Mistakes of their own...

[Oriole]

This is the hardest part for me right now. I liked her bf from the start, really. They seem to have a lot of fun together, but couple of days ago he called her "f@#%@ b@#$%&". I'm sure she's not all that innocent in all of this, but this particular discussion between them just blows my mind...

This is NOT an acceptable way to treat your partner, I don't care how old you are. This NEVER happened at our house. I feel so sad that she feel that it's not a big deal to be treated this way, she was sad the day it happened, but forgave and moved on the next morning.

We talked about her relationship with this guy quite a bit, and I asked her would she forgive him if he did it again? She said "yes". *sigh*

I try not to sound too judgmental, and to listen until my ears fall off, but it's so hard!

I can see why she likes him so much... Her first kiss, her first date, he looks at her with adoring eyes most of the time, showers her with gifts, they talk half the night.

And then there is another thing, at first it was cute, now it's plain creepy! They made this "rule" on their first date, that they will always hold hands... and now 4 months later, they still do, whenever they are together. It would be ok, only he gets grouchy ("oh, you don't wanna hold hands any more?!") when she has to let go, and now this name calling thing.... :

*SIGH*

I'm scared and worried for her. From "aw, so cute", it's moving on to "hmmm... I'm not sure he is her Romeo".

[Stinkerbell]

I think your instincts are right. How old are they?

At least for now you can watch it a little and keep talking to her about it, about how it makes her feel, etc.

[milkmommie]

I know how hard this is.
I don't know how old your dd is but my ds is 15 (he'll be 16 next month) and we just got through this same kind of thing. I think it would have been harder if he'd been a girl though.

He was in a relationship for almost a year and a half with a girl who was very possesive, controlling, and manipulative. She also called him a f%&^ up alot and told him his friends were loosers and dirty. She was also really bigoted. They sure were cute when they started out. Then the reality of who she was set in. I know he had some responsibility in the issues but she was truly toxic.

What did I do? Well, for the most part just kept talking to him. About what kind of treatment he deserves and how he is capable of having a healthy relationship. Then her parents realized that she was getting so worked up over their problems that she was throwing up. So, they grounded her from him. That was really hard because he felt so mistreated that he was blamed for all of her problems. Nothing I could do. Here were these people hurting my kid and nothing I could do!! So, we talked a lot. He cried a lot. I tried my best to be there for him. Listen, listen, listen.

Then she moved in with her Mom ( a more free environment) and they got back together. And the problems returned fast and tenfold. He started to loose it with her and I did witness him telling her she was being a B$@#. We had a LONG talk about that one. And he ended up breaking up with her.

Now he's dating a girl who's two years younger than him. She's sweet and her parents are very involved. They're taking things really slow. I don't think he's even kissed her yet. He's much more comfortable this way. I think he was happy to have a girlfriend but not real comfortable with how intense it was. I think he's now realized that he has choices and that first gf was not the only person in the world who would be interested in him.

I don't even have any good advice I guess. It sounds like you're doing everything you can. I would say not to let her know what you think of him...it will drive her to him. Ask open ended questions and let her talk as much as you can. More of what you're already doing. I know how hard it is. Life was much easier when they liked to hold your hand in the parking lot and you could be with them all the time to protect them from the world.

[caudex]

How old is your dd?

I don't know how to ask what I want to... how close are you with your daughter? Not in the sense of love, and you'll talk, and things like, that, but is she willing to hear your advice and really think on it?

It won't apply if she's only young, but...The last six months of my last relationship were very bad. He came back from overseas, became controlling, derogatory, angry, etc. Everyone could see it, including me, but when my parents talked to me about it, all I would do was shut down and defend him. I didn't do that because I disagreed with them, I knew they were right, but I was so concerned with making sure that their perception of him was untarnished (the relationship there was understandably strained) and that they'd think well of him that I couldn't help but rationalize and say everything was fine. I had so many worries already that I couldn't handle hearing their concern and disappointment too. I took the truth much better from a close friend, and even from a friend's mom. Someone outside the situation who wasn't emotionally invested made that concern much easier to take. Does she have someone like that to talk to?

[Oriole]

Thank you for all of your kind replies (please keep them coming).

DSD is 15 (see my sig ), and there are days I feel like she can tell me anything; it is from her that I found out that he gets upset when she lets go of his hand, kwim? She told me about their first kiss, she'll talk about some of the things that drive her crazy about him with rolling her eyes, and we talk about the fact that he is insecure for who knows what reason.

Then there are days she doesn't seem to want to talk much. I hope we have a good enough relationship, but it's always a balancing game. I try to listen and say as little as possible, and I usually don't chime in with advice unless she asks for it, or if it's something really outrageous (like this name calling thing). Even then, I wanted to make sure that I don't close the door by bashing him too much, I just didn't want her to think that certain things are ok.

Her dad is pretty good at advice, I think she values his opinion, even if doesn't look like she's listening to him at times. They go out to for coffee when they need to talk.

But I don't know... with all this support and openness, she is still with this guy, and I"m starting to get really worried, little by little.

[greenmama]

I agree with Caudex

My experience comes from friends not my children, (as my step kids rarely brought partners home) but my experience is that if someone points out the problems people are inclined to defend their bf/gf. If you just listen and ask questions they usually get there faster.

I know that must be hard. My step-kids are grown now, and it is still hard to just sit back and watch.

[lifeguard]

Keep ensuring she knows you're there if she wants to talk.

But I would also have a close family friend approach the subject with her without you there. I would have the friend act as though she's acting on her plan (not yours). Sometimes Mom is just a little too close to be the right person to talk to. My Mom did this with me throughout my teen years & it was relieving to have someone else I trusted to talk to. Plus it gave me other adults I knew I could go to if I needed to.

How about a book geared to teens about abusive relationships, how they start, how to deal, etc. Not something too heavy or serious. Maybe there's a website out there that would work?