just sucky for her to lie)

So now we don't bother. We make it special for each of our kids and do stuff for them on thier days. A big party doesn't prove anything.

[olliepop]

Cupcakes and presents etc *is* a party. It's just a small *family* one. Be straightforward -- unless they are beating a path to your home with ballons and kazoos, what's the problem? Let it go. You don't have to engage.

You're absolutely right! I'm letting it go. Thanks!

[AbbieB]

I hate big birthday parties for little kids. Lots of work, lots of money, lots of after party (or during) meltdowns.

Here's what we have done:

1st and 2nd birthday was shared with her 3 close friends and their parents at our house (these were close LLL friends that she played with regularly). We had homemade cupcakes or brownies and lots of whole foods for the kids and an easy dinner for the adults.

3rd birthday we went to Sea World and her grandparents surprised her by coming for a visit. This was really fun and definitely a memorable birthday for her. It was not a very expensive day either. We have passes to the local Busch Gardens that include Sea World. We just don't go to often since it is about 2/3 hours away. The BIG thing for DD was that we bought a Shamu stuffed animal and all of the junky park food that we usually avoid.

4th birthday was right after her brother was born so we had a small family party. Just us and my parents.

And for her 5th birthday? We have considered a Disney day or maybe Chuck E. Cheese with a few friends. We have been to 3 of these this year with her friends and it has been very fun for the kids. 2 of the parties were "unofficial" so they did not cost to much, just the price of pizza and drinks and the tokens. They were held midweek so the kids had the run of the place. The moms brought there own cake and party stuff.

I say do what works for your family and tell the other people giving you a hard time to back off (I know, easier said than done.) It's your child's special day so really all that matters is how she feels about it.

[Quinalla]

Like others have suggested, I would tell them you are having a small family party, I would personally still consider that a party and it will hopefully eliminate some of the rude comments you are getting. Giving people quite the benefit of the doubt here, but maybe they think you aren't celebrating her birthday at all?

Anyway, I had some birthdays as a kid that were bigger parties and some where I just had the small family party like you are describing (just a cake, a quick happy birthday to you song and opening presents after dinner with the immediate family).

[queenjane]

I think its totally fine not to have a party. My son usually just has a "party" at my mom's house (we live in an apt, my mom's disabled and her home is accessible), consisting of the aunts/uncles who live nearby (my two sisters, two of my brothers...these are people my son sees almost daily anyway), my niece (close to my son's age), my mom, and myself. We do have a cake, sing, and open presents. Recently, my son (turning 12) has requested no singing or candles or anything. He doesnt like a big deal made. Last year, his father was visiting, and we took my son, niece, my son's friend and went bowling, but it wasnt a big deal.

That being said....if you are excluding close family members, like grandparents, i dont blame them for thinking you're being "mean" or for them feeling hurt. If your house isnt "visitor ready", you could always go out to dinner, or hold a small dinner at a relatives home (we always have gatherings/holidays at my mom's.) OR if you dont want to do that, you can tell them that if they want to take your child out for a fun day themselves, that would be fine.

At first i thought you meant you werent having a party for friends...you werent inviting her whole class or whatever. But i think not having relatives over is a little different. I guess i'm just very close to my family, and can't imagine not sharing that day with them.


Katherine