This tugged.. no, YANKED
.. at my heartstrings so badly. I sat here reading this with my hand covering my open mouth and tears in my eyes. How unbelieveably heartbreaking this is for you and those babies!
You know, it's extremely
difficult for me to watch a circumcision video, in fact, I've never gotten through one completely. I just can't force myself to do it. But to hear about it from your point of view? Wow. It just makes it worse. It's normal for us to put ourselves in the place of the baby boy and *feel* his pain and hurt for him.. but not many of us put ourselves in the place of someone like you. I can't even begin to imagine how painful this must be for you. I am so sorry that you're going through this.
understand why you're torn on the issue of sticking it out. Part of me wants to tell you to get the hell out of there, but then there is the other part of me who feels that you almost need
to be there.. as someone who can bring a bit of comfort to the baby, albeit a very small bit of comfort, but comfort nevertheless. If I knew it was going to happen anyway? Ugh.. I'm sitting here shaking my head, thinking, "I don't know.. I just.. I don't know", in regards to advice. I really just don't know what to tell you to do.. I simply can't imagine being in your position. I feel for you, I really do. But, I also commend you, as well. I know that there is no way I could do this. I would have walked out of the room and thrown up in the hallway.. which would do nothing whatsoever for the babies.
I do have to thank you so much for loving these babies enough to feel.. to really really FEEL
the sadness and hurt for what they're going through and being a comfort to them. So many don't.
My only fear for you as far as sticking it out for 3 more years is that you'll become hardened. You may stop feeling and it may become *normal* to you. Our minds and hearts tend to toughen up and close off when we're continuously faced with something we're not able to deal with. I'm not saying that this would happen to you for sure, but it's definitely a possibility with pretty much any of us.PLEASE
don't be embarrassed about us copying your writings here! You have nothing whatsoever to be embarrassed about.. it's perfect the way it is. You wrote with your heart, and in this case, that's the best way to write about your experience. It only makes it all the more REAL..
***Big hugs*** to you, mama..